From Belfries Today 27 February 2007

WANTED: Bell Tower Inspector. Multinational service organization seeks experienced inspector for senior level opening. Working knowledge of ISO9000 standards, bellfoundry and science of metal casting required. Prefer campanile certification and fluency in English and at least two of the following languages: French, German, Italian, Dutch. Extensive international travel required. Competitive compensation and benefits. Reply to post EGBDF.

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EGBDF
Belfries Today
Bruges 4M7
Belgium

Dear sir or madam;

In response to your posting in the 27 February Belfries Today, I would like to apply for the senior Bell Tower Inspector opening. My extensive experience includes five years as a clapper specialist and seven years as a Pythagorean tuner. For the last six years I have been cataloguing the pitch profile of church bells in Northeastern France.

As a Fellow of the Acoustician Academy, I have demonstrated a thorough understanding of bell temperaments and harmonics. My publications include “The Ageless Dilemma: Timbre vs. Strike Note in Tuning 15th Century Bells” for Medieval Church Architecture (September 2006) and: “Ambient Temperature Extremes and the Limitations of Old Style Tuning” for Historic Campaniles (May 2006). Further citations can be provided at your request.

One might say that bells are my life – I have no family, no home, and no other interests. Whatever time and energy commitment is required to fulfill your expectations, I will enthusiastically provide it. I have visited over 800 campaniles worldwide (documentation available) and have compiled a list of 2,300 more I would like to investigate.

The opportunity to use my expertise to further improve the bell tower experience is an opportunity I simply must pursue. My life mission is to spread the gospel of bells throughout the world. Some people I meet, even those in the bell-world, think my passion is extreme, but I do not think one can be too excited about bells. There is a steady, reassuring, permanence about bells that should be used to rescue mankind from the disharmony and uncertainty that exemplifies society today.

I am looking forward to your positive reply.

Sincerely,
Salvatore Quasimodo

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More about bells than you would ever want to know.

Ad

Wanted: Full-Time complaint department representative for a large telemarketing firm. Successful applicant must be able to handle irate and abusive customers, ignore death threats, and be able to apologize profusely without giving any indication whatsoever that the annoyance will ever actually stop. Those with heart conditions or that bruise easily need not apply.

Applicant letter

To whom it may concern,

I would like to apply for your recent ad on my answering machine. I hadn’t really paid much attention to the ad as a pop-up message on my web-browser, or as dozens of the SPAM messages I receive daily.
As both a former politician and Cigarette lobbyist, I’m fully capable of providing a heartfelt and understanding approach to shifting the blame onto others and creative a positive spin without improving the situation whatsoever. I actively smoke pot, so I rarely let insults get under my skin, and I own my own bullet-proof vest. I do not actually have a soul, but can pretend to if the job requires.

Job Description:

We at Adhesive & Aerosol Glue LTD are looking for an Adhesive Aroma Tester to work in the Quality Control Department of our company. The role entails smelling our products in order to ensure that no toxicity / safety guidelines are exceeded with regards to new products. The ideal candidate will possess a better than average sense of smell, with good communication skills. Interviews will include a sensory test to accurately measure the sense of smell.

Please send your application letters to:

Ms. Julie Miller
Human Resource Manager
Adhesive & Aerosol Glue LTD
P.O. Box GD 310
Greendale

Application:

Dear Ms. Miller,

I am writing in regard to the position of 'Adhesive Aroma Tester', as advertised in The Herald newspaper on 1st March 2007. I believe that my upbringing makes me a strong candidate for the position.

As a child, I was enrolled in a Biological Testing Facility where i was deprived of the use of my sense of smell. This was to see if my other senses would evolve to help overcome the loss. After 20 years of this, the test was deemed a failure, but to the surprise of the scientists, my sense of smell has evolved to greater heights. It has been compared to that of Police sniffer dogs, yet I have the distinct advantage over them in that I am the proud recipient of a Masters Degree in Communication.

I would welcome the opportunity for an interview to discuss the possibility of my employment within your organisation, as well as sit the sensory prooving exam. If you are interested, please contact me at (023)890-4014 any day between 6am and 9pm. I look forward to meeting you to discuss the ways my skill may best serve Adhesive & Aerosol Glue LTD.

Sincerely yours

David Davis

Job: Elephant pooper-scooper at the Indianapolis Zoo.

Hello Sir,
I feel I would be best for this job, because I have much experience with poo, and also because I love poo. I have eight dogs, great danes, and I also raise cattle, so I am far too familiar with large animals and large piles of doo-doo. I also worked 20 years cleaning toilets at a gas station, so smell won't be a problem. In school, I was at the top of my class in large animal care, so if I think we've got a problem, and I specialize in digestive problems, I gotcha' covered. Also I just love animal (and human) feces! I just love the stuff! So natural, so down-to-earth, it really symbolizes what all humans should try to be, a honest, natural, totally sincere, turd. Well, that's the idea. Anyways, just trust me, I am perfect for this job in so many ways. And it's not like I'll quit because this is my dream job! So you won't regret hiring me as your elephant pen pooper-scooper! And that's a promise!

Sincerely, your future employee,
Billy Hill

JOB DESCRIPTION: The garbage bag eaters. They specialize in eating nothing but filled-to-the-brim garbage bags. Very few people have enlisted here, so the pay is pretty good.

WHAT MAKES ME QUALIFY: I have been sifting through trash since I was a little kid living on the streets. Eating garbage has been a childhood memory of mine. What am I? I am a hobo, and that makes me the perfect person for it.

This job will be for the smart ones in the family. It's an easy job that will pay $500 weekly. The person chosen for this job will have to come in Mon,Wed,and Friday at 6:00 to look at ink spots on a note card to see what they can see.

Good For The Job: My son,George .W. Bush. He can say words with more then 5 letters in it! He has always been the smart one of the family and always will be. His wife is a school teacher and is right now helping George with his math. He still thinks that 1 plus 1= -7. But good thing I paid,I mean,introduced George to her. George likes to smile when he gets things right,so don't judge him! I really hope he gets this job. He will be the best for it, I promise.

Thank You,
George Bush,SIR

Subject: Need Your Help
To:LarryTheBusDriver04@yehaw.com
cc:
bc:
From:OjibwaCharlston345@yehaw.com

Hello Friend. I have obtained your email through a secret source, and I must confide in you. You are my only hope.
My name is Andionne Charleston, and recently my father died. I live in Ojibwa, a small country hardly ever recognized by your american government.
Things are very different in Ojibwa now then they were when I was a boy. The government is holding my funds until I reach the age of 24. See, my father, he was a very rich man. He was a scientist, and an inventor of medicines. During his life-time, he earned much for our family. The government wants to keep this money, for they are in debt. And when I do receive it, six years from now, it will be taxed greatly! But the money is rightfully mine. And now I live in poverty. I must escape this.
And you Lawrence, you must help me. Please help me complete this business transaction.
My plan is to send the money to your account in America, and eventually escape Ojibwa and retrieve my rightful funds, leaving you with ten percent for your help.
Please respond,
Charleston.

Subject: RE: Need Your Help
To:OjibwaCharlston345@yehaw.com
cc:
bc:
From:LarryTheBusDriver04@yehaw.com

Hello. My name is Lawrence Montgomery. This letter is in response to your business offer I recieved in my email box yesterday. Your promise of 'lots of money' sounds quite rewarding. And all I have to do is give you my account information? Sounds so simple, how could I not do it!
It sounds horrible the many taxes you face in Ojibwa. I can completely understand why you must evade this. An offshore account would seem pointless. I feel honoured that you have chosen me, and I understand that you must keep it a secret about how you know me. This too, is for protections from the Ojibwan Government.
So Lawrence, before I accept your offer, I will give you a list of some of my qualifications to proove I trustworthy and so you will feel assured that your money will be safe until you are able to escape from the Ojibwan borders.
I know you probably researched my back story before you sent the email, but I would like you to know my personal information before you commit. My name Is Charles, Montgomery, and I am married to Louise Haden-Montgomery. We have two children Charles and Mathew, and I work as a school bus driver. Yes, I know, not very glamourous. Charles is beginning college this fall, and it would be wonderful to send him to school, with your aid. We had actually already made an appointment with financial aid services.
But anyways, I am excited to do business with you Lawrence, and I am very sorry to hear about your late father.