See, my sister’s boyfriend’s mother’s cousin told her that she didn’t have to declare it when her situation was exactly like mine, well, except that she was doing volunteer work, so she didn’t actually get paid and mine wasn’t volunteer, but I thought it was close enough so I didn’t.

No, I didn’t actually add all the totals together. That would have taken forever to organize and file and add up. I estimated what I thought I spent. I mean, you do see the boxes of receipts there on your desk, don’t you?

“I brought my lawyer, my accountant and his lawyer with me this time because the last time I had to come see you guys I ended up needing all of them. That’s why I stopped filing at all for the last few years, seems easier just not to”.

Hitmen are not a legitimate business expense?

I paid the important taxes...

"Charitable contributions" - That means SMALL bribes yes?

I know you said to keep all my receipts, but my dealer said he didn't carry receipt books...

Yes, I did claim my 32 year old son on my income taxes as a dependent. He lives in my house; I put the clothes on his back, the food in his belly, and the roof over his head. The only contribution he’s made is to his growing beer gut.

"Like, my, like, sole source of, like, income, and like stuff, is, like, a tip jar at the bottom of my pole, do I, like, have to, like, keep track of that, or something?"

Just because my lousy good for nothing ex-wife has sole custody of our daughter and I haven’t paid child support in 6 years doesn’t mean I can’t claim my own daughter on my income taxes. She’s mine too!