I am Tedius, God of the Middle Passage. I am the bringer of wisdom, the bearer of the wage, and the breaker of dreams. In my name shall ye purchase motorcycles, conduct extra-marital affairs, and learn to play the first few chords of Heartbreak Hotel at the age of 45. Sacrifice unto me your last morsel of humour and I shall bestow upon ye in my eternal generosity the secret of the ultimate futility and hopelessness of the human race, and the knowledge of your place within a pointlessly finite universe. In my name shall ye wear beige slacks and burn the incense of Old Spice, although I’m willing to be flexible on the building and maintaining of dedicated sculptural erections. Go forth, and stultify.

Memorandum
CC: ALL (In-office use only)

12 August 2011

Good morning, Tedious Corp, Inc. members. This is an official notice that Chuck Weasling, former VP of Accounting, has been promoted to Deity of Operations.

His Most Holy Chuck has been part of our Tedious Corp, Inc. family for 17 years, and is coming to us from Boca Raton. It is He who is omniscient and will maintain oversight of the McDaly office-copier contract from 2009. Tomorrow at lunch, there will be a congratulatory sacrifice of an unlovingly-purchased stale cake from the nearest grocer deli, followed by obligatory applause and an awkward silence for Him.

Prokrastinatēs (Πρoκραστινετης) is the Greek god of delay, sloth and putting things off. Nearly everyone participates in his rituals at one time or another, though few in this modern age are aware of his name. At universities, observances of Prokrastinatēs are frequently combined with celebrations of Dionysos.

Ms.Painterius - The Goddess of MSPaint. The youngest of the Gods, she is looked at with much humor as she guides her followers into creating images in her likeness. Her followers assume her gushing praise is in honor of their skill.

This Goddess is depicted in statues as wearing a blindfold.

Erratum Letalis: The God of PCs. Be careful, he is a vengeful God. If you are foolish enough to let Erratum Letalis know how much your current project means to you, this jealous God will cause your PC to crash and will ensure that your work cannot be recovered.

Sawftuchus ("soff-touch-uss") is the god of gentle, absorbent toilet tissue. The most fervent prayers to Sawftuchus are heard in public restrooms. Despite popular folk etymologies claiming otherwise, Sawftuchus's name is not related to the Yiddish word tuchus ("took-iss") meaning buttocks; the similarity of spelling is merely a coincidence.

See also Aufallstenchinnere, the god of lingering lavatory odors.

Oh dear One,
I ask that You look the other way today as I travel Your roads
I ask not to be remembered in Your thoughts as You oversee that traffic jam
I ask not to be blessed in Your divinity as that sinkhole erupts
I ask not to be looked upon as those police officers pull over speeders
I ask You nothing, as You are Inertia, the Goddess of long commutes
I especially don't ask You to allow me to make it out the door before that jerk next door who drives the same route, who stops at every yellow light, and who hasn't yet figured out how to navigate a four-way-stop nor how to properly merge onto a crowded highway, because asking You to allow me to be out the door before him would be tantamount to asking You to change your name to Flo.
(Get the semi-pun there?)
Crap. That was sacrilegious. Oh dear One, forget You ever heard of me. I'm not supposed to be praying to You anyway, not if I want to make it to work on time.

Votificus Loballicus - Goddess of low ball voting. She promises high scoring and virtual medals. Though a known liar among the deities, she still somehow maintains a large following.

All hail Tog, the deity of Duvets
Thou shalt be hung on the Line of Airing
and be anoited in the Conditioner of Fabric
before I layth in thy sweet encompassing Fluff of Depth
at the end of hours.

Amen

Generally associated with running shoes, gym socks, and work boots, Podiaroma is a decidedly-unwelcome deity who, since the advent of footwear, has afflicted unsuspecting mortals--particularly those prone to excessive foot moisture or who work in hot environments--with her unseen, malodorous presence.