5. "Shhh! Maybe we can fix everything before they get up."

4. "I found a Facebook page with Daddy on it, but he has a different name and another family!"

3. "Where do we keep the fire extinguisher?"

2. "Just which part of 'fifty yards away at all times' don't you understand?"

1. "Red-rum! Red-rum! Red-RUM!"

5. I didn't mean to push it ALL the way up my nose.
4. Look way up here, grandma...watch me fly!
3. We didn't get ice cream 'cause daddy said you're getting fat.
2. Don't be mad, okay?
1. Wake up mommy - I opened the door and the baby got out.

5. Daddy, you don't need to give your computer 'time to cool off' anymore. We had some ice in the freezer.

4. Daddy, I heard that school is 'merely one of many brainwashing machines disguised as socially benefiting institutions that do no more than quash the true freedom of the human soul'. Is it?

3. Mummy, Billy's Dad wears the same skirt as you.

2. Daddy, I asked a few people on facebook, no-one else has the same credit card number as you!

1. Mummy, I took those white, toy mice you have in your handbag to play with at Billy's today.

5. Don’t eat those chips, Dad. Your natural cushion is big enough already. (Said while playing a board game with the extended family.)

4. Are you ok, Mama? You woke me up making those funny noises. Was Daddy hurting you? (Mama wasn’t dreaming...)

3. Mommy, I ate some of Daddy's little blue candies and now my weewee feels funny. (While mother-in-law is sipping tea next to you.)

2. Look, she’s wearing the clothes we gave away to the poor! (In a loud voice at the grocery store.)

1. That lady eats all her potatoes, doesn’t she, Mama? (Pointing to a large woman at the restaurant who just happens to be a colleague.)

5.) The cool kid at school said you're lame, and he must be right because he's the cool kid.
4.) This show sucks! Can't I watch a plotless, braindead cartoon instead?
3.) Please tell me about your childhood so I can make obligatory dinosaur jokes.
2.) Oh, you spent years learning another language? Big deal, I can burp the alphabet.
1.) SUPERMAN was your childhood hero? Please! Spongebob beats him any day of the week.

Standing in the shopping line, my daughter points to the condoms' section and asks: (#5) “mom, what is that used for?” I blush, turning as red as the tomato sauce bottle I’m holding. I look around to make sure the whole shop didn’t hear the awkward question that should be dealt with in the birds-and-bees conversation at home.

(#2) “You said the other day it’s a pencil case, but dad said it’s used for keeping cucumbers clean.” My daughter continues, unbeknownst to the curious customers turning to look at us.

(#3) “And grandma said that that’s why I’m here because you didn’t use it”

The frown wrinkled onto her forehead. (#4) “but Sarah at school said, it’s used for sex.”

My daughter looked up at me and with honesty reflecting over her childlike face she asked: (#5) “mom… What’s sex?”

5: I'm pregnant.
4: I want to kill myself.
3: I never want to see or hear from you again.
2: I wish you were dead!
And the number one thing that I would never want to hear my child say...
I hate you!

"So THAT'S what you two get upto after you tuck me up in bed!"
"Teacher told me I had to eat my greens - so I picked my nose and ate it in front of her"
"Which one of you is my "daddy"? "
"Teacher said if I keep playing with it, it'll fall off!"
"I put the goldfish in the washing machine because he needed cleaning..."

1. Daddy! Mom says I have another father!
2. Can I have friends over for waterboarding?
3. You didn't read to me last night. Now I am depressed.
4. I peed on your boss.
5. My teacher told me that my problems in school probably origins from lack of love as a baby. What did she mean with that?