I resolve to document every minute of company time that I waste surfing the internet so the payroll department can appropriately reduce my paycheck.

I resolve to stop procrastinating, but not until Chinese New Year... so that gives me a few weeks.

1. Provide my full name, date of birth, Social Security Number, and bank account information to anyone who may need to borrow my identity.

2. Lobby for a national telemarketing "Please Call" list to be created and demand that I be the first name on that list.

3. Purchase every product or service advertised in all emails I receive.

This year, I will do my absolute best to accept the constructive criticism of my peers - even if they are a bunch of imbecilic nincompoops who wouldn’t know their digestive tract from a semicolon.

I resolve to eat just one.

My New Years resolutions, listed from the most attainable to least attainable:

1. I will finally complete my sex change operation and achieve my lifetime goal of being a world famous Anne Heche impersonator.
2. I will insinuate myself into the national conservative movement, gain their trust, and then slap Ann Coulter silly.
3. I will learn to appreciate Jay Leno's sense of humor.

1)I resolve not to log onto Worth1000 every two minutes in the last hour of voting, even if my entry is standing in the top three.

2)I resolve that from henceforth I shall never ever make another resolution that I don’t keep.

3) I resolve that, should I win the lottery for $20 million, I shall donate the entire amount to Engineering research and carry on living a frugal artistic existence.

Donate 52 pints of blood this year;

Prove, once and for all, that reality doesn’t exist;

To earn a 100% in Worth1000 Photoshop top-three finishes.

Honey, I finished my list for New Years!

1. I resolve to not make a big deal on our anniversary.
2. To not buy you any gifts on Valentines day, birthday, or any day period.
3. I resolve that you will sleep with me whenever I want.

Wait! Where are you going honey? Honey?

I resolve to resolve all past resolutions before making a new resolution.