"Attention: Any pilot who can talk a hysterical civilian through the process of landing a badly damaged Boeing 787, report to air traffic control immediately. Announcer, please broadcast this only in the pilot lounges, not over the general intercom ... wait, was I supposed to read that part out loud?"

Could the person responsible for turning off the gravity filter in the airport please report to the ceiling at Terminal 2.

ATTENTION PASSENGERS!

Due to severe weather conditions, please expect a 3 hour delay before flight clearance.

For entertainment purposes, we have opened up the baggage carousel for free rides and substantially increased the speed for added excitement and centrifugal force!

Hold on tight now!

"Would passengers at gate thirteen please prepare for boarding. The black-widow spider has been caught and removed from the aircraft. Passengers should remember that not all spiders are poisonous, but be aware. Report immediately the presence of any other spiders to the cabin staff. Thank you for your co-operation."

"Thank you for your patience. Fumigation of your plane is almost complete, and boarding will begin as soon as the captain regains consciousness."

Now boarding, your flight out of here. It is time to be lifted from the endless river of stress, and to be awaked from the numb sleep of your shallow existence. The crises of your life have finally subsided into a peaceful coherence. Flight 42 is your final commute.

The travelators on the main concourse are out of order; passengers are advised that standing on them and cursing will not suddenly make them function. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Due to erroneous discombobulating circumstances, your flight has been delayed. Indefinitely.

Passengers with overpowering perfume, cologne, or fragrances shall be showered and arrive scent free for the duration of your flight. Thank you for choosing to fly with "FRESH AIRLINES".

Thank you for flying with Air Canada. Once we defrost and remove the slabs of ice from the rudder, we will be ready for take off. In the meantime please fasten your seatbelts and enjoy your complimentary peanuts and our movie selection of Final Destination. Enjoy your flight.....Eh?