You are red and fat and never shave,
Yet you judge the way us kids behave!
We send you letters you never read,
As we never get what we told you we need!
Stop the pretence, it's easier to believe,
You just stay in the pub on Christmas Eve!

Dear Santa,

I want a new huntin rifle. One with a long distance scope.
Also, can you take off real slow so I can try it out?
That deer with the red nose is gonna look real nice on the wall of my trailer.

Signed,
Billy Bob

Dear Santa:

This marks the tenth straight year that I’ve requested a Playboy bunny for Christmas. Please rest assured that if my request is ignored this year, next Christmas instead of milk and cookies you will be feasting on reindeer stew and elf punch.

Sincerely yours,

Buford

You know, after you finished up here last year, several tiles were missing from our roof and the chimney was cracked. Now, I could always call the insurance company but I was thinking perhaps you and I could make some sort of arrangement - with the gifts and all?

Dear Santa,
You remind me of my ex-husband. He worked one night a year and the rest of the time thought he was the king on a reign, dear.

Dear Santa,

I saw you kissing mommy last year. So you better bring me a pony and the entire Pretty Princess Playset. Or else I will tell daddy where my little brother Lou really came from.

Love
Cindy

Attention Fatty! The cookies and milk were a gesture. I was assuming the quality and quantity of the cookies I left would be directly related to the quality and quantity of gifts I would receive. Since this is clearly not the case, you will not be receiving cookies next year.

Just let me set this straight:
I was cleaning the gun like Pa asked, and it accidently went off. The bullet went through Pa, the dog, and Mrs. Smith from next door. Mrs. Smith (she’s fat) landed on Sis and killed her too.
But I was just doing my chores!

"I don't see how I made the naughty list. I was only saving that infant from a lifelong addiction to sweets and an inevitable amputation of a foot due to diabetes. It was just bad parenting on the mother's part. She should be on that list, not me!"

Don't you think seventeen years worth of coal is a bit much?