While in Washington, Starvation Imperils the Living Dead

“Braaains!” The mournful cry can be heard throughout the capital from dusk to dawn. But in this city, there is little to sate the vociferous desires of the zombie horde. Gory scenes of feasting undead mobs have been replaced by the almost heart wrenching sight of malnourished zombies desperately seeking sustenance.

Since the invasion two weeks ago, most businesses have closed. Owners and patrons have either fallen victim to the ravening hordes or escaped the city. Tourism has dropped precipitously here in Washington, but the business of government continues unabated.

The seeming invulnerability of politicians and bureaucrats to zombie depravations has yet to be conclusively explained, but there has been much public speculation. Congressional news releases assert that the undead understand the importance of keeping the federal government working.

Some scientists have a different theory. Romero George, professor of anthropology at Georgetown University, provided a brief tutorial on zombie behavior. “They operate purely on instinct. Their only motivation is their insatiable desire for brains. They do not think beyond how to feed that craving. Assuming that the undead are consciously deciding to spare any group of people is ludicrous. They will do anything to obtain and consume brain matter. Considering the implications, it is no wonder that our elected officials have failed to come to the obvious conclusion.”

But, regardless of the reasons, the dearth of available food is affecting the undead. Zombies have become more listless than usual; hundreds stand motionless in the streets, no longer able or willing to shuffle along in the vain pursuit of brains. Those that still shamble aimlessly have abandoned the traditional outstretched hands posture and now move with their arms hanging limply at their sides.

Experts are unsure how long this situation can continue. Most feel that the zombies will eventually collapse, much like Arsenal in last years European Cup championship. A few, including Dr. George, disagree. “How can something which is already dead die? Depletion of energy may cause them to cease movement, but I find it highly unlikely that anything short of physical destruction will render these creatures harmless. They may turn on each other, they may change food sources, or they may go into a hibernation state, waiting until the next meal comes to them.”

Nevertheless, life in Washington settles into its new, if surreal routine. Political aides rushing from office to office weave among the living dead in the street. Representatives and Senators debate and lecture while a bizarre audience watches from the gallery, occasionally letting out a plaintive cry for brains. The president sits in the Oval Office, happily signing bills into law while dozens of zombies infest the lawn just outside. The ultimate fate Washington’s newest residents remains unknown, but the wheels of governance continue to turn.

While Proper Grammar is Desired, “the” Loses Ground

When is the last time you saw word “the” in a newspaper headline? This is probably first time in a long time that you have. Although newspaper editors and copy-writers are notoriously strict on punctuation and grammar, slowly, over time, populace has become numb to fact that word “the” is now considered extraneous verbiage that isn’t proper anymore. It’s all done to save space for big headline.

But where would we be in history without word “the”? Would Elvis have still been THE king as just King? Would THE European Cup have been same great sport as just European Cup? Would Neo in Matrix have been THE one as just One? (“Neo, you are One”. “One what?”)

Catherine Great. Alexander Great. Attila Hun. Mack Knife. Garfield Cat.

Everyone is assuming that we as writers are given a tutorial on how to write headlines full of impact without word “the”. Truth is that it becomes ingrained in us over time, reading and studying great headlines of old: Truman Wins! Titanic Sinks!

Seeing red lines scratched through word “the” in every copy you submit develops an aversion to even using it and headline writers begin to drop it from our conversations in normal life. To this day I still can’t read “Cat in Hat” to my daughter way Dr. Suess intended.

Never has a word had such impact on our lives and yet been so disrespected and unused. It’s time to give this word credit it deserves.

So what would world be like without word “the”? I think REM sang it best… “It’s end of world as we know it, and I feel fine.”

ROME--Yesterday, a massive fire swept through Southeastern Rome, and Fire Inspectors say it may be a week or more before it is completely out. They are requesting that able-bodied people to volunteer to help and that others evacuate the city. But people are talking about something else entirely.

Numerous reports indicate that Emperor Nero was playing the fiddle while backlit by the blaze.

Yes, the Emperor used the flames to highlight his music and his poetry reading. Remmius, a witness to the event reported, “I couldn’t believe it. There we was, runnin’ outta our houses to make sure we wasn’t trapped by th’ fire, and there ‘e was, playin’ the dang fiddle. He was pretty good tho’, I gotta admit. Even offered t’ give one o’ them there tutorials to some kid standin’ there, but th’ kid got scared and ran off.”

Another witness named Marcus remarked, “We stared at him in amazement. Heck, there were as many of us as I saw at last year’s European Cup. I mean, it isn’t every day you get to see the Emperor, and the fire had driven us all into the street anyways. I listened for a while to him play that fiddle, but then he switched to poetry, so I left. I don’t care much for poetry, and besides, with the roar of the crowd and the screams coming from people trapped in the fire, I couldn’t hear it too well.”

A man, requesting anonymity, did not witness the fiddling, but claimed to have seen the Emperor earlier that day. According to him, “Nero was acting pretty suspicious. First off, what was he even doing in that part of town? And he had a big jug of oil, and we all know how flammable those things are. And he kept muttering something that I couldn’t hear. When he headed in my direction, I hid behind a column. I-um...ah...see, I had some business that I didn’t want to get interrupted. Anyway, he came toward me and I could finally hear him. He kept saying how he needed a really good backdrop for his performances. If you ask me, I think he set the fire, and on purpose too.”

We asked the Fire Chief about the possibility of arson and he said, “Now I don’t want anyone to go assuming anything at this point. Sure, it could have been arson. But it also could have been an accident. We don’t want to jump to conclusions.”

When pressed, he continued, “I’m getting tons of reports from people who are sure they know who did it. Practically everyone’s brother-in-law has been accused of being the shifty character who started the fire, every merchant people don’t like has been blamed, the finger’s been pointed at everyone from Emperor Nero himself to some religious sect you’ve never heard of. We don’t even know if it was arson yet, so give it a rest, huh?”

We will indeed give speculations a “rest.” But Nero, why were you fiddling while Rome burned?

Today, Mayor Quimby announced that the city’s special fund, informally known as the “Charity Fund,” has already been used to purchase a variety of antique and designer tableware, including for use at the Mayoral Mansion.

Two years ago, when the Springfield City Council proposed a 5% increase in property taxes, there was an uproar, and they were forced to reconsider. Eventually, an agreement was made to increase the taxes, but to allow taxpayers to designate up to 4% of their payment to go to a special fund “to be used for the betterment of those less fortunate.” This fund quickly became known as the “Charity Fund” just as the extra tax became known as the “Charity Tax.”

Many people directed their tax dollars to the “Charity Fund” and by the time this year’s tax receipts were collected last month, government officials noted that there was a substantial sum in the fund (although they declined to disclose how much exactly was in the fund). Speculation as to what the money will eventually be used for has been rampant, with opinion polls indicating that most want it to be used to help the growing number of homeless in our city. According to those same polls, many of those who directing their taxes to the fund were assuming that the money would go directly to soup kitchens to feed the hungry.

Clearly, that assumption was incorrect.

At the press conference, the mayor seemed surprised by the disapproval, saying things like, “These are solid gold plates, not just gold-plated plates”, “I AM going to use it for charitable purposes; now we can have charity banquets without being embarrassed over the state of our tableware”, and “I am one of the less fortunate. I am much less fortunate than Mayor Wilson over in Winterstream; now that guy gets some real perks.” Realizing he was losing the audience, he pulled out a jewel-encrusted wineglass and shouted, “Look! Look at this! It’s not just some European cup, it is a Bulgarian chalice!” When one reporter pointed out that Bulgaria was just a country in Europe and chalice was just a fancy word for cup, she was summarily removed.

One resident, a Mr. Burl E. Mann, spoke to this reporter and said, “Look, that money is supposed to be for people who are suffering, not some hoity-toity mayor’s forks. If the mayor don’t send it over to the Springfield Soup Kitchen soon, someone might just have to give him a tutorial on real suffering.” This last bit was said as he was punching his fist into his opposite palm.

But another resident disagreed with Mr. Mann. Miss Val E. Gurl, who lives in uptown Springfield, said, “I was like ‘as if’ when they asked me to give my taxes to poor people, ‘cause, like you can’t, like, just give them food one time so they’ll go away. They, like, get hungry every day. I’d much rather have, like, pretty plates and cool parties to go to than yucky homeless people.”

By Gary Jackson

Steroid use in sports is nothing new, but every so often it finds itself in the spotlight. Even though the use of illegal substances such as steroids, human growth hormones (HGH) and other chemicals is covered in the various sports' bylaws and regulations, with stiff penalties for those who get caught often enough, some players still risk punishment for the promise of increased performance on game day.

For some players it's a game of risk vs. reward, short-term performance gains versus long-term health problems. A few extra home runs today could translate to impotence later on in life; an extra 500 yards per season could lead to liver damage down the road. Assuming they don't die outright from an overdose, some side-effects might simply be an irritation.

Just ask MLB shortstop Zack Schumer.

Or, better yet, ask his teammate Charlie Tyler; Zack has rage issues, another side-effect of steroid use.

“Yeah, we all kinda knew Zack was using steroids, but he kept it pretty well under wraps. Then one day he was getting ready for game time when he sneezed. Every hair on his head blew off in a cloud. He was just sitting there, bald as a cue ball, with a little pile of hair around his feet.”

What may surprise some is where Zack found information on using steroids.

“You had to be careful back in the day.” Charlie told us. “Now, you can go online and find a ton of information, including where to find...anything, really.”

Zack Schumer ended up at roids-r-us.com and downloaded what essentially was a tutorial on steroid use, the very one that resulted in his follicle follies.

A New Market Opens Up

There is a product called The Whizzinator, a fake male appendage that can be strapped on and used to dispense clean urine...as long as the test administrator isn't too attentive.

However, former NFL kicker Cerny Hrusosky, who until last season played for his hometown Rhein Fire, has done that product one better.

According to a teammate who wished to remain anonymous...

“Cerny thought The Whizzinator was good, but he wanted a more complete package, so to speak. He came up with something that mimicked the frank and the beans, and it's worn like, uh, a glove, you know, so it's harder to detect. He never bothered naming the thing so, in honor of his heritage, we called it the European Cup. I think he got a kick outta that.”

For every Zack Schumer that gets caught, there are many others who slip by unnoticed...until, that is, the health problems kick in. Then they have to ask themselves...was it really worth it? When they're wheelchair-bound by their 40's, they have to ask themselves, “would I do this again, knowing what I do now?”

I think I know the answer. Athletes today know about the dark side of performance-enhancing drugs, yet they still take them.

Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?

Last weekend at the 2007 National Egg Race, things quickly went rotten when three trophies came up missing. “Nothing like this has ever happened before,” said Peter Schneiders, President of the American Egg Racing Association. Reagan Clark, AERA member since 1992 and competitor at the Nationals for the last seven years, had this to say: “I am convinced it was an outsider that stole the trophies. I just can’t imagine it could be one of our members. AERA members are a fun and friendly lot. [Stealing the trophies] just goes against everything we stand for.”

The AERA was founded in 1937 and has been steadily growing since its birth. Local and regional races are held all year long. Competitors race against each other and time records, while balancing a raw egg on an ordinary table spoon held in their mouths. The National Egg Race is a large annual event. Hundreds of AERA members compete to win the coveted title of National Egg Race Champion. Clark proudly holds that title for both 2003 and 2006. She had been hoping to capture it once again this year, but instead took second place, losing the championship to long-time AERA member Douglas J. Moore. Rather than be upset at her crushing loss, Clark laughingly congratulates Moore on his win. Third place winner Clara O’Dell shares Clark’s upbeat attitude. “We all want to win, but it’s still all just in fun. That’s why it doesn’t make sense for the trophies to be stolen by a member. The trophies are neat to have, but that’s not what this is all about.”

The trophies were discovered missing Saturday evening as the awards ceremony was about to commence. “They’d been on the same table all weekend,” Schneiders explains, “then they were just gone!” The trophies are a base of wood topped by an egg made from 14k gold, as has been the tradition since the first National Egg Race in 1946. The trophy for National Egg Race Champion is quite a beauty, standing nearly two feet tall with a golden egg roughly the size of a softball.

The members were all assuming the thief was an outsider, and police were called in immediately. The detectives questioned nearly everyone present. No one was allowed to leave the premises. Eventually, all three trophies were found in a car belonging to a fairly new member. In a shocking twist, the thief was none other than Francesco “Ciccio” Graziani - the former Italian rugby player. When the police confronted Graziani about the trophies in his car, Graziani broke down and admitted to the theft. Apparently, ever since his big loss in the 1984 European Cup when Bruce Grobbelaar of the Liverpool team caused him to miss the crucial penalty kick, Graziani has been desperately searching for a sport in which he could succeed. He joined AERA, took a tutorial on basic egg racing, and tried competing for the National Egg Race Championship. When he failed to win, Graziani snapped, and made off with the trophies. When asked why he didn’t flee the scene after he nabbed the golden eggs, Graziani shrugged and replied, “I didn’t want to arouse suspicion.”

Graziani was charged with grand theft and as it was his first offense, sentenced to one year in prison followed by six months of community service at a chicken farm.

While Bat Boy Captures Cup, the Antichrist Appears?

The Weekly World Globe
June 6, 2006
Manchester

Dozens were trampled to death when Bat Boy stunned the Go world by winning the European Cup with a shocking defeat of top ranked Krstic Dejan. The tragically malformed boy entered the competition with no prior experience at the international level, yet made a mockery of all comers.

The modest conference room at the Thistle Hotel was bursting at the seams with crowds of gawkers and paparazzi that descended on the competition earlier in the week as word of Bat Boy’s presence spread.

Breezing through his first four rounds, Bat Boy shocked onlookers by pronouncing that he would defeat Dejan using his trademark 666 configuration, and by doing so would summon the Antichrist. Thus forewarned, few believed Dejan would fall to the newcomer. One believer was Radek Nechanicky, last year’s Cup winner and Bat Boy’s victim in the opening round.

“I’ve never seen anyone with such balanced kiai,” proclaimed the Czech. “His mastery of life and death is astounding. Krstic is in for a nasty surprise. He’ll get a tutorial he’ll not soon forget.”

Dejan arrived for the match in his trademark argyle sweater and derisively refused Bat Boy’s outstretched hand. The battle began with Dejan playing white.

Ten minutes into the game it was clear Dejan was losing patience. He appealed to the referee to instruct Bat Boy to limit his spontaneous squeals and squeaks to a minimum. Thirty minutes in and three stones down, the veteran was visibly shaken. Bat Boy had already completed one of his sixes. Dejan’s third appeal to the referee to silence his opponent roused the crowd into wild chants of “Bat Boy, Bat Boy, Bat Boy.”

An hour into the contest the result was no longer in doubt. The only question buzzing through the crowd was whether Dejan could keep the upstart from completing his third figure six.

Bat Boy rose from his chair at the end of the match, triumphantly smashing his final stone onto the board and completing his “666.” Pandemonium swept through the crowd. The flash of cameras from the media was blinding. Bat Boy screeched in agony and people vainly covered their ears to escape the pain.

The press of the crowd trying to flee the scene overwhelmed the single exit. A column of thick, black smoke appeared in the back of the room, turning a mild panic into an outright riot. 27 people were killed in the ensuing rush.

Fire and police arrived and promptly quieted the crowd. Flames engulfing the drapes in the conference room were quickly doused.

The Weekly World Globe has obtained exclusive photographs from retired school teacher Edna Mae Throckmorton. Ms. Throckmorton told the WWG, “A great, evil face formed in that column of smoke. You can see it in my picture as clear as day. Assuming I was a goner for sure, I just stood there snapping pictures. I didn’t know what else to do!”

Pick up our latest issue at your local newsstand to see the shocking pictures and read more firsthand accounts of this unbelievable tale.

Five years ago, if my boss had called me into his office and told me that by the year 2007 that’s more men would be doing housework than women then I’d have moved to within touching distance of his face and laughed hysterically for several minutes until I was forcefully removed. However, if he had indeed done that, he’d have been correct.

A new study carried out by the University of Fornicationary Science has revealed that more men cook, clean and iron than women in Britain (excluding Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and the majority of England outside of Newcastle) today. In the year 2002 only 24% of all men admitted to doing any sort of domestic chores at all. This figure rose to 38% in 2005 and in 2007, this new study tells us that over 76% of the male population of Britain (excluding Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and the majority of England outside of Newcastle) claim to be doing more around the house than their wives.

These new househusbands are said to have been inspired by Freddy Mercury in the video for “I Want to Break Free”, where he is seen hovering wearing a skirt. The single, along with the video, was released in 1984, prompting suggestions that the reaction time of man is the slowest of any creature on the planet. It has also come to The Daily Snippet’s attention that there is a website where men can read a tutorial on how to replicate Freddy’s outfit using only recyclable products, and another where men can learn the dance steps.

All this hard work and displaying of inner-femininity may be enriching the lives of the majority of men in Britain (excluding Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and the majority of England outside of Newcastle) right now, but what do their wives think? We caught up with one former housewife, Catherine Rover, to gather her thoughts on the sudden increase in domestic gods.

“Well, in my opinion it’s just wonderful, assuming he does all the housework correctly and efficiently that is. Just last week my husband was sitting in our living room watching the European cup final, now he is busy separating the whites from the colours. I can only hope that this continues.”

However, The Daily Snippet can exclusively reveal that if this trend continues, the University of Fornicationary Science estimates that by 2011 women may only be required for the reproduction of the species. Now wouldn’t that be a turn up for the books.

Men, I leave you with one valuable peace of advice: remember to turn garments inside out to reduce abrasion so avoiding contamination by fibres from other garments during the washing cycle.

While Carrying Team into Finals the Goalie Goofed

It was an amazing run. The Hampton Hamsters looked like they could take it all behind the heroic efforts of their star goalie, Acton Casey.

What followed next was a tutorial on how not to win the European cup .

Acton, who had an astounding string of saves over the tournament was in prime form for the final match, between the Hamsters and the Barcelona Babcocks. The play was fierce, and the goalies on both sides were doing an incredible job of keeping the other team from scoring. In the closing minutes, the game had reached an exciting 0-0 tie when the Babcocks were awarded a penalty kick.

What happened next had the Hamster fans howling in the stands. The referee stood on the sidelines with the Babcock’s player who was destined to take the final shot of the game.

Assuming that time had been called, Acton bent over to tie a shoe lace. The Referee placed the ball at the player’s feet, and the quick shot that ensued leisurely sailed over Acton’s back.

The fans rioted, not that this was notably different from their usual exit from the stands, excepting that they tore out less seats in their haste.

There was an official inquiry, as usual, the resulting explanation was “Oh well”

And in the end, one solid fact remained:

The mighty Acton Casey had struck out.

(With apologies to my British friends whom I am happy to say are safely located on the OTHER side of the pond, and are not noted to be good swimmers)

WHILE WAR CONTINUES, CHILDREN EAT THE PAST AWAY

Today The Worthy Times can exclusively reveal that unlike previously announced the Second World War has not ended. Two shock discoveries, which came within hours of each other yesterday, have consequently rendered WWII as officially ‘still active’ by the EU and United Nations.
The first of the discoveries was made due to the annual inspection of the signed declaration of peace by a newly assigned inspector. Eager to impress her mentor during the tutorial, she thoroughly checked the document to find consistent errors, chiefly, that many members’ signatures had been forged, effectively making the peace treaty illegal.
The second discovery, made by three young Polish children, was the encampment in a forest of six elderly soldiers of varying nationalities – including that of British and German – who had been living yards away from each other and regularly engaging in battles, although admittedly they had been ‘a rather sorry affair in recent years’, and that they had ‘been in more frequent cease-fire in the past few decades.’
However, the soldiers, assuming the children to be mutually exclusive enemies threw tins of peaches and corned beef at them. The children escaped uninjured and told the authorities, but not before devouring every single tin, which has come as a blow to the world’s museums which often compete in a bidding war for such aged items. According to one source the children have been ‘severely scolded’ by their parents for destroying such a money making opportunity.
When asked about the ongoing saga, EU spokesman Harold Meneux declared that ‘the war is being talked about as we speak. Everyone would like a ceasefire and we hope to resolve the problem as soon as possible.’
On a more serious note, the European Cup’s press office today made an announcement stating that Wednesday’s final could not take place during such hostilities, adding that ‘some countries are probably illegally entered anyway now, which makes the whole thing one big kerfuffle.’