Scientific Earthlings,

I’ve just been notified through the celestial grapevine that your inferior planet has downgraded me to “Dwarf Planet” status.

That’s cold!

Your planet’s inhabitants named a cartoon dog after me; is that not a sign of utmost cosmic rapport?

In response to your selfish actions, your entire planet will pay considerably. I have changed my gravitational pull 1/42 of an intergalactic meter. A small, but certainly influential amount—I assure you.

This action will destroy your terrible little planet on Earth date: 12.21.2012. Trust me, I triple checked my space math. Earth’s demise is utterly irreversible.

Not bad for a “Dwarf Planet.”

I hope you all enjoy disintegrating in our unforgiving Sun,

Pluto
The Almighty 9th Planet

Dearest Pluto,

We have made a grave mistake.

The fall intern scientist misplaced a decimal—but with so many on them—you’ll understand.

Anyhoo, it turns out that you’re actually a real planet.

The entire world population is very sorry for this tiny misunderstanding, and we all hope this has not damaged humankind’s relationship with you.

Enclosed is a signed photograph of “Pluto the Pup,” which we just know will fix everything.

Hope to see you soon,

The International Astronomical Union

To whom it may concern,

Thank you for repairing my car so quickly the other day. My engine is now purring like a kitten and the new brakes you installed no longer squeak. I am going to test out my beast down Windy Hill Mountain tomorrow. The weather forecast is bleak but with my new racing brakes, what can go wrong?

Thanks again!
Mike Aristurbo

Dear Mr Aristurbo,

We have not been able to get in contact with you due to a disconnected phone so do hope you receive this mail before taking your car for any long drives. The brakes we installed have just been recalled by the manufacturer stating that they will not grip in high pressure situations (Such as downhill driving) so please bring your car to us ASAP and we will replace free of charge.

Kind Regards,
Braking Things Car Repairs

Lord,

I have prepared the masses for the coming Rapture on May 21, 2011 as the bible has instructed. Signs have been put up, buses painted, posters made, and we all await the great event.

Your faithful servant;

Harold Camping

Dear Mr Camping:

Due to technical difficulties, the Rapture, originally scheduled for May 21, 2011 has been postponed to May 21, 3011. Candidate souls will continue to be processed in the normal fashion until that time.

Heaven regrets the inconvenience this may cause.

Sincerely;

St. Peter
VP, Earthly Relations

After review of your ransom note for my dear wife, I wish to decline your offer. My wife as much as I do love her can be quite a nag, and frankly you have done me one of the greatest favors of my life. Since she has been gone I been able to host a poker night, watch Monday night football (while enjoying more than 1 beer), and smoke cigars in the house. I will keep your contact info in the event I cannot operate the washer or I become sick of hungry-man dinners. Thanks again, and I do you wish you the best with your criminal endeavors.
Joe

Joe,
As per my demand in $50,000 I may have been far too greedy. I understand that it can be difficult to raise that kind of funds on short notice, I have not heard from you in 3days and assume that it may be an issue with money. Currently I will lower said ransom to $138 (bus fare) if we can resolve this today. Your wife’s presence has made it virtually impossible to plan and execute other criminal acts and I need this kidnapping off the books.
Kidnapper

December 26

Dear Santa,

How are you? I’m not so fine.

I’m writing to say I noticed you didn’t come to my house yesterday. I was very disappointed. This was the first year I tried to get on your “good” list, but it seems you’ve overlooked me.

Well, I guess I wasn’t really overlooked. The coal in my stocking was duly noted.

I have to admit, Santa, your oversight on my goodness bothered me so much that I immediately told my younger sister that you don’t exist. She cried, and yes, I felt better. I then deliberately broke my neighbor’s new bike, and afterward gleefully dumped a bucket of nails in my principal’s driveway.

If being good has no reward, I have to say, being bad is much more fun.

Sincerely,
Kevin

Dear Kevin,

We regret to inform you that due to a clerical error, you were mis-categorized this year. To rectify our mistake, we offer you one wish, good for whatever you would like.

In order to claim this reward all you have to do is remain on our “good” list for one more day, that is, today, December 26. That shouldn’t be hard for a boy who’s made such an effort this entire year.

Sincerely,
Santa, Inc.

Dear Mum.

Great news! I have finally met the girl of my dreams!

She’s so beautiful and there was an instant connection. We’ve fallen headlong in love and I’m totally smitten. We are going to elope tomorrow, so as you read this I will be sitting on a beach with my new wife. I’m sure you’ll love her, you met her briefly at that party back in January.

Your loving son, Tony

My dearest Tony,

This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write, but I just had to tell you. You remember the young lady at the party back in January, well I was sure I recognised her.
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but a long time ago your father and I had a big fight. Your ”˜Uncle’ Jim took me dancing and drinking, and well, one thing let to another.
Well it turns out the girl at the party was the outcome of that night. I’m sure your ashamed of me, I’m ashamed of myself, but I’m also so excited. I have a daughter and you a sister! I can’t wait to introduce you and get to know her better.

Love you, Mum

Dear Family and Friends,

We completely rented out Build-a-Bear workshop next weekend to celebrate our soon to be son and his coming to America!

Best,
Smith Family

Dear Smith Family,

Ethan is very excited to go on his first plane ride! He said, "I never thought I would ever do this after being forced to work in that factory!"

Sincerely,
Adoption Agency

Tammy writes William:

William,

Look man, what happened between us was groovy, but you know what kind of chick I am. This whole relationship thing just ain’t happenen. You know how I was pregnant? Well, I took myself to the doc’s and now I’m not anymore. Can you dig it? I’m gonna go finish my vodka and cigarette.

Peace Out,
Tammy

The following day she receives this letter from William:

Tammy,
I’ve found out some trippy news babe. The doc told me I have some new disease and that I’m terminally ill or somethin like that. He said there’s not much they can do for me here so I’m going to do my best to find a cure, even if that means goin to a third world country! Now, I know I’ve never told you before, probably ”˜cause we were both toasted most of the time, but I’m very wealthy. If anything should happen to me, this child will inherit all I have and everything I own. So, do me a solid babe and make sure this baby is well taken care of. Until then, catch ya on the flipside!

William

To:Mellisa

Hey Mellisa you were right I
Dont think we should argue
anymore... Im sorry. I
want to work things out.
Forgive me?
$NaVyG$

Call back#:7363578328
Sent: 10:30pm
Recieved: 10:32pm

To:Levi

Im done with our relationship
We should start seeing other
people.. Its just we argue wayy
to much. Hope we can still be
friends! Love Ya!
*~M.J.C~*

Call Back#:7362498311
Sent: 10:29 pm
Recieved: 10:31pm