What's your sign? What can the stars tell you of your future? Is there love on the horizon? Ahh, who cares. What you need is a horoscope that tells it like it is, that gives you the world, not in purple-poofy prose, but in a solid, no nonsense, watch-out-for-that-bus-mate statement.

Aquarius: Well, dude, December's gonna be a weird one for ya, mark my words. Look out for slippage on stairs, particularly in the early weeks. Keep your damn sneaker laces tied. Strange animals have a way of seeking you out, don't listen to them. They don't have a message, they just want some food. Looks like you'll be traveling a lot during the end of the month. Don't be surprised if you get pulled out of line for an "extra special" search at the airport - to and fro. You have an appointment with destiny on your travels, a meeting of sorts. Don't be surprised if it results in serious injury, or worse, litigation. No one will like your Christmas presents. Stick to cash.

The rules of the game are thus:Create your own cynical horoscope for any particular astrological sign. One horoscope per entry please. A 200 word limit will be strictly enforced. Keep in mind that profanity is not acceptable. As always, quality is a must, we will remove poor entries no matter how much we like you. You will have 7 days for this contest so make your submissions count. Thanks to CourtneyCox-Zucker for this awesome contest idea!