You’re leaving us, oh happy day
You’ve got another job
I never liked you anyway
You’ve always been a snob

When passing in the hallway
You’d never say hello
Your laughter was a donkey’s bray
You always had B.O.

Your emails were like little turds
Your grammar was so poor
There, they’re and their are different words
As well as you’re and your.

You never had nice things to say
You loved to pitch a fit
I’m glad you’re going far away
I won’t miss you one bit!

Front: You Graduated!

Inside:
Congratulations this momentous day,
You've graduated, and may we just say,
It's no mean feat, we thought you were doomed.
When you were held back while other kids bloomed.

Never a scholar, you still perservered
in smoking, and ditching, and just being weird.
But still, here we are, you made it at last.
Got over your hangups, and conquered your past.

So here's to you, nephew, you're finally through.
Diploma in hand, what a glorious coup.
And should they discover you hacked the DBs.
Don't worry, you can still find a job at McDs.

Front of card:
Congratulations!

Inside of card:
For taking third place at the Akron Regional
Dungeons & Dragons Costume Contest in the
category of "Single Men Between the Ages of
35-40"

And I said you'd never amount to anything.
Sis

We all know you cannot smile.
The Botox made that so.
Old age is met with denial,
When you’re synthetic from head to toe.
But even though you have infection,
At least you smoothed out imperfection.
Sucked and tucked and filled with plastic,
We all think you look fantastic!

Congratulations on your Cosmetic Surgery!

Inside card:

Been waiting to tell you this
For oh, so long
Just needed the right card
Because the others were wrong

I don’t care that it’s your birthday
Nor how old you are
I didn’t bake you a cake
Nor buy you a car (as if!)

I don’t give a crap about your special day
I just want to say, you really suck
You’re my boss, they told me to buy a card
But the truth is, I don’t give a ... (oops, I mean they’re serving duck, in the cafeteria)

Hope you choke on it.

Love, your peon

Inside card:

To a dear friend

Congratulations on your magical day,
Though to be brutally honest; your dress was cliché
And was only upstaged by that awful bouquet
And your overdone make-up looked like paper maiche.

You vowed to honour, to love and obey
I hope the same can be said of your ex-fiancé
You see to succeed in his job he has to portray
That he’s a good loving husband, but the truth is he’s gay.

Wishing you all the best with your marriage of convenience

Inside card:

You acted like a witch for most of my life
You screamed and yelled, caused all kinds of strife
You said, "Wear this, do that!" and I hated your guts
When you grounded me from everything, I swore you were nuts

Then a few years ago, I had my own son
One day we disagreed; he thought that he’d won
Just to assert my authority, I grounded him too
And then realized belatedly, I’d turned into you

Happy Mother’s Day!

Inside card:

We’ve been closer than brothers, since the day you were born
There were those times in your bedroom, and the (many) times with the porn
We’ve been your closest allies, though we got you in trouble
What can we say? In your case, we’ve been there on the double

So you’re done with us, but truthfully, we’re done with you too
We’re tired of being at the ready, beaten until we’re blue
Though you’ve used and abused us, we still sure had fun
But now we must go, we’ve had a good run

Happy Vasectomy!
Love, your sperm

Front of card:
My Sympathies

Inside of card:
I hear you have Alzheimer's

I hear you have Alzheimer's

I hear you have Alzheimer's

Front of card:

Thank you!

Inside of card:

For going back to school. Now, Mommy can have cocktails for lunch 5 days a week.