H2HT4R6: Nim vs dvorafam - Mash-Up

H2HT4R6: Nim vs dvorafam - Mash-Up

Nim vs. dvorafam
Contest ended 4 years ago 8/22/2007 12:00:00 AM EDT

Contest Info

  • Cost: 10 credits
  • Jackpot: 10 credits

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First Place
# 1
By Nim (Score: 7.962)
8

“We are not eating the cat!” Jenna picked up the Siamese and held it close.

“Gimme a break,” Henry snarled. “You know I wasn’t serious.”

“I do not,” Jenna said. “In fact, if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that you have an innate ability to dig through a mountain of data to find the one tiny pebble that backs up your world view. And if that means harming my cat, you’re capable of it!”

“That line of reasoning doesn’t even make sense! Besides, I’d never lay a finger on our cat. You’re just being dramatic.”

“I’m being dramatic?” Jenna laughed bitterly and set the cat down. Sprinkles sauntered to the corner of the small room and began to groom himself, apparently oblivious to his supposed peril. “I’m being dramatic!” Jenna repeated. “That’s hilarious coming from you. You’ve successfully turned every tiny inconvenience we’ve faced here into a full-fledged tragedy!”

“Tiny inconvenience? Is that really what you think? We’re stranded here! For three months! With no food! But,” he shrugged and rolled his eyes. “It’s only a tiny inconvenience.”

“See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about! ‘Stranded here with no food,’” she mimicked sourly. “We have NRs enough to last a year, and plenty of water. Our O2 generators are in top form. Transport will be here in ninety days, but you want to make it out like we’re doomed. What is it with you?”

“Have you sampled these so-called Nutritional Rations?” He snatched up a pouch. “They taste like liquid chalk with the natural flavor of the chalk sucked out!” He slammed down the pouch and a little of the gluey liquid splattered onto the shiny black table. The goo immediately evaporated, leaving the table spotless.

“Look,” Jenna said, pointing. “Even the cleaners are still working. Seriously, Henry, this isn’t so bad!”

“It’s plenty bad.”

“Jeez! Why do you always have to look on the bleak side of everything? Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to listen to that?”

“I donno, Jenna,” he spit back. “Why do you have to be such a friggin’ Pollyanna? Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have someone rattling on about how great everything is when any moron can see what a disaster this is?”

Jenna strode across the room and picked up the NR pouch. “Do you think I like this tasteless goop any more than you do?” She threw it across the small room where it splattered against a porthole and fell to the floor. Sprinkles got up from his grooming session to see if he might beat the cleaners to their work.

“Do you think I like any of this?” Jenna yelled. Henry took a step back. He couldn’t remember a time in their twelve-year marriage that she’d yelled at him. “Do you think I savor the prospect of three more months of isolation with your endless pessimistic hyperbole? Maybe you think I like the recycled water? Or these ugly purple walls? Seriously, what sort of sick mind thinks that painting the walls of a laboratory purple is a good idea? Huh? Do you think I like any of it?” she made a sweeping gesture with her arm. “Well, I don’t! I hate it! I hate this stupid lab! I hate the tiny, useless portholes that make it impossible to see more than a sliver of the stars! I hate that I have no privacy outside the latrine! I hate the stale, smelly air we’ve breathed over and over again! I hate the failed transport system that left us here when I was all ready to go home! And most of all, I hate listening to you, a perfectly attractive grown man, complain about it all, every waking moment of our STUPID! HATEFUL! EXISTENCE! HERE!”

She turned and stormed off toward the latrine. Henry wiped the spittle from his face, too stunned to do anything else.

Ninety minutes later, Jenna returned composed. Her eyes widened as she took in the uncommon scene.

The lights were dimmed, and there was classical music playing over the wall speakers. The table was covered with a white cloth. Crudely made paper flowers were arranged in a flask from the lab. Two smaller flasks, each with its own glass straw, contained the evening’s neatly poured Nutritional Rations. Henry had even lit an old-fashioned alcohol burner. If she squinted in the lowered light, it looked almost like a candle. In the corner of the room, Sprinkles was happily lapping dinner from his own flask.

“Will this do?” Henry asked.

“Do for what?” Jenna croaked.

“For an apology,” Henry said kissing her cheek and leading her to the table. They both sat down. Henry reached across and took her hand. “I’m sorry, Honey. Really. I guess it just made me feel better to talk about what was bugging me. I didn’t realize I did it so much, and it certainly never occurred to me that I was making things tougher on you. Can you forgive me?”

Jenna smiled her adorably stunning, dimpled smile and Henry felt like the room lit up. She squeezed his hand and bent down for a sip of supper.

“Do you really find me perfectly attractive?” he asked.

“No,” she smirked, her eyes sparkling. “I just said that because I was mad.”

“Oh really?” he said. “You know, if getting you mad is what it takes to get a compliment around here, it’s not too late to roast the cat.” He snapped his fingers in the direction of the Siamese. “Here kitty, kitty,” he sang. Sprinkles ignored him.

Jenna kicked him in the shin with her bare foot. “What I meant, you dope,” she said, getting up and bringing her face close to his. “Was that I find you devastatingly attractive... despite your imperfections.”

“What do you say,” Henry said between kisses. “We make the best out of a bad situation.”

“I do love an optimist,” Jenna replied.

Word count: 992
 
2
By MammaBee (Score: 6.865)
6

Felix opened one eye lazily and blinked at the intruders fumbling with the catch on the window. Darn amateurs.
One of them fell through, slid and squeaked to a halt on the kitchen floor. His - or perhaps her - accomplice followed suit getting all six of its limbs in a muddle before somehow managing to right itself and help the other one up.

"Be careful, you idiot!"

"Hey why don't you just keep quiet, wise guy, this was your idea, and that landing you made in the backyard wasn't exactly neat"

"Well, it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't screamed in fright when we nearly hit the tree!"

"And whose fault was that, Mr. Sure-I-know-how-to-fly-this-thing? I swear you have the co-ordination of a pupa, and don't expect me to have to have to explain the scratch marks on Dad's new paint job!"

"Yeah, but navigation was your responsibility, how was I to know that thing would suddenly appear out of nowhere?"

"Ever thought about keeping your eyes open, poop for brains? One would think that out of seventeen you could at least keep one focused on the flight path…"

Then proceeded a fist fight, but with the noticeable absence of fists and rather a lot more tentacles, mandibles and claws.

Felix stretched, yawned and sat up on the edge of the refrigerator and peered down at the purple ensemble thrashing about on the floor.

"Excuse me, but if you don't mind, I'm trying to nap" he hissed, swishing his tail from side to side.

"What the...?" the creature fumbled in the creases of its exoskeleton and produced a laser baton and pointed it, shivering, at the cat.

"I think the line is 'Take me to your leader', and I wouldn't use that if I were you, the business end is pointing at your abdomen," Felix rolled his eyes and licked a paw, "I assume from your bewilderment that you haven't really done your homework on cats. We have nine lives, you know"

"Um…"

"Right, if you're looking for the humans, they left a couple of hours ago, and by the way, the door's unlocked, it would have been much easier to get in that way."

The creature lowered the weapon and looked at its partner who made a gesture that could only be described as a shrug. Felix jumped to the counter and ignoring the water bowl, drank from the sink. He wandered into the living room and settled himself in a patch of sun on the windowsill.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

"Add him to our collection?"

"Exactly! All those cows are becoming a bit difficult to hide. It's not nearly as valuable as a human, but will do nicely. We really should be getting out of here now."

Felix's whiskers twitched and he flicked an ear. He ignored the imposters as they made a feeble attempt at creeping up on him. Just when they were about to grab him, he uncurled his spiraled body to face them, his tail hanging down over the sill. There was a clutter as one of them tripped on the mat.

“Really fellers, if it’s your wish that I accompany you home, you need but ask. Shall we?” He sprung to the floor and tip-toed to the cat flap, his tail shot straight up in the air, all except the tip, which flipped from side to side like a question mark watching tennis. Thirty four eyes blinked in unison.

The trespassers scrambled after him and fought over who would try and squeeze through first. “Try the handle you morons, Good grief, for a highly evolved species, you’re not very bright” Felix sauntered over the lawn and shot a smug look at a bewildered pigeon perched on the fence. He climbed the ladder and settled down on the dash board as his ‘captors’ stumbled inside.

---------

The flight was fairly uneventful. Uneventful meaning that a couple of phone lines got tangled in the landing gear upon take off and they lost a wing mirror. Other than that, Felix managed to catch up on some much needed sleep.Several thousand light years away, he rose and twitched his whiskers again. The signal was coming loud and clear.

Ground crew, please prepare for landing. Over.

Everything’s in place Sir, do we need back up? Over.

Negative. This should be all over in a couple of minutes. Proceeding to hangar 7. Over…

Felix flipped the auto-land switch on the control panel.

“Hey! Whadda ya think you’re...” the pilot started before Felix cut him off.

“Fellers, consider yourselves busted!” he flashed the ID disc on his collar. “Special Agent Felix Katz, Department of Juvenile correction services. Your little escapades have come to a halt. You will proceed to give yourselves up to the law enforcement officers waiting on the ground and from there you’ll be escorted to the juvenile wing of the Xerox correctional institute. I do not recommend resisting... Do you understand?” They hung their heads and nodded. He escorted them down the ramp till they came face to face, (so to speak, the creatures had 'features' but calling it a face would be pushing it a bit) with a larger and somewhat deeper purple version of the two delinquents. One was sobbing and the other was eyeing the scratches down the side of the ship and looked ready to commense with slowly dismembering the culprits.

Felix swaggered over to the officer in charge. “I trust that payment has been arranged” he said.

“Oh yes Sir, exactly as you stipulated” came the reply and he - or perhaps she - motioned to a table set with caviar and cream.

“Pleasure doing business with you folk,” he purred, and left, licking his chops.

Word count: 952