“ … she couldn’t possibly be serious?”

“She swears it’s the truth.”

“With a rake?”

“Yup; thirty pounds of hamster food.”

“It all fit?”

“The 10W30 motor oil helped. But she said the hamster food wasn’t the worst part.”

“Good lord, what was?”

“Apparently the hamsters were hungry, and …”

"...that's when she went over there with an ax!"
"Where was the monkey?"
"Oh, he was already in the bedroom."
"The cops were on their way?"
"Yeah. He had already called when the girl...... "

“...and by the time they got all that ultrasound goo smeared around we were so excited.”

“Did you hear the heartbeat?”

“Yes! It sounded like a washing machine!”

“Could they tell the sex?”

“Yes, but we don’t want to know.”

“But why?”

“We want to wait until he gives birth...”

“What’s the point of that?”
“The point of what? The credit card or the bear?”
“The bear.”
“Oh, that’s easy, once you get to the shopping mall all you have to do is…”

*Stranger enters elevator, doors close*

"He really did that?"
"Yeah, I can’t believe it either."
"But a cucumber and a baby alligator?"
"And with his brother of all people."
"I’m not sure I can be his friend anymore."

*Doors open, exit elevator*

"As it turns out, a deer will stop dead if you shine headlights at it."
"So what'd you do after that?"
"We got out the shears, and..."

“....Wait, why was the sloth in the cage with the bats?”
“He didn't like the bongos.”
“Really?”
“Yup. Plus the bats are....”

So there I was frozen in place

What did you do?

Well first I had to pull up my pants

I thought you were naked?

Yes, until I saw the lights go off. It didn’t give me much time but I was at least able to pull up my underpants.

"So where are you going with your aunt for vacation this year?"
"What are you packing again?"

"Some toothpaste, orangutauns, and wheelbarrows."

"Really"

"Yeah, I'm going to use it for........"

“…lube the dip counter before you stick the ANAL probe in the chute to keep the shaft from sticking in the BUT.”