5) Remember that big bully from high school? He’s still a jerk, and he lives in Cleveland. Call him up and tell him that you think he’s a sissy. Wait in the bushes in front of your house with a skateboard and a rope. When he comes to your house to beat you up, tie the rope to his bumper and lay low. Then, when he gives up looking for you, free trip to Cleveland!

4) Build your house uphill from everything.

3) Buy a grappling hook with a “cloud” attachment. Grapple a cloud.

2) Become two-dimensional. Mail yourself.

1) Big, big giant steps.

1. Train a legion of guinea pigs. Replace engine with oversized hamster wheel.

2. One word: tacheyons. Raid Gene Roddenberry’s estate. Uncover plans for a real space-age engine.

3. Obtain dogsled team. Refit dog sled with roller skates.

4. Expose self to cosmic radiation. Gain superpower of instant teleportation.

5. Erect trebuchet, catapult, and human-sized slingshot in back yard. Select device based on desired distance. Don't forget the parachute and helmet - especially the parachute.

5. Build a wood-burning hot-air balloon using the original 19th-century construction techniques pioneered by the Montgolfier brothers of Paris;

4. Harness the power of wind by constructing a replica of the 100-gun HMS Victory, the oldest ship of the line in the Royal Navy, launched in 1765;

3. Manufacture a steam-powered contraption that collects its water from condensation and runs on a monorail system made entirely of bamboo;

2. Invent a revolutionary method of nuclear fusion that can power a vehicle for 10,000 miles and whose only byproduct is harmless inert gases;

or

1. Get off your lazy butt and walk somewhere for a change.

1. Convert your backyard into a salt farm instead of running that rickety lawnmower.

2. Restrict gas-powered boat usage to high-speed chases and drunken fishing.

3. Introduce a new law to prevent the use of gasoline in chainsaws, which has the added bonus of decimating the frequency of chainsaw-related homicides in Texas.

4. Reduce the need for gas-guzzling leaf blowers by cutting down those messy trees—-but not with illegal chainsaws.

5. Use the new BioHippie fuel converter that powers your car with the undiluted tears of emotional environmentalists distraught at the loss of their precious trees.

1. Remove all 4 seats and install giant hamster balls.

2. Attach bobsled handles to the car so the kids can give the old Buick a running start down the driveway!

3. Grease your brakes to preserve maximum forward momentum.

4. Rig a series of zip lines between your house, work and other frequented locations.

5. Configure your vehicle to run off of urine. You should also begin stockpiling feces in the backyard in case that technology ever becomes available.

5. Replace your tires with running-wheels: put rabbits in the front ones, dogs in the back.

4. Cut the driver’s side floor and start running. For double power, do the passenger side. Yabadabadoo!

3. Maximise your Automobile Club membership by getting towed occasionally.

2. Create a magnetic traveling rod and get pulled by moving vehicles. Install a quick release device. When traffic is limited, use the rod to latch on to poles, streetlamps or mailboxes and reel yourself closer to your goal, one throw at a time.

1. Start training for the strong man or woman competition by pulling your car regularly.

1) Tie helium balloons to the roof rack to lighten your car.

2) When stopped at a red light, sneak out and attach a tow rope to the guy in front.

3) Take shortcuts through parks, gardens and farms whenever possible – a piece of corrugated iron welded to the front of your car will help get through fences (a la The A-Team).

4) Every few miles, pretend you’ve broken down and ask a passerby to give you a “push start” for a couple of hundred yards.

5) If your destination is near a hospital, don’t drive at all: simply feign a heart attack, call 911, then jump off the stretcher and run away when you get there.

1. Ride your oversized cat. After all, it seems only fair after paying all the vet bills.

2. Feign a recently broken leg then proceed to guilt people into giving you piggy-back rides for several blocks.

3. Sit on your butt all day and whine about the spiking gas prices. This one’s highly productive (even if you’re not)

4. Whip out your old Radio Flyer. It’s never too late to reminisce on fond memories of bloodied limbs and broken noses.

5. Buy a pair of skate shoes. Watch the awed stares as you enter the fast lane.

All of these suggestions are easy to implement and don't compromise the safety of your family.

1. Have everyone use the bathroom before all trips to reduce the weight load. Short hair is also encouraged.

2. Turn off your car at the top of all hills and coast down.

3. Have all passengers wear only their underwear to decrease the weight load.

4. Drink only tap water. Lugging milk, soda, and beer back from the store is heavy and uses more gas.

5. Put a solar panel on the roof to power you headlights.

1. Remember that squeaking sound in the engine? Well multiply it by 500 and watch the squirrels roll your ride!!

2. What moves you? If its your music then you’re in luck! Just plug and play your favorite tune to activate your vehicle!

3. Everyday is garbage day with the new trash compact! Just dump your garbage in the designated area and listen to her purr!

4. No gas to mow your lawn? Try the new clip and recycle. As you cut, it reuses the clippings!

5. Want to recycle without paying a monthly cost AND save gas? Just feed the used paper through the slot to get your car going!