Dear Sliced Bread,
We find it hard to live up to your reputation.
Sincerely,
Everything Since.

Dear Pen,
You're not as big as people say you are.
Seriously,
Sword

Dear Vincent,
Body parts rarely impress the ladies. Try flowers.
Sincerely,
Theo

Dear Butch,
Why didn't we just sneak out the back door?
Yours,
Sundance

Dear Mr. Paul:

We believe that your collection of letters is not suitable for our publication. Perhaps changing names such as 'Ephesians' to something more well known might interest people in reading them.

The Editors

Dear Quint,
When I tell you we gotta get a bigger boat, get a bigger boat.
Yours,
Brody

Dear Clark,
You should consider a fake mustache. The glasses aren’t fooling anyone.
Love,
Lois

Dear Keanu,
One “Matrix” movie is enough. Really.
Sincerely,
Everyone

Dear Bill,
I bought some cigars for you. Enjoy!
Love,
Hillary

Dear Mr. Sheen,

In response to your request, we regret to inform you that we have no plans to begin carrying tiger blood.

Sincerely,
PETCO