#5 It's written in Ebonics
#4 Skills include "Proficiency in DOS"
#3 You found a hard copy in your Trapper Keeper
#2 The last job listed is Roadie for Leif Garrett
#1 "Responds well to a firm slap on the rear" is one of your qualifications

5. It’s written in olde english and iambic pentameter.
4. Your computer experience lists “Commodore 64”.
3. Your resume envelope is already sealed and affixed with a 22 cent stamp.
2. Your objective is “to obtain an entry level position with DeLorean Motor Company”.
1. You list a pager number.

5. I am outgoing. I was in a New Kids On The Block cover band... I had the big hair and I danced in the middle.
4. I am good with computers. I can program on DOS... Pong, Tetris and what not.
3. I have leadership skills. I was president of the Glee Club... when they still had glee.
2. I have organizational skills. My mix-tape collection is alphabetical... from Ace of Base to ZZ Top.
1. I am independant. Jerry Maguire is my favorite movie... but I won’t walk out on you.

5. 'Fingering capabilities' is no longer the best term for describing ANY of my office skills.
4. Nobody cares about my Ace of Bass dance choreography experience anymore.
3. My ability to 'navigate the World Wide Web' is no longer a trait to boast about.
2. "Staff Writer for The Simpsons" has ceased to be a prestigious title.
1. I can stop turning in resumes to Enron.

The five signs that your resume is out of date:

5. O.J. Simpson is listed as a reference.

4. Specialized skills include the ability to use high-tech gadgets like a VCR.

3. Contact information includes a pager number.

2. Hobbies include “hooking up“ with mail-room hotties and fighting sexual harassment lawsuits.

1. Previous employment: Investment counselor for Bernie Madoff.

1. You list working with bulbs in your garden as a hobby and land an offer for outdoor electrical installation.

2. - During your geology interview, you are asked about your metal research experience and respond "Do you know Kiss, Poison or Motley Crue?".

3. - Due to your "extensive experience" you are offered participation in a paid longevity research study.

4.-“Selling China” as an achievement only brings the FBI for profiling, not that porcelain broker job.

5.-You are offered a paid English 101 class to re-write your personal information.

Desiring position as Phlebotomist

Prior experience:

Paris 1602-1727: Launched solo campaign in effort to reduce night-time populace among indigent; successfully reduced numbers of impecunious by 48%.

London 1727-1893: Applied skills when transferred due to renown among local constabulary; achieved further success in facilitating own livelihood due to greater numbers of indigent and “ladies of the night.”

Madrid 1893-1921: Furthered career when encouraged to relocate by acquiring new skills, among which included nocturnal imperceptibility and Spanish.

Lisbon 1921-1975: Assisted in expediting effective population control measures among Portuguese residents; achieved several distinguished titles such as “chupa-sangue” and “vampiro.”

New York 1975-Present: Successfully utilized skills learned through past experience to continue career on new continent; most notable accomplishment involved a business venture to Detroit and a warm-blooded individual known as “James Hoffa.” Obliged to take early retirement due to notoriety resulting from popular moving pictures of late.

#5: My 8-track tape collection reflects my deversity.
#4: President Carter may work for peanuts, but I dont. Salary is negotiable.
#3: Like the new VHS tapes, I may pause, but I'm fast forward too.
#2: I'm is verry god at poof reading and wrighting.
#1: I don't waste my time on fads like the home computer.

1. Profile section: Did never quit a job
2. Hobbies: Facebooking, Myspacing, Twittering , I love animals and to take long walks
3. Single
4. Residential Address: A wide space with plenty of sun
5. References: None