It is with both privelege and a keen sense of urgency that I write with to you on a matter of most urgent and significant import. You will I hope excuse my poor grasp of your langauge which I assure you is as foriegn to me as is mine to you. I am moved to write to you for a single reason, which is namely that the president of your company is to me a good freind and that he says to me that you are a man who can be trusted. And furthermore a man of great public spirit and patroitism. Therefore I know I can trust you with an affair of the import and significance that my most urgent problem presents me.

You will excuse me for not sooner introducing myself. I am former minister of defense for the nation of Cote d’Ivoire with my office in the capital which is Yamoussoukro. I am also brother to the great Alassane Ouattara whom as I have no doute you are aware was the man who reformed the goverment of Cote d’Ivoire in a power struggle against the evil president Guei. My name is Ralph Ouattara. When I was minister of defense I was a wealthy and well-respected man whom all praised as with a single voice. But now it is not so.

In the course of my work as minister of defense I was placed under the duty of spymaster, and it was to me that all covert diplomats abraod would report their findings to. But alas for one day my best intelligence agent came to me and said he had discovered a horrible secret. The agent whose name was Diekro informed to me that when the government sent him to finding data on a trade partner of the Cote d’Ivoire’s (I cannot tell you which partner but it is a major world nation) they gave him a special portfolio. This portfolio contained many documents about the trade partner’s secrets, but during Diekro’s neggotiations he realised he needed more information. Using data from portfolio he gained access to the partner nation’s confidential goverment database. Under conditions of utmost secrecy Diekro read partner nation’s secret documents and discovered a manifold conspirasy with grave import and immense significance.

What Diekro read was that the partner nation together with Cote d’Ivoire had been conspiring to keep secret from the world a revolutionary technology for the assembly and aplication of cheese graters. With such a cheese grater or a “Greater Grater (TM)” a nation could grate cheese at one thousand times speed and quickly monopolize all world markets for grated cheese. “Greater Grater” could change the face of the world that eats cheese as we know it and that is why the nations had been keeping it secret, for in their arrogance they did not want to share their great discovrey with the world. Like a good agent Diekro reported all this to me.

At first I did not believe Diekro so I used defense department faculties to manufacture ten thousand “Greater Grater” machines and test them for myself. Let me tell you boy do they work. I could not beleive my eyes when I saw the “Greater Grater” in action and becuase I am a trusting and loyal man I questioned the new president about why such a “Greater Grater” was secret. This was a bad idea.

The next day Diekro was publically hanged for treason against Cote d’Ivoire and I was forced to flee nation to avoid the same fate. My flight will forever be burned into my memory as it was a time of great shame and humilliation for a proud man as me. I have tried to provide for myself and for my wife and seven children but it is hard when hiding from a nation to which I still in spight of myself bear unswerving loyalty. I have tried hard but I have “reached the end of my rope.” To keep me and my beutiful family from starving to death in desert I am forced to offer to you, in utmost secrecy and grave urgent confidence, the unique opportunity to purchase from me ten thousand revolutionary “Greater Grater” for merely US$1000. They would be worth at least US$1,000,000 on open market but because I am in exile I cannot reach such a market without giving my location to my enemies away.

I pray that you will see the significance and import of this opportunity as my children grow thiner every day and without your help it is certain they shall starve. I beg you to help a desparate and most unworthy man protect his loved ones from the twin spectres of hunger and warfare.

Your obedient servant
Ralph Ouattara

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Sorry, no C.O.D.s accepted. Visa, Master card only.
Shipping and handling charges of $7.83 apply to Residences of TX,MI,WI,WA,OR.
Taxes extra.

When is the last time YOU sat down to a romantic dinner by the fireplace, and filled your pallate with the aromatic scents of freshly cut and grated cheese? Let the flavors of Edam, Gouda, Limburger, and Cheddar roll along your tongue in an ecstatic medly of pleasure! Shakespeare, in a pang of writers block once wrote, (then crossed out) "If cheese be the fruit of love, keep cutting (and grating) it!"

Now with the patented Ultra-Grater 2000 (Only 12.99 + s/h!!!), you can venture onward in your quest for cheese heaven! With top secret NASA technology, the Ultra-Grater 2000 cuts the cheese with the greatest of ease, making the grating of even the hardest, crustiest cheeses a breeze! No longer will you look at preparing such cheese filled concoctions like quesadillas, nachos, or jello as a tough, agonizingly painful chore!

If you don't take or word for it that this grater will revolutionize your cheese grating experiance, just look what some of our customers have to say:
"Ultra-Grater 2000 is amazing! it is as if it is doing the work for you! Now I dont have to use the cat's razor sharp nail clippings in order to shave off the fruit of love so my children can have their favorite meals! Thanks Ultra-Grater!"--Mary J. (Albany, N.Y.)

"Ever since I purchased the Ultra-Grater, I have had a new swing in my step, and the wife has never been happier! Now that could be the Viagra, but I am convinced that this thing has enabled me to be more potent, cheese is the fruit of love, y'know... hubba hubba... Im an Ultra-Grater man now..."--Hugh Johnson (Memphis, TN)

Ultra-Grater inc. is so confident that this product will spice up your life, that if you absolutelty hate it, send it back, and we will refund your purchase in cheese! (Variety will be determined by market values for the week of return, certain restrictions apply)

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GRATE IT! SHRED IT! CRUSH IT INTO LITTLE BITS!!
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!

A.C.M.E. CHEESE GRATER

TURNING FROMAGE INTO FREEDOM FLAKES!!

Dear Trusted Friend,

My name is Willi Mugabe, and I'm an African Prince from Nigeria, a well known country in Africa. My father was an African King, also from Nigeria. He (my father) recently died in a horrible giraffe accident, and his entire pile of gold and money was left to me. His brother, who came to power after him, has been making very evil eyes at my piles of riches, and so I have decided to transport them out of the country. I would like to aquire your help in getting these incredibly large piles of gold and wealth out of my country, and into yours. All I will require is your bank account number, your social security number, your height, weight, birthdate and maiden name, as well as a photocopy (colour of course) of your passport. In return for this great help, I will give you a free of charge cheese grater! Think of it as my way of saying "Thanks to you!" for helping me to get the money away from my evil Uncle Satan! If you could simply send me these informations as soon as it is possible, I will send a stainless steel, 100% teflon, 50% cotton cheese grater to your mailbox as soon as is humanly possible!! This cheese grater is a very rare grater that is as valuable as the hope diamond! You can sell it if you want for a very large price. I cannot say how much that will be, but at very minimum, it will be a bazillion dollars, all for you my friend! I would like to thank you again for helping me in this, my hour of darkest despair.

Chow!

Sincerely,
Your trusting friend,
Willi Mugabe

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