Deer Worth 1000:

This is to infirm you that if you do not change you’re voting guidelines to match the expectations of the Americans with Disabilities act, I well be forced to sue you under it’s provisions. Us, the grammatically inept, have been ridiculed for far to long over a disability we have no control over which.

I am particularly enraged at the notice I received that I had two many “homonyms” in my last entry. I don’t now what you where thinking, and I don’t go their.

And the list goes on and on. “Loose” is a perfectly good word, write? And yet I had an entry where I was told you can’t loose something. Well I sure did, I lost the contest!

Someone else commented that I should never end a sentence with a preposition. I have no idea what they were talking of!

Anyway, I am sure you understand my possession at this point. My grammar was good enough to get me through the tough GED testing, it should be enough to get me throw hear.

After all, I run a complete spill check before submission, and am happy to retort there are not a single spelling mistake!

Sew I expect an immediate rewrite of the voting guidelines to drop the grammar requirements, or you will be herring from my lawyers shortly.

All this grammar stuff just don't make no sense!

This is your fennel notice.

Dear Habitual Dweller of 216 Cherry Blossom Lane;

I, the complainant, do hereby serve notice of my intent to dispose of the uncastrated male cat whom you provide with sustenance and allow to co-inhabit your domicile unless you, the defendant, do allow the castration of said feline to take place. Since his forays out of he house have begun the feline in question has since found a way into the complainant's home and garden domain and infected the complainant's purebred Himalayan with scores of screaming orange offspring.

In case the seriousness of this problem has escaped the defendant's weak grasp, the complainant has made a list of consequences he would like to see enacted per legal routes:

RECOURSE:

1) The make feline's legs and testicles would both be removed to prevent further complications.

2) All offspring would be raised until twelve weeks of age, at which point they would be placed around the defendant's domicile to vocalize their displeasure at every moment of the evening.

3) Should the defendant acquire another un-neutered male feline the process should be repeated until the third transgression, at which point the process indicated in Recourse Section 1 should be applied to the defendant himself sans any sort of sedatives or tranquilizers.

In ending, the complainant wishes it to be known that reasonable alternative will be accepted in the form of reparations for sustenance, pain and suffering due to loss of sleep and the complainant's children's attachment to the infestation, pain and suffering for said Himalayan feline for exhaustion, loss of wages for said Himayalan's inability to attend cat shows and medical bills for the complainant himself regarding a series of scratches from being used as a jungle gym.

This firm sees these as reasonable and urges the defendant to consider. Our office may be contacted during normal business hours.

Petty and Associates At Law

Dear neighbour,

As you well know from my previous letters, I have given you fair warning in regards to the excessive noise levels emanating from your residence. If you do not comply with my wishes on this matter I shall be forced to file a formal letter of complaint and see that you and all your buddies are dealt with by the authorities. Yes, I bring your attention to the hordes of no good drunken hooligans that seem to frequent your house at all hours. It's one thing to have friends around on the odd occasion but to play host to wild raucous parties almost every night of the week? It's unheard of!

If the blare of mindless grunge music and boisterous screaming isn't bad enough, I've seen from my window that all manner of unwholesome activities are also taking place over there. Underage beer-chugging contests? Drag racing and burnouts in the streets? These are all very much jailable offences, so be warned. And did my eyes deceive me or did I catch sight of a group of giggling bare-breasted schoolgirls flaunting their wares to each and every guy that cheered them on? This kind of lewd conduct is outrageous and should be reported, as should the intoxicated buffoons who thought it a laugh to urinate on poor old Mrs. Tomkins' prized gerberas. Must our once respectable community sink to such vile depths of debauchery?

I'm hoping you'll agree that this ongoing barbaric behaviour is unacceptable, and unfair to your fellow neighbours who do nothing more than sit quietly at home, having to endure night after anxious night of alcohol-fuelled mayhem and depravity.
So, it's as I specified in my prior correspondence - I implore you - please, please, please invite me to your next party or the cops are on their way.

Kate,

I'm sorry not to tell you this in person but I just don't feel things are going to work out between us. Please don't get me wrong, you're a great girl with a wonderful personality and a heart of gold, and I've enjoyed every magical moment we've shared together over the past four years, but eventually something unexpected about a person reveals itself, something inexcusable.

I know I myself am not perfect, and have caused you no end of mental anguish and suffering over the years as a result of my unhealthy obsessions with gambling, alcohol and excessive flatulence, not to mention my past convictions as a compulsive public nudist. Who could forget the time you wheeled yourself out of hospital with both your legs in plaster and neck in a brace in order to bail me out of jail? (I apologise for vomiting on the stairs, I'd had a few too many that night.)

You were always there to dust me down and put me back on the straight and narrow, without hesitation or complaint, and for that I can't thank you enough. You're the only one who understood me - my true soul mate. I guess it's fortunate we hadn't decided on a date for our wedding yet, though I was so looking forward to our future life together as husband and wife. Still, proposing naked to you in the middle of your family reunion was a fond enough memory to cherish forever; it was certainly a heart-stopper! (Again, my condolences to your grandmother.)

All of this aside I honestly cannot forgive you for what you have done. How can we possibly go on? I've reminded you time and time again, but you simply do not listen. The forks go to the left side of the cutlery drawer, the spoons go to the right. Goodbye Kate.

Dear Edith;

It is NONE of your business. If you hadn’t been “PEEPING”, none of this would matter.

As usual, you’ve confused the facts. Further, I don’t appreciate your tone on my answering machine. Besides, they were chestnuts, not walnuts. Not that Chet had ANY part in this before your cat tripped him.

What motive could I have for shooting your cat with a slingshot? Honestly! And it was only twice. Besides, it wasn’t a slingshot.

If you sue me, I’ll sue you! After all, Chet may have serious injuries. It was YOUR cat (UN-licensed cat) that leaped on his head and nearly scratched his eyes out. Without that malicious act, Chet would not have misjudged his step on our stoop and slipped on the poop (which he couldn’t see with your cat latched onto his head). And if he hadn’t slipped on the poop when he stepped on the stoop while coming out in his bathrobe (coming out of the house, I mean)… then he wouldn’t have exposed himself to you.

Which brings me back to chestnuts. I was merely trying to dislodge one of the offending nuts (CHESTnuts, I mean) from the brassiere I had hung out on the drying line. When the brassiere snapped, it shot a whole chestnut (spiked shell and all) at your cat (who shouldn’t have been there anyway).

The cat shrieked in terror when struck and ran toward the house. That’s what brought Chet out (of the house, I mean).

Your cat saw me struggling to put on the brassiere (I had to stretch it quite a bit, if that’s any of your business). It became frightened (I can only assume it was in dread of another projectile). That’s where the aforementioned poop came from.

So… go mind your own business!

Sincerely,
Jenny

July 5, 2007

Ms. Eleanor Gray
108 Court Road – Flat 2B
London N5 2SU

Dear Ms. Gray

I have bought this flat in 1995 to spend my retirement years in a fine Victorian house that, among other advantages, offered a shared garden in the small courtyard. Sitting on the teak bench and watching the thriving foliage has been a gratifying recreation.

When you moved in a few years ago, I was glad to find that you added potted flowers to our pleasurable grounds.

During the past two months, however, the display of your withering flora has been a continuous aggravation.

Every time I stepped outdoors to smoke a pipe, the sight of this desolation brought a lump to my throat. I concurrently coughed quite a bit.

Furthermore, my cat indulges in nibbling the petals of the tuberous begonia. She finds them nutritious. Recently, she has been afflicted with involuntary spasms of her stomach directly upon coming up from the yard, the results of which I shall not mention. I enclose a plastic bag with a sample of the thing. On examination, you will find some fragments of begonia petals with those whitish gray spots that clear indicate the presence of mildew.

On dry, warm weather, madam, begonias must be watered!

I am a quiet, peace loving man. "But — as the Bard once wrote — when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger: stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood."

Time has come to imitate the tiger.

I shall wait ten days before consulting with my solicitors on the matter. In this period of time, I expect a £1500 postal order from you in compensation for serious personal inconvenience and veterinary care.

Yours sincerely,

P. Anderson

Major Philip Augustus Anderson (ret.)
108 Court Road – Flat 2A
London N5 2SU

Dear Sir

It has come to my attention that your wife has a large nose. Several large chunks of Edam cheese have since migrated from you wife's nose (left nostril) and made their intentions clear to my goldfish. My goldfish (Harold) has had several nightmares about the incident. Harold has contacted his lawyer about the disgraceful conduct and is fully prepared to go for an all out nuclear attack, courtesy of the US Army. May I suggest that you take the appropriate action in removing excess nosage from your wife's large snout area and clear as much cheese from the offending nasal passage before an impending holocaust is brought about.

May I also add that this is not the first time your wife's nose has incited severe provocation at the expense of my family. Last year, the one before this, your wife sneezed, and I feel she sneezed viciously and deliberately in my direction. This unprovoked action caused me to swerve my car up the driveway at a maximum speed of 12kmph. Luckily for me, I was asleep at the wheel at the time. Several garden gnomes, however, lost their lives that fateful day.

My wife has explained in a lengthy letter to my good self that if your wife does not have the minimum required rhinoplasty to reduce the intimidating honk, then she will leave me. I am not prepared for my wife to leave me, therefore, may I suggest you push your wife into the nearest plastic surgery clinic and have her lose half her weight by cutting off her nose.

I hope we can resolve this issue amicably.

Yours sincerely
Your Neighbour

Dear Susie,

I dream about you every day. You know Susie, how I long to see you, how I wish to caress your hand and gently hold you near. How excited I was to hear that you were planning to come in several months. I understand that there are arrangements to be made, and you can’t just pick yourself up and enter my house, but couldn’t you have organised this journey sooner. My heart bleeds for you; it is weak from longing. My house has been empty for too long; oh how I yearn for your presence, how I crave for you to fill this house with laughter and song, with happiness and mirth.

So now, that you have kindly informed me of your travelling plans, I should be thrilled, but instead I am filled with a numbing ache, a throbbing sensation that’s screaming out, ‘Susie, how could you do this? How could you do this to your dear mother who cherishes you too much for her heart to contend with? How could you mock me like this? Why do you make me wait ten long years to hear some sign of life from you?’ But still as ever, my love for you is greater than my hurt, and therefore I ask this one request for you. Take all the time, to make the journey to me, easy and pleasant. Don’t rush things. If the trip takes nine months, so be it, but don’t jeopardise things by hurrying yourself more than you able. And when we finally meet, at least you’ll be well enough to delight in my affection, to bask in my warmth. My love for you is limitless, but I know too my heart will expand each time we are together till my passion will fill a whole universe, a world of just you and me!

Have a safe trip,
Your mother to be

To whom it may concern:
After close observation throughout the years, I have finally decided it is time to take a stand against you. You will be charged with theft, murder, and abuse. Day in and day out I have witnessed you steal second base, take showers, beat your eggs, shoot basketballs, and encourage blackjack dealers to hit you, following up with a lawsuit. Well my friend. It is my turn. Do not even bother to call a lawyer. The evidence is everywhere. Good day, and expect to see the D.A. sometime within the next few days.

Dear pet chicken,

I wish it would not have come to this point, but I have no other choice. I have been sick and tired of your endless pecking around and feet shuffling that I am in the process of writing a letter to the counsel about you. What they do to you will be their choice. You either change your ways now or I will send the letter. On another note, I am also sick and tired of you escaping the chicken pen and destroying my plants. I will not tolerate that any longer. I would like to see if you would like me to dig up your plants up just because there could be worms and other bugs under in, and then eat the actual plant. It is a disgrace! With all the food I feed you, but it is not enough, is it? You really thought you could get away with it and I would not notice, but I have my eyes on you. And if you continue, the counsel will have their eyes on you too. If I was them I would probably give you the death sentence! Let this be a warning!

-- Your angry owner