The music community was sent reeling yesterday after media sources received reports that ‘Shock Rocker’ Marilyn Manson had spent an afternoon, accompanied by a nun, reading stories to sick children at the Miami Children’s Hospital.

Response from the teen goth community was swift.

“I feel like I’ve been betrayed.” a teary-eyed Walter ‘Rat’ Thompson declared, using his hand to brush away the mascara lines trickling down his cheeks. “I don’t believe in nothing no more. How could he do this to us? I’ve written 8 poems about it since I found out.”

However, the children were apparently thrilled with Manson’s retelling of E.B. White’s “Stuart Little” they received. One youngster said, “It was great. He did this cool squeaky voice when he was reading Stuart’s lines, and sometimes he would giggle! He also let us know when scary parts were coming up, so we could cover our ears if we wanted.”

In a furious statement, Manson retorted that Sister Mary was “A party freak with a libido like a rutting rhino.” and that the duo had partied and consumed questionable narcotics during the time in question.

“Never ever have I read stuff to kids. Never. I‘m incapable of that.”

His lawyers are expected to provide a formal statement tomorrow, but have called the accusation ‘absurd beyond belief.’

Manson’s recording label, Interscope Records, initially refused to comment on the incident. However, they did issue a prepared statement which declared, ‘We at Interscope Records have complete faith that Mr. Manson was up to no good, and was probably planning something that would have been lewd and inappropriate for children. I know in my heart that he’s just not the kind of person who would do anything like the incident he’s been accused of.’

AP-Omaha, Nebraska-- Emo music, typically know for the dark, deep emotions that it conveys, was turned on its ear this past Thursday at a press conference in Omaha, Nebraska. There, representatives from many of the most popular Emo music groups in the United States announced plans to change their style of music to one that is more positive and upbeat.

“Last week, we were sitting around the recording studio,” said Conor Oberst, Omaha native and lead singer of the emo band Bright Eyes, “I looked over at my drummer, and I said ‘You know what man? It’s not that bad. I mean, I used to think that nothing was worth it. That nothing really mattered. You know? Now I realize that I was just being a giant wuss. Do you like my new sweater? I bought it especially for today.”

Inside the conference, everything was happy and care-free, however, outside was a much different story. A hoard of kids, all wearing thick, dark framed glasses and messy hair, gathered to protest the event inside. One young man remarked, “We need an outlet for out pain, man. You see, the life I live is filled with nothing but darkness and silence, but the darkness is too bright, and the silence is too loud. Sometimes the blade seems like the only way out. We need these guys man. We need their…uh…what were we talking about again?”

When asked about the protests outside, Jon Theodore of The Mars Volta said, “Those kids out there don’t know what life is really all about. They think life is all about ‘Oh my God, the angst! Oh woe is me.’ They need to chill out man. So what if your girlfriend dumped you, your parents don’t ‘understand’ you, and all of your friends are about as smart as an avocado? Life is what you make it, man. These kids need to get a grip and comb their hair.” Jon then proceeded to pass out balloons with happy faces on them to the crowd.

Also announced at the conference was the planning of a new, collaborative album that was going to be put together by members of all of the bands in attendance. The album, tentatively titled We Love Everything, features songs about puppies, cotton candy, babies, and other things that make the members happy. Slated to come out in November of this year, the album is already receiving heavy attention from the media. A chief executive from Sony music said, “It really does my heart good. This album will encourage all those kids out there to put down the razor blade and pick up a handful of daises, or, you know, some other kind of flower that they like. I don’t know. For God’s sake, I just don’t want to read any of their crappy poetry anymore. ‘My soul is like a pit of vile torment.’ What the he[nf]ll is that? I mean really?”

I mean really, indeed. It seems that the future of emo music is looking up. Gone are the days of pain and torment, writhing in a pit of darkness. A new day of rainbows and sunshine has taken its place. Sure, it seems that these musicians have sold out to the “man,” but when you get right down to it, that poetry is really bad.