Well, Aries, looks like love is in the air, and in the park, on the bus, and definitely on the other side of the paper thin walls of your apartment. Everybody has it but you. Don't look for that situation to improve much. Everyone you meet is either involved, married, or fresh out of a bad relationship and not looking for another. That self-imposed 6 month celibacy period after your last break-up will stretch out for more than a year, so renewing your subscription to your favorite magazine might be a good idea. You'll have plenty of time to read.
A bit of good news is on the horizon, however. You're due for a promotion at work. The step up means salary and commission. Too bad that your accounts are all dead and your paycheck still won't add up to your former hourly rate, but the title will look great on your new business cards and the resume that you will need to prepare for the downsizing that's just around the corner.
Expect a call from an old friend near the 21st of the month. Your long lost high school friend is now an IRS agent, so get your books in order.
Forecast for the month: Be on the lookout for black cats, avoid mirrors, and spend a few hours every day on your knees in the clover patch. You're going to need all the good luck you can get.

As the earth’s orbit approaches its final measure for the year, look for little to change under the sign of Capricorn. The past eleven months have had their low moments, but get ready, because the twelfth one is going to be one dismal month. Expect professional prospects to dwindle. You’ll be lucky to have a job come next year. Your finances are an absolute mess, and that’s not going to change any time soon. Any friends who have not already abandoned you will be long gone before you get the invitations made for the holiday cocktail party. Don’t even bother. Forget about romantic encounters. With a face like that, if you want true love your only chance is to look in a cardboard box in the alley. A really dark alley. In short, you will once again find yourself flailing about in a pit of desperate loneliness and despair. There’s always next year, but don’t get your hopes up. Your lucky number for December is 4. Not really, but I wanted to give you something to brighten up your pathetic life. One more thing: whatever you do, don’t answer the phone. There’s no point to it.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 22) Such a shame about that five day waiting period on purchasing handguns. Let's face it, the world would be a much happier place if you could end it all as quickly as humanly possible. I don't need to explain, you completely understand my meaning. It sucks to be you.
If November 20th is your birthday- So you've woken up and gotten out of bed? There was your first mistake. Things started going downhill after you washed your hands and left the employee restroom. Your boss indeed noticed that embarrassing wet spot on your pants, so you can kiss all hopes of that promotion goodbye. Don't bother going home, though, unless you want to witness your spouse performing vile acts with someone half your age. It's nothing quite as raunchy as, say, the photos of your daughter that will mysteriously appear in your email inbox shortly after lunch, however it's pretty disgusting nonetheless. Oh, I almost forgot: Do you remember that lump you found in the shower this morning? It's exactly what you think it is and it's spreading faster than you can possibly imagine. There will be no cake.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Scorpios believe in things they can touch, things they can see for themselves. They are level headed and skeptical of anything resembling "fate" or "guidance from an alternate realm."

So screw you, Scorpio! I make my money writing for Sagittarians, not for jerks like you. I don't just write a column, you know. I put out twelve books a year, one for each sign, and it's a lot of work. And which one sells the least? Go on, guess! Right. Your book sells the least.

I don't know why I even bother writing this crap for you. It's not like you're going to read it. Maybe someone less lawwwwwgical will take a look, though, hoping to learn whether or not you're compatible with them. So, for you non-Scorpios, take my advice. Scorpios may be all fiery and sensual and intense and stuff, but they're cynical ßastards who won't give your inner emotional self the time of day. "Think it out," they say, or "Just put it behind you and move on." Trust me, that logic crap gets irritating real fast. So have a fling with your Scorpio friend (the sex can be great!), but don't get involved. Scorpios suck.

It’s the start of another month and you are still a Pisces. How sad for you. December will be another four weeks of waking up alone at 2 o’clock every afternoon, putting on your cleanest dirty clothes, eating the dried crusts that you have been saving to make turkey stuffing, and shuffling off to the bus in time to get to your telemarketing job. Today, you will be trying to sell extended warranties for vacuum cleaners that have been off the market for over twelve years. But you’re in luck today, Pisces! A power failure means you get to go home 20 minutes early! You will be walking, of course, because the bus trolleys need electricity. Still, you’ll get home in plenty of time to clean the thawed ice cream out of your freezer, and scoop all the dead tropical fish from the too-cold water in your aquarium. And here’s another bonus, Pisces. All that time away from home means less time facing that backed-up toilet that getting just a wee bit ripe. Who says Pisces are dull? Today is your day, so live it to the fullest!

Since most “ Earth Sign ” types correctly believe Astrology to be a bunch of bunk, I sincerely hope that there aren’t too many losers actually reading this crap! For those of you that are, get a frigging life! Bulls are supposed to be practical and pragmatic, so where does that leave you? I’ll tell you where …home by yourself on Saturday night, looking for answers on the comic strip page of a newspaper! You’re probably half in the bag too, since most Taureans are certified drunks. Oh sure, you got a good job, a nice car, and a cool apartment, but nobody likes you, or your self-indulgent possessions!

I know the real reason you’re reading this… because your love life sucks, and poor little Toro can’t figure out why. First of all, all that jazz about Venus, and sexual prowess, is the biggest hoax of the astrological world. Truth is, your ability to please anyone other than yourself is at best, pathetic. Add in some jealousy and stubbornness, and it isn’t exactly a recipe for romance. Listen, it’s simple: Drop the “Porn Star” attitude, the Hilfiger wardrobe, your temper tantrums, and 20 pounds. Simple, huh? This ain’t rocket science!

December's winter chill won't dampen your spirits. Plan get-togethers with new friends in the early weeks, since the last half of the month will be spent dealing with family matters. You're the dreamer...yeah, dreamer. I dated an Aries once. Definitely a dreamer. Always has his head in the clouds. Never thought about me, never thought about MY needs. I mean, sure, he's an air sign, I'm a fire sign, technically, even though I'm mutable, we should have gotten along like gang-busters. But noooooooo! No, he'd rather sit around with his buddies drinking beer and watching Nascar. And then he'd turn all brooding, "no one understands me, no one likes me." Freaking Aries, man. When I think back on all the time I wasted, WASTED. What I wouldn't have given for a nice tall Taurus.

Yeah. End of the year brings changes in finances, blah blah blah. Whatever.

Freaking Aries. HA!

Aquarius: Who are you trying to fool? You’re not going to move out of your mother’s basement any time soon. And you’ll never use the new gym membership you just bought. If you do, you’ll spend five minutes on the treadmill and then go drive to McDonald’s. Go ahead and super-size it, it’s not like you have anyone to impress anyway. Women will continue to avoid you until you start bathing and throw out the Green Lantern T-Shirt you bought five years ago when you were only a XXL. And please stop buying those lottery tickets. Even if you play the numbers in The Weekly World News, you’re not going to win. The stars suggest that today you should take control of your own life and quit reading bogus horoscopes.

Sagittarius: (November 22-December 21)
Happy birthday to the sign of the archer! “The archer”; like a bow and arrow isn’t far too dangerous for your hands!

Your life will be busy, juggling Thanksgiving, the yuletide holidays, your birthday and the cold weather. The phrase “day off” will leave your vocabulary for several weeks. However, you’ll have many new (unrepeatable) synonyms for “hangover” to fill the gap, as your friends and co-workers take every possible chance to celebrate.

At least they seem to care. Not like some of your relatives who look at you having a birthday so near two major holidays as an opportunity to get you one “combinational” present and/or card. You debate on sending them back a card saying “Well, then, I guess YOU got your X-mas present in May”. But you decide to be the bigger person about it.

Speaking of “bigger”, you’ll again put on some weight from the festivities. Take my advice and don’t bother to think it’ll disappear, while ignoring where last year’s splurging is still stored. Instead of empty promises, go for empty calories, and don’t sweat losing it. You sweat enough as it is, just ask anyone.

Aquarius
Let’s see. You’ll flounder around in bed dreaming of something that will never happen. Yeah, that’s it. Then you’ll finally get out of bed in time to watch Sponge Bob while you eat your Froot Loops. Then you’ll burn another couple of hours "Lookin’ for work", in the classifieds. Then a loser friend will call. Oh yeah, He doesn’t have the money that he owes you. You’ll hang out and do nothing but b***h, b***h, b***h. Let’s see, what’s next…
Oh, oh, oh… Yeah, I got it. You’ll see a commercial on TV and wish that it was YOU who got injured in a car accident and collected $150,000 from the insurance company, instead of that creep on TV. Yeah, that’s going to happen. You don’t even OWN a car.
Ok, what’s next? Oh yeah, a late lunch, like FOUR O’ CLOCK, right before that Simpsons come on. Here’s a deal. I’m tired. You want to know the rest of your day? Try reading the TV Guide. Just add snacks and bathroom breaks and that about covers your day.