In camp near Nashville, Tenn.
January 5, 1864

My darling wife,

I take up pencil once again to advise you I remain in good health and hope you are in similar condition. It is bitterly cold here and the new year has brought no sign that victory over the enemy is at hand. More men arrived a few days ago, a circumstance which I expected to raise morale but which has caused much consternation. Upon closer review of the troops it was apparent that one was not a stout Georgia man as the rest were but was in fact a great beast of some sort, which many of the others took initially for an beaver, but I believe is a type of muskrat. Though his appearance was alarming at first I must tell you that once clean and well-shaven the muskrat cut a fine figure in his uniform and demonstrated through word and fierceness that he is as committed to our cause and as natural an enemy of Billy Yank as any man jack of us. Unfortunately, though his heart is good, he is ill-suited to the soldier’s work. His marksmanship is quite poor. When put to work serving, he simply scooped up beans in his paws (which do seem made for the job,) and many refused to eat at the sight of it. The commander ordered him to bugle duty, but he prefers to gnaw at the bugle and roll around on the ground with it. He was of much help in putting up the tents, but the men clearly are unhappy with him. Should rations grow thin, I fear for the muskrat’s life. It is all most unusual, but the war has brought stranger sights than this, and is not over yet.

Your devoted husband,
Russell

Walking into the Circle K, I was immediately struck by the presence of an old man wearing an apron, Halloween fairy wings, and high heels. He was, for lack of a better word, prancing about the candy aisle. I decided to ignore him. Probably insane, the poor dear.

Going to the back of the store to get my milk, I kept half an eye on the old man. He was trying to engage the cashier in conversation about oranges, and the apparently distressing fact that he can't make a poem about them seeing as they staunchly refuse to rhyme with anything.

I got my 2%, and took it up to the front, all the while doing my best to avert my eyes from the spectacle as any self-respecting southern baptist housewife should do. I paid for my milk, and turned around to find myself face to face with the toothy old creature.

"Ma'am?" he addressed me. "Ma'am, do you like my shoes?"

Looking down, I noted with some surprise that he sported a simply divine pair of Jimmy Choos.

"Why, yes. In fact I do." I muttered, trying to surreptitiously sashay my way around him and his apron and escape back into my Suburban.

"Well then," he said, sidling back to block my escape attempts. "That's very kind of you!"

And with that he took off his shoes, put them into my bag, and flounced out of the place. I looked over at the cashier quizzically, and she answered me with a shrug.

So I left the store, quite bewildered, but one pair of Jimmy Choos richer.

Special report: The day of the marsupials

Story compiled by roving reporter: Del Drongo

Australia. Normally a quiet and laidback utopia, the harmony has been shattered by several vicious attacks on the unsuspecting antipodeans by the traditionally least dangerous fauna; the marsupials!

Authorities and wildlife officials have been put on high alert after two deaths and numerous savagings. Reports coming in from as far as Coonabellamadongerby to Wallangoolagundagai have confirmed the increase of marsupial and monotreme maulings.

Last week, 52 year old Bunglebunglewhackothediddleoh resident Bruce Nasaltwang was killed when a rogue bull Koala dropped onto his head from the top of a Eucalyptus tree and proceeded to savage him severely.

Two days later, Mrs Beryl Blowmanose of Humpydoo-dingledong, accidently walked into the territory of an Eastern Hairy Nosed Wombat with shocking consequences.

The crisis has spurred the Government into launching a nationwide media campaign. Unfortunately this has done little to allay local concerns as with each day, mobs of enraged Kangaroos encroach further into the fringes of suburbia, forcing school closures and compelling workers to stay at home.

Theories abound of the cause of this sudden outbreak of furry ferocity and senior CSIRO scientists have reportedly linked the behaviour to a viral mutation of Mad Cow Disease or B.S.E, which in the past has affected British livestock. The discovery of M.S.E or Wild Wallaby Disease has prompted the Department of Immigration to take the extraordinary step of banning English tourists from entering the country and in a move which has infuriated many; remaining British citizens are to be deported immediately until the source of infection has been ascertained.

A spokesperson for the Foreign Office has issued a statement to Buckingham Palace, apologising to Queen Elizabeth for her sudden expulsion during her Australian tour. The Palace was unavailable for comment.

This afternoon in downtown Chicago several buildings began waking up. Among the buildings rising from extended hibernation were the Sears Tower and the Shed Aquarium. At 2:00 p.m. innocent pedestrians began noticing slight trembling in the earth beneath their feet. It was then that several buildings along the magnificent Chicago skyline began to stand, breaking from their foundations. The witnesses noted that the buildings stood on their stubbly legs for a brief period, no longer than ten minutes. During this time pedestrians reported the buildings eyes opened slowly as the buildings surveyed their surroundings, stretched their arms and swayed gently back and forth, stretching after such a long sleep. The incidence was reported to end shortly after 2:10 p.m. when, as one witness noted:

“The buildings seemed to just mesh back where they had come from, their eyes closed and arms disappeared back into their structure and it was as if nothing had happened in the first place”.

The incident comes as a total surprise to the people of Chicago. As the weather begins to warm and the snow retreats, I am sure no one expected the buildings to begin waking as the leaves begin returning to the trees. Who’s to say what will happen next. One thing is certain your trusted team here at Eye Witness news will be the first to bring you the story.

Is this odd, or just flat weird? I'll let you decide. How convenient that this theme came up so I can relate this to you.

Four rings and the answering machine comes on. That's what happens when anyone tries to call me. At home by myself most days, I don't see the need to run for the phone to listen to a sales pitch or an irate bill collector. I'm not buying and I can't pay you yet. If it's someone I want to talk to, I'll pick up. Otherwise, leave a message. I get maybe six a day every day including weekends.

The morning of this past September19th, the calls started at 9:30. First one: no message. Second one, just a few minutes later: no message. I was on my way back down the hallway to the computer when the third call came. This time there was a message - a message that stopped me dead in my tracks. Just three words and they hung up. I didn't know what to do. Even if I had been close enough to pick up the phone before they hung up, I doubt that I would've done so. It was such a big shock, I just replayed the message over and over at least a dozen times.

When my wife came home that evening, I played it for her as she was coming into the kitchen. She knew immediately who it was. I called my brother in Dallas and played it for him several times. He knew who it was. The same for my daughter in New York City, and my sister in El Paso. We all agreed on the caller, but no one knew what the message meant.

The message - "never mind, honey," and the voice was my mother's, who died sixteen months ago.

Breaking news!

Reports are flowing in from across the country of an actual truth spoken by our political leader! Exact details are not yet confirmed but eye witness accounts claim that our leader has finally uttered words that were not only factual, but were not edited by a team of poetically gifted deviates.
Sweat poured from his head, his knuckles practically glowed white, and he curled up into the fetal position as he embellished, but as sources are emphatically stating, he made a statement consisting entirely of unedited and unrehearsed material.
Witnesses attest to the following transaction just hours ago:
“Sir, could you tell me what time it is”?
“Yes, it’s 4:30”
The time was in fact, 4:30!
When called upon for verification, officials do not deny that the truth has been told, but will not confirm it either. Special attention is being paid now to the watch involved, and terrorist involvement has not been eliminated as a possibility.

Dearest Sister:

Let me tell you about last Christmas. As you know, I work as an associate at a large chain computer store. Christmas is normally a hectic season, made more so when you have an item everybody wants, and so it was last year. The item was a N-Gamer machine, and it was in short supply, and of course we advertised them on the front page of the ad as a teaser. The problem was, each store was only given 30 of them.

We knew we were in trouble when we saw the ad. The shipment arrived, and associates started squirreling them away ‘for friends’. The store manager put a stop to that immediately. He recovered all 30 machines, and placed them all in a locked room.

The day of the ad dawned. We arrived in the parking lot at six to get the store ready to open at nine. We were greeted by around 600 cars, and a line curling around the store. We quietly entered the store through the back, and got to work.

The store manager tried to have tickets passed out to the first thirty people in line, but they were immediately mobbed, and local police were called in to assist them. The line continued to grow, and by seven, numbered around 1,200 people.

Nine finally arrived, and we opened the doors. The sacking of Rome had nothing on what happened next. Merchandise was tossed everywhere as 2,500 people rushed the two people working the game machine department. Both are undergoing psychiatric treatment for shell shock.

The national guard finally arrived, took control of the place, and confiscated the 30 boxes. The mob left 22 injured, three stabbed, and one shot. Meanwhile I am checking into safer professions... such as alligator wrestling.

Police answering the call of a possible dead body may have solved a string of burglaries that has been plaguing our town. A neighbor called in about a strange odor coming from the family’s house next door. The family, the Smiths, were on a two week vacation in the mountains.

Police arrived to find a VW Van with peace symbols painted on it in the driveway, a jimmied-open front door, and a burglar, one Mr. Sunshine Granola of no fixed address. Mr. Granola was sitting in the easy chair in the living room, with the TV turned to Pat Robertson, and was munching on a handful of sunflower seeds, the shells of which had been spit over the side of the chair. This matched the MO of a number of other unsolved burglaries.

The smell was emanating from Mr Granola, who claimed humans could identify each other from their smells, and therefore never bathed.

There was a sack containing all the valuables in the house, and Mr. Granola claimed he was “freeing the family of the burden of these material objects”.

At the time of his arrest, Mr. Granola was unclothed save for a well-worn pair of sandals, and a hat fashioned out of aluminum foil, which he claimed made him safe from mind control.

The police checked all the town’s facilities, and could not find one with an AWOL resident matching Mr. Granola’s description, so it is assumed he is a transient.

The police escorted him to the squad car, which he refused to enter, stating “my horoscope says this is a bad day to make a trip.” The police concurred on that as they stuffed him protesting into the back of the car.

Mr. Granola has been remanded to the State Psychological Facility.

THIS JUST IN!

Literally thousands of shampoo brands are being recalled due to unusual side affects. Apparently, it causes hair to turn abnormal colors.

Allen, from Morgantown, Indiana says: "My hair just turned blue! I've been using this shampoo for months, and everything was hunky-dory! I don't know what the problem is, but it better be fixed!"

And from Lucille, also from Indiana: "I've always used this shampoo brand, and never had problems. I just don't get it. My hair is bright orange, and it's not coming clean!"

Reports of green, orange, blue, purple, yellow, red, and other various colors have been filed in Indiana.

Stay tuned for more updates on this strange shampoo crisis.

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UPDATES!

Investigators find that it's not the shampoo! Could it be the water supply in Indiana?

Scientists believe that there is a strange new type of germ in the water, and when mixed with a certain chemical found in all shampoos, creates a chemical reaction, causing various colors to appear.

Scientist A. Berkling says: "The amount of said chemical in shampoo determines which color is dominant in the final outcome of the chemical reaction. We're doing further investigations on the water in Indiana, to figure out just what new breed of germ is out there. This could be a new scientific break-through."

So there you have it. It's not the shampoo! We will have more updates coming within the next few months, but until then, we suggest buying bottled water, to prevent this "color crisis" from going further.

It made me nauseous to see it - all those pathetic people running around, waving their arms in the air. They were actually surprised! I felt justified really, seeing them. Idiots. How many omens do they need? Messengers? I tried sending a burning bush again and the no hoper who saw it accused his brother of slipping him LSD. You didn’t get that in the old days. What more could I have done short of appearing in person and shouting it at them?…and even then they wouldn’t have believed it was me.

I blame the media. Why not, everyone else does.

“Start fresh,” that’s my motto. I’ve done it before and if they go down the same road I’ll do it again.

Frogs, locusts…forget it, clearly times have changed. Yes, the flood worked last time, and throwing a giant rock at the dinosaurs certainly made me feel better – all that marauding around eating each other – boorrriiingg! But this time, killing all their first born sons just felt petty. Besides, with all those surrogate, test tube, IVF kids out there I could kill someone’s first born son and they wouldn’t even know about it.
And do you have any idea who they thought I would save? No, seriously…any idea at all?

The Christians!

I know, I laughed too.

You think the dinosaurs were boring, can you imagine being stuck with an earth full of Christians?

No way, I decided to keep the Ukuleleans. Haven’t hear of them? Good. It means you’ll leave them alone to worship their ukuleles in peace. I love the sound of ukuleles in the morning.

And how did I wipe the others out? An internet virus. Clever, huh? I called it Exodus. You want me to come up with new names? I’d rather play the ukulele.