"Hey, Mom, it's me. How are things going?"
"What do you mean 'What's wrong?' Everything is fine. Gre--
"I do not only call when--"
"No, I'm not pregnant."
"No, no drugs either."
"Um, well, no, I wouldn't call it a cult exactly."
"Mom, stop yelling. It's an eco-retreat, that's all. You go there and learn to live as one with the land. They'll teach me to hunt and--"
"I tried school; I did. It's just not my thing. I need to be free. My soul yearns for--"
"I am not being melodramatic!"
"Yes, I remember the Bible camp..."
"And the writing retreat..."
"And the monastery..."
"Yes, but, Mom. This is different! This is about true oneness with--"
"No, there is no boy."
"Well, okay, there's sort of a boy, but that's not what this is about. I just want--"
"I wouldn't call it funding, and this is not 'another harebrained idea'. It's a loan. I'll pay you back."
"No, I won't have a job, but the whole thing is going to run on a barter system."
"The money's just to get there. I--
"Mom? You there? Mom?"

Dearest Mother,

I have met the most wonderful people! Every day they come and talk to me for hours and teach me all sorts of things. Did you know that Canada is secretly planning an invasion of North Dakota? And if they were to establish a base there they could rapidly take control of the entire country? Apparently it has been a very real threat for the past several years. But I am not worried because the community has preparations in place and routine drills to practice for that fateful day.

I am writing to tell you that I am leaving college to join these marvelous people in their vision to build a perfect society. I no longer need to continue my studies in math and economics because we will live in a self-sufficient, generous community. I'm sorry that I can't tell you where it is located, but we must protect our secrets from those who want to bring the community down. Don’t worry about me, I am in safe hands!

Much Love,
Karen

P.S. Can you please wire all of the funds from my bank account to the following account. Thanks!
Routing number: 19309278

"Mom, please stop crying. It's not so bad. I mean we both knew college wasn't for me and--no, I'm not trying to make a joke of it, but--"

"Hi, Dad. No, I know this is serious and all, but there's an upside, really! I mean, no more tuition for you to pay and--"

"I'll still get an education here. They have vocational training and everything. Heck, there's not even room and board. This is a good thing--well, okay, not good per se, but not all bad."

"Please stop yelling. Look, I know I screwed up. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm really sorry. But it really could be worse! How? Well, um, I mean, it's only minimum security. It's not like I murdered anyone."

"Dad? Hello? Dad?"

Hey Mom,

Sorry to do this via sub-space message, but I can't afford the real-time video link right now.

Do you remember Jack, the Talarian? How could you forget, he's seven feet tall and extra furry! He and I have really hit it off these past two years, and last month we eloped. I promise I was going to tell you at Christmas, but I guess you'll just have to take my word for it since I won't be coming home this year.

It turns out that Jack's family is a bit short handed and need some help at the ranch. Their heard of bright-fish on Sulamara Reef has nearly doubled in size. He's just got word back from his family that I'm more than welcome, and that they're converting Jack's old room to hold air so I can sleep without my re-breather on.

Unfortunately, if we're going to be there in time we have to leave tonight, so we withdrew from school today. I'm sure you'll approve of me helping out our new family though, and Jack's parents are thrilled about meeting you. For some reason they're sure you'll show up within a week.

You Loving Son,

James

Mum and Dad,

By the time you read this I will have already walked out of University. You may be wondering why I have sent you a letter?

Well the recruiter told me that if I signed up quickly and made into basic training this week then I would be guaranteed a spot on the next troop rotation to Afghanistan.

I know you must be hurt and confused, for that I am sorry, but these events will define our generation and I have to be part of that. I can't sit around in school like everybody else and just talk about changing the world.

Don't worry about me, I have not just joined the infantry. The recruiter told me that my education meant I was entitled to join the Parachute Regiment (which means I will be safer).

Mum, I hope I have not broke your heart to much and please tell Dad to be proud of me. We need to fight and it cannot always be someone else's son.

I will be home in 8 months for that pot roast I love so much.

Love you both,

Pte James MacAdams (US Army)

Mom and Dad,
I have some good, and some bad, news. I'm dropping out of school. While enjoyable at times, I simply cannot make enough money to support a new wife while going to school.
Yes you read that correctly, I got married last Thursday here in Vegas. It was a divine ceremony with three Elvis' and some guy named Super-Dave.
I got a job here as a dealer at Circus Circus, and we are looking at apartments tomorrow. She’s a wonderfully lovely lady who swept me off my feet last Monday. I hope we can come for a visit soon.

Love,
Julie

P.S. Dad you’ll love her, she has amazing boobies!

Dear Mom,

Please read this letter in the other room, by yourself. I know Dad will overreact, no matter how I word it. Last fall, when I first started here, I went to some of the Frosh-week parties. I got a little drunk, a little friendly and by the end of the evening I was more than a little popular. Suffice it to say, in two months you are going to be a grandmother. I'm leaving school now to make arrangements for prenatal classes and an apartment off-campus. I know dad had his heart set on my joining the bar, like him, to defend the rights of underage victims, but the only part of that in my future will be underage parenthood. There is a lot we need to talk about, starting with who the father of my baby is -- because I honestly do not know. Other than that one night, I haven't had any other partners, so I think it is only between two or three possible guys, but to tell the complete truth.... there are parts of that night I don't remember.

Please don't disown me, I need you now more than ever!
Your loving daughter,
Candice

Dear Mom & Dad,
Today, I stand at a crossroad in life. And as cliché as that may sound, I need you to take that in the most literal way. You see, I dropped out of college to pursue my lifelong ambition of figuring out how they put the figs in the middle of Fig Newtons and now, I’m in the middle of the road wondering how to get out of these stinkin’ cornfields that are, I think, somewhere in Iowa. And I already know what you are thinking: “But you’re only one class short of graduation!” and “Iowa?!” Yeah, Iowa… don’t ask. But, I do believe that by chasing my Fig Newton dreams, I’m enabling myself to do things I never thought possible! Such as eating those packaged products that gas stations attempt to call hamburgers, laughing until I pee myself in a crowded parking lot, and spending my lifesavings attempting to beat the person known only as “BIG” on Galaga… And I know you would agree that these are true accomplishments in life! I know you’re proud of me and I’d like to thank you for helping direct me to the right paths in life… Thanks again.

Dearest Parents,

It is with subsequent regret that I have to inform you of my imminent departure from the restrictions of the private educational system. I fear that the curriculum no longer holds any potential for further learning; the past months have been increasingly filled with tedious meanderings through subjects already comprehensively covered within my extracurricular lessons.

Please do not feel apprehensive about my future, I have endeavoured to find a new source of learning. By the time you read this correspondence I will have enrolled in the “School of Life” where I hope to find a refreshing new outlook within the exciting courses such as "The Missus is up the Duff, Avoiding the CSA in Three Easy Steps" and "Burberry, the Attire of Chav”. As I am certain you will appreciate, the anticipation is somewhat overwhelming, my only concern is locating the centre of learning as it is merely referred to as “The Street”.

I will write again in the near future with a concise report of my progress, for now I will simply sign off by using an amusing new term from the lexicon I am striving to perfect.

Word to the Mother (and father of course)

William.

Mom,
I have decided to leave school to fulfill my dreams of becoming a famous equestrian!
You might ask why I had to drop school. Only one answer, it just got in the way!
You dont need to be smart to ride horses, you just need a horse, tack, clothes, and a lot of money.
By the way can I have a horse, some tack, riding clothes, and a lot of money

your loving daughter,
Morgan