“Oh Lord! Why cockroaches?” The man plunked his elbows down on the crude table and dropped his weathered face into his hands.

An exasperated voice answered from everywhere and nowhere at once, “Noah, Noah, Noah. How many times do we have to go over this? Must it be a battle every time?”

“Lord, I gave in on the snakes. I gave in on the porcupines. I even gave in on the skunks, even though the best you could do was, ‘because I said so.’ I know I’m going to regret that one. And do you have any idea how far I had to send Shem to find a pair of dodo birds? What is the point of saving a bird that can’t even fly?”

“Well, I admit I’m having second thoughts about the dodo, but I assure you the others all have their place. If I let you leave the snakes behind just because of the apple incident, your ark will be overrun with rats and mice before you can say ‘Methuselah’ three times fast.”

“You leave my grandfather out of this! He already thinks I’m a raving nut with this ark thing, and at 869 years old last week, he’s seen a lot of odd folks, I can tell you.”

“Noah, you are not a nut. For that matter, I don’t make ‘nuts.’ If you were to stand back to back with your neighbor, would you see the same things as he?”

“No,” Noah sighed, recognizing another lesson in the offing.

“Exactly. And he doesn’t see what you do. His actions, his words, may not make sense to you, but only because you don’t share the same view. Does that make him a crazy person?”

Silence descended and stretched uncomfortably. A fly buzzed about Noah’s face and he swatted lazily at it.

“Well?” asked the voice, growing impatient.

“No.”

“No, what?”

Noah sighed again. “No Lord, it doesn’t make him crazy for acting in a way that I don’t understand because I don’t share his experiences. Happy?”

“Always, Noah.”

“But cockroaches, Lord? Did you kno - well, of course you know - but remember when Ham woke up with that cockroach in his ear? Screamed to high heaven while we held him down and dug it out. Still gives me the willies.”

“I’m sure the cockroaches are none too happy when you step on them, Noah, but I’m letting you on the ark, aren’t I?”

“You can’t compare me to a cockroach!” Noah shouted. “I’m a man! Made in your image! Destined to have dominion over all of the plants and animals!”

Noah’s wife poked her head out of the ark.

“Noah, is anything wrong? Why all the shouting?”

“It’s nothing dear. I just dropped the saw on my foot.”

She surveyed the situation: Noah sitting at the table with the saw ten cubits away.

“Oh, talking to God again, are we?” She rolled her eyes and turned away, muttering. “Of all the eligible men, I get the one who talks to God.”

The voice picked up the conversation as if nothing had happened. “That’s another one I’ve been rethinking: the whole dominion of man thing. Oh well, what’s done is done. Nevertheless, you will bring on two cockroaches. Don't worry about the male and female part; I’ll take care of that. The cockroach is one of My most perfect creations! Did you know it can live for an entire month without food? Go almost an hour without breathing? Simply exquisite creatures.”

“Yes Lord. Of course Lord. Ever your dutiful servant, Lord. Just tell me where to find them.”

“Check the straw in your mattress tonight, Noah. It’s full of them.”

Noah buried his head further into his hands and sighed a well-practiced sigh.

“Perfect,” said the voice. “The cockroaches are taken care of. Now we can move on to the termites.”

“TERMITES?!?”

Brittany Sloan's apartment was damn near immaculate, and with the work she put into it it had damn well better be. She spent hours every week scrubbing the floors, the sinks, the counters, the toilets-- anything she could take a Brillo pad to. The sound it made as it scratched against tile was like nails on a chalkboard to Brittany. It made her face tense up and the hairs on the back of her neck stand straight. It sent chills down her spine and made her grit her teeth. She hated the sound with a fiery intensity normally reserved for red giants. But she hated filth even more, and this is why cleaning was her only passion.

It was a shame, then, that such efforts were for her sake alone. Brittany had yet to entertain a single soul in her pristine palace, female or male. In fact, the only person who had even caught a glimpse of the oddity that was Brittany Sloan's living quarters was her landlord, who visited at her door once a month to collect the rent, and Brittany never let her through the front door. It was never a welcome visit, not because her landlord was particularly unpleasant or the rent was too high, but because she was far too interested in Brittany's life. She was a middle-aged Persian woman with a thick accent, a single mother of a teenage daughter and was what Brittany liked to refer to as a “stream of consciousness” speaker. This means she said everything that was on her mind the moment it hit her, no matter how awkward it may be.

“Why don't you have a boyfriend?” she asked Brittany during her most recent visit.

Brittany squirmed as she hurriedly fiddled with her checkbook.

“You are a very pretty girl, and still very young,” her landlord insisted. “You don't meet anyone in college?”

“I don't have the time, graduate school is very demanding.” She said flatly

“You have a very beautiful apartment,” her landlord amazed as she glanced through the door. “Your furniture is so beautiful. Why did you make it like it is?”

“I decorated my apartment like this because every room represents a different era from before I was born. The living room is supposed to be the 70's, my bedroom is the 60's, and so on.” Brittany tore off the check and practically threw it at her landlord. “Thank you, goodbye,” she said as she slammed the door.

Sadly, Brittany's landlord was the closest thing she had to a friend, and she didn't even know her first name. Brittany had been a private person her entire life, and when her parents died in a car accident two years ago she found herself cut off from the rest of the world entirely.

And such was the sad life of Brittany Sloan. But things came to a turn one night when she was cleaning her dishes her 50's decorated kitchen. A Felix the Cat clock showed it was ten past midnight. Brittany had school early the next morning, but she couldn't sleep. She could never sleep anymore, not when there was so much to get done. She had just taken her Brillo pad out and was prepared to start scrubbing, when suddenly the hairs on the back of her neck stood up for an unrelated reason.

She had spotted a cockroach. And it was just inches away from her hand.

She didn't scream. No, if nothing else, Brittany didn't scream at the hideous monstrosity that had invaded her house of clean, the hideous monstrosity that she spent hours a week working hard to avoid. But other symptoms occurred. Sweat, for instance. And her heart was racing like a hummingbird's. She was just getting dizzy when the uninvited creature moved towards her. Now she was hysterical.

She ran through the first open door she could find, which was her bathroom. She slammed the door and huddled in her bathtub. How could such a thing happen? And how many were there? Instantly her mind was enveloped by visions of millions of cockroaches coming through her drains, from her walls. Giant, germ-encrusted insects of Kafkaesque size. When suddenly, on the wall, Brittany saw the very reason she shouldn't be afraid. Her bathroom was supposed to be the 40's. On the wall was a picture of a mushroom cloud.

Brittany collected herself and slowly wandered back towards the kitchen. The cockroach was where she had left it, thank God. Brittany took a glass from the cupboard and placed it upside down over the insect.

With that done, she stared at the bug. Just looked at it. And finally she spoke. “They say you guys are the only creatures who will survive a nuclear war,” she said. “So I better take good care of you until that happens.”

It was a connection, finally. A connection with the lowest of lifeforms, but it's a start. Brittany kept it under the glass and fed it for seven days. After that, it died. Brittany didn't know why, but it didn't matter. She was ready to evolve.