Well, we’ve had a pretty exciting year.
Marcie’s 14 now, and gave birth to her first child back in July. He’s just the prettiest little baby you ever saw. We haven’t found out who the daddy is yet, but that Maury show says we can keep coming back whenever we round up more people to test. I just sure hope it ain’t her daddy’s, since I never did figure out who he was.

Bill’s finishing up an 8-10, since the cops finally found his moonshine still back in May. He seems to really like his cellmate this time, they’re already making plans for when they get out. He won’t tell me what they are, but I’m sure it will be something really special.

Most of you know that Little Billy got run over a few months back. Guess I shouldn’t have told him to go play in traffic, but how was I supposed to know he’d actually do it? It ain’t my fault. Anyway, he’s out of the hospital now, but the docs say they don’t know if he’ll ever be right again.

Sadly, our dog Spot is no longer with us, he got that rabies at the end of summer. He crawled into the neighbor’s trailer one night and was chewing them up real good. I had to shoot him to make him stop. As for the neighbors, well I had to put them down too, or they would have gone mad and came for us in our sleep. Nobody new has moved in yet, but we’re hoping some nice family will soon.

That’s about all the news on us. I hope all y’all are doing good, and Happy Holidays!

Love, the Smith Family

Dear Family and friends,

This year has not been too much different than last year.

Brother Jerald narrowly escaped being caught by Mr. Hank, while hanky panking with his wife. In his hurry to get out the window, his pants got caught and ripped off. He hit the ground running and poor old Mrs. Jones, who was walking her dog fainted after Jerald ran by her naked as a Jay bird. It was a close call, but Jerald says he will be more careful next time.

Sister Hanna tried her hand at baking cookies again. We all know that her cookies are to die for. She was pretty tipsy from the cooking sherry and most of mamma's prescription for weight loss. In her haste, she used the rat poison in place of baking soda. Uncle Jake who was visiting sneaked a warm cookie. If we can't keep Hanna out of the kitchen, we won't have any family left to celebrate the holidays after awhile. We planted uncle Jake in the garden with the others.

Ma and Pa took a road trip to the Smithsonian this year. Pa got over excited when he saw the Indians. He yelled out that we were under attack, then pulled out his gun and shot all of them. Ma tried to wrestle the gun away from him and got all her toes shot off one foot. Ma went to the hospital and Pa says he will see us all in a few years when he gets out pf prison. He says its a sad day when you go to jail for protecting your family. Ma has to buy two different size shoes now.

The doctor says the sores on me come from cousin Ike. We both are getting penicillin shots.

Merry Christmas Everyone,

Cousin Fanny

Hello friends and family,

It would appear to be that time of the year again, when I send you a meaningless letter about my mundane and worthless life. I suppose I should begin recollection at January, seeing as some idiot decided to make it the beginning of the year. I woke up one day to fifty feet of snow, and I couldn’t get out for six weeks. Around the third week all my pipes burst and I was forced to use a bucket for a toilet.

When the snow thawed, I walked outside, when a late winter storm rushed in, instantly giving me severe frostbite and burying my house in fifty-one feet of snow. I set fire to the whole thing and abandoned it, planning to move to Wisconsin and work at a moose farm. On the journey there, my truck exploded and I was forced to walk. My cat died five hours later, and before I could pick up her lifeless body, a buzzard swooped down and began to eat it. When I tried to shoo him away, he puked carrion-filled vomit all over my jacket. So I hitchhiked on the back of a tour bus for the elderly the rest of the way.

Upon my arrival in Duluth, I decided to live in a shack by the side of the road. It is horrible, because whenever a truck goes by the door flings open and I get blasted with flying shards of ice.

Anyway, I got a job at the moose farm down the road. Yesterday I slipped on a chunk of frozen moose crap and broke my tail bone. Now when I walk there’s this odd clicking noise, which has a beat that I can hum “Funeral March” to.

Sincerely yours, Frank Johnson :(

Greetings all!

Well, it's that time of year again...

Christmas is just around the corner and there’s been lots happening around the Nadderwelcher household!

Corrine, Bobby and Rae are all doing well in school. Corrine is doing particularly well in Chemistry. She’ll be out of the youthful detention center just in time for a visit from Santa! Bobby’s finally starting to grow into those ears and Rae’s entering her “womanhood.”

We got turned down by Christmas Cares again this year. The woman who came for our interview apparently smelled a little to pretty for Hank to handle and he spent the entire interview humping her leg. She said that any family who couldn't control a horny little hamster didn’t deserve a happy holiday anyways.

Max is still without a job and, as many of you have heard, I've now lost mine, too. We are getting our bi-weekly checks from the state, but that's just barely covering the house and car payments.

Hopefully, soon, the Lord will send us an angel with news of a more positive note like he did for Loretta, our neighbor with cancer. It's spread to her stomach and she can't hold anything down, so she's just stopped buying groceries. How Our Father works his mysteries! Just when she was on the verge of losing her house, he gives her a way to save money.

Hope all is well with you and yours!

God Bless,
Rita

Dear Best Friend,
What’s up? I should have written to you earlier but the prison warden warned us that we should only write one letter per week starting this holiday season and they confiscated every pen we have. This year is the worst year ever but I’ll be out for parole next Christmas 2009 according to my lawyer, but what the heck as long as I am in here I should enjoy, right? My husband, well haven’t heard from him since his mistress tries to emasculate him and haven’t spoken to him since they transferred me to maximum security, my mother in-law is still visiting me and said not to worry, I think she knows where he is.

My parents well they moved prior to my arrest, they said they can’t live to see me in a situation like this. Remember my two boys Raymond and Richard? Raymond he is sober now for thirty days isn’t that great. I think he is beginning to accept the fact about our family and Richard the charges for drug dealing were dropped due to lack of evidence. My baby girl Rebecca she would be a mother soon. Her boyfriend left her but her pimp is taking good care of her. I told them to visit you if they had the time.

What can I say; life went downhill for my family since we last meet. Don’t worry we are doing quite fine. We are fine people so we do fine. By the way I would be visiting you next year and hoping you won’t be hiding from me, you’re still my best friend even if you run away with the money we robbed at that convenience store. I forgave you but hope to see you suffer as I suffered…
Your Friend, Prisoner 1475

Dear Family,
Last summer I got out of Frenton Jail. I can’t believe I spent 10 months in jail for unloading my RV’s septic in a MC Donald’s bathroom. I mean, come on, that bathroom smelled way better afterwards. You can’t blame me any way because I don’t think straight when I’m drunk. Oh yeah, I got two DUI’s this week. What does DUI stand for any way? You know I didn’t make it to 5th grade so if you could tell me that would be mighty fine. My brother Jo was living with me for a couple months. He got fired from the meat factory after he brought in a skunk to clean. Can you believe that! The nerve of those people; all Jo wanted was a furry new bra for his homeless HIV infected girlfriend Shelley. Boy, I miss Jo’s road kill stews. The squirrel heads where the best part. I hope Ma is well. I still remember that time she called the police after I stabbed Chompy to death. I was 10 years old and far from sober so how was I to know that was Chompy and not my neighbor Penny’s dog. Hasn’t any one heard of roasted dog? Gee, it has been fun this year with mooning in front of a grocery store, shop lifted some horse manure, and went riding through town on my friend’s sweaty boar. Happy Holidays!

Sincerely
Jack Hoply

Dear She-Dog of a Mother, Sewer Rat Father, and My Hated Sister,
I had a great time in the Mesa Desert Rehab Center in Australia. It’s 120 degrees everyday. I’m burnt from head to toe. At least I know my family loves me. Oh, wait, that’s right, you gave me up for adoption but kept my “goody two shoes” sister. What, did the doctor scare you when he diagnosed me with violent mania and said some day I would go crazy? Well last fall I did. I went and tried to rob a fish gutting factory. That was fun, until the police hit me with batons. Yeah, thanks so much for not bailing me out that time I got put in the slammer for molesting a crocodile during the summer. It’s lonely “Down Under”. I got a pet Tasmanian Devil recently. I call him Foamy because he foams so happily every time he sees me. Foamy ate my cat Fluffs. The stupid cat always sprayed my furniture any way. I cut a tree last week. It looked perfect, but alas, I got a face full of angry hissing Kuala. I got seven stitches for Christmas and squat from you people I call family.

Not Sincerely
Stan Quasi

Dear Friends and Family,

Its been like ages I've actually written a holiday letter, well I guess last holiday letter I wrote was last year. Never mind I'm not good remembering things anyways.

This year was NOT like any other year, I got a new job just because I was fired from my old job for sleeping during an important meeting, my dad asked me the reason for leaving the job, I just said "I didn’t like my boss's dog; he used to always bark on me". Well that’s the best reason I could come up with.

My brother, Chris, has now been promoted to 9th grade. Well finally after 3years in 8th grade he managed to get to the higher grades. My dad was so happy that he arranged a party later that night, and we all were celebrating like as we'd a new born baby boy in our house.

Well things going pretty well for my dad. He went for a fish catching competition, and ended up in hospital having high cold, just because he was so frustrated by the win of my uncle Patrick that he tried to pushing him into the pond but slipped and fell along with the jury members.

My sweet little cat Diana has got two little kittens now. I guess she did it with the help of my neighbors cat Tom. I saw them hanging around couple of weeks before she had those cute kittens.

The only thing good during the year was the week we went camping in the rain forests of Amazon. Well unfortunately we returned back after 4days as I started having nightmares of mosquitoes kidnapping me, but those 4days were days to remember as we forgot to take our tents and had to live under trees.

Dear Family,
My neighbor whom was a tax collector/lawyer got eaten by a pack of rabid Kenya Monkeys. My friend John taught his elephant how to do tricks. Unfortunately, the roll over trick lead to the destruction of his shack house. Now John lives in my house and cooks deep fried bananas and giraffe for dinner. My Okapi got out last night and ate Jewel Nursery’s plants. I tried to get my Okapi but the Carnivorous Python Vine almost squeezed me to death. I later found two deadly Black Mamba Snakes brooding in my toilet. Today a swarm of 3” long African Soldier Ants woke me up with their stings. I almost lost my finger to one of the big soldiers. The exterminator came this afternoon. He said there were about 2,000 ants infesting my house before the ants swarmed over him and dragged him into the jungle where their nest probably is. Later the ants left me in peace. Last week a 12” long scorpion tried to take over my kitchen. It was eating the giant cockroaches that I catch and cook for breakfast. At least it’s gone now. Cockroach omelet is crunchy and gooey goodness! Happy Holidays!

PS. The cockroach chocolate bars I sent you are still alive.

Sincerely
Jerald Meer