My Hidden Treasure of Fallujah
By Rocky Way

This charming bistro is on a quiet side street just off Habibi Avenue, the main thoroughfare running through the upscale “Relatively Intact” district of Fallujah. Upon entering, I found myself bathed in old-world charm. Earthtones coordinated perfectly with the blast damage and holes in the walls. The table I was seated at, which required only the merest touch of my foot to keep it from toppling over, had a lovely a view of the street. I order a toasted crust of bread appetizer and a glass of Eau de Faucet, both served quickly and politely by a waiter who seemed almost scared of not providing the best service. Well, scared of something, at any rate.

As I enjoyed the crispy appetizer, a man approached me from the kitchen to inform me that I was being designated a “hostage,” a courtesy afforded all the “infidel imperialist dog” guests in the cafe. He escorted me to a cozy room in the basement and provided me with a comfortable blindfold of silk or silk blend and a chilled pair of handcuffs, which he fitted on my wrists himself. Although I can’t say for certain, not having been able to see, I believe I was left alone in this room for several hours.

At last, the truth dawned on me! These clever rascals had figured out that I was a travel writer, and took me to a Bed & Breakfast they wanted to promote! A little underhanded, perhaps, but I was willing to give it a try.

I slept well on the plank bed in my room, and in the morning received a bowl of the most delightful home-made gruel. I found that not being able to see it only heightened my enjoyment. Gruelicious! By the way, the plank bed did wonders for my back. I recommend them to anyone with back problems.

My surprises were not over for the day. A while later, a television crew came by to tape what I think was an audition for a local television program. I can’t say I agreed with my character’s lines – they were pretty anti-American, actually – but I can’t hope helping I get the role. From travel writer to television star! Why not?

I stayed at the bed and breakfast for a few days, sampling a variety of local delicacies, primarily more of those wonderful gruels. Also, one of the amenities offered daily was something I have dubbed “percussive deep-tissue massage.” I admit, they left me rather sore for a few days, but I am sure they are highly therapeutic.

Unfortunately, my stay was interrupted by members of the American military, who dragged me bodily from the charming B&B. I wasn’t even able to thank my hosts! They took me back to their base and made me eat Army rations (yuck!) but I knew I would soon find my way back to the Haddad Café, my hidden treasure of Fallujah.

Received as an unsolicited mail out.

Tired of the drudgery of everyday morality?
Does the thought of spending eternity sitting in the clouds singing make you cringe?
Why not choose Eternal Damnation?
Choose now where to send your soul for your after life adventures.

Just imagine basking in the glow of the fields of brimstone, staked to the ground while vultures pick you bones.
Or take a swim in the burning lakes of fire while you listen to the cries of the damned.

If communing with nature is not your thing, you can choose to visit the solitary torments of your own mind.
Boredom won't be a issue as you relive all the horrible things in your life over and over again.

Now, if your not into torments of the mind, why not enjoy physical torments?
Writhe in agony as your skin is flayed from your body and red hot nails are driven deep into your flesh.
You and those around you will be able to see the joy of your demon tormentors as they rend your body.

Plus, for the very worst of you, the oath breakers and traitors, we have ICE!
Fields of ice and snow where you will sit, frozen for all eternity unable to close your eyes or move as you watch the outcome of all your treachery.

So, choose now where you want to go.
Live your life so you can get down here.
Remember our convenient payment plan.
Buy now and Pay Forever.

Seen it all? Been everywhere? Well, I can guarantee you haven’t been here!

Trying to find that once in a lifetime getaway? I think we at Worth1000 have found it for you.

This majestic 200 acre getaway is located close to a sprawling city with every convenience known to man. (Simply a 2 hour drive east after an hour of scenic beauty north)

Tired of feeling your children don’t appreciate what they have? Bring them here and they’ll never complain again! Never hear another whiny “I want”.

How much would you pay for that?

Well for a low down payment of $4,000.00 and monthly installments of $300.00 (It’s less than your car payment) for 2 years. You and your family can and will experience a once in a lifetime opportunity. (Health certificates signed and notarize by your physician are mandatory with registration)

I guarantee an experience you’ll be telling friends about for years. (Life expectancy not guaranteed. Refunds at sole discretion of proprietor, when he’s found).

Your vacation starts as your plane touches down at a private airport close to your destination. Before your plane taxi’s up to its gate a stewardess will pop a side emergency hatch, releasing the emergency chute. She’ll hand you a backpack and help you disembark. (Remember, tuck and roll as the plane will be moving.)

Next, your to run straight for the nearest fence opening. (You don’t need a passport for this vacation delight.) If no fence opening, wire cutters are located in backpack. (Don’t lose the backpack!)

Once the shooting stops and you no longer hear dogs howling (I told you it was a private airport.) remove map from backpack and adjust your path to that directed on the map. (Compass provided.)

Their luscious property offers many learning experiences and as I don’t wish to ruin your surprise and delight as your children and spouse learn fortitude and strengthen weakened muscles, I’ll only mention a few of the great attractions you’ll get to experience.

Forests and meadows, mountains and streams, you’ll get to see more in nature in this one vacation than you could possible see in a lifetime of vacations. Cross alligator infested waterways. Grow closer as a family as you strive to survive and keep everyone alive. Watch as wayward teens with attitudes hug you and tremble in fear, looking to you to bring them out in one piece. Never again will they question your curfews or ask you “How come I can’t?” (You’ll find a camera in the backpack for taking pictures to show to their friends.)

Meet Magzon. He’ll stalk you and your family through the forest and try to lead you down dangerous paths. Work together to thwart his attempts at breaking you up.

Avoid quicksand, vampire bats, mosquitos as big as Denver.

Learn to hunt, skin and cook what you kill. Never again will a child whine “We’re having that again?” at the dinner table.

This is one vacation you’ll never forget!

Even if you wanted to!!

Ever wanted to visit a place from the storybooks and movies you enjoyed as a child (and likely still do)? Well, now you can! Nestled away from the well-traveled road lies a realm of enchantment and wonder.

Only recently converted into a hotel resort, our “little” castle is able to house hundreds and meet your every need. Our new ownership is constantly working to improve and renovate the surroundings to serve you better. For example, there once was a lack of water in the area (almost as if the previous owner had a fear of it), but now it’s plentiful. Our servants always have a bucket full of it at hand.

We feature a vast array of attractions for your visiting pleasure, but the current buzz is about our gardens. Our flowers -- particularly our poppies -- will knock you out! We also use their sweet aroma on our pillows and bed sheets, providing our guest with a level of sleep they swear is magical.

We know we’re not your only choice in the area, but we like to think we stand out. That “Emerald Palace” is green because all they care about is your money. And other locations are “exclusive”, often requiring you to join a guild. Meanwhile, we are the epitome of diversity. Between our guest and staff we’ve seen every color of the rainbow pass thru our doors, not to mention playing host to a variety of species.

So bring your family, your friends, and your little dog too, because we are pet-friendly. In fact, we raise and train a top-notch breed of flying monkeys on site. They can give you an aerial tour of the area that you’ll never forget. Or spell out a message in the sky – what better way to show your love? And it’s free of pollution!

And it doesn’t take a college diploma to realize our value; our prices will leave you cackling in glee. So call, write, or e-mail (wwitch@oz.com) us today for a guaranteed one of a kind adventure! Western Castle: There’s no place like home, but we’re the next best thing!

The advertisement seemed too good to be true.

“Travel to Exotic Sites…..FREE”

I somewhat recognized the address, 517 1/2B Maple Street. I found it between an old bookstore and the Flower Mart. It was a narrow dusty door that opened to stairs that steeply escalated into darkness. Strangely, Mr. Witherspoon was waiting for me at the door. I had not called.

As he ascended the stairs, I noticed that his steps were unusual. I couldn’t quite place what was different. He was formally polite, yet distant in his speech. I couldn’t place his accent.

“Our services are unique in nature. We provide travel and a personal experience that you will never forget.” Mr. Witherspoon’s eyes seemed to glow as he explained the program.

He purred as he said, “Let me show you how it works,”

I expected a video when he attached the unusual headset.

“Where do you want to go? What do want to feel?”

An unusual question. I simply replied, “I‘d like to see Machu Picho in Peru.”

“An excellent choice,” he said as he adjusted the machine. “Are you ready?”

“Sure.”

The room began to spin and I felt lightheaded. I felt momentarily detached from my body and then grounded in vivid colors and experience.

I was there. Actually there. I felt the grass under my feet. I could touch the stone walls. I could smell the flowers and feel the mountain mist touching my cheek. I moved my hand to feel the flowers. I shuddered.

It wasn’t my hand.

From an unknown distance I heard Mr. Witherspoon speak.

“As you can see, our services are quite different. Quite simply, you have traveled not only to Machu Pichu, but to another persons body and another time. This body is available for your complete service and satisfaction. This includes people from all ranges of time”

I was there. This was no slide show. These were not ruins. Before I could respond, that feeling came over me again. I was detached and then reattached and back in the office and in my body.

“Our services are quite simple. We enjoy a co-op of sorts. You can trade bodies with others explorers. We feel that it enhances your trip.”

I was stunned, yet hooked. Best of all, it was free. It was just a co-op of sorts. Mr. Witherspoon explained that many people desire the experience of another person. In exchange, someone could borrow my body while I used another body.

Time travel! I couldn’t believe it. My journeys lasted for months, yet only hours. Sometimes, a quick lunch break would last weeks and only cost me minutes.

I’m in Portugal right now. The year is 1643. I wanted to study fine art from the Masters. I was due back two weeks ago, but there was a small problem.

From a distant voice, Mr. Witherspoon explained with a most sorrowful tone.

“I’m sorry, but the current user of your body accidentally broke it. I’m afraid it is beyond repair.”

Are you looking for intrigue? Do you want a little James Bond™ like travel in your life? Then come to Yemen! Located on the south-eastern edge of the Red Sea in the Middle East, Yemen is a literal BLAST to visit. Its warm sunny climate is great for outdoor activities like avoiding landmines at the beaches or fending off carjacking attempts. Why in 1998 alone, 16 Western tourists were kidnapped and this past December seen 3 American missionaries murdered. You can pretend you are a spy just like in the movies, with people hunting you down everywhere!

However, if land sports are not to your liking then they do have water fun too. After all, the dreaded “al-Qaida” is said to have many operatives in Yemen and may have been responsible for the attacks on the USS Cole and a French Oil Tanker there. Between the civil unrest, the crime rates and the open hatred of Westerners you will be dodging from one hotel to the next everyday to keep people guessing. The whole key to your stay will simply be to stay alive until you’re allowed to leave!

BUT WAIT! There’s more!!! Your Western money goes far in Yemen and you can buy many things on the black market to take home. As long as you are in the markets spending your money you are safe* from attack and need only worry about the oppressive heat and unsafe drinking water. So give it some thought. You like adventure and love to save a few bucks. We’ve all gotta die some day, why not risk it in Yemen!

*please note that not all factions may follow this rule

Montezuma’s Revenego Spa, Mexico,

Originally constructed as a 108 suite deluxe motel, the devastating fire of ’99 saw the motel lose about 86% of its private suites. Now the resort boasts the intimacy and private atmosphere normally only afforded to those higher end certified/ lakefront view resorts. If the dangers of the resorts imminent collapse do not frighten you, then relax and enjoy the extravagance of a private twin bed, abundant fresh air and an almost semi-private bathroom. Though the motel cannot guarantee that the washrooms will be in working order, the staff can usually be relied upon to fetch a fresh bucket of water from where the roof is known to leak.

The resorts exclusive executive cafeteria facility offers the latest in Mexican-Italian fusion cooking serving up dinner two to three nights a week. Executive chef Miguel ‘the Hammer’ Mendez learned the fine art of fusion cooking during a five year stint for aggravated assault in one of Mexico’s finest cooking school penitentiaries. I sampled numerous regional specialties during my stay and was amazed at the kitchens consistent ability to enhance all of its dishes with the taste of refried beans. Word of warning to those new to the dining facilities however, best not to complain too loudly as Miguel does tend to have very little patience for criticism.

At only a two minutes trip from the regional airport, the luxurious resort of Montezuma’s will relax and begin working its magic on the weariest of visitors upon arrival. For those visitors who plan of visiting all of the regions local attractions, the nations largest multilane highway is located directly adjacent to the resort (and to be honest, through a good part of it).

Planning on spending you vacation hours staying in the resort (Strongly suggested given the high number of violent crimes in the area)? Let the resorts new full service spa cater to your every superficial whim. The spa operators were eager to introduce me to the resorts many new spa treatments, like the stress releasing deep muscle septic cleansing mud. Imagine yourself waist deep in the resorts septic tank relaxing in 75 years worth of human excrement and you can begin to get a sense of the cleansing power of the spas therapeutic programs. Montezuma’s also prides itself on its new Olympic hot water steam pool. The only pool of its kind in the world, the pool comes from years of research on what to do with the natural spring that was located exactly where the owners wanted the new pool to be built. If you don’t burn easily and are not afraid of surging unpredictable currents then this is the ultimate way to wash away the dirt and biting spiders from the resorts black sand beach nearby.

I found the brochure in my mailbox at work. It was slick and beautiful. The pictured scenery was spectacular. And ohhhhhh, the technology. God, I’m nerd. I’m salivating over the pictures of the servers and PC’s and routers…OH MY! The brochure said the latest technology was at my disposal. Happy, smiling faces of Nerds and Geeks were plastered everywhere!

I had been to summer camp as a child and a mission trip as a teen, but this, oh my! A camp retreat when you’re in Nerd heaven! And the price was just right, only $299.00 for a four week retreat in “An Isolated Crescent of Beauty.” My company offered to pay for the retreat.

I couldn’t wait. I signed up for a four week sabbatical from my job at Microsoft. I just wanted to get away and play! I was so tired of work and answering phones and listening to idiots drone on about their pitiful existence as I solved their pathetic problems. I gleefully gave my company credit card number over the Web. Within three days, I received my ticket by Fed-Ex. New Delhi! India!

The flight was long and tiring, but when I got off the plane and through customs, Sandeep was waiting there with a sign, “Nirvana Technology Retreat.” I bounded up to him and gladly shook his hand.

‘Welcome to Nirvana, I am Sandeep. I will be your Lead for the next four years.”

I was impressed! A lead! Not a counselor! Four years?

I admit that I was a little disappointed by the bus ride. I rode with thirty-some odd geeks from around the world and we managed to keep out excitement up. The ride was long and tedious as we winded through the mountains and narrow dirt roads.

When we finally arrived, the surroundings looked completely different from the brochure.

“Sandeep, this doesn’t look like this,” I said as I pointed to the pictures.

“Ah Yes, Saheeb. We have moved our operations. Not to worry. We have many computers! Come, we have much fun!”

It was beginning to get dark and we were tired and hungry.

“Can we have dinner first?” ask Leona, a fellow Geek.

“No dinner. Fun First!”

We slowly made our way to a huge dirty hut. It was about 200 X 80. As we walked in, the roar of excitement hit us. The room was filled with GEEKS! The surroundings were hot and smelled a bit though. We looked closer. It looked like my office filled with homeless people. They didn’t look like they were having fun. They had headsets on their greasy, unwashed heads.

They had leather tethers attached to their ankles. Their empty eyes only showed sorrow for us as we realized our destiny.

We looked even closer. There were guards with big guns standing at the doors.

Sandeep sneered at us, “Welcome to the Microsoft Helpdesk. Each of you complained about your jobs being sent overseas. Not to worry. You still have jobs. You have been outsourced.”

When the White House opened its rooms for rent to help pay off the national debt, I, internationally famous hotel reviewer Thomas Moore, was there. When the first hotel in space was overthrown by Vermicious K’nids, I was there. Now I take you on to my most exclusive critique yet, an exclusive review that’s so frambigulously exclusive that I just made up a word to describe it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the first ever review of: Heaven!

Let me start off by saying that the food is good, the air is clean and the people are nice. Now that I have all those annoying pleasantries out of the way, I can start the review. Never before have I been so let down! The hype was there- “The most perfect place ever created!” some would cheer. Others simply billed it as “the place people are dying to get into.” Perhaps it’s because of all this hype that I simply wasn’t impressed.

First, I’ll just come right out and say it: the Pearly Gates that you’ve been hearing about aren't encrusted with pearls at all! Their excuse is they call it that because there's divine light on the other side. I tried pulling the same thing on my wife by giving her a flashlight necklace for her birthday. Yeah. Whatever.

The reception wasn’t so great either. Thousands of people were waiting in line, with hundreds more coming every second. Most didn’t even get in! Note to heaven: if you plan on overbooking, at least keep a vacancy sign somewhere. When I finally got to the receptionist, he started asking me questions such as the meaning of life. I sighed heavily and showed him my press pass. He let me right in.

Now here’s another letdown for you folks: you know the saying that the streets of heaven are paved with gold? Well they are, but what they don’t tell you is that it’s only 14 karats. Please! And someone should really tell them to get with the times- yellow gold is out, people! It's all about white gold nowadays, or if you want to be really posh why don't you try some platinum?

And boy, is Heaven dull! Dull, dull, dull. Not much to do there at all. Most people float around on clouds, others talk about some kind of spiritual enlightenment, others just lie around and get tan. Heaven may be great for the easily amused, but for people like me who demand constant stimulation the only great entertainment is watching the living and the ever-popular reincarnation booth, but this hardly suffices at all. My stay felt like an eternity.

I'd go on, but really, what's the point? Heaven is just over-hyped, over-crowded and under-funded.

The darndest thing just happened. As I typed that last sentence, I just got an e-vite from St. Peter to do another exclusive review. Look for it in my next article- same owner, just different manager and a bit to the South.

Dudes. Senoritas. Come one, Come all to the greatest camping experience on the planet... Smoking Pines!(trees... pines... you get it? get it? :)
So anyways, me and my buddy Slinky here have put together a totally awesome deluxe package that is guaranteed to be a righteous time or we'll give you a "Smoking Pines" tee-shirt free!
You will not believe what this deal includes. Check it out, first my old pal Slink is going to pick you and your entourage up in his humble abode.(Slinky wants everyone to know that #2 in the whinny is not cool, he's got to sleep there people!) On your way down the scenic highway of life, you'll be jamming to the likes of DMB, Phish and the Dead of course. Also for your convenience, Slink will hit every 7/11 on the way!
And if you've never camped with us, arriving at Smoking Pines will be truly memorable because we are home to the world's largest tin foil ball!(seriously guys, there could be a body in the middle of this thing it's so huge. Feel free to bring along some foil if you'd like to contribute!)
Our camp grounds include 10 acres of mother nature just waiting to be explored. Our nearest neighbor is a wild game range so please only wear brightly colored clothing if you plan on exploring the southern woods.(Ladies, I would not recommend wearing a fur.)
Unfortunately, the lake is still off limits because of the incident. Maybe we'll have better luck next year!
Also if you are the shy type then in addition to your camping supplies, you might want to bring a large rain poncho for squatting privacy.
The $99 weekend deal is for 4 days and 3 nights of non stop partying. Bring a friend, the bigger the blast the better. We'll be looking forward to hanging out with you so just drop us a line or e-mail us at SmokingPines@email.com to make your reservations now!