“PRINCE CHARMING IS A BIGAMIST”—Confesses Distraught Wicked Stepmother

Yes, Virginia—there is a Prince Charming for every young princess, but is it the same Prince Charming for all of them? Wicked Stepmother says, “Yes!” In a startling tell all book entitled, “Unhappily Ever After”, the Wicked Stepmother reveals shocking details that there is only one Prince Charming in all the fairy tales. Her own step daughter, Cinderella, discovered the harsh truth shortly after her own wedding bells quit ringing. “He came home one night with a coal black hair on his collar—and I’m a natural blonde!” Wicked Stepmother allegedly had Prince Charming followed into the Enchanted Forest where he was seen cavorting with a dainty little pale-faced girl with rosy red lips. Seven unnamed witnesses corroborated Wicked’s story in a video mailed to this office prior to publication. They confirm the identity of the mysterious young lass as “Snow White”, though whether this is a real name or “gang” name is still to be discovered.
The “Snow White Scandal” is the least of Prince Charming’s worries as it has also been reported that he has married another princess in a land far, far, away. This sleeping beauty apparently hasn’t been out much for the public to see, but Wicked’s connection through the Wicked Queens, Witches, and Stepmothers Association have provided this office with pictorial evidence that would seem to indicate he has, in fact, been keeping house with this fair maiden in an overgrown palace. Apparently, she has a thing for spinning wheels, so he brings her one every month. Credit card receipts are being investigated at this time to reveal the truth of this matter.
As if three weren’t enough, Rapunzel came forward last week in a stunning press conference to add to Prince Charming’s shame. She showed up six month’s pregnant and claimed the child was Charming’s. Immediate rebuttals went out from Charming’s camp claiming the relationship had no grounds as Rapunzel had been locked up in a doorless tower since childhood and there was no way Charming could have “had relations with that woman”. Wicked Stepmother counters with the theory that Rapunzel’s long hair made their tête-à-tête possible. This reporter knows from too many years on the fairy tale beat that anything can happen.
Even the swamps of Duloc haven’t escaped Charming’s escapades, though we heard his wooing of the fair Princess Fiona was a bit of a fiasco.
With the threat of impeachment looming overhead, Charming and his advisor’s released only this statement when pressed, “It is an unfortunate mistake of identity, and we are launching our own investigation to get to the bottom of these horrendous allegations.” No further comment was forthcoming. Prince Charming has gone on a hunting trip into an unnamed part of the woods and will be unavailable as this story progresses. As evidence surrounding this case builds, it is anyone’s guess which direction this tale will turn, but you can bet, it won’t be “happily ever after.” The End?

Hansel and Gretel, the brave Bavarian twins known for their daring daylight escape from the clutches of a cannibalistic witch, have been spotted at the Betty Goose Clinic for Sugar Addiction. The siblings’ sudden disappearance from the media spotlight had rumors running rampant, but the National Inquisitor has uncovered the real story.

An unnamed source from the clinic told the Inquisitor’s Quill Snoopperson that Hansel and Gretel were “hooked on the hard stuff,” and that it took five dwarfs and two pigs to pry the last candy cane out of Gretel’s hand. “It wasn’t pretty,” he shared. “By the time it was over, the sticky stuff was everywhere. They had to lock down the clinic to keep the other patients from being exposed.”

Sources say that their addiction started while they were held captive by the witch. As part of the witch’s plan to eat both children, she spent three weeks pumping Hansel full of candy and other sweets in an effort to plump him up. Dr. Ginger B. Man, an expert on sugar addiction, believes that Hansel was helpless to resist.

“Hansel had little choice in the matter. His captor controlled his diet, and also had full control of his sister. He had no other option - it was eat the sugar or die. He probably felt confident that he could kick the habit once the situation was resolved.”

But he couldn’t. In the media frenzy that followed, Hansel turned to sugar to help him cope. When Gretel started to show the strain, he gave her some sugar to help her through.

“Gretel tried to resist, but the temptation was too much,” said Miss Muffet, a close friend of Gretel’s. “She could handle the media attention, but the custody battle overwhelmed her. She turned to sugar to take the edge off.”

The custody battle Muffet referred to was between the State and the duo’s father. After his second wife was convicted of child abuse, Hansel Sr. tried to regain custody of his children in a bitter court battle. Hansel Sr. hired the charismatic attorney Boy Blue, who argued that Sr. acted under the influence of an evil potion. But the State’s toxicology expert, Bo Peep, testified that Hansel’s blood was free of any foreign substance. In the end, the courts awarded custody of the twins to the State, who placed them with Mother Hubbard.

But by then, the psychological damage had been done. The second time that Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard and found it bare, she knew that an addict was in the house. In a clever move, Hubbard stocked her cupboard with low-carb candy. It was soon obvious that Hansel and Gretel had a problem, and they were quietly whisked away to the clinic.

Are the siblings doomed to a life of sugar addiction? “The Betty Goose Clinic is the best,” says Dr. Man. “If they can make it through Halloween, I think they have a lot of hope for a sugar-free future.”

The Scoop has uncovered the secret that Little Red Riding Hood thought she had buried forever. For those of you who may have forgotten, ‘Lil Hood (as she likes to be called) was the center of media attention after her grandmother was eaten by the accused serial killer Gray Lupus. During her tour of the talk show circuit, ‘Lil Hood held the nation spellbound with her emotional account of how she narrowly escaped the same fate as her grandmother. But now Scoop is bringing the truth to you!

The lynchpin of ‘Lil Hood’s story was her assertion that she and Lupus had never met before that fateful night. But in an exclusive interview, ‘Lil Hood’s best friend, G’Locks, tells a different story.

“It’s a lie!” G’Locks told Scoop’s Quill Snoopperson. “‘Lil Hood and Lupus first met five years ago at a party held by the Pig family. They had all just moved into their own pens, and they held a huge block party to celebrate. I remember, because it was THE party to be at that summer, and I’m the one who got ‘Lil Hood in. And after all the trouble I went to, she ditched me as soon as she saw his big smile. She’s always hangin’ with the bad boys.” The Pig family that G’Locks referred to is the same one that was indicted for insurance fraud late last year.

According to G’Locks, that was the start of ‘Lil Hood and Lupus’ clandestine affair, which culminated in the death of Grandma. In an interesting twist, Scoop has learned that ‘Lil Hood had contacted the Happy Endings nursing home a week before the incident, but Grandma had refused to go. With her untimely demise, ‘Lil Hood stands to inherit the entire estate, including the cozy cottage located just a short walk from the prestigious Beanstalk office towers.

Not surprisingly, The Beanstalk has doubled the property values in that neighborhood over the past year. “’Lil Hood wanted to sell the cottage,” G’Locks shared, “take the money, get a new wardrobe, and ditch the little girl image.”

What does Lupus think about this? Only Scoop knows! Hear the true story straight from Gray Lupus’ muzzle – next week in Scoop!

Storytown's favourite Tower Totty, Rapunzel, is in hiding tonight after shocking allegations that her long golden locks are nothing more than extensions.

The revelations come fresh from the pages of the new autobiography “Rumplestiltskin: Behind The Loom”, a warts-and-all expose of the organic alchemist’s turbulent life. The book alleges that despite her reputation as a long-haired lovely, Rapunzel’s fame is based on Rumple’s handiwork and not on the filly’s follicles.

“I’m sick of her taking all the glory. I’ve worked my ass off in that Tower for years now, and it’s time for me to take to the spotlight and show the world the truth about that strumpet,” Rumple claims. “And I could tell you a thing or two about Snow White and those Dwarves too.”

The allegations come in the wake of the release of Rapunzel’s own autobiography “Move Over Goldilocks”, which some claim was ghost-written by Willo-The-Wisp, a claim vigorously denied by Rapunzel at the time: “That’s just jealousy from the staff at Three Bears Publishing, nothing more. The deal they made on Goldi’s book didn’t bring in enough porridge so they’re stirring the pot.”

With the fresh allegations about her golden hair surfacing in the pages of Rumple’s account, Rapunzel’s agents are keen to play down the story. Speaking from the Tower Drawbridge, Hansel and Gretel give their slant on the tale. “It’s all down to that Witch, she’s not happy with the write-up she got in “Move Over…”. We’ve had dealings with The Witch before, and sure things got a little hot for her over at the Gingerbread House but to her credit she bounced back and struck the deal with the Miller that saw her take control over Rapunzel’s interests, but when Rapunzel fired her and hired us The Witch hired Rumplestiltskin to spin some yarn about hair extensions. It’s kinda sad really.”

And whilst Rapunzel herself is locked away not facing the press, it seems the main casualty in all this is The Prince, who was so staggered by the allegations against his fair maiden that he staggered straight into a rose bush and blinded himself on the thorns.

Not quite the fairy tale ending he was hoping for.

Athens, Greece – More shocking developments in Athens this week as another Olympian was stripped of their gold medal. United States champion candlestick jumper, Jack B. Nimble tested positive for both Vybar 103 and Stearic Power, two hardening agents banned by the World Candlestick Commission. The sports world has been turned on its wick. Outraged fans protested by littering the streets with paraffin. The International Olympic Committee is humiliated once again.

Mr. Nimble set the world record for candlestick jumping just four days ago in Athens. The South Korean Candlestick team was outraged and raised protests almost immediately. “There must be errors in scoring and we demand investigation. This no unimportant gymnastics,” the Korean Spokesman stated. “This big sport in our country. We no lose unless someone cheat.” (Paul Hamm was not available for comment.)

During the scorecard investigation, the World Candlestick Commission became suspicious of American Jack B. Nimble when they discovered that he was burning the candle at both ends prior to the contest. Every night Jack went out to party and sleep with another foreign athlete. When asked about his sexual promiscuity, Jack replied, “What’s wrong with dipping my wick a few times?” Russia’s Irina Korzhanenko was outraged that Jack never visited her. Jack was quoted as saying “That’s a woman?” It was the combination of his lack of sleep, missing practices and then setting a world record that led to his additional drug test.

The testing labs burned the midnight oil in order to quickly get the results back to the WCC, IOC, FBI, CCZ and RCW. “It wasn’t easy to test for the 4,692 different banned substances overnight,” complained a lab employee. “But we did it.” The lab employee and IOC president, Jacques Rogge, then stepped behind the building to smoke a joint. This reporter is outraged that he wouldn’t pass the doobie.

When the news became public, there was a potpourri of outcries. One outraged fan said, “It will take more than a 4 oz vial of vanilla fragrance oil to cover up this stink.”

Jack, originally an alternate, barely made the Olympic squad when team captain, Bobeche Taper, had to withdraw due to injury. Taper received 2nd degree burns in a freak accident involving a unity candle while performing groomsman duties at his sister’s wedding ceremony. Taper’s sister was outraged that her wedding was ruined. (That investigation is still pending. Tonya Harding was not available for comment).

When asked about the juicing allegations, Nimble stated, “I’m a candle in the wind. This incident will burn out long before I leave the sport.” Experts disagree and feel Mr. Nimble’s career has officially been snuffed.

ROYAL FAMILY REHAB SCANDAL
Is the Princess on drugs???

Rumors have been flying recently as to the reason behind the mysterious seclusion of everyone’s favorite royal beauty, the Princess Aurora. The princess hasn’t been seen outside the castle in weeks, and now the HERALD can exclusively reveal that she may be the victim of a dangerous drug dependency!

BORN IN THE SPOTLIGHT

As the long-awaited “miracle baby” of the Royal Couple, Aurora has been a celebrity from the moment of her birth. For sixteen years she has been the apple of every eye in the kingdom – but a source close to the princess tells us that the pressure of always being in the public eye is beginning to take its toll.

“She has been depressed for a while now,” a long-time friend of the princess tell us. “She’ll be really down for a long time, and she won’t talk to anyone. Lately it’s been hard to even get her to come out of her room.”

SLEEPING BEAUTY

The princess, who has always been known for her openness and generosity, has stopped making public appearances, and has become a virtual recluse. Sources inside the castle tell us that for the past few weeks Aurora has been sleeping more and more – sometimes sixteen to twenty hours a day!

“She hardly eats anything anymore, and whenever I go up to the tower to check on her she’s there on her bed, asleep,” says a concerned housemaid. “Sometimes she talks to herself, but never anything that makes any sense.”

A ROYAL COVER-UP?

All these symptoms may add up to something more than just depression. In an exclusive interview, a childhood friend of Aurora’s revealed to the HERALD that the princess has turned to drug use to escape the pressures of her life in the spotlight.

Our readers will certainly remember the “spinning wheel” incident which took place three weeks ago. It was reported that Aurora had pricked her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel. It was at about that same time that she began to shy away from public notice.

We can now reveal that the story of the spinning wheel was actually a cover-up for a much darker incident. According to our source, “There was a needle involved, but it was not on a spinning wheel, and it was not her finger that she pricked!” Our beloved princess is caught in the grip of a deadly heroin addiction – the official story of the “spinning wheel” incident came when a visitor from a neighboring kingdom realized that Aurora had been injecting herself with the drug!

WHERE IS SHE NOW?

The HERALD can now confirm that the castle has been vacated. A source close to the royal family tells us that the King and Queen have taken their daughter to a rehabilitation facility, and that they have left the kingdom in order to be near her as she recovers.

Jack, of Jack and the beanstalk fame, has gone public with a startling revelation – Elvis is alive! And not only is he alive, but he’s still singing for his dinner! We are all familiar with Jack’s rapid climb from rags to riches. But what happened inside the giant’s house has remained a mystery – until now. In an exclusive interview, Jack sat down with Luna! to share his story.

“It seemed like a pretty ordinary house, just bigger,” Jack shared. By “bigger”, Jack is referring to 30 foot tall dining room chairs and salt and pepper shakers big enough to swallow a small child.

Jack was on the kitchen counter when the giant came home from work. He quickly hid behind a pizza cutter. “He must have had a terrible day, ‘cause his tie was loosened and papers were sticking out of his briefcase. And he was mumbling under his breath, something like ‘@!&* lawyers, it was only one brat, wasn’t like I ate the whole family or anything,’ and he threw his briefcase into the corner.”

The briefcase exploded in a shower of papers, and that was when Jack heard the voice. “Hey giant, are you all shook up?” The voice seemed familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it.

“Yeah, and what are you going to do about it?” the giant growled. He started toward Jack, then bent down and picked up a cage from the floor. That was when Jack saw Him.

A man sat in a gilded cage that was lined with blue suede. The man said to the giant “Don’t be cruel, just let me go.”

“That was when I realized why the voice sounded familiar. The man in the cage was Elvis! In the flesh!” Jack said.

According to Jack, the giant then commanded The King to sing for him. When Elvis refused, the giant said to him “You can either sing for your dinner or be my dinner. It’s your choice.” Elvis, never known for his willingness to miss a meal, promptly sang several of his greatest hits for the giant, including Jailhouse Rock and Love Me Tender.

“I remember Love Me Tender, because I was thinking that being tender is the last thing I’d want to think about if I were on the menu,” Jack said.

The giant fell asleep during the last song, and that is when Jack grabbed the hen around the neck and ran for the beanstalk. “I tried to take Elvis, too, but he couldn’t fit out the cage door. I guess the giant has been feeding him too well.”

Jack and the hen slid down the beanstalk and quickly became multi-millionaires, but Jack just can’t forget his last image of Elvis trying to squeeze out of the cage.

“I tried to forget, but I can’t. Someone needs to rescue Elvis!”

Is Elvis really alive and living at the top of the beanstalk? Look for more of this breaking story in the next issue of Luna!

Emperor Exposes All - Makes Sex Offenders List

The Emperor, widely known for his extravagant tastes in clothes, was arrested when he was caught wearing nothing but the Royal Birthday Suit during last week's procession through town. He claimed his "invisible" clothes, made of very rare cloth, were created by two of the world’s greatest clothing designers. "This one suit only cost me 2 bags of gold,” he exclaimed. “When I saw it, I commissioned two more just like it.”

Most people were outraged, knowing he already owns a wardrobe full of Versace, Christian Dior, Ralph Lauren, and Mary Kate and Ashley. "Why does he need to buy more clothes?" asked one townsman. "I only have enough money to buy clothes for 3 of my four children. Little Johnny and little Timmy can't even go outside at the same time!"

The law, however, doesn't dictate how the Emperor should spend his money, but it does have a strict decency statute. Our legal expert on what is and isn’t decent, William Jefferson Clinton stated “anyone exposing themselves to women or children is immediately registered as a sex offender.”

The stunt may have hurt the Emperor more than he realized. His approval ratings are at an all-time low. A spokes maiden for the local chapter of "Beautiful Virgins" say that more members are looking for a mysterious knight or even being sacrificed to a dragon rather than dreaming of a visit from the land's ruler. "There's nothing royal about his scepter,” remarked one so-called ‘virgin’ who asked to remain nameless. "He should have done this in the winter. At least that would explain the ...um...shrinkage."

In an effort to remove his name from the Sex Offenders List, the Emperor has retained the services of Johnny Cochrane. When asked about the legal defense, Cochrane replied, "There is no need to erect a defense. This case isn't about the Emperor; it's about the Emperor's new clothes. We find it ludicrous that anyone would try to indict the Emperor on indecency laws for wearing appropriate clothing for the season. It's not like he wore white after Labor Day. This case won't be swaying in the breeze for much longer. We have filed an order of dismissal due to shortness…uh, that is, due to a lack of protruding… I mean a preponderance of evidence. On a personal note, throughout this unfortunate ordeal, the Emperor's demeanor has remained upbeat. You will be able to see that in next month's EQ – Emperors Quarterly - where he'll be modeling with pride the new suit that's on the tip of everyone's tongue."

[QS] Little did we hope of ever being able to get an exclusive interview with one of Fairyland’s most notorious beauties, Miss Snow White. Fearing neither witch nor warlock, your faithful Tattler reporter Quill Snooperson braved the dark forests, traversed tepid puddles, and scaled craggy mountain cliffs to bring you this litigious story.

Finally arriving at the Snowy’s Alternative Living Commune, I was greeted at the door by the sultry Snowy herself. Clothed in a dress that put revealing before concealing, she put a blush on my face and a quiver in my voice.

“Come on in, ” she whispered huskily, and I followed like an obedient little puppy.

“Welcome to our little commune,” she said, her perfectly manicured hand brushing a strand of glossy, raven-black hair behind her ear, “let me introduce you to the guys.”

She pointed to a ragged collection of mean-looking mining midgets who eyed me with unmasked aversion.

“There is Okey, and that’s Dokey. Then there is Smokey,” the dwarf in question quickly hid a joint behind his back, “and of course one of my favourite little cuddly-wuddlies,” her voice turned sultry, “and that’s Pokey”.

“I am sorry you can’t meet Cokey, but he’s got therapy today. And as usual, no-one knows where Lowkey is.”

Asked about the alleged “living-in-sin” status of this peculiar arrangement, Ms. White replied, “we are an autonomous collective and strive for a permanent solution to social injustice. We rely on independent services such as Housing, Food Programs, Labor Collectives and other resources that are based on collectivism rather than capitalism.”

Her eyes turned misty.

“We believe in the principle of ecological sustainability and biodiversity. That means we strive to permanently eliminate sexism, racism, and militarism.”

“And heightism!” shouted one of the midgets.
“Damn right!” chimed in the others.

Ms. White turned towards me and started poking a finger at my chest.
“And if you and your rag represent just another puppet mouthpiece of the capitalistic media empire headed by the ever-exploiting Mr. Sidney, you can take your interview and....”

Only my superior skill at placating and pacifying prevented me from being ripped to shreds by those pale, delicate hands.

Quickly changing the subject back to the main interest of my loyal readers, e.g. the amorous associations of Ms. White, I quickly learned that all was not well between her and Prince Charming.

“Prince what? Hah!” she shouted.
“I have no need for a member of the oppressive monarchist elite like Prince Squirming. In our little commune we take care of each other.”

At my surprise of how Okey, Dokey, Smokey, Pokey, Cokey and Lowkey could satisfy all her needs, she hit me again with that seductive smile.
“Oh, but you forgot one!”

Her eyes took on dreamy look.
“There is still.... Thumper!”

The King’s son-in-law was sewn into a sack and thrown in the river to drown yesterday thanks largely to the testimony of a trumpet. “I was driving my sheep over the bridge on the west side of the forest,” the shy shepherd says. “I noticed something white in the sand. It was a bone, and I cut out of it a mouth-piece for my trumpet.”

But when the shepherd started to play he got a whole new tune!

"Ah, friend, thou blowest upon my bone!
Long have I lain beside the water;
My brother slew me for the boar,
And took for his wife the King's young daughter."

The shepherd says he had “no idea what that song meant,” so he decided to take the trumpet to the King. According to sources inside the palace the King knew exactly what the little song was about.

“His Majesty offered his daughter’s hand in marriage to whoever killed the boar in the forest that was terrorizing the kingdom,” our source reports. “Two brothers went out on the hunt. The older brother came back with the prize and married the Princess. He has always claimed that his brother was killed by the boar. Now we know differently.”

When confronted with the testimony of his little brother’s singing bone the Royal Ragamuffin confessed. “I killed my little brother when we were coming across the bridge,” the bad boy bawled. “I took the boar he’d speared and claimed the Princess as my bride. I was drunk and crazy. It isn’t my fault!”

But the court found him “Guilty!” and into the river he went. It took less than forty seconds for this sad sack’s sack to sink. The King and his court were at the drowning, but neither hide nor hair of the Princess has been seen since the scandal broke.

“The Princess didn’t want to marry that jerk,” a confidential source reports. “But what the King says goes, obviously. She’s happier now but she’d never tell you that herself, of course. Thank God they didn’t have any kids, that’s all I can say.”

And what about little brother, you ask? His bones were removed from the sandy riverbank and laid to rest in a lovely tomb near the Royal Chapel. “He was always such a sweetheart,” his mother says. “The Princess would have loved him so much more. It’s just so hard to lose both my boys this way.”

After the ceremony the shepherd presented the mother with his trumpet, minus the mouthpiece that had stirred up so much trouble. “I wanted something to remember all this by, so I kept the singing bone,” he says. “His mother didn’t ask about it and I won’t tell. I’ll only blow on it once in a while, anyway. It’s not like I’m addicted or anything.”

In an unrelated story, a local woodcutter’s children have been reported missing in the very same woods. Readers have been asked to keep an eye out for young Hansel and Gretel.