Dear Sirs:

This Income Tax statement is not entirely correct as it is missing some income.

I was walking through Berkshire Park last summer (a bucolic setting, proving to me my tax dollars are hard at work for me), when I noticed something shiny on the ground. I picked it up, it was a penny, and I put it in my pocket.

Thus, my quandary. I have no idea how to report this penny. It is neither income, nor gambling winnings, nor a gift, nor interest, nor any other of the other very well thought out categories you thoughtfully offer we taxpayers to chose from.

Since I could not find the proper line on which to enter it, I decided to send the return as is, and amend it when you advise me how this penny should be recorded.

There is one other wrinkle I am afraid: I took the penny to a coin dealer, and it is a ‘wheat ear” penny, that is, it was made before 1960. It is a common date, but any such penny has a sale value of 1.2 cents.

So imagine my dilemma! I don’t know whether to enter just the penny, or the current value when found of 1.2 cents. I also don’t know if I need to enter the .002 on a different line from the .01. Would the .002 go under capital gains?

I look forward to your soonest reply, since I do believe in paying my full tax burden. I consider it a privilege to do so.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Perceval Downspout III

Dear Sir,

I am writing to inform you that over the past several years, I have lied to you. I have done my taxes with the W-2’s I received from my legitimate job. And although I have paid the taxes from that, I feel so guilty about not telling you that on the weekends, I worked as a bum. I begged for money on the street corner. I washed windows for the rich and snobby. I held a can for those walking by to drop change in.

Although I had written on my tax forms that I made $50,000, I have actually been living off of over $200,000 a year. I have been feeling so guilty about hoarding this money, that I have enclosed the amount that I think you should be given for my hard work.

I am so sorry for not reporting this earlier.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Robin Fromeu

P.S. I wasn’t sure if you took the new silver dollars, so I just enclosed a regular dollar bill.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for the diamond sheet on which this correspondence is laser inscribed, the manor was fresh out of gold plate stationary.

Secondly, included with my tax return is a blank check, good for the purchase of the island nation of your choice, up to and including Cuba. I hear they have fine cigars. Use it in good health.

I'd also like to apologize for the slight delay in getting my returns faxed to the main offices, as we had several comma keys break during the process of filling out the forms.

Has word from the President gotten back around yet about the gracious gift I donated to his family? It's not often that the average citizen may venture into space, yet even more a rare gem to be guaranteed a scintillating fight for their lives against space creatures. Just keep that one between us though, please. There are a vast number of things the small folk like Bill Gates and his ilk would not be able to understand.

I grow weary in my writing, and I must depart soon. So until next year, I wish you well. I must jaunt off now and take my jet pack to my private jetway and jet off to my launch pad to meet with the Others in our orbiting summer club house. We need to discuss a minor expansion I'm undertaking of my estate that may cause border tensions with Montana AND Ohio. Such trifling problems I must deal with.

Regards,
Maxwell P. Shenanigans VII

Dear Mr IRS,

Please find enclosed my tax return; as you can see I’ve been very thorough with it this year. However, I have emitted some things from it, but being an honest member of society I felt it necessary to let you know about some other ventures I’ve been having on the side.

First of all is my eBay account, everyone has one, no harm in that really. I’ve only been selling a few things I’ve had lying round the house for a while; such as some records, a couple of books, a signed picture of Sir Alan Sugar and my seventeen year old son. I made quite a tidy sum of money from most of these, but I didn’t get much for my son. Still, enough for a couple of pints down my local.

On most Saturday nights and the occasional Tuesday evening I DJ in the local bar, it’s a great night, you should check it out sometime. It’s very popular with the regulars and always attracts a large crowd. The landlord normally gives me about £200 for my services, which is a bit below the going rate to be honest with you. I don’t grumble though, it’s just a hobby really.

My brand new extension was funded by my poker games. I’m a dab hand at it, and did rather well this year. My friend runs a poker den on Friday nights and I quite often clean up there. On an average night I come away with £500, but sometimes as much as £1,000. It’s my way of socialising with my friends, and if I make a bit of money along the way then it’s a bonus, you know how it is.

I think you will find everything in order on my tax return. Please do not hesitate to contact me if there are any problems.

Yours sincerely,

Mr G Hunt

Dear Mr Taxman,

Please find enclosed my end of year financial statement.

I though it would be appropriate to include this letter of admission, as I am about to skip town. In fact, by the time you read this I will be long gone and you will not be able to track me.

First of all I have been claiming unemployment benefits for the past seven years due to a car accident I was in which left me paralysed from the waist down. Well, the truth is, I was never in a car accident. I learned that my neighbour, who by chance has the same name and date of birth as me, had been in a car accident. I produced his medical records as proof of my incapacity.

I have been receiving £250 per week in my bank account. I have also had my rent and council tax paid. I have received free prescriptions, glasses, dental treatment and legal aid. Basically what I am trying to say is that I have taken advantage of every offer of help I was entitled to, or not, as the case may be.

I do hope you understand that I only did it because it was easy. I mean why on earth would I go to work, when I can sit at home playing my computer and get everything paid for, and still have money left to go out and get drunk of a night?

I can’t tell you what a weight this is off of my mind.

Kind Regards

Yours Sincerely

Mrs J. Obless

Dear Mr. Taxman,

How are you, dear squire? Hope you enjoy my tax return. Under other sources of income I included the money I get from my velociraptors. I wasn't quite sure what they came under in the rest of the form, or whether they should fill in their own tax returns (Jeremy is probably earning more than the average lawyer nowadays).

The thing is old bean the pit I keep them in, the same pit that I dangle our “customers” over until they pay, isn't exactly huge, probably against health and safety regulations and all that toot. So I didn't want to register the velociraptors as employee's, next thing you know they're unionised and demanding coffee breaks. The last thing I want to give my raptors is coffee, I'll never get them to sleep.

Thanks for your help Taxman, anytime you feel like coming round and checking out my operation feel free. Hugs and kisses.

Yours Sincerely
Carlton T. Hunterstooth

Dear Mr. Tax Collector Person Sir,

I am sorry for the inconvenience this incident may have caused you and peers at the venerable IRS. You right in your assessment of my finances when you said I was living outside my claimed means. I received a full twenty-three million, nine hundred sixty-seven thousand, three hundred forty-two dollars and sixty-three cents over my original claim. All was money donated to the BATE (Blow Away The Earth) fund. Following is a list of contributors and amounts.

Slobodan Milosevic: 10,298,337

Robert Mugabe: $1,103,947 (Not bad for an impoverished country)

Fidel Castro: $1,004.63 (He tries)

Kim Jong Il: $749,586 (Didn’t know he had that much, did you?)

The remaining donations were made in small increments by many people and would constitute an incredibly long list.
Though, in my defense it was all spent on business expenses. Do you have any Idea how expensive plutonium is these days? It’s outrageous. And small things add up. The casing for just one suitcase nuke cost two-grand, and then you need a thousand of those. So though this income was unclaimed, (I really need a new accountant), I’m sure it is all deductible anyway. I hope this issue will be resolved quickly and with little ado.

Yours truly,
Psychotic Evil Genius Mastermind Living in His Mother’s Basement, Christian Bale