Wheeling, WV -- Mayor William "Billy Bob" Thurwood returned Wednesday evening from a two week diversity sensitivity training seminar in New York City. He rated the event as "positive" and "helpful."

As you should recall, Thurwood found himself in a maelstrom of controversy last month when statements he made at a benefit for local police came under fire by the Anti-Defamation League.

Officers were informed by Thurwood to be "suspicious of any of these Arabs you see wearing them turnips on their heads." He continued, saying, "Hey, I know Cassius Clay was a good boxer and all, but he wasn't God; and I certainly don't recall him ever telling no one to fly no airplane into a building."

In a statement made to reporters last night, the mayor claimed that the seminar itself wasn't nearly as effective as his experience spending time in the big city.

"They got one of them underground trolley systems there," Thurwood explained, "and there's all kinds of colored folks riding it. They didn't really seem so uppity after all."

When asked what diversity meant to him, the mayor responded, "I saw an oriental fellow playing an accordian. I never heard of such a thing. If that ain't diversity, I don't know what is."

His most enlightening moment, he claimed, occurred his final day of the trip. "As I was leaving the hotel," said Thurwood, "a white guy lifted my wallet. So the way I reckon, that just goes to show you can't trust nobody."

CHILD MAYOR RAPS TURNIPS, CITIZENS REJOICE

Skippy Billingsworth, 8, campaigning yesterday for his second term as Mayor of Chuckiecheeses Township, appears to have built an insurmountable lead over his nearest opponent, nine year old Scooter Freeman, with an impassioned plea for the elimination of a despised vegetable during mealtimes. Speaking to a crowd of enthusiastic pre-schoolers from the rear of a climb-aboard FunTimes Trolley in Rotary PlayPark, Billingsworth set the mood for the remainder of the campaign by reminding the faithful that “turnips get mixed in with the cranberry sauce all the time, and it’s gross. We don’t want orange stuff on our food because it looks like number two and it tastes yucky.” The incumbent Mayor’s speech was interrupted on several occasions with chants of “Turnips Suck! Turnips Suck!” from the highly partisan crowd.

Responding to critics who fear that a wholesale turnip cutback will damage revenues from the cash crop throughout the area, Billingsworth repeated his proposal that turnips be served adjacent to a main meal, preferably afterwards, and always in a mashed state. He challenged detractors to “show me a child in his pre-adult tooth years who doesn’t love to mush vegetables into his hair,” adding that children get extra pleasure from this activity when it involves a food that is as widely reviled as turnips. He went on to suggest to pro-turnip activists that they “shouldn’t be surprised if turnips sales actually experience an upswing, given that it is a vegetable that is destined to find its way to the dining room floor eventually, and Moms are not going to tolerate dried turnip cleanup forever. So, let’s put it in our hair instead. We’re all going to have baths later anyway.”

Freeman is expected to try and bolster his flagging campaign by coming out against accordions.

ANGRY MAYOR WARNS PRANKISH CITIZENS: STOP

Sherman Mayor F. H. Leghorn called an emergency press conference Monday to address ongoing concern over practical jokes. “This prank wave just frosts my trolley! With the turnips ripe and ready for harvest, we cannot afford to be distracted now,” the Mayor said.

The wave of practical jokes began on April 1, when unknown perpetrators switched the signs on the local K-Mart and Walmart. Since then, practical jokes have grown to be a daily occurrence.

Prank phone calls have also multiplied. The local Hastings bookstore has a sign posted that reads, “We do not carry any books by Seymour Butz or I. P. Freeley.” And as of last week, all local tobacco dealers have stopped carrying Prince Albert in the can.

“It’s time for a return to sanity,” the Mayor pleaded. “Plastic dog droppings now outnumber actual dog droppings in the city of Sherman by a factor of more than two-to-one!”

Asked if he has personally been the victim of any practical jokes, the Mayor said yes, revealing that his car radio now only plays accordion music. The Mayor concluded his remarks by stating “Yes, my refrigerator is running, but I will not again be tricked into trying to catch it before it gets away!”

Missoula, MO -- The county's fund raising bake sale has come and gone, and the state fair is still months away. City officials have been scrambling for ways to keep themselves occupied.

"We've been in development for quite awhile now," said city planning commissioner, Dale Granby. "Trying to find a way to organize our town has been of vital importance to us." They'd planned to have everything put into place before the Antique Accordion Collectors Convention at Best Western Grant Creek Inn in June.

Meetings have been held over the past several weeks to discuss various methods of sorting town records.

Mayor Clint Torrance, however, felt a need to take matters into his own hands.

"It just made sense to me," Torrance was quoted as saying. "I simply arranged the census data from A to Z by people's last names. Why nobody thought of it before is beyond me."

The task was apparently not as daunting as Torrance initially anticipated. "There's a population of just over 57,000 here," he said, "but fortunately there's only about 83 last names. Only took an hour or so."

Officials from city planning, however, are not amused.

"We're angry that he took it upon himself to do this," said Granby. "He doesn't have that kind of authority."

The mayor takes the criticism in stride. "Listen, they ain't the brightest turnips to fall off the trolley," said Torrance. "Sometimes if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself."

Mayor McCheese courtesy Stock Photo Archive

Recently labeled “The Fattest City in the U.S.” by Newsweek, Houston has become a focal point for anti-fast-food protest groups.

A recent McDonalds restaurant opening in the Houston area drew so many protesters that they had to be brought in on a special trolley. Mayor McCheese, official spokesman for McDonalds (the world’s largest fast food restaurant franchise), delivered a blistering denouncement of parents with obese children.

“McDonalds isn’t the problem”, claimed McCheese in his speech, “lack of exercise is the problem. Get their fat little fannies off the couch. If they exercise, they can eat whatever they want. Even something simple like playing the accordian a couple of hours a week will burn enough calories to keep the weight off.”

When asked if McDonalds would ever stop selling burgers in favour of healthier foods, McCheese replied “When you come to McDonalds, you get fast food, not turnips. Deal with it.”

“We’re furious”, exclaimed Sam “Bubba” Little, spokesman for Parents Against Fat Food, a citizen’s action group putting pressure on the fast food industry. “They flood the television with ads that brainwash our kids into eating their food. My son sees up to thirty McDonalds commercials in the eight or nine hours of television he watches every day. You can’t tell ME that this constant barrage of advertising has no impact on him.”

Asked about the scuffle that followed Mayor McCheese’s speech, Little replied “My lawyer said not to talk about it. I'll just say that Mayor McCheese had no right to criticize our parenting. And that if you show up on a hot day in Houston with a cheeseburger for a head and you DESERVE to get eaten.”

Hi im kevin and in the first grade and they askt me to right an artikal for the skool news-paper so i think ill do that becus they asked me so nicely and yeah.

To-day i asked my mommy wat month it was becus i forgot agane and she told me it was may but then she said it was april but then i told her she said it was may first and she said she was miss-taken but i didnt no wat to think so i asked my frend gary wat month he thot it was and he said “i think its june becus its warm and the warm wether usuely turnips in june” but then i told him it cood be warm in april and he said no it coodnt so i hit him and he cried and the prinsipal called my mom and i was in trubble for the day becus accordian to my prinsipal i hit him “without reason” (my mom spelt that for me) and i said that i hit him becus he was stoopid and that made gary cry agane but its ok becus he crise all the time like this 1 time he cride becus he herd a bell and it was loud and it scared him but i herd the same bell from the trolley and it didnt scare me at all so i think that gary is just a big fat stoopid crybaby but its ok becus hes my frend and he lets me eat his lunch sum-times so i like him i gess and besides 1 time he gave me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle TM acshun figure for my burthday.

My mom just told me use spell chekker. I dunno wat that meens.

By Anita Goode-Mandelay
Wilkes Barre Gazette
Published 4/27/2004

Dunmore, PA -- Many area residents had already been up in arms since the controversial, surprise November election of 15-year-old Travis Metzger as the city's highest ranking official. Outrage was sparked, however, when our new mayor was asked to comment on his new position at a brief press conference yesterday.

"It's kinda cool," Metzger said in a statement, "but city hall's got that 'old people' smell." When asked to elaborate further, he added, "I dunno why they smell funny, they just do. My office stinks like rotten turnips and Ben Gay."

A protest is expected to gather late this afternoon, led by area resident and senior citizen Miles Henrickson, 74. "I've been invited to play accordion at every innauguration for the past 20 years, " Henrickson said. "I knew this kid was going to be trouble the day I found out I was replaced by a Linkin Park cover band."

The mayor was later asked whether he had concerns over the planned demonstrations. "Nah, dude, I think I'll get a kick out of it," said Metzger. "It should be pretty funny listening to them holler at me while they trolley around on their little scooters."

IRONS, SASKATCHEWAN: Mayor Harold Humber organized a town meeting on Wednesday to call into question the “coolness” of the Octown area.

Humber pointed out a study done by SaskStat, showing the region to have the most accordion players per capita in North America. The Marawachipee Vegetable Festival, the largest tourist attraction in the Octowns, is also mentioned as a problem.

“Lameness like eating turnips and playing accordions is not what I want my region to be known for,” Humber said to the crowd. “We need to spice this place up.”

Adolescents in the Octowns are said to have influenced the mayor’s decision as well. The younger population has been dwindling in the towns as younger families and high school graduates move off to find jobs in bigger cities to the south.

“The world is like a high school,” Humber was quoted as saying later. “It’s about time we started fitting in with the rest of the students.”

The region has taken the news to heart, stating that their way of life is something to be proud of, instead of criticized.

Rain River mayor Jennifer Laroux feels like one of the victims of Humber’s speech. Along with being an avid accordion player, her yard is the site of a full-scale tribute to Mr. Rogers’ Land of Make-Believe, complete with models of every character, and a track for a working replica of Trolley to manoeuvre.

“I think the towns are fine,” says Laroux. “[Humber] thinks he’s better than us, having been raised in Saskatoon. Because of it, he’s lost the respect of his voters, and his peers.”

Aside from the debating, no plans have been made by the Town Hall to make the Octowns a cooler place to live. Rumours of an eight-town amalgamation remain unconfirmed.

HATED MAYOR DIES HORRIBLY, CITIZENS REJOICE

FUENTE OVEJUNA, Spain - Long hated and feared tyrant, Jorge Arbusto Calatrava, was killed by an angry mob outside his mansion yesterday. Incensed by the Mayor’s alleged continued blatant disregard for his citizens, hundreds of townsfolk stormed the mayoral villa and tore him limb from limb in a gruesome display of mob violence.

“He deserved it,” said one woman who asked not to be named. She smiled as she thrust her bloodied fist into the air. “Viva la Fuente Ovejuna!”

Tensions began to rise in the small hamlet soon after the arrival of the newly appointed Mayor. Although never elected, Calatrava was first welcomed by the citizenry, who lavished the mayor with gifts of produce; including an entire trolley full of turnips from one generous farmer.

However, things soon took a turn for the worst.

Shortly after Calatrava took office, allegations of corruption, misappropriation of funds and sexual abuse emerged. Calatrava’s response was to use military force to arrest and torture anyone who spoke against him.

Charges of his rampant graft and outright theft destroyed the local economy and put undue burden on the taxpayers he was sworn to represent. Emotions came to a head when a local woman, América Libertad, 21, accused him of kidnapping and raping her.

“I’ve never seen anything like it ”, said Gilbert Damon, 47, who witnessed the horrific yet joyous scene from the back of the teeming crowd.

“The people just rose up.”

After the melee, joyous citizens sang in the street, some accompanied on guitar and accordion by local musicians.

“He’s evil ,” said Barrildo Rosa, 33, of Fuente Ovejuna. “I’m glad he’s gone.”

The government is expected to launch a full investigation into the matter.

Lope de Vega, special correspondent for the London Times.