My New Year's resolution it to stop trying to steal Somalian Space Program information.

I resolve to breathe seventy-nine percent nitrogen and twenty-one percent oxygen every day without fail. Even if it kills me.

I resolve not to be redundant, repetitious, palaverous, excessive, superfluous, verbose, supererogatory, oratorical, loquacious, reiterating, pleonastic or long winded.

I resolve to stop winning every single Worth1000 writing contest so that someone else can have a turn to shine.

I resolve to contradict everything I write.
Except if I wrote it.

I resolve to stop giving my vitamins to the cat.

I resolve to stop blowing my nose on the freshly shredded office documents left in the copy room, when I think no one is looking.

I resolve to stop getting involved with human sacrifices this year.

I resolve to quit smoking after sex … using more lubricant should help cut down on the friction.

I resolve to spend at least ten hours each day logged into Worth.