This Opening Paragraphs contest is a bit different from the usual. In this contest, you're going to be a no-talent hack.
In the spirit and tone of the Bulwer-Lytton contest for intentionally affected and overwrought writing, write the opening of a novel that promises to be dreadful. This contest is about good writing, done exaggeratedly badly: run-on sentences, awkwardly nested clauses, clumsy metaphors; the stuff that makes you cringe when you think of those famous words, "It was a dark and stormy night..."
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are all as important here as in other contests--we're looking for overdone, not sloppy, openings (so don't think you'll get away with an entry rife with typos!) The genre of your novel can be anything you like, because no one would bother turning to page 2 of these stories anyway!
The rules of the game are thus: While the Bulwer-Lytton contest accepts only one opening sentence, we invite you to write as much as you want, up to the Word count limit. Carry the style for at least a full paragraph or more, if you dare.
Keep in mind that profanity is not acceptable. All entries must be in accordance with our text rules and guidelines. As always, quality is a must.
You will have 7 days for this contest, so make your submissions count.
Word Limit: 300. Entries longer than 300 words may be disqualified.
Please look over the suggestions in this discussion before submitting.
The entry fee for this contest is 2 credits; the jackpot will depend on the number of entries.
Thanks to CLea74 for the themepost for this contest!