Hello. I am so glad you called. My dinner is far too delicious.

No, I am sure. I would much rather talk to a telemarketer than eat a second serving of lobster bisque.

As a matter of fact I am eating vegetables too. Roast asparagus spears with red pepper jelly. Yes it does sound good, unfortunately my husband just ate the last of them.

No, it’s alright. He is taking a haute cuisine course and I am putting on weight like nothing else. If I am talking to you I won’t eat anything and I will be as slim as a supermodel.

So what are you selling? Knives? Sorry, we have lots of knives. We have big knives, little knives, straight knives, curved knives, cleavers, parers, chef’s knives. We even have an ulu.

It is an Inuit knife used for scraping the fat off of seal skin.

No, we don’t eat much seal, but you never know.

Actually I don’t know if we have any oyster knives. (Dear, do we have any oyster knives?) Not that it matters. I can’t eat oysters anyway.

Do you sell machetes? I always wanted a machete.

No, that’s too bad. I guess machetes aren’t really kitchen knives.

So I guess I will buy the oyster knives. How many oyster knives do we need?

Six sounds good.

He’s bringing out desert.

It looks like some kind of torte.

Almond, I think.

So, same time tomorrow night? He's making a linguine with a cream sauce that is to die for. I'm sure it will go straight to my hips.

Me: “Hello? No, he’s not in, and it’s pronounced Day-Lee. Not Dally.”

“No, I don’t make the decisions around here.”

“Well I suppose but...yeah...no...I think it’s pretty sturdy. They just don’t build ‘em like that anymore, you know?”

“Oh, they do? Better?”

“I guess not, but we’ve never had to fit 60 people on our porch. I don’t think I’d want 60 people at my grandpa’s house. It kinda smells here and the whole lay-out embarrasses me, to tell you the truth.”

“Well that depends. I mean, whose providing all the food? Im not going to be having sixty-person barbeques if I’ve just dropped three grand on a new porch. Especially with rising food prices and fuel costs...”

“I think its about $6.50 a pound.”

“Oh, its delicious.”

“No, we only have three steps. It’s not really even a porch. Its more of a plateau.”

“Brown.”

“No, not wood. But it’s brown.”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t know. I don’t think they make this stuff anymore.”

“Yeah, I just don’t think its something we need...”

“You do tires too?”

“I don’t know. I don’t usually eat at a place that serves tacos and chow-mein, if you know what I mean.”

“I’m sure you are authorized for both, but I just ...”

“I don’t know when he’ll be home. He’s got tai-chi til six and then its boozing time. He likes to sit on the crumbling porch with a drink in his hand and throw rocks at his wheels.”

“You called me, remember?

“I know you’re just doing your job, but who in their right mind tries to sell porches over the phone?”
“Wait...shut up. What time is it there?”

“I gotta go. Heroes is on.”

Hello?

I see, you are not a policeman, but you are paid to represent the Fraternal Order of Police. That is quite honest of you to say that.

Yes, I am well aware of the public service police provide, in fact...

So the Fraternal Order of Police is raising funds for widows and orphans of those killed in the line of duty, yes that is a good cause, in fact...

Pardon? Oh, there are a number of tiers, copper is $10, silver is $15 and gold is $25.

And you would like me to make a pledge. Well I can do that, what did you say your name was?

John Doe, well that is an amazing coincidence. So tell me Mr. Doe, what company is it exactly you work for?

I see, with my pledge, I receive a free membership packet including a rear-window decal and bumper sticker.

Yes, I can see how that would help me in a traffic stop. Good joke there Mr. Doe. Now, what company did you say you worked for?

The Fraternal Order of Police? I rather thought you would be working with a firm that was hired to run the campaign?

Ah, you are, so what is that firm’s name and address please, I would like to send a check.

Oh, so you prefer to take pledges by credit card for ‘my convenience’, well that is considerate of you.

Sure, I will give you the credit card information in just a second, let me give you the address here first so you can send the packet.

Ready? It is Lieutenant Arthur Coleman, PO Box 1134, NYC NY.

Yes, and would you make that ‘Attention NYPD Bunko squad’. Hello? Hello?

Charlie, did we get a trace on that one? Los Vegas Nevada? Figures.

Hello …

Five minutes? Well, I was just going to de-frost the freezer, but anything to put it off. What can I do for you?

You can do something for me? Oh, how marvellous!

Building insurance? Ah, well, see … I lease this house, I don’t own it. The onus is on the owner to insure the building. I just wish he would take enough interest in it to do maintenance. There’s roof tiles missing, and as for the guttering, every time it rains … no, no, don’t stop me, I’m in full flow, you’ve got me on my hobbyhorse now. Now what was I saying? Oh, yes …. that penny-pinching landlord of mine … I was just saying that …

What? … Oh, yes, I have contents. No … no insurance. I just wish you’d telephoned me before the rains came … but, see, the guttering and missing roof tiles caused such damage to my carpets and things that they’re really not worth insuring now. Like I was saying, that lousy, stinking excuse for a landlord has a lot to answer for. I don’t suppose you people could trace him for me if I gave you his full name? … no? … I thought you people had records similar to the police files? … You don’t? … oh …

Car? Don’t make me laugh. With fuel the price it is these days? Don’t tell me you’re still running yours? I use a bike now … No, it’s not insured. It’s twenty years old and I just wish someone would steal it, then my company would reimburse because they do have insurance … you know dear, you should get that asthma seen to.

As I was … hello … hello … Hmmmm … cut off!

Bloody telephone company!

• Yes, this is she.
• No, I haven’t really thought about it.
• Well, that does sound like a deal.
• So how much would it cost if I wanted to get one for my friend?
• Buy one get one free, that is tempting.
• What colours do you have?
• Oh! I will definitely have the one in tan.
• Oh yeah, I guess get her the white one.
• Do they come with any attachments or special requirements I should know about?
• HAH! I knew it.
• So, if it’s damaged can I return it?
• Well that’s no good.
• So, if I get both, and my friend doesn’t like it, can I return that one?
• Unconditionally?
• I see what you are saying, but this is quite the commitment.
• Can I have a minute to think about it?
• No, I think I should talk it over with my boyfriend.
• He doesn’t really like surprises.
• Okay, you know what, if you throw in all the attachments and a lifetime guarantee, I’ll do it.
• There is no guarantee? Just a year?
• What happens after a year?
• That sounds messy.
• Well you aren’t the one that has to clean up the mess.
• Yeah, we have a dog.
• Good Heavens no!
• Are you trying to sell this to me, or warn me about it?
• Well you aren’t doing a very good job.
• Does it come with instructions?
• I see… well I guess I’ll get both of them.
• How long will it take?
• 9 MONTHS! What a scam. I can make my own in that amount of time anyway.
• No, I don’t. I’ll wait and make my own baby. Thanks.

“Hello?”

“Yes, this is he.”

“No thank you, I am not interested.”

“My card is already maxed out. I don’t think anyone will be able to take money from it anyways.”

“Sure, I suppose anything is possible. But why would…..”

“I see.”

“Uh huh.”

“For how much?”

“Well to tell you the truth sir, I am having a hard enough time making the monthly minimum payment the way it is. Why would I want to add more each month?”

“Well thank you for your concern for my credit. But I think I will just be real careful.”

“I see, but I just said that I am not interested.”

“Did you not hear what I just said? I think I said it plain enough.”

“I don’t want it!”

“No, I do not agree.”

“I said no!”

“This is hopeless!”

“Can I ask you a couple of questions?”

“Do you have this card protection plan?”

“I see. Does it work well for you?”

“So you will have no problem giving me your social security number then?”

“Well why not? You just said you don’t have to worry about anyone steeling your identity.”

“There you go. So what is your social security number. Then after that you can give me your credit card number and expiration date too.”

“No I am not crazy! But if the protection plan is as good as you say it is, then you have nothing to worry about. This way I can get caught up on my credit card payments and you won’t have any worries.”

“Yes, but your protected. Tell you what, I will split whatever I can get out of you… with you. I have a pen whenever your ready.”

“Hello? Hello?”

Hello?
Oh, so you are selling vitamins. Well I already...

A full years supply you say. Well yes, I can see where that might be convenient.

And five free gifts? Including a matched set of luggage?

And airline tickets, and a one week vacation. My that is generous. How much to the vitamins cost?

Yes, I understand good health is important. That is why I...

Oh, special formulas available nowhere else? That is impressive. So how much does...

Shipped straight to my door, with a handy monthly pill dispenser. Is that one of the free gifts?

No I see, that is a free bonus. So how much does this...

Specially formulated with me in mind? Well that is interesting, how do you know what my special needs ar...

A team of leading doctors hand picked the selection. I see. Do you have any of their names so I can research their...

And a dozen free roses? Well I am not sure what I would do with those. So what did you say these cos...

Yes, you did mention the health benefits before. Look, sooner or later you are going to have to tell me the price. Why not now?

Yes, I understand the health benefits....

Yes I consider my health to be important...

Yes, probably the most important thing....

How much did you say again?

(Laughing Hysterically)... $3,000? For a year’s supply of vitamins? You have got to be nuts!

Look, I don’t care what the formulas are. Do they contain gold and platinum or something? No thank you!

No I don’t want to talk to your supervisor... Hello? Hello?

Yes, Mr. Smith, your evil phone droid explained everything to me in detail. Drop dead. Good day. (Click)

Hello?

Well, yes I am interested in renting some vacation property, but I have no interest whatsoever in a time-share, so if that is what this is about...

No? OK, so you have a penthouse in Miami you want to rent for a week. How did you get my name?

A mutual acquaintance? And that would be who?

Hmmm... well I am not sure why it would be a problem to tell me, but how about telling me what state your condo is in?

Yes, US state. I understand you say you are a missionary overseas at the moment, but surely you must know the state in which your property resides?

Flatlandia? Nice try. OK, you have caller ID blocked, mind telling me where you are calling from?

Your mission in Africa, of course, why didn’t I think of that. And I assume you have an uncle in the banking business so I can wire you the money?

Yes, I figured that. Tell you what. I am not interested in renting your property, but I am interested in talking to you. I will pay you $200 just to answer some questions.

Oh no, nothing personal, I am just curious. For example, isn’t there any way to make an honest living where you are? You seem to know your way around a computer.

Sorry to hear about the unemployment situation. OK, I will send you $200. I need your account number so I can wire it to you.

What do you mean, you are worried I might rob you? Weren’t you planning to make a wire transfer to start with?
(Click)

Amazing. I never dreamed it would be that easy to get rid of them.

Hello

Yes I do own a cell phone.

No one is happy with there monthly plan.

What you can help?

Sure you are going to save me money!

I never had a phone call from some who is going to make me spend more money.

Please stop wasting my time. I heard this all before.

Wait a minute I heard you guys aren’t allowed to hang up on someone is that true?

Come on tell me.

No I don’t like saving money. I get paid way too much at my job. So the more I spend on this and that. The more I am spreading the wealth around. I am a wealthy man. I drive the most expensive car. I spend money as a hobby.

Do you want to hang up?

You can’t because you’ll get fired.

Saving money is for poor people.

How does it feel when I am wasting your time?

Do you like it?

What did you say?

A free iphone!

Ok now I am listening.

How much can I save if I go with your company?

Wow that a great deal. I can really save big money.

Will the coverage be the same as what I have now?

Better you say! Wow I can’t believe it..

Is this for real? I can’t believe it.

Can my wife get the same deal?

Up to four phones this deal gets better by the minute!

How do I get this deal?

I don’t have a credit card.

No checking account either.

Now how does it feel getting your time wasted?

Do you like it?

Goodbye and don’t call back!

Click

‘Hello’

‘Yep tis me’

‘Well if you can tell me everything in 30 seconds, I would appreciate it.’

‘Ok,ok slow down I was just joking.’

‘No I haven’t heard about it, how could I if it’s a new product?’

‘Shatterproof huh, even if I shoot at it?’

‘Yep, I’ll hold.’

‘Uh huh yep, I’m still here.’

‘Oh so it’s shatter proof and not bullet proof, oh ho.

‘Go ahead I’m still interested.'

‘And what about moon light?’

‘Yep I’ll hold.’

‘The moon doesn’t give off any heat, hmm good to know, carry on.’

‘Yes, now what if I move do your guys come and take them out and put them in my new place?’

‘Yep, holding.’

‘Oh well that’s unfortunate, well do I get the 30% discount again if I move and need new ones?’

‘Wait, wait just write down all the questions you can’t answer and ask your supervisor all at once. Please continue.’

‘Ah yes that’s a wide variety of sizes, what about the dog house size? Do you have that?’

‘Well aren’t dog houses a standard size? Forget it just continue.’

‘I notice that you didn’t mention my favorite color yellow, don’t you carry that color?’

‘Oh so you are saying that yellow is an impractical color for your product? I’ll have you to know that my whole house is that color.’

‘Apology accepted.’

‘Yes, it is my suggestion.’

‘No, sorry honey, I would not like to purchase any windows.’

‘Why? Well dear this house doesn’t have any windows we don’t like sunlight. Goodbye.’