Notice of Intent to Sue

Dear Sarah,

This letter is a notice of intent to sue under Section 304(a)(2) for emotional distress. Because of the deplorable condition you left the living room, bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, car, and my bank account when you came home from college for winter break. This notice is being given by your Mother.

The intended suit will be based upon failures to comply with my house rules therefore requiring civil legal actions be sought.

I will request the right to come to your apartment to stuff trash under your couch, dump various liquids on your furniture and or carpets, spend all my free time running up your phone bill, eating all your food, and not flush the toilet after use. I am also asking for the right to use your vehicle for running the gas out of while going nowhere with no one. One of my requests will be for the right to leave my dirty hand prints on your living room wall, and to leave mud on your couch with my shoes. The last request I will ask for is the right to sit down at your cute little dining room set where I will proceed to carve my name into that nice shiny surface with a fork.

I hope we can be amicable about this and move on with our relationship.

Mom

Mr Barry Sackman
Local Council Offices
53 Rubbish Lane
Glasgow
Scotland

Dear Mr Sackman

Claim for compensation

I am writing this letter as I have been caused great distress by a tree in the local park.

Whilst walking my little poodle, Dollykins, in the park the other day I saw the most gorgeous guy across the field. He looked over and spotted me. Acting coy I looked at my feet as I walked, playing hard to get. Anyway, suddenly this tree comes out of nowhere and hits me right in the face. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. I looked over, red faced, and saw him laughing.

Later on that day I was telling a friend about the incident as we sat in a local coffee shop, I spotted a familiar face in the magazine she was reading. I couldn’t believe it when I found out the guy in the park was the guy in the picture and subsequently is one of the ten richest men in the country.

If I had not been hit by that tree I am sure he would have come over and talked to me, we would definitely have hit it off and got to together and I would soon be the wife of one of the richest men in Scotland.

Therefore I am notifying you of legal action to follow, claiming compensation of the £150,000,000 I would have been entitled to when I divorced the man for having affairs with every woman with a pulse.

Yours sincerely

Mrs Angela Delight

To: Mr Jay Leno
Hollywood, California
(or somewhere out there)

Dear Mr Leno,

We at Friv And Olus Law Firm would like to notify you of our client’s intent to sue you for the past five years of programming. Whereas when Mr Johnny Carson was in charge of your product, my client was presented with at least seven guffaws and more than twenty chuckles per opening monologue, under your tenure as host of The Tonight Show, he has counted no more than five chuckles, two giggles and two rolls of the eyes per opening monologue.

Our client claims that there was no indication nor warning that the quality of monologue was going to decrease, nor was there an indication that the you, as the new host, would allow such a thing to happen. First there was a noted lack of guffaw power, and then even the giggles diminished over time.

Our client is suing you for (a) the waste of time he has spent vegetating in front of your television show when he could have been watching Letterman, (b) the lack of exercise you have given his diaphragm whilst still maintaining advertising as a humourous person, and (c) having a chin which violates wide-load laws in many states.

We hope that you will take this matter as seriously as we are.

Yours sincerely,

Brad Friv

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith,

This letter is to inform you I will be seeking damages due to mental distress, possible food poisoning, and unlawful imprisonment at your home.

The incident occurred when I was trying to leave your house after burglarizing it, and found myself locked in the garage for two weeks, since the outside garage door was locked, and I had inadvertently locked the house door behind me while removing your TV.

While trapped in your garage, which caused the unlawful imprisonment of me, I had to subsist on only water from your gardening faucet you use for washing your car, and a 50 lb bag of dog food, the brand of which I later found out was recalled for possible rat poison contamination.

Imagine my feelings on hearing THAT news!

So there I was, sitting in your garage for two solid weeks, in the dark since there were no windows and the light had burned out, eating contaminated dog food and drinking water from a garden hose. I could not even watch your stinking TV, there was no outlet in the garage. I can’t believe you people are so callous!

I will be seeking $200 thousand in actual damages, and $300 in punitive damages. I would be willing to take the house in trade. But remove your furniture. It is tacky. You can leave the mirror over the bed though. I kind of liked that.

Sincerely,

A. Terrence d**kson

Note: This was based on an urban legend (at snopes of course).

http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp

Mrs Belinda Madam
1 Nowhere Lane
Anyplace
Any town
Mr Gerard Bumkins
Old Junk Superstores
53 Rubbish Lane
Glasgow
Scotland

Dear Mr Bumkins

Claim for compensation

I am writing to make you aware of legal proceedings to follow as a result of staff negligence in your store.

On Wednesday the 13th of March 2007 I was in your store with my young son Damien. He was running wild, as children do, and I was concentrating on shopping. As I stepped backwards I fell over my son and fractured my wrist. There were three members of staff close by filling shelves, none of which were in control of my son. I don’t see why I should be responsible for him whilst I am in your store. Maybe if they had been more capable they might have stopped this horrible accident happening.

I have had to take 3 weeks off work to recover and have suffered severe loss of earnings as, although I am entitled to sick pay, I work mostly by commission.

I have been advised by my solicitor to request the sum of £150,000 to recompense me for my loss of earnings and the disruption to my routine.

I am a forgiving person and am willing to settle this out of court for the sum of £50,000. I would appreciate a response within 7 working days; otherwise I will proceed with legal action to claim compensation of £150,000.

Yours sincerely

Mrs Belinda Madam

Dearest Charles,

Much as it pains me to do this, I am suing you for the mental distress and sleepless nights your snoring has caused me. I wish there were some other way, but I have reached the end of my rope on this issue. My attorney recommended seeking $10 million in damages, I have decided that is a bit much, and am settling for $7 million plus our cabana in the Bahamas.

I shall miss you terribly, but it has come time to face facts: I have not had a decent night’s sleep in 30 years. Hopefully the money and the home far away will prove to be enough of a condolence for me.

Charles Jr, and Elizabeth, our children, have also retained attorneys, and this will likely to end up being a class action lawsuit. They also regret the need for this course of action, but their grades have been falling dramatically, and Elizabeth nearly fell off her horse asleep during the last equestrian event.

Oh, and Priscilla the upstairs maid, and Jives the butler are pursuing workman’s comp claims against you.

I hope you do not find this letter too distressing, We all still love you. Preferably from far away.

Sincerely,

Dame Margaret Perceval

cc: Lord Oliver Plushbottom Esq.

To The President of the United States of America:

This letter is to inform you of my intent to file a complaint within my legal district seeking compensatory and punitive damages. Please note this complaint may later be filed under class action status. You are hereby being sued for the following:

1. You have successfully made the entire world angry with people like me despite my having no influence or contact with you and your decisions.

2. Whenever I travel to a foreign country I am forced to exchange my currency for that of my destination; now, with the expectation that the value of my currency is severely diminished.

3. I am forced to spend a significant portion of my income on taxes to compensate for the wealthy not paying their fair share, also on fuel since you refuse to follow the lead of Brazil and reduce our dependence on foreign oil.

4. I have to learn American Civics all over since you have destroyed and devalued the document that is foundational to our democracy. For reference it is called The Constitution.

I seek the following:

1. Tax-free status for my family, me, and anybody within 5 degrees of separation from me, for LIFE.

2. A permanent stamp in my passport so others will know we are not in agreement.

3. A credit card in which the balance will be paid by you and your constituents whenever I make charges in any foreign country.

4. The plans for the electric car and sugar-based ethanol car so that I can spend my own money and develop these myself.

Any response you may have shall be directed to my legal representatives.

Dear Mrs Huffingdale,

On behalf of my client, one Indigo Rivers Esq., I would like to inform you of his intention to sue you for an incident that occurred on the 3rd April 2007, which has left my client in a significant amount of distress.

Whilst attending the annual ‘Polperro Church Fete’ in Polperro, he happened upon a used CD and musical paraphernalia stall. We have been informed by St. Dionysus Church that the stall, entitled ‘used CDs and musical paraphernalia stall all money goes to charity all kinds of music and we even have some of that hippy-hop and rap stuff buy today and get a free air guitar!’ was entirely your responsibility.

At this point I feel it suitable to tell you that you have broken Sales of Good Act by refusing to part with a free gift. After purchasing the CD ‘Gospel Music through the ages’ from your stall, Indigo Rivers Esq. proceeded to ask for his free gift, an air guitar. Your reply was ‘LOL’ and you then deemed it appropriate to point and laugh, and encouraged the surrounding crowd to join in.

Because of the incident my client was admitted to hospital after a failed suicide attempt. The embarrassment you caused him has scarred him for life both physically and mentally. Despite the fact that pointing and laughing is not illegal, failing to comply with advertised promotions lands you in serious trouble, and if you do not wish to face a court appearance I suggest you adhere to his request; that you write a sincere letter of apology. That is all he asks.

Yours Faithfully
Arthur Jameson

April 10, 2007

Dear Mr. Benedict

The snow that fell this Easter has completely ruined my garden. The snowdrops have been crushed and my crocuses have been snapped off. I am sure that the peas that I planted on Good Friday will never survive. I have been gardening for years and have never had this trouble before. I have no idea how I am going to find all those eggs.

As God’s representative on earth I am holding you directly responsible. You should be spending more time on taking care of the weather and less meddling in the world’s mundane affairs. People keep saying that the earth is getting warmer, and I wouldn’t mind it a few degrees warmer, but no more. But this Easter was a real disappointment.

Since you have God’s ear in these matters, you should be able make sure that the horrible weather we have had is not repeated. I would like the cost of my bulbs and seeds back and a little something for my effort. Since you work for God, you must be rich. I think one million dollars is a nice round number. Just send the check to me. God will tell you where I live.

If you don’t respond I will have to take further legal action. I know my lawyer doesn’t like you, so he won’t mind suing you and your boss.

Yours truly,

Ethel

p.s. You should really get some nice clothes. That white dress just doesn’t suit you.

4/11/2007

To: Patricia Buntion

Enclosed is a copy of the lawsuit that I filed against you on 4/11/2007
Pretrial Conference 4/18/2007
9:30 A.M
CR #77
Case number #OU812.

The lawsuit was filed due to a inadequate lifestyle on your part.

When one has younger siblings of such character, supportive parties are required to maintain lifestyles that enhance the reputation of the younger sibling. I have contacted Mom and Dad and although neither of them were able to be reached I am certain they agree with me.

Being youngest is hard enough. We are already forced to be in the same family and have no say on who is born before us. We do all we can to instruct elder sibs on how to be cool which is usually met with severe unresponsiveness and an unwillingness to learn. Therefore, this is your fault as I have taken great care in demonstrating a correct and honorable lifestyle.

This matter can be settled simply by your agreement to:

* Lose 50 lbs within a six month period after lawsuit is filed.

* Maintain monthly appointments at salon

* Meet with me on a weekly basis for 2 years to discuss the finer points of style.

* Invest >$2000.00 in new wardrobe which you will NOT be certified to choose until passing the exam at the end of the 2 year period.

Please understand I am implementing the options stated above out of my sincere love for you.

I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,
Lil Sis