It’s a bird. It’s a frog. It’s a... http://www.worth1000.com/view.asp?entry=153880&display=photoshop " target="_blank" rel="nofollow"> what the heck is it? Folks in the tiny town of Owl Pellet, Georgia would like to know the answer to that question. For weeks, reported sightings of the creatures were derided as the product of too much imagination or too much Budweiser. That all changed last week when Tommy Hills, local culinary expert, brought one back from a routine gigging expedition.

“I thought it was just a funny-looking frog at first. But when I saw that head I about fell over! Nobody knew what it was, not even Doc Wilson over at the veterinary clinic.” Hills has dubbed the creature the bird-frog. “It sounds like ‘bird-dog.’ I thought that was pretty clever.”

Not everyone in this once-quiet hamlet is amused. Billy “Gator” Evans displays the scars on his arms and legs as he recounts his harrowing tale. “I was out on the swamp in the johnboat. I was just fishing, though, not hunting gators or anything. Anyway, something came up under the boat and knocked me right out into the water. Before I could even stand up, they were all over me, like those Piranhas down in Mexico.”

Speculation on the bird-frog’s origin is the subject of heated debate in the barbershops and beauty parlors of Owl Pellet. Some claim it is just the next step in evolution. Others loudly disagree, asserting that the bird-frog is a demonic creature sent to punish the town for believing in “that evolution hogwash.”

One man has even turned it into a political issue. “Ever since Tucker got elected Mosquito Control Trustee, the spray trucks haven’t smelled quite the same. He’s tinkering with the formula, and it’s making the frogs change, like one of them mutations. If you vote for me next November, there won’t be anymore bird-frogs.”

The sudden appearance of the animal has some residents near panic. Ida Wells, president of the Owl Pellet Quilting Society, fears that the town is on the brink of a monumental disaster. “I don’t know who put them here, maybe the Red Chinese, but these beasts are not harmless woodland creatures. They’re multiplying and they’re starting to run in packs. Last week is was Billy Evans getting bitten, next week it might be someone’s child. Mark my words; this is going to be like that Albert Hitchcock movie, only this time it’ll be The Bird-Frogs.”

Some, though, are taking the changes in stride. Billy Evans doesn’t go quite so deep into the mangroves to fish, and Tommy Hills stays closer to the shallows on his nighttime gigging trips. But neither man complains much about the latest addition to the local fauna. Evans has a lucrative new business venture, selling bird-frog skin wallets on Ebay. And when asked what he thinks of the animals now, Hills says, “They cook up about like you’d expect a frog to, but they taste a little more like chicken.”

CLOACA KEYS, FLORIDA — In what biologists are calling "A thrilling, once-in-a-lifetime event" and local citizens are calling "Some sorta crime against the Good Lord's eternal plan," a new species of mammal was simultaneously discovered and eradicated today on a local beach.

"I was simply in awe," said Edward McDonald of the Alligator Park Wildlife Reserve, who snapped this photograph of the creature seconds before its death. "This miraculous organism, part-porcupine, part-bird ... it was indescribable. Almost as indescribable as the ensuing tragedy."

"It was obviously a radioactive mutant," said Rufus Greene, one of first area residents to arrive on the scene. "I reckon if I hadn't brained it with that hammer, it woulda bitten my head off."

Dr. Geoffrey Snow of Sarasota University dismissed such notions, describing the creature as a harmless insectivore. "Even its spiny quills posed no threat," Snow said. "They simply provided camouflage that helped the animal hide amid the underbrush. I just wish it had stayed hidden."

"This species may represent a missing link between birds and mammals," said zoologist Linda Stevens. "We noticed thoracic bones that appear to have evolved from vestigial wings. Frankly, I would have preferred to have seen the bones on an X-ray rather than dangling from a gore-splattered shovel."

"I'm glad we done killed that little bloodsucker before it could attack," said Taco Bell cashier Dwight Crandall. "Probably came down in one of them UFOs. Good thing I had that crowbar, 'cause it was just about to zap me with some brainwashing lasers and what-not."

"I believe fossil records will indicate that it was native to this area," said palentologist Linda Grossman, refuting outer-space claims. "It evolved over millennia and its existence until today was undetected by man, who ironically is now responsible for its non-existence."

Unemployed mechanic Bob Tanner also doubted theories of interstellar origins. "That accursed beast came straight from the fires of Hell," he said. "I don't need no fancy-pants diploma to recognize Beelzebub's fang-toothed spawn. I whacked it with a stick until it stopped twitching."

"I pray we'll find another specimen," said Alex Goldman of the Florida Zoo. "Perhaps a search of the area will reveal a thriving colony. It would be tragic if this magnificent organism, much like the dodo and passenger pigeon before it, became the latest victim of mankind’s brutality and ignorance."

In a statement to the community, Mayor Rayford Carter agreed that finding living specimens should be a priority. He pledged to "hunt down their hideous queen and kill her unholy larvae before they overrun the Earth."

Because credit for the animal's discovery has yet to be determined, the International Society of Taxonomy is reviewing two naming proposals for the species, which will be classified as either Hystrix Didactylus or "the acid-spitting carnivorous weasel-demon."

Chimaera 4

The animal kingdom is aghast at the recent antics of two hybrid koala-owls recently released from the Genetic Oddities lab in Kingston, Jamaica.

Ms. Hootie and Jub Jub were seen canoodling soon after, sparking rumors of genetic experimentations gone awry.

“It’s just not right, I tell you! It’s just not right!!” Casual observer Natalie Beauregard stated regarding the bizarre coupling. “I’ve never seen hornier animals in all my life!”

The perverse practices of the genetically mutated animals comes after months of controversy for Genetic Oddities, a commercial lab founded by American Joel Steedle upon winning the Powerball lottery, valued at over $10 billion.

“It’s always been a dream of mine to experiment on cute and cuddly animals.” Mr. Steedle told The Sunsation Times during a telephone interview last Saturday. “A bear-coyote? How awesome is that?! Next we’re working on an ocelot-marmot-dog hybrid. Hopefully it will be ready by Christmas,” Mr. Steedle exclaimed between thundering bong rips.

What do Steedle’s fellow statesman think of the matter? “This is an abomination in the eyes of the lord and it must be stopped!” Said Deacon Tyrrell Burress days after the revelation. “These animals can’t keep their paws off each other! They are rutting like…well, like animals.” When reached for comment, American president George W. Bush took time out of his busy schedule building model military vehicles and staging imaginary coups to state the following: “I told y’all this would happen…I said watch out fer them animal/human hybrids and ain’t we half way there? Can I get me some Kool-aid?”

The callous critters' fellow animals were just as shocked as their human counterparts. “I never liked them koalas anyway. Lazy and they think the world owes them something…” said Donegal Pickwick, curmudgeonly owl. “They’re fouling up the owl bloodline! Owls is stately creatures, dignified. What’s a koala ever done? Bite a zoo keepers hand off? Took a poop in their hut?” While not all are as virulent as Pickwick, many found the coupling disturbing, to say the least. “Well, it’s not natural, is it?” said Ramona Copperpot, penguin activist and part time voice-over actress. “I mean, to see them gallivanting all over the outback without a care in the world? Nature is not all fun and games. And why are they so...you know...horny?”

Why indeed. We attempted to pose this question to Mr. Steedle, but were unavailable to make contact after the initial interview. Repeated attempts at calling Mr. Steedle were unsuccessful, as the man answering his phone had an indecipherable Jamaican accent.

And what of Jub Jub and Ms. Hootie? As of press time, the pair were said to have broken it off and both were seen seeking the affections of other animals, namely a panda and miniature horse, respectively.

Froghopper Grove is your typical Pennsylvania country town. Cattails sway in the breeze beside a quaint swimming hole. A small white church overlooks a picturesque cemetery that would look right at home on a postcard. Just beyond the edge of town, green orchards and rolling fields seem to beckon with the promise of pumpkin picking and hayrides. And everywhere is the maddening croak-croak of the hideous man-eating frogs that give Froghopper Grove its unique name.

"You can hear them all the time, even at night," boasts Hal Coleman, owner of Coleman's Antiques on Main Street and co-chair of the town tourism board. "Sometimes you want to pour acid in your ears just to drown out the constant croaking. Hey, did you know that every year Froghopper Grove hosts its very own Apple Festival? You haven't lived until you've tasted Ma Coleman's award-winning mulled cider!"

Coleman isn't the only resident who's proud of Froghopper Grove. "There's a restaurant on Elm Street where they bake the bread in a little terracotta flowerpot!" says Trudy Brighton, a schoolteacher and mother of four. "Isn't that cute? It's a great place to take the kids. You don't want the kids outside after dark. We have an understanding, you see. We don't bother the web-toed pond dwellers, and they don't bother us, preferring to prey upon the occasional wayward traveler foolish enough to pass through Froghopper Grove after the sun goes down."

"Froghopper Grove's a great place to live and work, you betcha!" says Mayor Patrick McKee, who dresses as Santa at the town's annual Christmas tree lighting and who drinks himself into a stupor every night to cope with the knowledge that flesh-devouring amphibians might find their way into his home while he sleeps. "It's a safe community, too. Every so often you might find a burglar prowling about, but believe me, he doesn't last long."

There's a special kind of small-town magic hanging in the air — you can see it in the freckled faces of children like Teddy Williams, 12, who loves baseball and computer games. "Froghopper Grove is really swell!" he says. "In the winter we go sledding and have snowball fights. We used to go skating on Laramie's Pond, but last year Sam Henrickson fell through the ice and the tadpoles got him. They're like piranhas, only way meaner."

"Now is a great time to be planning a long weekend in the Grove," promises Coleman. "We've got it all — fishing, flea markets, boating, killer frogs, campgrounds, hiking — you name it! We're closer than you think, only two hours from New York City! There's so much to do and see! Did I mention the slimy carnivorous monster frogs that terrorize us constantly with their horrible fangs and incessant croaking? You can hear them all the time, even at night! Call the Froghopper Grove Tourism Office and Welcome Center today!"

When one of the stray cats disappeared from Arlene Hippenbotham's trailer park, she thought nothing of it. Nor was she concerned when the tiger-striped "Pitsy" reappeared looking bedraggled a few days later. "Cats disappear," Ms. Hippenbotham shrugged. "Pitsy warn't no different. An' they come back, most times, jus' like Pitsy did."

A few weeks later, Pitsy showed signs of pregnancy, and the residents of Green Skies Trailer Park figured they had solved the mystery. That is, until the cat gave birth to what Clay Bob Marshall, Jr. described as "the spawn of the Divil himself! An' twice as ugly."

The litter included two normal kittens, similar in appearance to their mother, and three hybrid creatures that have since been identified as "Rowline", the unholy union of a rabbit, an owl, and a cat. The Rowline quickly ate their normal brethren, and have since moved on to larger prey -- including Pitsy.

"Trailer park as a whole's down to 'bout seven," Ms. Hippenbotham explained. "That's down from maybe fifty, sixty last summer."

According to Dr. Eliot Splicer, an experimental veterinarian with the University of Central Louisiana and Alabama, the Rowline is rare simply because cats may eat small rabbits, and owls will happily eat both. "In fact, I've never seen any conceived in the wild, before now," Dr. Splicer said.

Jennielynn Cripps, the trailer park's resident homewrecker, has a simple explanation. "Pitsy, she was just like me," Ms. Cripps drawled. "She'd do it with anyone. Say, anyone ever tell you you got sexy eyes?"

Rebuffed by this reporter, Ms. Cripps added, "I miss that damn cat. She was the only one didn't judge me."

Thus far, the three Rowline have exhibited behavior typical of Dr. Splicer's hypotheses. "Reports from the trailer park residents and neighbors indicate that the Rowline are comfortable moving in either day or night, but prefer to be nocturnal. They are nervous and will jump -- often up to five feet into the air -- if startled. They will attack without provocation, but are often playful as well. However, with their talon-claws, it is not safe to play with them without wearing a full protective leather suit."

Local animal warden James Bob Lewis has been trying with no luck to capture and euthanize the Rowline. "The cat part's too damn smart," he groused. "Just my luck the things got their mama's smarts. If they got a rabbit brain, they'd be jumpin' right into the traps. Hell, I done caught a rabbit for dinner four times this week!"

Officer Lewis and Dr. Splicer agree that the Rowline should not be approached by unarmed civilians. However, Officer Lewis does find it appropriate to shoot on sight anything that "don't look quite right". Dr. Splicer would prefer to capture the creatures alive for further study in his lab. "I will give a year's supply of Dixie Beer to anyone who delivers a Rowline to my lab. A laser pointer may prove useful in this endeavor."

The Rowline

Carnisquirrel

Urban Terror Sweeping the Nation

Park goers beware, a new and horrifying menace stalks your every move. Recently dubbed the Carnisquirrel, these voracious pack hunters have already been the cause of several deaths, and their numbers are rapidly growing.

Although there are isolated reports going back several years, many people were all too willing to write them off as a hoax. This is not a hoax. Please heed these warnings, your life and safety depend on it.

Unfortunately, since they appear almost indistinguishable from a regular squirrel at a distance, many people have simply walked into packs unaware, or worse yet, attempted to feed them. Oh, they fed them all right, and the gruesome results are being reported on the news almost nightly.

Although originally spotted in Connecticut and still predominately in the Northeastern U.S., sightings have been reported from as far away as California and even Mexico.

The Carnisquirrel retains all the jumping and climbing abilities of the standard squirrel, along with the incredible jaw strength. But instead of cracking nuts, these creatures crack bones.

They are strictly carnivorous, stalking their prey from trees or on the ground. One particular and uniquely disturbing trait is their reported tendency to emit a hyena-like laugh during a kill.

Packs containing as many as sixty individuals have been reported by traumatized eyewitnesses. With their large jaws and many teeth, a group this size has been known to skeletonize a jogger in as little as fifteen minutes.
Keep your pets indoors during the daylight hours, when the risk of attack is the highest. Stay inside as much as possible yourself, and be sure to keep your windows and doors securely fastened. In your vehicle, keep all the windows rolled up tightly. If you must go outside, stay away from trees and dense shrubbery, and be alert for roving ground packs.

At this time, no defense strategies have been found effect in stopping an attack. Constant diligence is your best preventive weapon. Good luck to you all.

Horned Bear Frog by bpkelsey

On Friday, a love triangle nearly turned deadly for a CalTech professor. Police in Pasadena have arrested prominent research scientist Dr. Elizabeth Barada-Pratt on charges of attempted murder.

“I didn’t do anything illegal,” Barada-Pratt protested as she was led into the police station.

In court papers, the District Attorney contended that “Dr. Barada-Pratt coldly and without remorse committed an act of attempted murder by luring her husband, Professor Jonas Pratt, into the illegal use of a deadly reptile.”

In an exclusive interview with the Pasadena Prattler, Professor Pratt’s paramour revealed what happened on that fateful night.

“It was horrible,” according to Tiffany Tilley. Tilley, Pratt’s mistress, remembers every detail in shocking clarity.

“Pratty stopped by, you know, like he does every Tuesday night,” she revealed.

“But this time, instead of bringing his little blue pill, he brought…a lizard.” Tilley shuddered at the memory.

But the creature in question wasn’t a lizard; it was an extremely rare horned bear frog, a native of the most remote jungles of the Amazon. At a mere six inches long, the creature’s yellow-and-green skin and appealing red eyes project the appearance of a favorite cartoon animal. But Tilley soon learned otherwise.

“His wife, she told him that it was a research animal. She told Pratty that its slime was….what’s it called…you know, has the same stuff that Viagra has, only stronger. She said that soon everybody would be using it, it was that good.”

According to the DA’s office, this lie was tantamount to attempted murder.

“Dr. Barada-Pratt knew that the horned bear toad is not an aphrodisiac. In fact, the protective layer of slime covering its body is a powerful muscle relaxant that, when ingested, causes extreme muscle weakness and possible death,” according to the DA.

“He was so excited. He started to lick the lizard like it was a lollipop. He promised me a night to remember.”

It was a night Tiffany Tilley will never forget.

The powerful drug soon coursed through Pratt’s veins. When he realized that it was not having the desired affect, he became more aggressive in his ingestion method and attempted to swallow the horned bear toad.

“When Pratty opened his mouth that monster leaped at him.”

The “monster”, already annoyed by Pratt’s ministrations, launched itself at Pratt. Using the sticky pads of its four-toed feet, it scrambled up his chest and sunk its razor-sharp teeth into his tongue. Pratt, shocked by the attack, tried to detach the creature. Unfortunately, the large amount of slime he had consumed made his body non-responsive.

“He fell to the ground and just lay there and couldn’t move. He just looked at me. And that terrible lizard was hanging off his tongue, wiggling its toes.”

Pratt was rushed to the hospital where the horned bear toad had to be surgically removed.

For her part, Barada-Pratt maintains her innocence.

“If he’s stupid enough to lick a reptile, then he deserves what he gets,” was her response.

Champ's Photo

GROSS TETE, LA – In the small Louisiana town of Grosse Tete, about 19 miles west of Baton Rouge, junior high schooler Joshua Germaine has created a stir in scientific and some religious circles.

“We were woke up by some God awful caterwaulin’ the other morning,’” said Gabriella Fontinella, Joshua’s mother. “An’ it was a comin’ from Josh’s room, under the bed!”

When she looked under the bed, she found something she suspected, “weren’t nat’ral.” She called the Pastor of her local church right away.

“I don’t know what I expected to find when I went over there,” said Father Dan, Gabriella’s Pastor. “It sure wasn’t this, though,” he breathed as he held up the creature for the photo accompanying this article. It’s the only known photo of this creature. And this creature is the only one known of its kind. Father Dan suggested after his first acquaintance with Champlet (Joshua’s name for the creature) quite vocally that the creature was, “an abomination, and ought to be destroyed or, better yet, burned!”

According to Ms. Fontinella, it all began when Josh watched a special on the Discovery Channel about DNA. Joshua detailed the events leading up to that night in his journal.

According to that journal, Joshua went out into the nearby swamps and gathered 35 alligator eggs. He then gathered some blood from the corpse of his dog, Champ, who had recently passed away. Then he had the notion that perhaps some bat’s blood might be necessary, “…since vampires can come back from the dead…” and, “…heal themselves, too…”

When Joshua had gathered the eggs, along with the blood from both the dog and the bats (vampires?), he then asked a special favor of his father (who specifically threatened legal action if we revealed any information regarding his identity). His father works at a local nuclear power plant. He brought Joshua a sample of radioactive material. He insists that he thought it was for a school assignment given by Joshua’s science teacher.

Joshua injected equal amounts of bat blood, radioactive isotopes, and Champ blood into the alligator eggs. Although Joshua didn’t sit on the eggs, he did keep them at a constant 92 degrees Fahrenheit because, “Champ would want the pup to be a boy.”

Since the initial interview for this article, Champlet has grown at an astonishing rate. He’s now almost 3 feet in length and an astounding 59 pounds. He and Joshua are constant companions, and the boy seems to be excelling beyond his years at his schoolwork.

When asked what she thought about the future for her family’s new addition, Ms. Fontinella replied, “I s’pose it’ll jus’ stay on with us. I don’t know what else ta do. I haven’t heard nothin’ from Father Dan since that awful accident and the Church burnin’ down.”

Joshua also wanted me to know that Champlet reassured him everything would be all right. He’s going to help Josh with his experiments from now on.

,Bat Outa

WEEKLY NATIONAL NEWS

Exclusive Story!

A group of loggers got more than they bargained for when they started logging a section of sacred grounds in the Amazon Rainforest.

“The locals warned us,” Albert "Buzz" Clearfield, the supervisor stated. “They claimed that section of forest was an outpost of the underworld, and I can see no other explanation.”

The animal to which the locals were referring was a vampire bat of a kind never before seen by the civilized world.

“It was horrible,” said Buzz. “They swarmed out of nowhere that night, eating both men and animals, and some of the equipment. I have never seen anything like it.”

A team of scientists went down to investigate, but has not had much success.

“We cannot obtain a specimen, dead or alive,” Professor Phil Slackmeyer stated. “You cannot get close to them for an eyewitness account and survive. They eat through metal, and cannot be trapped, and we can find nothing that will poison them, they appear to be able to eat anything without ill effect or...,” he continued, taking a deep breath. “The natives are correct and they already are dead. Strange as it sounds, they may well be a creature from Hell.”

Netherworld or not, there exists only one picture of the creature, and it appears to be part bat, part dog, and part insect. The picture was taken by two loggers just before the main swarm descended. Miraculously the camera escaped destruction, and was retrieved by a rescue helicopter, which found no living survivors of the attack.

“The only people that got out, got out early.” Buzz confirmed. “If you were curious, and stuck around, well, you stuck around forever. The only warning is the sound of the swarm coming, which sounds like a cross between a bat squeak and a chainsaw.”

There have been a number of sightings of the beasts since the original attack, which may mean their range is spreading. Hopefully they are confined to the rainforest, but they may well be chasing their food supply at this point. The Weekly National News will add to this story as it develops.

Pripyat, Ukraine (AP) – As many Ukrainians mourn the passing of the 21st anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster, the former residents of Pripyat are now reminded not only of the grim consequences of man’s complete lack of control over nature but of something more commonplace and in this case, deadly. Forgetfulness.

Only hours after Reactor 4 suffered a tremendous explosion and subsequent meltdown, the entire population of both Chernobyl and Pripyat were evacuated in the midst of everyday life. People gathered heirlooms from dusty boxes, photographs that hung on the walls, and clung tightly to what possessions that they could carry away from the disaster area amidst a struggle for life and death. And while the human population was safely evacuated from the radioactive cloud that covered the area, the Pripyat Zoo, which was due to open the very next day, was left untouched, and it’s animals unprotected.

Over the last twenty-one years, scientists have done all they could to understand the gross mutations that have taken different animal-like shapes, and are now focusing a targeted eye on one such mutation that has caused the complete evacuation of all scientific and political personnel from the area until further notice. The cause for concern? A creature known as the Campugarooseal, or “Champ” for short. A composite hybrid composed from the DNA of a camel, kangaroo, the Pug variation of canine, and a seal, Champ is far from the gentle beast that his DNA spawns from. While the carnivorous habits of this monster are a mystery considering it’s sources, there’s no doubt to scientists that this creature is responsible for the maiming of three Chinese scientists in August, as well as the complete massacre of a Dutch gold mining consortium that had come to Pripyiat to pan for radioactive gold in 2003.

“Is yes! I say you! Is yes,” one scientist exclaimed when questioned of the creatures authenticity, vice its mythic, urban lore-like back story.

Vladimir Actoczechovic, a microbiologist from Moscow told us, “Is comes from wood. Attack many my men. It drag three at once into wood. All gone. Meh.”

Many American scientists who have operated exclusively in the area claimed the area to be a “creepy place to work,” but have never mentioned Champ or any other forms of Animobiological mutations. This amidst the disappearance of ten American students from the Stanford School of Animobilogical Studies Abroad who were last seen within the area that was to be the Pripyat Zoo.

One Stanford Professor explained, “Those students were problematic and highly unstable. My belief is that formed a commune by where they worshipped Radioticon, the God of radiation.”

Scientists warn all incoming traffic to the Exclusion Zone, including tourists, that Champ is believed to be an A-sexually reproductive organism, and is considered a volatile and real threat to the area due to it’s fast rate of reproduction and hunger for death. So tread lightly, thrill seekers, or you might find yourself staring into the snout of a killer without reason.

Champ!