Sudden Popularity of Musicals Baffles Area Deejays

You see them everywhere: Local teens and young adults sporting ear buds and iPods. But, have you ever stopped to check out their playlists? What you found just might surprise you. Gone are the days of Hip Hop, Rap, or Heavy Metal. Apparently more and more of today’s kids are listening to show tunes. And local merchants and radio hosts are starting to take notice.

“It used to be that they’d be lined up at midnight for the latest release by the Red Hot Chili Peppers or Public Enemy. But now it’s all about the musicals,” says Tommy Telfer the manager of Tower Records at the Valley View Mall. “We’re inundated every day by calls asking if we’ve gotten any more copies of Rent.”

The songs from the Broadway musical Rent are also popular with the listeners of K99 according to radio host Dave Davis. “Seasons of Love is pretty hot on our listener request line.” Davis states that songs from High School Musical’ are also popular. “And, we’ve been getting a lot of requests lately for songs from Nevermore, Eric Schaeffer’s current Broadway show about the life of Edgar Allan Poe.”

In fact, radio station 92.1 Q92 which has been known as The Home of Rock for 20 years has recently changed its format and has launched a million dollar ad campaign plastering the city with a new slogan, “On With the Show.”

Even the residents of downtown are taking notice. One resident, who would only agree to an interview under a condition of anonymity, commented on how surreal it all was. “Here come the gangstas walkin’ down the street with their saggin’ pants and hats on backwards, and carryin’ them big ole boom boxes and then they put ‘em down and crank ‘em up singin’ ‘I feel Pretty.’ It’s crazy I tell you. Crazy.”

Mos Def is one artist who seems to have been able to handle the change, easily moving from rap artist into a starring role in a Broadway play. “Man, I saw it coming,” says Mos Def. “My record sales started going down hill, and they were booing me at my concerts. The kids were throwing things at me on the stage. I got hit in the head one night with an applecore, and I knew I had to do something. Broadway is the place for me now.”

Businesses all around the country are also trying to switch gears and cash in on the trend. Visit the Hard Rock Café at Baltimore’s Inner Harbor and you might be surprised. Where once you would have been walking underneath a trio of Aerosmith’s guitars as they commanded you to “Walk this Way,” now you’ll be shaded by Gene Kelly’s signature umbrella as you’re “Singin’ in the Rain.”

Will it last? No one really knows, but Davis does have one piece of advice for parents: “Enjoy it while you can.”

Sudden Population Explosion Blamed on Area Nightclub

Delivering thirty-two babies in one day may not be a record for Baltimore General Hospital, but when all thirty mothers (there were two sets of twins) claim to be unknowingly and unwillingly impregnated on the same night and at the same place, a record has certainly been set.

Nine months ago, Barbara (last name withheld) was having her bachelorette party at Applecore, Maryland’s hottest new nightclub. She and twenty nine of her closest friends were celebrating her upcoming nuptials out on the town.

“We just wanted to have a few drinks and a fun time,” claims Martha (last name withheld), the Maid of Honor. “But some guys bought us a few drinks and then everything became kind of hazy.”

This is not the first time that Applecore’s signature drink “Nevermore” has been brought into the spotlight. Based on the Red Bull and Vodka craze, Nevermore is a high energy, high alcohol cocktail that has caused the single biggest increase in DWI citations in the past decade.

“I don’t know what was in those drinks, but it can’t be legal,” Martha complains. “I had a serious hangover the next day, but my nausea lasted for three months.”

No men have come forward as potential fathers and all of the women claim they cannot remember what happened after the first round of drinks. With no man to blame, Martha, Barbara and the other 28 women are naming Applecore in the Paternity suit.

A spokesperson for the women held a press conference shortly before the first baby was born on Monday. Attorney Nancy Anderson stated: “The bar ruined all of these women’s lives. Barbara’s fiancé called off their wedding, and the other women lost husbands and boyfriends. Some have even lost their jobs. We feel that Applecore is just as responsible as the unknown men involved. We also feel these thirty-two babies should be financially supported by the bar that helped create them.”

Representatives for the club have not responded to the numerous attempts for an interview. However, rumor has it that the club is waiving the cover charge for all expectant mothers.

Normally, I wouldn’t think to have to travel to just outside a city like Hawkeye, Iowa. But I was beckoned there by a man who felt he had a problem, and needed to speak his mind.

“I don’t like ‘em one bit” Tad Johnson says, spitting out a seed from an applecore. “They come to my farm, always stirring up trouble. Some say they’re just looking for food, but I know better. I tell ya, they’re black through and through – it’s not just the color of their bodies, but their hearts, too.”

When Tad speaks of the invaders, you see the hate in his eyes and hear it in his voice. Even though admitting they’ll be gone soon enough, he won’t let this pass. His words suggest he treats this like a war, and won’t be happy until his enemy comes around nevermore. He came off as not necessarily an admirable figure, but a captivating individual nonetheless.

Wanting to learn more about such a figure, I drive into the center of town. Not surprisingly given the town might number 500 people, I quickly find several who know Tad. What they have to say, however, throw me for a loop.

“Oh yeah, I deal with Tad often,” says Jed Billings, owner of several grain silos. “He’s a bit off his rocker.”

“Yep,” agrees Buck James. “Especially when it comes to crows.”

Crows, I ask?

“Yeh, though he talks about ‘em like they were a plague.” Buck adds. “True, they claim a lot of corn, but they rid us of many bugs, too. That poor old coot can’t stand to lose a kernel, though.”

Confused, I drove back to the Johnson farm, to clarify my story.

“Oh, don’t pay attention to them.” Tad begins. For a second I felt relief, until he continues, “Oh, they’re crows alright, but no ordinary ones. Drat my luck that there’s only one way for me to show you what they did.”

Here he grabs a VCR tape, and plopped it in the machine. Captured on it where several cartoons featuring Heckle and Jeckle, who to be precise, were actually magpies. After one in particular where they humiliate a farmer and trick him out of some of his corn, Tad stops the tape.

“I got this from the Baltimore TV station.” he proclaims. “But the same thing happened to me. Right down to the name-calling.”

It’s at this point I decide to leave. I make an excuse about finding help for his cause, but instead leave town. Contrary to what Mr. Johnson might believe, no crows (or magpies) could be reached for comments.

The town of Schenectady, New York, woke up to find something alarming the other day – everyone was suddenly nice.

“I don’t get it,” explained local resident, Damien Ruiz. “I went to bed the same as normal, hitting my wife and tying the kids to their bed posts so they don’t get up, you know? I wake up and feel like making them breakfast and they thank me for taking care of them. I just don’t know what’s overcome me.”

Other residents have felt similar unnatural stirrings.

Lucy Jones, a student at Schenectady High, said she usually delights in throwing applecores at the homeless and threatening the nerds at school with her semi-automatic.

“But, I just feel different today, you know?” she said while picking up trash along the highway. “Like, I want to make people feel better and say hello and actually listen to someone when I ask how they’re doing, I just don’t get it.”

Is there a reason for this sudden kindness and care for humanity? The water supply and air have been tested and found to be normal. Food and medications have also been investigated and cleared for any possible contamination. This is indeed a mystery.

“I really don’t get it,” said Mr. Mephistopheles, the mayor of Schenectady. “We’re not Baltimore or some other place where nice people might live. This is Schenectady- this is a cross-section of the real America. We take what we want, do what we want, and don’t care what others think about us. We covet our neighbors’ things, don’t mow our lawn, and certainly don’t care about how the emissions from our vehicles might affect the earth and wildlife around us. In fact, we’re number one in slash-and-burn agriculture and industrial development. Yet here we are, lining up to buy Prius’s, taking the doors off of refrigerators we bring to the dump, and actually backing the teachers in the schools, instead of yelling at them for our children’s inability to read. What has happened to us?”

What has happened indeed, and can this disease spread to other parts of the country? Schenectady is currently under quarantine and the CDC has been brought in to investigate. There is great fear that Schenectady won't make their crime quota this year. When asked if the town will ever be the same again, quoth Raven Fiery, lead investigator on the case:

“Nevermore.”

Sudden Bursts of Radiation Affect Area Pets

A series of unexplained radiation leaks, termed by local power authority officials as "alleged unexplained transiences" are being investigated for a possible link to increased reports of strange behavior in the local animal population. Sheriff Jasper Tump, in a press conference this afternoon, stated: "We urge the populace to remain calm. There have been no reported incidents involving violence, and in fact most people say that they’ve just been really creeped out by the whole thing. I myself have been extremely preoccupied with the… unusual behavior of my own pet cat, Sergeant Tipples."

Officials of the Baltimore Electric and Light Co; Household Div. (BELCH) have released a consumer alert to deal with these recent developments. The three main points of that alert are reprinted below:

1- The Baltimore Electric and Light Co; Household Div. (BELCH) is conducting inquiries into allegations that discharges of radioactive particles were emitted by BELCH equipment into households throughout the Greater Baltimore area. We assure the public that it is impossible for radioactive particles to travel over electrical lines. However, strictly as a precaution, BELCH is recommending that consumers limit all contacts with electrical outlets and appliances to 15 minutes out of every hour.

2- Reports of incidents involving cats making obscene gestures and dogs stealing hubcaps are simply unverified rumors.

3- In response to this unprecedented emergency, all payment centers will be open for an extra hour each day.

No clear connection has been established between the alleged release of radioactive particles and the alleged instances of unusual animal activity. The most startling report concerns farmer Fred Ziffel's prize pig, Arnold. Farmer Ziffel claims that in the short time since the alleged radiation release, Arnold has amassed a stock portfolio worth in excess of fifteen million dollars. "Arnold can't speak, of course," Ziffel stated, "but he's managed to implement a fairly sophisticated on-line business plan. For a pig, that is." Ziffel went on to say that in the past, "Arnold's greatest thrill was to have an applecore mixed in with his swill. Now he's demanding Martha Stewart designer swill. He just sits for hours, staring at Martha Stewart’s picture. He's a sick, sick pig, I tell you! I should definitely have power of attorney over his bank accounts."

Another reported incident involves the pet parrot of Mrs. Eustasia Pipp. According to Mrs. Pipp, the bird, named Foxy Ho, has become convinced that it is the reincarnated spirit of the late Edgar Allen Poe. Mrs. Pipp reports that the bird, which previously had a very limited vocabulary, has suddenly become expert in the lifework of Poe, who is buried in nearby Westminster Hall and Burying Ground. “It’s getting on my last nerve,” Mrs. Pipp reported “If that bird says “nevermore” one more time, it’s going into the stewpot. I'm a Christian woman, but this whole thing has just creeped me out.”

Investigations are ongoing by all relevant agencies as well as a private inquiry by film director John Waters.

A police investigation is in high gear this evening as they search for a missing city mascot. City workers called 911 to report a smashed window and broken glass outside of City Hall on Holliday St. When police arrived, their initial search led to the discovery of a man hiding under a desk and a missing city mascot.

John Smith is charged with criminal trespass and burglary after being found hiding under a desk in the mayor's office, located inside Borough Hall. Smith had allegedly gained entry by smashing the office window, afterwhich he ate the mayor’s lunch and opened the cage to “Freedom”, a three year old raven which served as the city’s mascot. After Smith’s arrest, police found only bread crumbs, an apple core and an empty cage which led investigators to believe the mascot somehow found its way through the broken office window.

Seargent Goodman, the first officer at the scene spoke briefly with reporters before resuming the police investigation. “Upon initial inspection, it appears the city mascot is missing. Our hope is that we can locate the bird and return it safely to the mayor”.

The mayor was not available for comment.

Smith will likely be charged with animal cruelty and theft by unlawful taking among a host of other charges added to the list. When asked by reporters why he did it, Smith only shook his head and replied “I heard the bottom of the bird-cage was lined with 100 dollar bills.” City representatives deny such allegations, stating that only shredded newspaper can be found on the floor of the enclosure.

A search team of over 150 officers and volunteers have fanned out over the Baltimore area in an effort to locate the missing bird. No word yet as to whether boats will be deployed into the bay to assist with the search effort.

A similar incident occurred in August of 2003 involving the city’s old mascot, a large native Chesapeake Bay crab named “Pinchy”. The crustacean was discovered to be missing by City Hall staff members after showing up for work sometime around noon; a wooden hammer and lobster bib were the only items found at the scene.

According to Freedom’s caregiver Dr. Rich Bennett, ravens share the ability to mimic human speech along with parrots and other birds; several reports of an unknown individual repeating the word “nevermore” from a location high above their heads have been received by the city’s 911 emergency call center over the past several hours.

Around 30 children from Baltimore School were taken to hospital late Tuesday evening suffering from various minor injuries following an incident at what was meant to have been an end-of-term treat: A trip to see the world-famous Southern Area Circus.

The audience had been visibly enjoying the show despite the recent protests we reported last week regarding the use of live animals performing in this way. Indeed the show was of such a high standard that when the elephants first left the enclosure, everyone continued to clap and cheer, believing this to be just another well-rehearsed act.

“After the lions’ dance and the acrobatic giraffes, we had no reason to believe that this was not meant to be happening!” One young couple explained, “The people from the Circus remained professional at all times, and I hope that this incident won’t affect their future business plans.”

Although it is unclear at this stage the exact cause of the disruption, one gentleman who wishes to remain anonymous tells our reporters that he saw one of the schoolboys throw an applecore to the elephants shortly prior to the escape.
“I saw a few of the children laughing – they had been particularly disruptive during the first part of the show, and in fact I had just commented to my wife that these boys should be removed, when the core was thrown. I have no doubt that this was the cause or at least a main contributing factor in the elephants’ escape. I think this type of behaviour is sadly an all too familiar reflection of the youth of today!”

After leaving their enclosure, the elephants ran around the outside of the enclosure, before making towards the doors at the top of the steps which run alongside the seats of the auditorium. Several children who had been sitting on the seats next to the aisle had their feet trampled in the stampede, plus a number of others suffered cuts, bruises and minor concussion. Fortunately, all the children were able to be discharged from hospital by the following morning

After a brief chase along the high street, Beau and Belle were eventually re-captured just outside St. Peter’s Church with no further injuries to any members of the public.

Class teacher Mrs Richardson told us “While I am of course grateful nobody has suffered any lasting, major injuries, I am very sad that what was meant to be a reward for the hard work the children have put in all year, has turned into such a bad experience. I think we shall nevermore be able to take our children on trips out of school such as this, and that is a real shame.”

The earth's magnetic field, which normally bows around the earth in a shape rather like an apple, has been opened up with a hole of several thousand miles centered above Baltimore, Maryland. Scientists described the result as if some enormous space monster has taken a bite out of the magnetic apple. As a result, cosmic rays which are normally deflected by our magnetic shield are now raining down on the eastern USA and playing havoc with telecommunications at every level, most particularly the wide area networks which form the basis of almost all data communications in our technocratic society. Internet signals also are badly crippled because they must now route themselves around the Boston - Washington megopolis, the self-proclaimed center of all true information. And this development makes official the last step in the isolation of the government in Washington from the US citizens and the rest of the world.

As if the magnetic hole is not a big enough disaster, there is evidence that it is growing in size. If it surrounds the earth, shaping the magnetic field into an applecore, we will nevermore be able to get telephone help from India, spam from Nigeria or al-Qaeda instructions from Afghanistan. This may spell the end of globalization. On the other hand, book publishers, holding their annual conference in Napa Valley, were said to be more upbeat about their future than in many decades.

Sudden Revelations from Government on Area 51

The Government shocked the nation, and indeed the world, this week when the precise location of the famed Area 51 was revealed. Sitting to the northwest of Baltimore, US officials were forced to reveal the location after locals discovered an array of apple core debris falling from the sky. It was confirmed the bizarre incident was in fact staff member rations that had missed their drop target, and not a stand on the absurdity of metaphorical language, as was the case when a 67 year old man literally dropped cats and dogs over Hollywood last month, highlighting the lack of similarity to genuine rain.

Angry staffers were the root of the discovery after breaking ranks and storming out of the precinct in protest. Critics have labeled the move as ‘just another piece of evidence showing the government’s lack of regard for the public service workers, who make or break the administration.’

Indeed, after this incident, nevermore will the government be able to run a secret location within US borders. There are murmurs tending towards movement of the facility to Guantanemo Bay, Cuba. While not being secret it is believed that the sheer infamy of this area will keep people away in droves. If that doesn’t work, then Fidel is expected do the job of security nicely.

Staff at Area 51 are suing the government for loss of entitlements, as they want their apple core’s back in full. Whether this will be achieved is yet to be seen.

Sudden Invasion in the Baltimore Area Tonight
Baltimore -- Earlier tonight, the Baltimore area was suddenly invaded by nature-crazed aliens! These environmental extraterrestrials ran amok throughout Baltimore, evidently searching for littering transgressions. A Ms. Nola Harris, 34, was a firsthand witness to this harrowing experience.
“I was throwing my apple core away, but it missed the trash. Then, out of the blue, this short, slender man attacks me! I couldn‘t move; I mean, I‘d never seen a blue man before, except for that crazy musical group,” stated Harris.
Apparently several “blue men” attacked these littering citizens, terrifying them into silent stupors for countless hours. Another victim, Mr. Reggie Farrell, 26, tried to fight back, enlisting the help of a metal baseball bat.
“They attacked me for throwing my cig on the sidewalk, they said. There was like three of them. Well I had my baseball bat with me, and I hit at them a couple times, but they just kept coming!” exclaimed Farrell.
Farrell was not the only one; Eric Spaulding 20, used a switchblade on his attackers, but, while they did bleed “blood that smelled like compost,” they continued to pursue him until he surrendered. Spaulding also stated that these aliens kept screaming in some foreign tongue.
“They kept yelling at me even after I sliced at them. I couldn‘t understand anything except the word ‘nevermore.’ I guess that was their way of saying don‘t litter?” questioned Spaulding.
As of right now, no one knows where these “blue men” came from, or if they had any purpose higher than instilling terror into littering humans. However, several “ET Experts” have commented on the phenomenon.
“These extraterrestrials plan on taking over the Earth; they are disturbed by the rapid destruction we homo sapiens are inflicting before they attain it.” claims Preston Blacklaw, author of the UFO award winning, What We Know: An Exhaustive Guide to Alien Movement on Earth. Blacklaw also has another book, The Life Out There, claiming to be an autobiographical account of his several abductions and short-lived marriage to an extraterrestrial princess.
Mayor John Burrough has yet to issue a statement on tonight’s profound events, and it is still unknown as to whether the city of Baltimore will pay the medical bills of those injured in the alien skirmishes.