Name: Melvin Percival Plinker
Age: 46
Description:
I have a great personality. Looks aren't important to me so I'll tell it right out: I'm albino with severe allergy to Vitamin E, so I can't go outside when the sun is up, but I've learned to become used to the dark. I have a large goiter on my neck, but because of all the boils from being accidentally exposed to the sun, you can hardly notice at all. I do have nice ears, and Mother says aside from the bad parts, I'm a very good-looking guy.
Interests:
* I love reading the mail to Mother...well except the times when I forget and start reading silently and she hits me with the stick she carries in her "good" hand. I'd like to read aloud and get paid (I've heard people can do that) but I'm told no one cares to have their Kilowatt-hour usage or free mailing labels read to them.
* When I'm allowed, I go up on the roof and howl naked, or sit and stare out over the graveyard, making up stories and pretending I'm them before they died. I put on dramatizations for all the stars and my pet gummi bears until Mother starts banging on a window with her stick, signifying "time to wash".
Hobbies:
* Bathing Mother
* I collect Tupperware. My collection will be worth alot of money to serious investors one day and I'll make millions.
* I also collect buttons salvaged from the burned out warehouse that Mother lets me walk to on rainy nights.
* Roach-Racing. The one with the blue dot always wins, so I put him in a special box under my pillow so maybe some of his winning qualitites will rub off on me.
* Dreaming of a female allowing me to watch her tie her shoes without calling me "creep".
Pets:
* A bag of gummi bears
* I found a baby bunny once, and tried to convert it to the Church of Latter-Day Saints like Mother told me to, but he was possessed by a demon or something because he wouldn't let me pick him up or pet him. Now he lives under the house, building a pagan tower of Babel to the obscure prince of the Lagomorph Other-World.
* I have a pet slug. I named him Guey. I love him and he loves me. He lets me pet him.
* I almost bought one of those pet monkeys that do things for the bedridden, but Mother said she already had one. I don't really understand, I've never seen one in the house, but Mother cackled her laugh that scares me, so I don't ask where it is.
What I'm looking for:
A female. As I said before, I don't really care about looks, but at least one breast to fantasize about is wonderful, and maybe a girl with knees who would let me look at them.
Someone partly ambulatory would also be a plus. I tried to have "date night" with Mother to practice once, but the candles caught her mumu on fire and all she could do was wave her "good" hand, so I had to put her out with the pot roast...and i don't want to ever have to do that again.
Ultimate Fantasy Date:
Maybe we could make eye contact and I could hover around her, sniffing her femaleness and giggling. I would cook dinner and do some things I'm good at, like sponge bathe her, turn her, or wheel her from place to place. Later we could sit and stare at the wall together, thinking up nail placement for unusual string art, or looking at the family Bible's listings of births, deaths and weddings.
I guarantee a fun filled evening, so if you're that lucky gal, Look me up!
See (parts of) you soon! (I hope)
--Melvin