Since its successful touchdown on the red planet 5 days ago, the Phoenix Mars Lander is reported to have commenced the much anticipated process of digging beneath the frigid surface of dust and ice. Early reports suggest what NASA scientists have believed for many years, and the most recent excavation results confirm this. Via a moveable scoop affixed to the Phoenix's articulated robotic arm, samples were taken to a depth of half a metre and delivered to the onboard instruments for detailed chemical and geological analysis. Among the list of expected findings were: glucose syrup, milk solids, vegetable fat, cocoa powder, barley malt extract, egg white and soy lecithin emulsifier; also detected were slight traces of nuts, though these have been deemed negligible.

"Penetrating the gooey caramel layer was the most challenging task, but once we reached the soft, creamy nougat center there was no doubt of our landmark discovery here today," said Barry Goldstein, Phoenix project manager at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. International applause soon followed, with representatives from confectionery companies worldwide scrambling to claim ownership.
"We will be holding talks with 'Mars Snackfoods' in due course to discuss future marketing stratagems, with view to aiding such charitable organisations as Oxfam and World Vision."

Meanwhile, candy bar enthusiasts will have to wait for up to 11 months before the first samples return to Earth for taste testing. "We're predicting a most exquisite flavour, as Mars' polar ice caps will have kept the ingredients chilled and well preserved," states the team's chief food scientist and connoisseur of intergalactic delicacies.

The mystery remains, however, as to the whereabouts of the planet's outer coating of thick milk chocolate. Some say the heat of the sun is to blame, though it is rumoured that extra-terrestrial beings may have licked it off. NASA disregards such absurdity.

MARS was once covered in verdant grasslands and lush forests, scientists have revealed.

Experts at NASA say the red planet was rich in plant life around 250 million years ago, and could even have given birth to higher forms of life.

But our neighbour in the solar system has been dead since the time dinosaurs ruled the earth, ruling out the possibility of it harbouring little green men today.

The amazing discovery was made by the Pheonix Lander probe, which touched down on the Martian surface earlier this month.

Tests of the soil have uncovered fossilised seeds and ancient roots which prove unequivocally that the planet once supported life.

The Lander also detected greater than expected levels of background radiation, suggesting that the Martian surface may have been blasted with cosmic rays at some time in the past.

Last night, Matthew Robson, mission manager at Nasa’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, said: ‘We went up there with a mission to find water, but instead we have found life – or what remains of it.

‘From the samples the Lander has obtained so far, we can say that at the polar region at least there was vegetation to a pretty high degree.

‘We don’t know whether higher forms of life ever arose. Unless we luck out and find fossil remains of an animal, that will have to be the focus of our next mission.

‘But rest assured, we’re already planning that one in the light of this discovery.’

He added that his team could only speculate on what had caused Mars to become a dead world, and stressed that surprise levels of radiation registered by the Lander would not rule out sending men to Mars at some point in the future.

Mr Robson said: ‘To put it in perspective, it’s the type of radiation we would expect to find on earth at a site like Hiroshima or Chernobyl - but only after a few million years had gone past.’

“Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin, I must tell you that there will be absolutely no questions taken following this announcement. Thank you for your cooperation.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Director of NASA, Mr Jerry Kunzman.”

“Yesterday, on planet Mars, the Phoenix Mars Lander made the most unprecedented discovery in the history of the space program. The picture I’m about to show you is approximately 24 hours old and was taken by the Lander's robotic arm during its third position dig at the landing site near the Northern ice cap. The previous two digging positions were successfully completed and were uneventful. Fifty-five pictures were taken at each position and returned to Earth for processing. Every system on the Lander is performing within operational parameters. However, the third area of digging produced this unexpected and confounding result. This is the seventh picture taken at that digging area, and these objects were very definitely buried beneath the surface.”

“Frankly, ladies and gentlemen, myself and everyone at NASA are at a complete loss for words to explain what was unearthed, and what you are about to see. There is absolutely no hypothesis for this situation forthcoming from anyone. NASA has already been in contact with all countries having a space program capable of reaching Mars, and they are as astonished as we are to see this and just as incredulous.”

“May we have the picture, please.”

The lights dim and the screen behind the Director lights up, showing the Lander arm extended with the scoop full of the familiar red dirt and bits of gravel of the Mars surface. Lying on top of that dirt, looking brand new and untarnished is a Star Fleet Communicator Badge and what appears to be a torn strip of red fabric.

Red-faced scientists at NASA released video of the Phoenix Lander's discovery today. Usually upbeat and excited about each new odd shaped rock, the scientists seemed out of sorts about this discovery.

Late last night, the Mars lander had struck yet another red rock and was working its way around it when the folks at the space agency notice tool marks on the rock.

Giddy scientists wandered in at odd intervals checking on the progress of the disinterment of the Mars artifact according to Dr. McClurg, the only NASA official who would talk to the press. “It's not like I am going to have a career after this anyways.” He said when he was asked why he was breaking silence about the discovery.

The tool marks proved to be a rough imitation of hair, and soon a crude humanoid face was unburied from the Martian soil. “We didn't even make a pretense of working,” said McClurg, “We just stared at the monitors in shock. This was beyond anything we had imagined.”

After a long night of watching the careful work of the lander, they were in for the greatest shock of all. The statuette, which stands about six inches in height, is a rough carving of a human male holding what appears to have been a sword. Odd scratches on the base puzzled the scientists at first, but image enhancement showed them to be be writing in the English alphabet.

With the enhancement the inscription was quite easy to read.

“To John Carter, Barsoom's Greatest Dad, Love Carthoris”

"KNAVE OF HEARTS," Mars - Robotic excavation in northern Mars has yielded evidence of sentient, design-savvy life, NASA officials said Monday.

The NASA Phoenix spacecraft uncovered what appeared to be printouts of entries for htrow0001.com, a Martian-based contest web site.

"Some of the entries were fantastic, like the winner of the Create Your Own Alien Contest, which bore a striking resemblance to Michael Jackson" said Phoenix co-investigator M. N. Uranus. Others, however, proved more disappointing.

"I don't know what was up with some of the fake 'Plan Nine from Cyberspace' movie posters," Uranus said. "I'm sensitive to planetary anthropological differences, of course, but you can't tell me that the use of Comic Sans isn't just plain wrong."

The Phoenix's camera captures images in shades of red, green, and blue, a method that could cause problems for galaxies used to the CMYK color model, said htrow0001.com spokesman Pix L. Ated. In addition, the Red Planet's eponymous color may lead to other viewing problems.

"It's come to our attention that Mars may appear blurry in compressed pictures," Ated said. "We're asking all of our Earth voters to view the images in full before passing judgment."

Uranus said that NASA cryptologists were still working on deciphering the inscriptions under several entries, such as a mysterious description reading, "hai dis iz Mi FiRsT eNTRii to hTrOW n mrtian iz mi 2nd lnguge so plz b nicceee thnxkxzzs :)"

Additionally, the Phoenix found several chain letters purporting to show images of oddly-shaped natural Martian phenomenon. It is unclear whether they are real or not, Uranus said.

"They look really realistic," Uranus said. "But it's hard to be a hundred percent sure."

Rumors that htrow001.com may also contain an archive of written-word competitions remain unfounded.

"If there's a text section," Uranus said, "it's certainly a well-kept secret."

NASA Scientists unearth familiar finding on an unfamiliar ground.
Trustworthy Reporter, SPACE News

May 30th, 2008 -- NASA scientists got more than they bargained for yesterday as they fired up the 7ft extendable digging arm of the Phoenix Lander. Originally slated for a 90 day mission in search for traces of water and ice buried beneath the surface, the focus of the mission will undoubtedly shift to a fractured piece of what appears to be clay tablet dug up by the lander late yesterday afternoon. On the tablet were several well preserved markings which, after detailed analysis, were determined to be a form of hieroglyphics strikingly similar to those found on the walls and in the tombs of archeological sites all throughout Egypt.

As to what exactly these hieroglyphics say, that has been classified Top Secret by direct order of the Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates. But that has not stopped speculators from voicing their ideas, “This is very exciting indeed. This is the sort of discovery that we all dream of while were in the planning process for these kinds of missions! [...] While I have not actually seen the tablet myself, it most likely tells the account of a ‘day in the life’ of your ancient Martian, or perhaps ancient ceremony rites recorded for passing down to later generations. Nobody knows for sure at this point but we are all very excited to see what other secrets the Red Planet will be giving up in the days to come,” said Greg Hicks, Phoenix trajectory specialist.

Since the discovery less than 48 hours ago, there has been an international outcry from scientists around the world demanding open access to the photographs of what has been unofficially deemed “The Red Tablet”. An astronomer that chose to remain anonymous had this to say, “This is the sort of discovery that could truly, once-and-for-all, bring us all together! It is a great disservice to the scientific community, and to humanity as a whole, for one small party to hold this information in confidentiality.”

JOHNSON SPACE CENTER, HOUSTON, TX: It was such an important event, they did not want it limited to just a press release. NASA invited members of the press to witness the first drilling on Mars. When we entered the command center, the first things we noticed (other than all the work stations) were the two gigantic images projected on a wall. One was from a telescope on the ISS (International Space Station) that was showing us a beautiful view of Mars, and the other was from the Phoenix lander on the surface of the planet.

The controller manipulated the robot arm of the lander with a joystick. As we watched, he withdrew some topsoil and placed it in the analyzer on top of the unit. “Now let’s see what’s below” he said, and told us the arm had a twenty inch reach. After each inch, he withdrew the arm to add a new sample to the analyzer.

When he got to inch eighteen, the most unusual event ever witnessed took place. The whole Phoenix lander seemed to explode upward from the planet. A huge pressurized gas chamber had been breached. The wall image from the lander went black. The one from the ISS telescope however, caught the most amazing sight. Mars was zigzagging away farther out into space, until it finally disappeared.

Mars had acted just like the punctured balloon that it was. We should be able to hear the “POP” in about five and a half years. Once a more firm time is given, and it is no longer so far out, we will publish more information on that event. In any case, it seems that we have just verified that not only is there a God, but that He has a sense of humor!

NASA scientists are today rejoicing at what may be a discovery of life on Mars. This comes as even more of a surprise since just two days ago there were grave concerns that the Phoenix Mars Lander's digging mechanisms were not robust enough to break through the deeply condensed layer of polar ice.
"We had grossly underestimated the sheer density of frozen liquid at such pressures," said robotic arm manager Bob Bonitz of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, Calif. "The mechanical scoop struggled for hours to even mark a scratch in the ice surface, but then something completely unforeseen happened..."

As stated by the head video-surveillance technician, there suddenly appeared an odd shadow cast across the excavation area, which just as suddenly disappeared. "I merely assumed it to be a random monitor glitch." An hour later, however, this 'glitch' returned, but this time a more defined outline of the shadow was discernible. "I could make out a short roundish body shape and a squashed head with bizarre pointy ears. It seemed to be wielding an implement of some kind."

Within moments the multiple camera feeds were abuzz with scenes of strange little creatures rushing about on the planet surface, enthusiastically digging into the ice with pickaxes, pneumatic drills and technologically-advanced boring machines.
NASA scientists were falling over themselves in a rapturous frenzy - a sight never before witnessed in the agency's 50 year history. An immediate press conference was held, with Phoenix project manager, Barry Goldstein, taking center stage.

"Today marks a very important milestone in space exploration and scientific discovery. Despite initial setbacks in our digging operations, we are delighted to announce success in attaining samples of the deep martian subsoil." With tears welling in his eyes, he continues. "Further to this, I am honoured to declare the most remarkable discovery that mankind has ever known. Extensive testing of this soil has revealed strong evidence that Mars has at one point in the past supported the existence of microorganisms."

After a long and anxious wait the Phoenix Mars Lander has completed its first day of digging into the planet's icy crust, and revealed a most unexpected discovery. According to the results of the Lander's electrochemistry analyser, the martian soil sampled directly below the probe tests positive for trace elements of hydrocarbon polymer, more commonly known as 'polystyrene'. Scientists were initially baffled as to how such an Earth-bound synthetic substance could have arisen there, but subsequent exploration of the surrounding area via the onboard camera has exposed a mysterious article lying nearby. Closer examination of this article has identified it as the source of the chemical anomaly, though, more astoundingly, as a highly distinguishable remnant of, what appears to be: a McDonald's hamburger container (that of a Big Mac to be precise).

This revelation has shocked both the scientific community and conservationists worldwide. How indeed could such commonplace human garbage find its way so far from Earth? Was it propelled from our planet by an unimaginable explosive force perhaps? A careless astronaut discarding litter? A practical joke by aliens?
A McDonald's spokesman flatly denies allegations that the company staged the event as a blatant publicity stunt, even though it is understood hasty preparations are underway to promote a new range of 'McMartian' branded burger meal deals.

NASA experts are convinced that such an unlikely finding is only possible as a result of previous intelligent life on Mars.
"We are certain that over the extensive period that Mars has existed in parallel to Earth there had come a time where once a sprawling metropolis of carbon-based life forms ruled the now dormant planet, just as Earth is currently populated by humans."

Such extravagant remarks have, of course, sparked widespread controversy. Is our now thriving green planet doomed to suffer the same unlively fate?

NASA has released information received from the Mars Phoenix Lander that will change the world we live in. At 10pm last night, NASA released physical evidence, proving that we don’t know each other as well as we thought. A series of handwritten letters were found in what is believed to be a woman’s handbag recovered from just below the surface of mars. Upon closer inspection by the Mars Phoenix Lander’s Camera, contents found inside the bag included a passport, from the planet Venus, and some sort of identity document, concluding that the mystery lady is in fact from Venus. Her name has been identified as “Eve50639V.” The most exciting and chilling fact comes from the letters, which we have been given access to quote from:

“Dear Eve50639V, do you believe in interstellar love at first sight? Ever since you reversed your ship into mine at the 18th Planet diner last night, I can’t stop thinking about you. I need to see you again. Adam32534M”

“Dear Eve50639V, can I call you Eve? It was so good to see you again. I love our time together. Inter planet relationships aren’t allowed but I have totally fallen for you. Adam.”

“My love Eve, did you hear about the meteor shower stripping our solar system? Our home planets will be ruined! Please don’t move with your civilization to the planet Argon, run away with me. I hear that earth is uninhabited; we can start our own colony together. Meet me tonight in the 18th Planet Diner, parking lot at midnight. Love forever. Adam.”

Are men from Mars? Are women really from Venus? Did Adam and Eve start our civilization? Scientists are busy scanning the evidence. The world leaders ask for calm at this time.