As I sat at my desk shuffling through the paperwork that was the result of winning the lottery, I thought to myself, “If anyone knew the paperwork required by IRS when one wins the lottery, they would think twice before buying a ticket.” My silent grumblings were interrupted by the door bell.

As I arose, I struck my knee on the corner of my computer tower and let an expletive fly. I looked to see if anyone was in earshot and let out a sigh of relief that no one was near. The door bell rang again.

“I’m coming! I’m coming. Just hold on a blasted minute,” I yelled as I rubbed my knee and then headed to the front door. Peering through the window, I noticed the scruffiest looking young woman that I had ever seen. Cautiously, I opened the door.

“Mrs. Longbottom?” she queried.

“Yyyeeeessss” I responded skeptically.

“Mrs. Clarissa Longbottom?” she clarified.

“Yes, I’m Clarissa Longbottom.” I verified.

“I’m Iva Penny.”

“And…” I responded trying to hurry her along so I could get back to the IRS forms.

“I’m here to collect my $50,000.”

“What do you mean ‘your $50,000’?”

“You won $5 million dollars, right?”

“Yes, but what makes you think you are entitled to any of my winnings?” I asked incredulously.

“Remember when you went to buy your ticket, you dropped your change on the floor? When you picked it up, you were a penny short. Well, I’m the one who gave you a penny so you could buy your ticket. I’m here to collect my penny’s worth.”

It came as no surprise when I heard the knock at my back door. It had been less than one hour after I'd won the state lottery jackpot.

The hunched over old woman said, “I hate to bother you. I was wondering if you could spare $116.23. My electricity is going to be shut off.“ The old woman looked pathetic. Even more pathetic, was that she actually expected me to believe her sob story.

I scoffed. “Get outta here! I ain’t no bank! You want money?! Play the lottery instead of goin’ around beggin’!”

She turned and hobbled away.

The next morning I awoke to find my new Corvette in shambles. The tires were slashed and fecal matter was splattered everywhere. Scratched into the paint was “DIE!”

Under the wiper blade was a note. It read, “Dear Dead Man, See you at Thanksgiving. Love, Grandma”.

Hello, Mr John Ross? My name is Happiness Krystal Aurora. You don’t know me, but I know a lot about you. I am a psychic and have been helping you now for some time.
You don’t believe me? Well try this, I sense that you were just having a shower when I called round. Ha, believe my powers now? How else would I have known? Nice bathrobe by the way, the colour matches your aura.
Anyway, I saw you buying a lottery ticket the other day and telepathically implanted special numbers in your mind. What? You didn’t think a loser like you picked those lucky numbers yourself did you? So yeah, I have come round to collect my share. I have foreseen that you will give me about 15%, and you wouldn’t want to make the spirits angry now would you?!

“Hey you is that guy ain’t ya?”
Plastering a hard made smile on my face I turned to see who had spoken the words that would surly end my peaceful stay in this remote paradise.
She appeared to be all of 90, tiny and very wrinkled her eyes filmed over with obvious cataracts and her wide smile showing all six teeth.
“I knows you is I seed ya on da TB.”
How she could see anything I just can’t fathom yet here she was nodding her head at me as I tried to find a way to get rid of her and keep my serene retreat a secret a while longer.
“Bet ya got lots of folks wantin they hands in ya pocket.”
“Yes I do so what is it you want?”
She looked a little taken aback but her face quickly took on a dreamy cast and an almost youthful smile lit her face from within.
“Nuthin I just be wantin ta trys out ma new potion on ya, I be a healin woman round here but peoples be seein me old think I no good now.”
I know I looked incredulously at her for she added that I didn’t have to drink anything I had only to smell her wrist where she had placed the potion.
That is the last thing I remember before waking here with all these papers that my former lawyers say are legal and binding giving her my entire lottery winnings.

Errm, yeah, excuse me, are you Joe Hunnigan? You may not remember this, but I kinda broke into your house last summer...tried to steal your VCR and a sandwich toaster? Yeah, that was me, sorry. Anyway, I was in your garden 'making off with the loot' so to speak, ha ha, when I was abducted by aliens and taken up to their ship. They obviously thought I was you and did all kinds of weird experiments on me, implants, probes and such...you do not want more information mister believe me! So after I escaped from them, by hiding in a pile of entrails during one of their routine cattle mutilations, I heard about your good fortune and came round here because I figure you owe me pal!

A gentle fzzzzzz>POP< sound fills the space outside your door. Suddenly, a gently glowing man also fills that space. The glow is the only gentle part of his appearance. He is tall and broad... perhaps an inch too tall and broad for his forehead, which seems somehow lower and smaller than it ought to be on bipedal primate. He's slightly uncomfortable in his shiny business suit. Beneath the cloth, his muscles fight for space like three bowling balls in a one-ball sack.

He knocks firmly at your door. You answer.

He seems unused to speaking. His voice sounds like an old car starting on a Winter morning-- grumbles, coughs, and unexpected dips and peaks in volume. He rubs his knuckles nervously, as though they are more accustomed to do the bulk of his talking.

"We at TimeLines Incorporated would like to assure you that your lottery win is completely legitimate. However, we feel you can surely afford the inexpensive peace of mind provided by our timeline protection service."

'Service' sounds like "Soy-viss". The other polysyllabic words also seem a bit rumpled after their difficult journey through a port unused to so much bulky traffic.

“You know how I've always wanted to be an artist? I thought I would try teaching to raise money for better supplies to cast my porcelain penguins. But I can't afford to finish art school!"

“I thought it was all over until I saw this ad in Craigslist the other day-- someone is looking for an art teacher for drawing classes at a local shopping mall. They don't even require a teaching certificate! The only catch is, they require a commitment to the Church of Scientology."

“I don't know that I believe in that hocus-pocus... But I need that job! To prove I'm committed, I want to match the contributions Tom Cruise gave them. And since you are the only person I know who could do that, I was wondering if you could help me out? All those magic powers he acquired would surely help with my art as well!”

Lottery
It was the night of October 21, 2006 and I had just won the lottery. As I’m sitting on my couch I hear this quick rapping knock on the door and a deep southern accent that says, “Is anyone home?”
“Hold on a second.” I repeat back to him.
As I slowly open the door I see none other then Mr. George W. Bush. This was very shocking to me and he quickly introduced himself. (Like I didn’t know who he is!)
“I am Mr. George W. Bush, president of the United States,” he says proudly.
In a sarcastic voice I tell him that he is no longer the president. He chuckled slightly and said, “Yes about that,”… “There has been a slight change in the presidential rules and my term has been extended to 4 more years.”
I started to choke and managed to squeak out the words, “Oh, great.”
He said, “I just heard about your lottery winnings and I was wondering if you would donate some to your country. With the money, I will create a new voting system for those poor people in Florida.”
At this statement, I started cracking up and I asked him what he is really going to do with the money. In truth, I really didn’t believe that he was still the president of the United States, and I took the liberty in telling him so.
Once again he chuckled and this time asks if he can turn on the television. I shrug and tell him sure. He turns it to NBC and the very first announcement I hear is, “George W. Bush has been re-elected and will be our president for another 4 years!”

Only seconds later it seems I wake up in a cold sweat.
“Oh, what a dream!!”

I was there when you bought the ticket. I gave you my good luck.