The curtain opens to two men standing in front of a partially-open window in a dingy room with a couple pieces of badly worn furniture and peeling wallpaper. The only light in the room is streaming in from the street below. Binoculars sit on one tripod, and another tripod holds a sniper rifle pointed out the window opening. A cooler sits a couple steps away. Charlie is looking through the binoculars.

CHARLIE: That lady is flippin’ gorgeous, I tell ya. Pity she won’t be around after this job. I’d like to get a piece of her. Whadda you think, George? Ain’t she a beaut? Wouldn’t ya like ta get some o’ that?

GEORGE: (Adjusting the rifle for something to do.) Mmph.

CHARLIE: (Looks over at George.) C’mon, George! You know ya would! Somethin’ that sweet? Yeah! (Pauses, thinking about it, then looks back through the binoculars.) Speakin’ o’ sweet, I went to drop off that box o’ chocolates -- heh heh, get it? Sweet? Chocolates? Heh heh. Anyway I went to drop ‘em off at my ma’s house yesterday, and some dude answers the door.... in his underwear! Can you believe it? I was hot! You shoulda seen Ma rushin’ over when she figured out it was me. She didn’t want me puttin’ no flippin’ bullet in her new boyfriend, ‘cause you know I woulda! Some joker messin’ around with my ma? Huh! (Shrugs.) But if Ma wants him that much, I gotta respect her rights, ya know? But I tell ya, that bozo better not do nuttin’ to 'er, ya know what I mean?

Charlie looks through the binoculars a while, wolf whistles, looks some more. George continues fiddling with the rifle, anything to help him ignore Charlie’s constant chatter.

CHARLIE: My cousin Michael -- (looks at George) you know Michael, right? (then back to the binoculars) -– Michael comes up to me last week, and he says, “Charlie, can ya lend me a G? I’ll pay ya back Friday.” Like I have that kinda cash just lyin’ around, waitin’ to give it to my no-good cousin who’d just blow it on some stupid trash. And like I really believed I’d ever see that money again – and by Friday no less? Ha! I told him to go ask his hoity-toit sister, Charlene. She must be sittin’ on a huge pile o’ dough since she married that flippin’ banker.

Pauses

CHARLIE: Hey, did ya see the fight last night? I couldn’t believe it when Springer did that. I mean, what’s he think he is? The king o’ the whole flippin’ world? (Snorts.) Kids these days....

Charlie stretches, goes to the cooler, gets out a beer, offers it to George. George shakes his head and goes back to messing with the rifle. Charlie opens the beer and takes a sip, still standing there.

CHARLIE: Guess ya don’t getta watch a lotta games no more since I heard Tracy cracked down on ya, huh? Man, that woman.... Bet yer glad she didn’t catch you with that little twit Ricky told me you hooked up with a couple weeks ago. Heh heh! Now there’s a flippin’ fight they oughta show on TV!

George shoots Charlie a dirty look, then goes over to look through the binoculars.

CHARLIE: I met this girl last night. Ooo, man, what a babe’! If we get done early, I think I’ll go back to The Roost and see if she’s there. Maybe tonight she won’t have no girlfriends makin’ her go home early. ... Hey, why dontcha come with me, George? Maybe you can get lucky with one o’ the friends. (Chuckles.) But oh, boy, if Tracy found out....

George turns around in a rage.

GEORGE: Would YOU - SHUT - UP ??!!

George then lunges at Charlie, but Charlie is quicker. Stepping aside, he pulls a gun out of his belt and quickly turns and shoots George. George falls to the floor, dead. Charlie looks down at him for a moment.

CHARLIE: “I’m gonna hafta get a partner with better flippin’ social skills.”

He reaches in his pocket, pulls out a cell phone, dials, holds it up to his ear.

CHARLIE: “Hey, Ricky! Ya doin’ anything right now?”

The curtain falls.

[As the lights come on, we see two women in a car, eating hot dogs. Stella, in the passenger seat, looks down at her clothes.]

STELLA: [With a strong Boston accent.] Aw, criminy, Liz! There goes some more mustard! [Dabs at it with a napkin.] How am I ever gonna get this shirt clean? This is a Valentino, for chrissakes! Cost me an arm and a leg at that outlet store. How’d you talk me into doing this, anyway? Just because some loser – yeah, LOSER!!! – goes messing around on me, that’s no reason to go all P.I. and start spying on him. I oughta be counting my lucky stars, getting rid of that jerk. [Picks up her drink, and starts drinking.]

LIZ: [With an equally strong accent.] Why’d you wear your good clothes anyway? Just to sit in a car and sweat? Geez, Stella, Jack is CHEATING on you, not taking you out to dinner! And when you called, you weren’t talking about him like he’s some EX-boyfriend. [Pauses.] Look, I’m doing this for YOU, because you were so upset. [Reaches for the ignition.] If you really don’t want to be here, we’ll just leave.

STELLA: No, wait! [Gestures with her drink and spills it.] Oh, man! [Starts mopping her clothes with more napkins.] I swear, they use such cheap lids these days. They don’t even fit on the cups right. Look, we’re already here, might as well keep watching. I mean, they have to come out of there sometime, don’t they? And what'd you expect me to wear? A flannel shirt? What if he sees me, Liz? I gotta look good!

LIZ: [Digging around in the glove box.] Look good for that idiot? Why bother? He doesn’t deserve to even see your little toe! Here, I found some more napkins.

[Stella takes the napkins and uses them to continue cleaning up. She dumps the rest of the drink out the window.]

STELLA: Don’t you have a roll of paper towels in the trunk? Pop the lid. I’ll go check.

[Stella opens the door, gets out, and mmediately slips on the ice from her drink with her high heels. Falls. The hot dog flies up from her hand and lands in her hair.]

STELLA: YEOWW!!! [Starts bawling.]

LIZ: [Rushes around the car to her friend.] Are you okay, Stella?

[Liz helps Stella up while trying to pick pieces of hot dog bun out of Stella’s hair. Stella wipes her tears with a now-filthy hand, leaving huge dark streaks on her face.]

LIZ: Stay there. I’ll go get the towels. Don't get back in my car!

[As Liz goes to the trunk, a man walks up to Stella.]

JACK: Stella?

STELLA: Jack? I thought you were inside.

JACK: What are you doing here? You look awful!

STELLA: [Helplessly trying to primp.] But it's VALENTINO!

[Liz goes about cleaning up her car with the paper towels, trying to appear to ignore the conversation.]

JACK: What happened?

STELLA: [flatly] Lunch. Where’s Deanna?

JACK: Deanna? I dunno. I guess she’s with Richie. Why are you looking for her here? [Thinks.] Wait -- you thought I was WITH Deanna? How could you think that, Stella? I want to marry YOU!

STELLA: I heard you talking to Deanna on the phone right before you left. You were like, [sarcastically] “You’re the only one for me,” and “I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” [Starting to go into a rage.] What do you mean you want to marry ME? You two-timing pig! I wouldn’t marry you in a million years! [Yells.] Deanna, you lousy so-and-so! Where are you?

[Liz grabs Stella, holds her back, and works to calm her down.]

LIZ: Come on, Stella, let’s get in the car.

JACK: Stella, wait. Deanna was helping me practice what to say to you! Then I came home to get this. [Pulls a small box out of his pocket, gets down on one knee, takes her dirty hand, and slides a diamond ring onto it.] Stella, you’re the only one for me. I want to be with you the rest of my life -- even if you always look like this. Will you marry me?”

STELLA: Oh, Jack! Yes! YES!

[They hug and kiss. The lights dim.]

Guy#1: I can’t believe I’m finally gonna do this.

Guy#2: I can’t believe you’re gonna do it either. So what’s the game plan?

Guy#1: Well, we’re just gonna wait ‘till she comes out the house – she should be out in the next 10 or so minutes for her morning newspaper...and then I’m gonna get out the car and pop the question.

Guy#2: And...?

Guy#1: And what?

Guy#2: That’s it? You’re just gonna get out and put the question out there?

Guy#1: Well, I mean, I plan on getting down on one knee of course.

Guy#2: Oh...okay. That works.

Guy#1: What?

Guy#2: Nothing.

Guy#1: What, you think it’s plain?

Guy#2: Just a bit.

Guy#1: Hmmm...well, maybe I could run down to the flower shop real quick for a big bouquet of roses to hand to her beforehand.

Guy#2: That’d be cool.

Guy#1: Or...hey, maybe I’ll go put the ringbox inside the pages of her newspaper right now, and when she takes it out later, I’ll get out the car, walk over and propose my lifelong love and devotion.

Guy#2: Nice....

Guy#1: Ooo, I know! Before she even comes out for her paper, I could get out the car and shout at the top of my lungs, to her whole neighborhood, “SHARON, I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH!! WILL YOU MARRRRRRY MEEEEEEEE!?!?!”

Guy#2: Wow, that’d be really nice...and sweet.

Guy#1: Ya think? Or ya know what? Maybe I could ask some of the kids around here to knock on her door and say something like, “Hi, Ms. Walker. Your boyfriend wants to know if you’ll do him the honor of becoming Mrs. Davis.” And then I step from behind them with the ring.

Guy#2: Mmm, that’d be pretty romantic, but I think your last idea was pretty soli---

Guy#1: OR...maybe I could throw a rock at her window, and when she opens the curtains, I’ll be holding a sign with the question in huge letters.

Guy#2: Umm, yeah, but what if you brea---

Guy#1: What time is it? She should’ve been out here by now. Well, anyway, that might buy me just enough time to call in a quick favor and have a band out here waiting for her, playing the wedding music that brides enter to! (Starts singing the music of the “Bridal Chorus”)

Guy#2: Umm yeah, that might be a bit much---

Guy#1: Or I could sing! What song could I sing?! C’mon, man – think of a great love song!

Guy#2: You don’t even know how to sing---

Guy#1: So! I love her SO MUCH! I want to marry her, and I’d love to tell her a million different ways!

Guy#2: Hey, man, that’s all good, but...don’t you think you might be getting just a bit carried away?

Guy#1: Mmmm…I guess you’re right. Maybe I could tone it down a bit – I am a bit worked up.

Guy#2: Yes, you are.

Guy#1: Yeah... Wait, that’s it! Maybe I’ll be more laidback for that magical moment...a bit more suave and debonair...

(Guy#2 rolls his eyes)

Guy#1: Yeah, I can be more laidback. Or at least more emotional.

(Guy#2 sighs in frustration)

Guy#1: What can I do to be a little bit more emotional? Actually, a lot more emotional, like in the movies?! C’mon...tell me something sad.

Guy#2: What?

Guy#1: Tell me something sad! I want my eyes to be kinda watery – maybe even a tear or two! I want her to see me really emotional during this proposal – I think any girl would love that.

Guy#2: Dude, you’re really spazzin’ out. It’s not that serious.

Guy#1: Oh, but it is! How can I convey more emotion?! Oh my gosh, there she is! Here goes!

(As he spots his girlfriend coming out of her house, Guy#1 gets ready to get out of the car before seeing an unfamiliar man come out behind her. His girlfriend and the unfamiliar man give each other a very long kiss goodbye.

Guy#1’s huge grin suddenly diminishes. His happy eyes sink into ones of devastation and sorrow. He can’t and doesn’t move, from the shock of what he’s witnessing.)

Guy#2: Well, hey, look on the bright side - at least you got that emotion you were looking for!

SCENE

(SANDRA AND JENNA IN SANDRA'S CAR, STAKING OUT JENNA'S HOUSE, IN THE HOURS SHORTLY AFTER DUSK. JENNA WAS TOLD BY A FRIEND THAT TOM WAS OUT TO LUNCH TODAY WITH A WOMAN)

SANDRA: Are you sure he'll be home soon?(SOUNDING A BIT UPTIGHT)

JENNA: Yeah, he usually comes home about this time. After he gets off work, he goes to the gym, then home and showers.

SANDRA: You know, I could be at home, watching Grey's Anatomy.

JENNA: You promised you'd sit with me. I should be at work, I acted sick so I could leave. I have to know.

SANDRA: Whatever.

JENNA: You know how much I love him, I'll just die if he's seeing someone.

SANDRA: Do you really think he'd bring someone back to your house?

(OVERLAPPING)

JENNA: Duck, duck! Here he comes. (YELLING)

TOM'S CAR TURNS DOWN THE STREET.

SANDRA: Did you see a passenger?

JENNA: I couldn't tell. I think we can sit up now.

SANDRA: Oh my God, he's not alone. (SURPRISED)

JENNA: He's not? (ALSO SURPRISED) Did you see who it was?

SANDRA: All I can see is that she has long brown hair.

JENNA: Why am I not good enough?(ALMOST CRYING)

SANDRA: Oh honey, you're more than any man deserves.

JENNA: Then why did he bring some girl home?

SANDRA: He's just a jerk. Let's get out of here. You can stay at my place. We can get some of your stuff tomorrow.

JENNA: I can't go yet, I want to see who she is.

SANDRA: Alright, we'll stay. He'll get what he deserves. She probably already has another man.

GRABBING JENNA'S HAND

A LIGHT IN THE UPSTAIRS BEDROOM WENT ON, BUT THE BLINDS WERE CLOSED.

JENNA: He took her up to our bedroom. I can't believe him.

SANDRA: Just stay calm.

JENNA: He is going in the bathroom. She's taking off her shirt and sitting on my bed. And how can I stay calm?

SANDRA: Let's go.

JENNA: I can't.(SLIGHT PAUSE) He's coming back in the room. It looks like she's taking his shirt off.

SANDRA: You don't need to put yourself through this.

CUT OFF BY JENNA

JENNA: What is he giving her?

SANDRA: Alright, that's enough. We're leaving.

SANDRA STARTS THE CAR AND DRIVES OFF.

Meanwhile, inside the house. Tom puts on the shirt he's going to wear tonight when he proposes to Jenna and his mom helps him button it up. Then he shows her the engagement ring he bought.

[The scene is a suburban neighborhood. Tall leafy trees line the avenue, standing in front of upscale houses. The rows of hedges provide just enough cover for a 1999 VW Jetta. Inside the car sit Barry Whitefield, an Italian-American, middle-aged private investigator, and Joshua Bollinger, a college drop-out who has managed to talk his way into an apprenticeship.

The two men are watching a the light in a window one house down, and across the street on their right.]

[Josh fidgets]

JOSH: Think he'll come out and play tonight?

BARRY: Depends. Maybe his lady's wrong, and he ain't doin' nothin' on the sly. On the other hand, maybe the suspected "other woman" will come to him. You never can tell.

JOSH: In these cases, is it usually what it looks like? I mean, these (in)significant others come to us, with just a general feeling that their husband or wife isn't playing fair. How often is it really what they think it is?

BARRY: Often 'nough. Sometimes it's just paranoia, other times it's for real. 'S a sad commentary on the male persuasion that the husbands are more inclined to cheat. I even had a guy who asked me to investigate his wife. Instead, I caught HIM red-handed.

[Josh is surprised.]

JOSH: No kidding? Can anybody say, "Supreme Tool"? No, but seriously. He hired you, you caught him. What'd you do?

[Barry chuckles.]

BARRY: The guy didn't have no kids or anythin'. I figured he deserved a little comeuppance. I told his wife, and we confronted 'im together. I handed his retainer back to 'im right in front o' her, and left. Last I heard, she had everythin'.

JOSHUA: Ouch.

BARRY: Yeah, when I heard that, I almost felt sorry for the guy. Hurts to get screwed in court.

JOSHUA: I'll bet. It's probably enough to make a guy start praying.

BARRY: Nah, not that. You shoulda been in Desert Storm. I was in the service for that little piece o' dumbnicity.

JOSH: Oh yeah?

BARRY: Yeah. And the funniest thing was we had this guy in our outfit, Johnny Don'believe, we called him, on account o' that was his favorite phrase. He kept saying that over and over again: "I don' beleive. I don' believe in God. God is dead. Belief in any deity is an antiquated form of stress relief employed by the ignorant."

So get this, our outfit saw some semi-serious action this one time. There were almost twenty Iraqui guerrillas hiding out in this abandoned settlement out in the middle o' nowhere. They had a couple o' rifles, but they were no real threat to us as long as we stayed far enough away. Eventually, the Sarge calls in an air strike. They came in, bombed the place, and we moved on.

But Johnny got scared, see? The Iraquis started firing off their pop guns soon as they saw us, an' we hunkered down real quick. Johhny starts rattling off things like: "Oh God. Oh God get me outta this. I'll believe in You. I'm sorry I ever said crap about You. Oh please, please save my sorry back end."

[Josh and Barry laugh.]

JOSH: You're serious?

BARRY: Oh hell yeah. We razzed him 'bout it afterwards, but he always denied that it ever happened. He was stronger afterwards. Never did that again. But then, he never kept his promises to the Almighty, neither.

JOSH: Which brings us back to our present case.

BARRY: Speaking of which, there's our boy now.

JOSH: And that woman at the door is NOT his wife.

BARRY: Don't look like his sister, neither. Jeez, can't anybody keep a promise these days?

[Josh raises a camera, attaches a telephoto lens, and begins to take pictures.]

This your first stake out kid?

Yeah sarge, how did you know?

(Officer behind steering wheel leans back and makes himself comfortable)

Mighty big cup of coffee you have there.

Yeah, I like my coffee

You know the rules for stake outs?

Yeah, the Lieutenant made it loud and clear, we sit in this car until the subject leaves the building, radio ahead to the vehicle assigned to follow it, and then we can leave. Any idea how long that is going to be?

If I knew, I would have taken up position five minutes before then. Could be any second. Could be half the night. In the meantime, we are not allowed to leave the car for anything. You did get that part right?

Yeah. (Younger officer takes a long pull at his coffee.) So what do you talk about in the meantime?

Anything you want, except sports, sex, religion, and department politics.

I don't recall the Lieutenant saying anything about that.

He didn't, I just did. It is for your own protection.

How so?

It will keep me from wanting to kill you before the stake out is over.

So you think they know we are out here?

If they don't the man is a lot stupider than his reputation says. That's why we aren't going to be following him. We need to keep him guessing.

Well I will spell you if you want to take a nap.

Right, and the Lieutenant will kill us both when we report in.

How will he know?

He will know. Why do you think they send two of us out on these things anyway?

In case someone misses something?

So nobody goes to sleep. These things get pretty boring, particularly in the middle of the night.

That's what I brought the coffee for.

Yeah, I know. Typical rookie move.

(Both officers are silent for a while staring out at the target car a distance away, then the younger one starts to open the car door)

What do you think you are doing?

I gotta take a whiz, and I don't think they are going to let me use the bathroom in there.

And how did you intend to do that without leaving the car?

I...well what am I supposed to do?

Drink less coffee for starters.

OK, but...

(The sergeant pulls a plastic urinal from the back seat)

Meet your new best friend. Fill it up and you will have to empty it in your shoe though.

(Rookie grumbles, but takes the urinal)

You know, they could just mount a camera out here, and monitor it from the station house.

They could, but then they wouldn't have the manpower here to take care of unanticipated situations. Besides, why do you want to be out of work?

They would just reassign us to something more useful.

I have seen the budget junior, they can't keep officers around “just in case”

Wait a minute Sarge, something is happening there.

So it is. Looks like this is going to be a short stake out.

Great! A car just pulled up blocking the exit. Want me to tell them to move?

Considering that is probably his people making sure we can't follow, no. Score one for the Lieutenant.

Yeah, but they are also blocking our view.

Just chill junior. I can see it just fine. He is getting in his car surrounded by four goons.

(Gets on cellphone and calls ahead to next car)

Why not just use the police band radio?

You have a lot to learn kid. They monitor that one too. OK, they are moving out now, and we are no longer blocked in. Time to go to the rendezvous point.

And then?

If they successfully find out where the meeting is taking place, we move in as back up. If not, we go back to the station to get an earful from the Lieutenant.

But we didn't do anything wrong.

You have a lot to learn kid.

Setting: In the cemetery at 4:00am

Hane: Works at the cemetery, he has dark brown hair, blue eyes, white teeth to match, and a bit chubby.

Tom: Works at the cemetery as well has blond hair, very lean, with green eyes, and yellow teeth.

Act 1 (the only act)

Tom: Hane why must we be out here at this hour?
(Tom’s hands in his lap leaning against a blank head stone.)

Hane: Because if we don't do this now it will never be done!
(Hane sits down on the ground next to Tom and looks down at the dirt below them. It was a grave.)

Tom: But what if someone...

Hane: No one will be out at a cemetery this late...

Tom: (continued) ...what if someone finds out about the missing diamond?
(Tom said over Hanes remark.)

Hane: No one better find out or I’m blaming you tom.
(Hane stood up briskly and glared down at his partner.)

Tom: Suppose they do though, suppose they find the fresh dirt that we dug up?
(Tom looks up at Hane questioning him)

Hane: Aint no body gonna' find out.
(Hane had a cold stare in his eyes)

Tom: I hope not.
(Tom leaned his head back against the head stone and took a deep breath watching it turn into a fine mist and dissipate into the air.)

Tom: How long are we supposed to stay here?

Hane: As long as we have to...

Tom: But how long is that?
(Tom looks at Hane and asks with a melancholy tone.)

Hane: (continued) Until Jon gets here to help us dig.
(They waited in silence for the next 2 hours and as first light began to rise above the horizon Tom woke up.)

Tom: Hane! Wake up you fool!!
(Tom was standing kicking hane in the side.)

Hane: Just one more hour...
(Hane said asleep and unaware.)

Tom: Hane! You fool it was a set up!
(Tom was smart and he wasn't about to get caught for something this stupid.)

Tom: HANE!

Hane: I'm up! I'm up! What’s the big deal Carl? We got the diamond and the money and Tom don't know!

Tom:...
(Tom stood in silence and watched his partner sit there on the ground in a half sleep daze. Tom ran from the scene and Hane was cough shortly after by local police and arrested for grave robbing.)

Setting: A cold, damp, old Chevy in front of a Steak House.
Time and People: Two fat hungry guys in the modern days.

Bill: So... we're here, now what?

Jordan: Now... we wait my friend, we wait.

(1 long hour passes)

Bill: Jordan? What are we waiting for? The smell of this steak house in taunting my senses!

Jordan: Shhhhh... Do you want 'them' to hear you?

(Long silence)

Bill: W...w...who is 'them'?

Jordan: Shhhhhhhhhhh! What did I tell you Bill?

Bill: Oh, sorry.

(Another hour passes, even longer than the first)

Bill: WHAT ARE WE DOING? ALL I SEE FROM SITTING HERE IS A BUNCH OF PEOPLE CHOWING DOWN ON SOME... Delicious... Juicy...... AWW WHAT ARE WE DOING JORDAN?

Jordan: (In a whisper) There they are! We've caught them red-handed!

Bill: Who Jordan? WHO?

Jordan: See that guy in the corner of the restaurant?

Bill: Who the one making out with his Porter House?

Jordan: NO! The other corner!

Bill: The guy ----ing his T-Bone?

Jordan: (Slaps his face) No, the man covered in blood!

Bill: Oh.. him!

Jordan: I suspect he is killing helpless victims and serving them in the restaurant!

Bill: Did you call the police?

Jordan: No! I alerted the CIOCP!

Bill: Who?

Jordan: The Cow Industry Of Cow Protection!

Bill: Oh my god Jordan... We came out here to stake-out a butcher, who makes 80% of our body weight?

Jordan: ... But my mommy told me it was water... I was retaining water!

Bill: OH MY GOD JORDAN!