7/7/03
I started my new job today. Finally, I can start a new life and make it on my own. The people seem nice enough. The training is going well. I’m learning how to be a helpdesk technician. I can’t wait to get on the phones and to really start solving the problems of the people who call in! I’m so excited! I know that solving their technical problems will help with my self-esteem. I’m so glad to get out of the system and into the half-way house.

7/8/03
There’s so much to learn! I never knew that there were so many problems with Microsoft’s software. We’re learning how to fix all these problems when people call. Call me simple, but why should WE patch the problem? Why doesn’t Microsoft write a better product? Oh well, I’m excited. In six days, I get to start answering the phones!

7/9/03
How can so much be wrong? Instead of teaching us about the great functions of the software that we support, we are being inundated with manuals of ‘Features’ that Microsoft has. The ‘Features’ cause everything to stop working! It’s so much to learn. I know that the headaches will stop once I get on the phones next week.

7/10/03
It hurts. My head keeps hurting. The instructor doesn’t care. He keeps saying that we don’t know anything yet. He must be jaded from working here so long. He’s been here almost seven months. I need this job. I don’t want to go back.

7/11/03
Boy did I get in trouble today. They called me aside and had a ‘Coaching Opportunity.’ I just asked why they didn’t FIX the problem instead of patching it. You could see the blood vessels on Zelda’s forehead blister. She kept telling me, “Just follow the script!” Sometimes I wish I could give my headaches to her, then she would know what it’s like…b***h.

7/12/03
Last day of training. I’m not ready. How can they expect us to answer the phones and solve all of these problems? There are sooooo many problems. How can one company create so much havoc? Another ‘Coaching Opportunity’ today. All I did was ask if Microsoft knew about these bugs. Jeez, you woulda thought that I assassinated the Pope. All I want to do is help people, but there is too much to know. One fix breaks a hundred other things. I think the headaches have lessened since I didn’t take my meds this morning. Stupid doctors. Oh well, Monday’s the big day! I’ll be on the phones solving problems!

7/14/03
Can’t sleep. Even when I close my eyes, I see them. I told them to leave. They just laughed. The big huge bloody bugs were everywhere again. The doctor said that they would go away. He lied. Now they’re back. This time they have tattoos that say, “Microsoft Certified.” If you squash one it turns into a hundred more. I can feel them crawling all over me. One crawled into the phone. I can’t answer the phone tomorrow, the bugs are there. I’m going to drink until I sleep.

7/15/03
What a day. I thought I was prepared. I put my headset on and then the ‘beep’ happened. Someone was there talking to me and asking questions. I didn’t know what to do at first, so I hung up. That worked pretty good until Zelda found out. b***h. She stood next to me when the next call came in. Through the gibberish I felt them crawling into my head. I tried to brush them off, but Zelda made me put the headset back on. Now I know I’m infected. They keep telling me things to do. You can’t kill them, they breed in chaos. I told the client to apply the patch. He wanted to know if that would fix the problem. If Zelda wasn’t there I would have told him the truth. They told me this would happen. I know what they’re going to do. Tomorrow, I’ll tell them. I’ll tell them all before it’s too late.

7/16/03
It’s not the software. It’s not the product. They are demons straight from the pits of hell. Satan is their father and they’re evil demons winding their way through the world taking the easiest path to destroy humanity. Soon everyone will be attached to the glowing screens being sucked into hell. But I know how to kill them…kill them all. Last night an angel appeared to me and told me the secret to tell all the callers. I will save the world from the fiery pits of hell.

The angel was so beautiful…

she only said one word…..

I heard her speak one word …

but in an epiphany ….

everything became clear…

when they call I will say the word….

”Linux.”

June 1, 2003

Today was an exciting day. Merchandise goes on sale tomorrow and all looks well. I am excited about all the revenue that will be generated thanks to this new site feature. Finally, all the bandwidth bills will no longer be a concern. Just imagine, t-shirts, mugs, clocks, ceramic tiles, displaying images created on a site that I created!

June 2, 2003

I was hoping today would be the day which the merchandise would be available. There was a slight mix-up, which delayed things just a little. I notified the site members who seemed to be collectively OK with the situation. Let's hope for better luck tomorrow.

June 3, 2003

I won't write much today as I'm pretty tired tonight. I did not go to sleep last night because I was trying to have the site ready for merchandising. No luck yet, there still seems to be some problems that I will try to fix up tomorrow.

June 4, 2003

I haven’t slept since the second. My wife keeps bugging me to leave the computer and get some rest. How can I rest? She doesn’t know how important this is to me. Why won’t she leave me alone?

June 5, 2003

Success! Merchandise is finally working on the site! Come, my minions! Buy from my site, come on, buy more! Hahahahaaaaa!

June 6, 2003

I finally rested last night for 3 hours, until I awoke excitedly and ran to the computer to check how the sales were doing. There was something wrong. The feature was not working. I grabbed whatever heavy object I could get my hands on and destroyed my computer. Rage consumed me. There is nothing that will stop me from selling my merchandise! Nothing!!!

June 7, 2003

I got a new computer today! I got it for really cheap. All I had to do was break into the local library and steal it. I continued my effort to ready the site for merchandising.

June 8, 2003

My wife would not leave me alone today. Something about her ovulating - whatever that means. She doesn’t know how important this is. She doesn’t know. “Shave your beard, cut your nails, take a shower, you’re living in your own filth.” STOP NAGGING ME!!!

June 9, 2003

I have a feeling it will be ready soon. I had a clearer head today because my wife was not nagging so much today. A sock, a little duct tape and some nylon rope are all you need to get some efficient work done sometimes. On my to do list tomorrow: go to the bank and pick up some cash to pay for the merchandising service. I smell success already!

June 10, 2003

It was a pretty crazy day today. After holding the bank up at gunpoint, I got into a bit of a car chase. I had a hard time shaking off those darn cops for a while. Eventually I got busted, so I’m sitting here in jail right now. The cell is just so empty and undecorated. This gives me an idea for a new photoshop contest! I’m going to take a couple pictures and put it on the site as a themepost when I get home.

July 2, 2003

It’s finished. Thank the Lord above it is finished. Merchandise is finally available. This time it’s for good! HaHAAA! You cannot stop me now!!! I can do anything! I am invincible!!! I have finished thanks to the peace and quite I got without my wife around to nag me.

Oh my God, no. . .

Diary of a Manager (Aren’t They ALL Insane?)

June 1, 2003
ISSUE LOG:
Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots. What’s worse is that we pay them. My bonus depends on their productivity. If they don’t meet metrics, my new BMW will be history. That’s OK. I have a plan.

ACTION PLAN:
1. Reduce employee break-time to increase productivity.
2. Increase hours required to work. No overtime or extra pay. (What are they going to do? Get another job in this economy?)
3. Monitor their work closely and ride them like a bull.

June 12, 2003
ISSUE LOG:
Lazy idiots. All they do is complain about the workload. What do they think? This is their life. I can’t help it if they’re at the bottom of the food chain. I own them. They work for me. Time to be a more effective manager. Think outside the box. Paradigm shift.

ACTION PLAN:
1. Assign more tasks, especially my work.
2. Reduce lunch hours.
3. Stare at them constantly.
4. Post local layoffs on Bulletin Board.
5. Bring in empty boxes, stand by their tiny cubicles, and stare at them for one hour.

July 1, 2003
ISSUE LOG:
More. I want more. Seven figures is not enough. I need to have that weekend home in Aspen by November. If I don’t buy it soon, everyone will know that I’m a total failure in life. I need more money.

ACTION PLAN:
1. Reduce overhead by requiring employees to Co-Pay for their Health Insurance.
2. Require employees to take out their own garbage. (Reduces overhead. More for ME!!!!)
3. Community Project. Take up a collection for homeless people. Set a goal of $350,000.00. (I just won’t tell them I’m homeless in Aspen! Haha)
4. Propose plan to employees to accept 20% reduction in pay or be laid off. (Skim extra cash for the Hot Tub and Spa.)
5. Raise the bar. Make the numbers or lose vacation time. No. Make them work on their vacation. Yeah, that’s it. Tell them our company is in serious financial trouble. Squeeze them for every drop of blood possible. More money for me!

July 14, 2003
ISSUE LOG:
Dull apathetic slobs. Complaining about pay cuts. Don’t they know that their purpose in their puny existence is to provide a comfortable lifestyle for me? They thought that going to the Labor Board would help them. I’ll show them.

ACTION PLAN:
1. Charge rent for cubicles. Call it Government Housing Subsidy.
2. Increase the price of drinks at the soda machines. (I own them!!!!! Haha)
3. Provide free salty pretzels as snacks! (See # 2).
4. Institute a new policy that does not allow employees to leave campus for lunch.
5. Increase the prices on food in the cafeteria.
6. Buy leftovers from the other cafeterias.
7. Turn off refrigerators in break room.
8. Stare at the employees all the time.
9. Put video cameras in their cubicles. Let them know I’m watching.
10. Set Air Conditioning to 80 degrees. Site environmental concerns.
11. Community Project. Require Blood and Plasma Drive. Collect it and then sell it to buy a new leather chair for my cool office.
12. Community Project. Have them pick up trash alongside the highways on their way home. Don’t tell them that I get paid for them to do this. (haha).
13. Stare at them while they’re on break.

August 2, 2003
ISSUE LOG:
More. More. MORE! It’s never enough! The IRS took out $380,000.00 from my $1,000,000.00 quarterly bonus check. I can’t believe it. God, I paid them almost $8,000.00 last year in taxes. Thank God for my CPA. He’ll get it all back. I need more money. It’s not enough. I have to have MORE.

ACTION PLAN:
1. Make employees skip breaks. Implement a policy that requires them to log their breaks and compliance to breaks while ON break. If they’re more than five minutes late they have to document why. Make it such a hassle that they stop taking breaks.
2. Charge for Internet Use in their cube. Call it a Non-Work Compliance License Fee. Tell them the government is taxing their internet use. Use direct payroll deductions.
3. Community Project. Food and clothing drive. Make a big deal about it. Set BIG and HIGH goals. Make them feel good. Sell the food and clothing. Buy 72” Plasma TV for my cool office.
4. Set up dummy corporation. Have Employee 401K Retirement Fund buy five million shares. Declare dividend to self. Buy weekend home in Aspen…CASH!!!
5. Charge parking fees for use of parking lot. Payroll deduction.
6. CUBICLE SHARING!!!! Two runts in one CUBE!!!! Double my MONEY!!!!!
7. Mother/Daughter day. Have mothers bring their children to work and show them what they do. Make the kids work for free.
8. STARE AT THEM CONSTANTLY…..

Jane’s Diary

January 21, 2000

Dear Diary,
Sorry about the interruption. Mom needed me to take out the garbage. I hate doing that. The neighbor across the street is such a weirdo. He always stares at me. Mom says he is just “eccentric” but I call him a freak. They tell me not to talk to him but Mom says I should make friends cause he’s just a lonely guy. But I think I’ll listen to Them. Well, I better get going. I need to finish up that term paper. Mary just reminded me its due in 10 days. She always makes sure my school work gets done on time. She is so unlike Jake. He is such a slacker. I am sure glad I don’t hear from him too often.
Jane

February 1, 2000
Dear Diary,
Sorry I haven’t written in you for awhile. I guess I’ve been kind of out of it. I turned in my term paper. Samantha helped me. She is so smart and was a big help. I heard from Jake the other day. But he was being kind of a bother (I was trying to do some homework) and I think Mary started to get on to him. Something about him being a distraction. Despite the fact that he is a slacker, he is still a pretty cool guy. Maybe one day when Mary isn’t around, I’ll call him up and he and I can hang out. Well, the phone just rang and its my friend Jenny. I’ll write more later.

Jane

February 15, 2000
Dear Diary,
It happened again. I was talking to Billy and he said something like I told him he and I would hang out at his parent’s condo on the beach. But I honestly don’t remember saying that. So when I told him I couldn’t go (I promised my nephew I would be at his birthday party that weekend) he got mad at me. But I don’t understand how he could get so mad. I never made plans with him. Am I going crazy or is he trying to trick me?
Jane

February 18, 2000
Dear Diary,
After Billy and I had our fight, he called and apologized. I guess we will never know what happened. Maybe I should check with Leona. She might have had something to do with it. I bet she made plans with Billy trying to get me into trouble. But why would she do that? Mary says I should just ignore Leona. But how can I? Ignoring Leona is like ignoring myself .
Jane

March 2, 2000
Dear Diary,
Today was a so-so day. Samantha and I were talking during lunch. She said that she would help me study for my Trig test next week. She also suggested that maybe she should take it instead of me. But why would she want to do that? If someone else took it, that would be cheating. Right? So while Samantha and I were talking at lunch, people kept staring. Like they had never seen two high school girls talking at lunch. Well, the whole thing was weirding Samantha out, so she left and then the people stopped staring. Thank goodness for that. Oh yeah, forget to tell you. The Senior Picnic is coming up soon. Jane

April 15, 2000
Dear Diary,
Sorry I haven’t written you in awhile. Yesterday was the Senior Picnic and we had fun. Billy and I found a spot near the lake and we talked. He asked me to the Prom and of course I said yes (which made Leona very happy). These are confusing times for me. Lately it seems my memory is fading. There are whole days I just cannot remember. Am I losing my sanity? Mary says not to worry about it. It will pass and everything will be better. My whole life, I have always seen Mary as my “guardian” and Samantha as my friend. Leona and Jake are off and on, I guess. But now, I am kind of scared. Are they my friends or something else? No one else can see them or hear them unless they take over. But what kind of a friend would just take over someone? Not any kind that I know about. I am only 18 years old and I feel as if I am losing touch with reality. The bad memory is one thing but feeling as if someone takes over is something else entirely….

Jane

May 31, 2000
Dear Diary,
Today is graduation. But after I get my diploma, I will say goodbye to Billy and my folks. I cannot take this anymore. The voices I hear, the blank holes in my memory…all of it. Thank you Diary for listening. To my family : I love you all!

Jane

April 12th:

The children keep crying at me to take them to the new park, so we went to check it out. God, there were so many kids there, thought I was gonna have to haul a few to their parents! Kids these days have no manners. Mine were perfect angels of course, but I should have worn a better dress. This neighborhood "frowns" on my attire apparently. I kept getting these weird stares from the other parents, as if I weren't welcome. The children had fun though, a yummy picnic and bike riding is a great diversion from sitting in front of the TV all day long. Tomorrow, diary, I'm going to buy tomatoes.

April 13th:

What a terrific day, the birds were singing, the sun was shining, everything was perfectly in balaWE HAVE COME FOR YOUR SOUL YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE HORRORS THAT WE WILL WREAK UPON YOUR CIVILIZATIONce. The kids sure were better behaved after taking them to the park yesterday. The birds though...the birds they were staring.

at me

July 30th:

They are all birds, they all stare with their lizardly coldblooded gaze. I see them watching but others can't. I must have the gift of interpretation to see them staring when I'm not looking. The crows. It was the Crows they are smart, you know, I heard they can count and bake chocolate cakes on wednesdays.

August 1st:

Today Darrel was a gem, Diary, what a man! That song was right you know. I just love him so much, letting me serve the Lord in my own grace and temperance. I'm so lucky to have a good husband who believes in honorable strong values. This way our children can be raised in a healthy loving environment without society raising them into evil demon goateed satan spawn....it happens you know, and I know. I see the birds watching and the children becoming birds, little pidgeon sparrows.
some are red and they squeak
some aren't red then they're red when I make them squeak
the children squeak

August 15th:

Praise the Lord I've flushed out the tommyknockers in them, finally, pristine progeny fills my house they watched I did it, it was cleansing it was LOVE the love of the Lord,
Little Esther she was wrought by demons, I spared her soul i did finally
squeak squeak birdie birdie squeak

August 16th:

So when Cain sacrificed Abel to the Lord, the Lord God didn't appreciate it. Now, how much resentment did Cain feel, here he sacrifices the person most important, most loved by him to show his love and willingness to give to the Lord and he gets Expulsed from the Garden like the lowliest of worms. or birds hehehehehehe
And Abel sacrifices lowly beasts and becomes the golden child. I don't think I agree with this part of the Bible. I spoke with Darrel about it, he firmly stands with the Book on this instance. He's so becoming so so
No, Diary, I couldn't believe, he's a man of god, but the sparrows, he keeps preaching about sparrows, and two sparrows and doves and crows.
They spread disease the ravens the rat-bats with girth. The children were playing with one, Darrel I saw...I SAW
He
was
talking to
one in our bedroom, It was on the bed it was there in my BED in my ROOM he is scaring me. He denies it just like a man. Just like those Jay-mans, they walk the streets heads of mocking birds, mocking me, laughing and staring their evil red beady eye smiles at me. at ME a woman of god, a godly woman, but Cain was right, Cain was right, and Darrel is wrong and the Lord is wrong. His stare is stronger asking of the children asking where the squeakies are, wanting them wanting squawklings running loose.
He be a demon, too, Diary.
What shall I do?

August 17th:
I have decided that
He shall squeak too.

Fri. Oct 3:
- Almost midnite & D.’s plane is already 2 hrs. late landing in Hamburg. Giving up. We’ll call him tomorrow.

Sat. Oct 4:
- D. got in to H’burg @ 12:10 last nite. Should have waited, tried again while Connie was here. Now she’s gone till after dinner. It’s 6 hrs. later there, so we can’t call him till Sun. Bloody hell.

Sun. Oct 5:
- Okay, now I’m PO’d. D. must think I’ve forgotten him. WHERE’S CONNIE? Can’t use my own voice, he’ll find out for sure. What must he think? I know he’s got a meeting 1st thing Mon., so I’ll get Connie to leave voicemail late tonight, say it’s too late to talk. Damn.

Mon. Oct 6:
- Off the hook. Wow, can’t breathe. Connie was great, sounded just like what I’d say, but where the hell was she on Sun.? b***h. Her msg. said we’d call @ about 8p in H’burg, that’s about 2p here. She better not screw it up this time. Can’t wait to meet D., he sounds perfect. Hope he likes nut cases, ha ha.
- 3:44p, & Connie great again! What a sister!! D.’s wired, can’t get enough. She sounded just like me, said she loves him, can’t wait till we meet. Have no idea what to do when D. & I meet, he will know right away. What if it’s Connie he loves? Bloody b***h better keep her hands off my D.

Tues. Oct 7:
- O GOD!! How did he get my number? O GOD!! Think I got thru it OK, but he really caught me off guard. My voice is deeper than Connie’s. I could tell he paused for a sec, maybe thinking about it, but didn’t say anything. God, I was so NERVOUS!! WHERE’S CONNIE?? That slut better get her ass home RIGHT NOW!! This can’t happen again.
- Can’t remember what he said, I was SO nervous! D’s coming here, but when? Said he has to go to London, I remember, and then Montreal. Friday? Was it Friday? Are we meeting on FRIDAY? O GOD!! Connie, you’ve gotta do this for me. I can’t DO THIS!!!

Wed. Oct 8:
- Okay. Everything is going to be fine. Oh my gosh, Connie is SO good. When she phoned this morning, D. thought it was me. Everything is okay. D. will be here on Friday. It’s been less than a week on these new meds, but I think I’m finally starting to feel better. I can meet him, and then I’ll explain. He’s so great, he’ll understand. I love him so much, and he’s going to love me he loves me anyway he’s going to love me anyway, I love him so much and he loves me. I can’t let him find out. He’ll understand, he loves me so much. I love him how can I tell him?
- Connie better not screw this up. This is my chance, my one chance, and that scheming little b***h better not screw this up. He loves me. D. loves ME, not Connie. D. DOES NOT love Connie, and I love D. Connie doesn’t love D. Connie’s my sister. She better not screw this up. She can just tell him that I love him and he can love me anyway, even though I’m like this. This is me, and he loves ME!!

- - -

Sun. Nov. 16:
- All these blank pages, Diary, I am so sorry. I have been so sad. I can’t write to you like I used to, Diary. The people in this place watch everything I do. I can’t remember Connie. I can’t remember what she looked like. She was my sister and I loved her so much, but why did she try to be me? She talked to D like she was me. She wanted to be me, and she took away my happiness. I could have been so happy. If only I could have met D. that day, I know we would have been so happy. She took away my D. So I took away her happiness. Fair is fair. Life is so unfair.

April 3, 2003

Her hair brushed my shoulder today. It felt like a rush of a million goose bumps through my soul, but I don't think she noticed and I hid it well. I can hardly look at her without that rush of heat that floods over me, like a tidal wave. But at the end of lunch, just as the bell rang, I saw her looking at Tom. I know he likes her, and I hate him! How can she even LOOK at him?!

In gym class, Carry pushed me into my locker again, and said I was going to get it and soon. I hate gym class. I just wish everyone would leave me alone. They even spit gum in my hair yesterday and Mom had to use scissors to cut it out. I wish they would stop.

April 4, 2003

Why can't they just leave me alone?! I know I'm a loser, but I just want to be left alone! They laughed at me in class today, cause I was leaning back in my chair and that jerk Tom pulled it out from under me. People used to pick on him, until I came to this stupid school. Now he's the cool one. After lunch, I saw her holding hands with him. She walked by and pretended not to even see me. Doesn't she know?! How can she do this?!

Dusty walked up and punched me for no reason, and all his friends out at the rock in the square laughed. Keep laughing....jerks!

April 5, 2003

Someone let the air out of my bike tires today. I've only been at this school for three months now, and I already hate everyone. I thought it was going to be different this time. Why does everyone hate me? Well…I HATE THEM RIGHT BACK!!

April 6, 2003

I was looking through my folk's dresser while they were out to dinner. I couldn't believe it...there's a GUN in there! Wow....I never knew! I was holding it, and it gave me an idea. I know how I can stop everyone from picking on me. I'll have to leave a couple books out of my backpack tomorrow, but I guess it doesn't really matter. I won't need them after 3rd period anyway.

Dear Diary,

I don’t know why I call you dear anymore. It’s not like you write back. But what the Hell, here’s my day in a nutshell:

I went to work, as I always do, faithfully, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. I show up on time, I am where I am supposed to be, and I do what I am supposed to do. WHO GIVES A DAMN ANYMORE????

I went to my office, expecting the usual set of whining, b***hing, moaning little morons to come through my office with all of their little USELESS LITTLE MORONS!!!! I’LL KILL THEM ALL problems that they could solve themselves if they’d just communicate a little more. And that’s all I tell them. They come, sometimes alone, sometimes as a pair, occasionally as a small group. THE LITTLE NAZIS ARE TAKING US OVER AND WILL BREAK OUR LITTLE HEARTS AND STEAL OUR LITTLE MINDS, THE THIEVING LITTLE NO GOOD TWITS.

I was in my office at nine, as always. My first appointment, Mr. and Mrs. LAME ASS DUMB STUPID MORONIC LITTLE BIRD FARTS BURNING IN HELL Jones, was due at 9:30. Of course, they didn’t show up until CAN’T TELL TIME IF SOMEBODY STOOD THERE AND MENTIONED IT MINUTE BY MINUTE, SECOND BY SECOND THE LITTLE TWERPS SHOULD DIE almost 9:45. But that’s okay, they were on my clock, and they now had 45 minutes to spend with me, even though they were paying for an hour.

Actually, they spent the first 15 minutes whining about that THEY’RE GONNA PAY ALL RIGHT!!!! THROUGH THE NOSE AND OUT WHEREVER I CAN PULL THE CA$H they should pay for what they didn’t receive, and I simply pointed out that it was an office policy and I wasn’t even the one responsible for the billing.

Not wanting to pay for the whole hour was the only thing they seem to be able to agree on, though. The last half hour, the time we actually spent doing what we were supposed to, sort of, they spent that disagreeing on everything WHO THE HELL PUT THESE TWO TWITS TOGETHER???? THEY SHOULD JUST DIE, THESE PUKE-SUCKING LOVEBIRDS ARE DESTINED TO BURN IN HELL TOGETHER we talked about. I asked where they liked to go on vacation, and Mr. Jones said Mrs. Jones liked Hawaii, while Mrs. Jones insisted she preferred the Bahamas. At the same time, she went on for almost 5 minutes BOY CAN THEY b***h TALK NON-STOP LIKE SHE’LL STOP BREATHING IF SHE FAILS TO SAY SOMETHING WHAT A WASTE OF DISEASE-RIDDEN FLESH about how Mr. Jones loves the New England states. Mr. Jones stated unequivocally that he is a fan of the old west.

The sad thing here is that this was my easiest appointment of the day. Five more appointments and a total of nine MORONS THAT COULDN’T THINK THEIR WAY OUT OF A RAT MAZE GIVEN DIRECTIONS WHO ON A BRIGHT SUNNY CLOUDLESS DAY WOULD NEED A LIGHT TO SEE BECAUSE THEY’RE SO DAMNED DIMWITTED lost souls looking to me for advice. Oh, sure, I’ve got all the certifications required by the state, but IF THERE WEREN’T SO MANY MORONS THAT THINK THEY’RE GOD’S GIFT TO WHATEVER THAT THEY CAN JUST WALK UP TO ME AND I’LL BE SO THRILLED TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF SUCH GREAT GOAT-SUCKING LICE-FILLED SACKS OF SPOILED CAMEL’S MILK THAT I’LL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THEM it seems I can barely get a date, much less have a relationship worth even mentioning. I suppose there’s a reason I leave the fact that I’ve been married and divorced five times TO SUCH WORTHLESS PEOPLE THAT IF THEY WERE IN FRANCE THEY WOULD BE TREATED NICELY in my advertisements for my services as a relationship counselor.

Oh, well, there’s always tomorrow WHEN I TAKE AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON TO WORK and things will surely be nicer. Until then, good night, YOU WORM-SUCKING DOG-HUMPING BEAN-SNORTING RICE-PATTY-CAKE-PATTY-CAKE-BAKER’S-MAN-LOVING diary.

July 11th, 1985

I have begun to make this journal so that aspiring scientists may learn from my mistakes and trials then apply it to their studies. It is my fond hope that others will learn from my journal as I search for the cure to Eamilidolinitus. The institute that I reside in has allowed me to research this disease, but only because I am the first ever to do so. In fact, I was the one that came up with the name. Emilio is my name (the extra letters make it look more professional) and the rest is just a normal end. I personally believe that this is the disease that is pre-emptive for asthma. I shall be researching this conundrum in the coming years.

August 12, 1985

A breakthrough! After months of patience, the bacterium Eamilidolinitus has been isolated. Now, the true testing begins, and I shall spend years doing tests.

December 31st, 1985

I reach the end of my first year with little progress. The bacterium has been isolated, true, but nothing has come of it. All the tests on rats have produced nothing. Absolutely Nothing! I have tried injecting it into rats, just exposing them to it, and even putting it into unborn rats. Still nothing. I know that my colleagues are laughing behind my back. I saw their expression when I had my seminar earlier this month when I had to present my findings. Oh, they laugh now… but only now. I will find the cause and effects of this disease, then find a cure. With the future as my witness, this I swear.

February 5th, 1986

I still have no results. Hundreds upon hundreds of rats have been experimented on, but not one has shown any ill much less asthma. The other scientists, who I can no longer even consider calling colleagues talk of me in jokes, and blatantly laugh when they see me coming down the hall. Those… morons, no longer have the professional courtesy to say, “keep at it, you’ll find something,” or even just to remain serious when I speak.

June 24th, 1986

Laugh at me now will they?! I have finally come upon substantial results. Half my rats have spontaneously combusted! This is proof that Eamilidolinitus is the bacteria that causes people to spontaneously combust. One of the greatest mysteries in the human existence has been solved. I soon shall present my evidence for a seminar of scientists. My day has come!

June 25th, 1986

Those fools! Those insolent fools! They mocked me, laughed at me, and totally disregarded my year of research. They think my theory of spontaneous combustion is a joke! The president actually asked, “So what have you been working on?” Trust me, they will pay for this. Oh, they will pay…

July 4th, 1986

Ah, the day of independence. How ironic that I am no longer free. Confined to this cell for trying to have my revenge. They say I am mad. Yes, I’m mad… at them. How dare they laugh at me! I have the evidence, even more proof than saying Bob is alive. Of course I’m alive! Are you saying that I’m not? No no no no, I simply said that I had lots of proof. I’ll let it slide this time. Oh thank you Bob! They will pay though… how little do they realize that I have released Eamilidolinitus upon them all! They will pay for their mistakes in fire fueled by their own agony!

I am 54 years old. I live alone amid this muddle of a house. I am a simple creature yet one of many virtues. Cups of tea don’t come easy to my hands but darned if the rabbits going to escape...even if my effort goes unrewarded. One would naturally assume that a gesture of love, of simple warmth would not go unnoticed. Mayhap the gift never reached its intended party, escaping before eager hands can tear open the flimsy flamsy piece of cardboard society likes to refer to as an "envelope". Envelope indeed my dear chap, do YOU see the rabbit...well DO YOU? NO! and THAT is my point you see, exactly and unrelentingly my point.

Once necessary procedures had run through and the thickened paper carrying its precious, furry contents had passed through all mechanisms it would be a delightful surprise for even the blasted water board. Many uses could be put towards itself...unless it did escape? No. No, no and ... wait there...do rabbits prefer ripe bananas or green ones with labels on? Hmmm don’t answer that, its rhetorical. OF COURSE! Surely the legal papers arriving each year after the supposedly happy period had passed were for the actual rabbit and not myself. Yet, no that cannot be so as, as my rape councilor once said "Let not thineself be thrown amid the dark abode of snakes for but a loaf of bread". So THATS it...YES!!!!!! THATS IT! Upon completion of packaging, insertion of bananas, CAREFUL INSERTION MIND YOU!!!CAREFUL!! i walk amid my daisy field, in an emotional daze towards that bulbous red globe. "Special Delivery", says i in eloquent tones, "and don’t hold him hostage...not like last time! HAHAHAHA! IM ONTO YOUR GAME....I KNOW YOUR GAME LOVE! Now take him away and deliver upon time, lest the hallowed owl stand upon your line. If you get the idea. Now be away with my package and keep those infernal legal papers away from me your hear. Not my business with them in such related matters OR the RSPCA for that matter"

So i turn and walk away, onwards and passing, back to my home. Glancing left i once saw an advertisement: "Rabbits for sale - only 19.99". As my eyes narrowed, a thin scream escaped my ever widening lips to finish in a triumphant roar as i whip my thoughts away from such simple fare.
The fields are my hunting grounds.
Setting the kettle down amid the failed excuses of presents gone awry upon entry into thickened paper I lift the cup. Keep dreaming. Carefully navigate past the carcasses. Never stop. Reflection past unforeseen mirrors. Close the gate. History is set. See who you are.
Setting my cup down I wonder, "Will the police get their rabbit this year..."