INT. CHIEF ZUCKER'S OFFICE-- DAY
CCZ is at his desk; sitting opposite of him is MEOWZA.

CHIEF
Damn it, meowza, you're a loose cannon! You caused six million dollars in road damage, blew up city hall, destroyed the world's only working perpetual energy machine, and for what?

MEOWZA
To catch the criminal.

CHIEF
Criminal? It was a traffic violation!

MEOWZA
They don't call them illegal left turns for nothing, CCZ.

CHIEF
That's Central Chief Zucker to you! Damn it, I should ban you right now. But, we need you.

MEOWZA
Of course. Why?

CHIEF
Have you ever heard of the Textors?

MEOWZA
Sure, they're a little gang no one really pays any attention to. Why?

CHIEF
We have an informant in the Textors, but recently someone's found out about her. We don't know who, we just know he's threatened to kill her.

MEOWZA
So?

CHIEF
So if he kills her, she dies.

MEOWZA
So?

CHIEF
So if she dies, we'll lose our information.

MEOWZA
So?

CHIEF
So- what else do you need?

MEOWZA
What's this got to do with me?

CHIEF
You're going to protect her.

MEOWZA
From?

CHIEF
Dying!

MEOWZA
Oh come on, CCZ, I've got better things to do than babysit.

CHIEF
Actually, you'll be "babysitting" two people.

MEOWZA
Two?

CHIEF
Meowza, you're getting a new partner.

MEOWZA
No.

CHIEF
Yes. Come on in!

Enter GALOOT.

CHIEF
(cont'd)
His name is Galoot. Be nice.

GALOOT
Nice to meet you.

MEOWZA
Please die.

INT. POLICE CAR-- DAY
Meowza's driving, Galoot's riding shotgun.

GALOOT
Where is this place, anyway?

MEOWZA
Dunno.

GALOOT
Did CCZ give us directions?

MEOWZA
Dunno.

GALOOT
Or even an address?

MEOWZA
Dunno.

GALOOT
Can you say something else?

MEOWZA
Die.

GALOOT
Besides that.

MEOWZA
Soon.

GALOOT
Touche. So what do we do, just drive around until we find it?

MEOWZA
Sounds like a plan.

GALOOT
Alrighty then.

TITLE OVER
Much, much later....

EXT. MEGGIE'S HOUSE-- DAY
Galoot knocks on the door.

MEOWZA
That was a quick couple of days.

GALOOT
Is this the place?

MEOWZA
Better be. If it's not, I'm still not going anywhere.

MEGGIE, the beautiful, answers in a sultry black dress. Meowza is awe-struck.

MEGGIE
Hello, boys. I'm Meggie. You must be my bodyguards.

MEOWZA
H-h-hawt! Hawt lady!

Awkward pause.

MEGGIE
How about you just come in?

Meggie exits into the house.

GALOOT
Smooth.

MEOWZA
Hey, this is a step up for me.

GALOOT
How so?

MEOWZA
Not once did I say "boobie."

MEGGIE
(O.S)
You coming?

MEOWZA
Boobie!

GALOOT
Bravo.

INT. MEGGIE'S LIVING ROOM-- DAY
Meggie's living room is huge and elegantly decorated. A staircase leads up to the second floor. The hallway of the second floor overhangs the living room like a balcony.
Meowza and Galoot enter. They sit across from Meggie.
Time passes. In complete silence.

MEOWZA
So. Someone's trying to kill you, huh?

MEGGIE
Yeah.

MEOWZA
How's that working out for you?

MEGGIE
Not well.

MEOWZA
Who is it?

MEGGIE
Dunno.

VOICE
(O.S)
I can answer that for you.

The voice belongs to THEQISSILENT, who is on the hallway of the second floor, aiming a gun at the group.

THEQISSILENT
That's right, it was me all along- theqissilent!

Pause.

MEOWZA
Who?

THEQISSILENT
You know, theqissilent.

GALOOT
The Kisselent?

THEQISSILENT
No, theqissilent.

MEOWZA
Theku Izzilent?

THEQISSILENT
No! Theqis- I can't believe you've never heard of me! And I was trying to make this all dramatic-like.

GALOOT
Tek U. Islant?

THEQISSILENT
You know, I am kind of a big deal among the Textors.

MEGGIE
I know who you are, Q.

THEQISSILENT
Thanks, Meggie. That means a lot. Now I almost wish I didn't have to shoot you.

MEOWZA
The Kee-

GALOOT
Meowza!

MEOWZA
Huh?

Theqissilent fires his gun. Slow motion- the bullet goes toward Meggie. Meowza pushes her out of the way, but now the bullet's heading toward him. Galoot jumps in front of meowza and takes the bullet.
Meowza starts firing back at theqissilent.

THEQISSILENT
We'll meet again!

Theqissilent escapes by jumping out the window. Meowza kneels by Galoot's body.

MEOWZA
Why? Why? Why couldn't it have been me?!

MEGGIE
You wish you were shot instead of him?

MEOWZA
No, I wanted to be the one to kill him.

GALOOT
Meowza...

MEGGIE
I don't think he's dead.

MEOWZA
(Aims his gun at Galoot)
We'll see about that.

GALOOT
Meowza...

MEOWZA
(Lowers his gun)
What? What is it?

GALOOT
That kissy guy... He's getting away.

MEOWZA
I don't think so.

GALOOT
Why not?

MEOWZA
He jumped out of a second story window for crying out loud.

EXT. THE ROAD BY MEGGIE'S HOUSE-- DAY
Theqissilent is dragging himself by his arms to make his getaway.

THEQISSILENT
Blast. Broken femurs. My one weakness!

Theqissilent crawls upon some feet. He looks up and sees meowza.

THEQISSILENT
Aw, crap.

MEOWZA
Pwned.

(scene opens, It is lunch time and meowza strolls into the worth1000 staff breakroom and takes a seat at the table. Maestro_Calhoun, and UnzerCharlie are also in the room.)

Meowza: I got a feeling that today is going to be my day (opens lunch box)...awww mom, tuna again?

(CCZ enters the scene, poking his head through the door)

CCZ: Did somebody say tuna? (CCZ walks in)Hey meowza, I'll trade you my pudding cup for your tuna sandwich.

Meowza: I don't know about that. If you want this sandwich, you have to offer me something better than a lame old pudding cup. I mean, come on man, at least throw in a bag of cheese or a cranberry muffin or something!

CCZ: OK, OK. My pudding cup, a thermos of chicken gumbo, and this peppermint that was used by Susan Sarandon.

Meowza: YOU MEAN SHE ALREADY SUCKED ON IT?

CCZ: Only slightly, only slightly.

Meowza: No, wait, that's pretty hot! Sold!

(They swap food. Kicking and muffled swearing can be heard out of the scene, pan to Maestro_Calhoun beating the snack machine viciously)

Maestro_Calhoun: All I want is a simple bag of pretzels, is that too much to ask? Everyday, I come in here, try to break away from my wretched life. I have no money, girls don't want to date me and the powers that be over at that vapid waste of a building called the vend-o-matic vending company don't want to give me a FREAKING BAG OF PRETZELS.(Maestro_Calhoun lowers his head, dejected) Excuse me now while I go jump out of a window.

CCZ: Maestro, we're on the first floor.

Maestro_Calhoun: I know, but I could sprain my ankle and that would really smart.

(pan to UnzerCharlie. He is sitting at the table smoking something of an indeterminate origin)

UnzerCharlie: Dude, chill out. Sit down and take a hit off of this. You'll feel better. Forget those pretzels and have one of my crumpets. I had them shipped from England.

Meowza: Who is sending you pastries from England?

UnzerCharlie: Er...ummm...Prince William?

Maestro_Calhoun: Right...

UnzerCharlie: How about...Elton John?...Madonna?

(Just then, the p.a. system cuts on and a voice comes through the loud speaker. It's Mister_IQ. Our foursome in the break room stop what they are doing and turn their attention to the speaker on the wall)

UnzerCharlie: Whew, that was close.

Mister_IQ: Attention staff, to whoever took the pinball machine out of the game room, you need to return it immediantly. I'm going to turn the lights off, and whoever has it can put it back, no questions asked.

(The room goes dark. A loud sound of footsteps, running and people violently bumping in to each other. You also hear a bunch of dinging and typical pinball machine noise. Suddenly, the lights come back up and we see Meowza carrying the pinball machine out of the break room)

Mister_IQ: I see you, Meowza

Meowza: How? You're not even in the room.

Mister_IQ: Hey, I'm Mister_IQ. I see everything. There is nothing that goes on around here that I don't...HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PANTS! Oh someone is going to be SO banned for this one!

(smoke starts coming out of the speaker on the wall. Meowza is giggling uncontrollably. The foursome in the break room sit back down at the table and continue eating their lunch. UnzerCharlie is busy staring at his hands, while Maestro_Calhoun has an aneurysm and passes out. CCZ sniffs the tuna sandwich, takes a bite and throws it in the garbage. Meowza leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table)

Meowza: Yep, today is going to be my day.

(the smoke from the p.a. speaker begins to fill the room and the scene fades out. End scene.)

Setting: Daytime. Tropical island. Mansion nestled among palm trees. Large veranda beside white sand beach.

(A dwarf, Brit Patoo, runs up to the veranda. Relaxing in a wicker chair is Ricardo Meowzaban, petting a pretty cat in his lap. Wearing an expensive white tropical suit.)

Patoo:
D Penguin, Boss! D Penguin!

Meowzaban: (cultured latin accent)
I see it Patoo. Quick now, run get our returning guests. Oh, and bring me a citron and treacle. (menacingly) And this time, don’t forget the lime, Brit.

Patoo:
Yes, Boss. (runs off)

Meowzaban: (Places cat on ground. Cat purrs "nooooorrrrriiiiittttt" softly in complaint.)
I must go greet our guests pretty one. Later we will play.

(Meowzaban arrives at beach. Coming down the gangplank of the S.S. Penguin, the three new guests.)

Meowzaban:
Greetings, everyone! I am Mr. Meowzaban and welcome to My Fantasy Island! (to the young woman fashionably overdressed for the tropics) You must be Ali. I have taken the liberty of ordering you a cool drink because you are obviously so hot.
(to the cool, composed, confident female) And you must be the delectable Meggie. Enchante!

Ice: (third guest, carrying a hockey equipment bag)
And I must be… in heaven. Two babes and a beach! How lucky can one puckhead get?

Meggie:
Pig.

Ice:
Actually, yes. Ice Pigs to be exact. But you can call me Ice. Oh, and Meowzaban, mind if I use that “cool drink” line? That’s a winner.

(Patoo arrives with drinks and a group of 3 very strange looking ex-guests. All are distorted oddly. They head toward the boat. Patoo passes out drinks.)

Ice:
Look at those losers! That last galoot is positively ugly!

Meggie:
How can you be so cold, Ice? What happened to them?

Meowzaban:
Some unfortunate souls I let stay here for a while, hoping to ease their pains.

Ali:
That’s so nice of you Mr. Meowzaban.

(Suddenly, one ex-guest lurches toward Meggie. Trying to speak from his twisted mouth and shaking his head violently.)

Ex-Guest:
Water. Water.

Meggie:
Oh, the poor thing is thirsty.

Ice:
Yes, give it some water. Like a whole bath full.

Ex-Guest:
No, water! No, water!

Ice:
Confused, little bugger, eh?

Meowzaban: (commandingly)
Patoo! Escort him down to the penguin.

Patoo: (shoos Ex-Guest back)
Yes, Boss. Hey, you doofus! Back in line!

Meowzaban:
Now we shall retire to the villa so you can freshen up for tonight’s festivities. But first, a toast to the pleasures of My Fantasy Island!

ALL:
Cheers

(Guests head to veranda. Behind them, Meowzaban coughs into his hand.)

Meowzaban: Patoo!

Patoo:
You called, Boss?

Meowzaban:
No, you fool. I coughed up a hairball! Too much citron does it everytime! (Throws dripping hairball at Patoo)

(Cut to pool scene. Meggie and Ali are in pool.)

Ali: (girlish squeal as Ice surfaces close to her)
How do you stay down so long?

Ice:
Navy. I used to be in the SeaBees.

Meggie:
You are just full of surprises Ice.

Ice:
Come back to my bungalow and I’ll show you my hockey stick.

Meggie:
Pig!

Ice:
Yes? Hey, one of your eyes looks bigger than the other!

Meggie:
Yeah, well, your head is getting so round, it looks like a hockey puck.

Ali:
What’s happening to us?

(Meowzaban comes out onto the pool deck, still wearing white suit but carrying a leather bull whip.)

Meowzaban:
Nothing to worry about my friends. Everyone enjoying themselves?

ALL:
Yes!

Meowzaban:
Time for that too change. (cracks whip across Ice)

Ice:
Yo! This ain’t my fantasy at all dude!

Meowzaban:
You seem to have made a mistake, my friend. You don’t get your fantasy here. I do. This is MY FANTASY Island. MMMWWWHHAHAHAHAHA. (Pulls tear-away jacket and pants off, revealing leather vest and leather pants.)

Ali: (Climbs out seductively and runs hand over the leather vest)
Me likey.

Meowzaban:
It’s Corinthian. RAWWWR, Ali!

(Patoo runs up, hysterical, pointing behind him)

Patoo:
Boss! Boss! (gasping) D-Bass-Rope-He!

Meowzaban:
Not now, Patoo, I’m getting to the good part.

Patoo: (staggering)
But Boss! (still gasping) Big-Ass-Trophy!

Meowzaban:
Get a grip, Patoo. I can’t understand you.

Meggie: (helpfully)
Catastrophe?

Patoo:
No. (collecting himself) Tigastrophe!

(Suddenly above the palm trees, we see the top half of a King Kong sized woman striding up.)

Tigastrophe: (in a deep feminine voice)
Bad kitty! How many times have I told you not to play with the animals you catch?

(Total chaos erupts as a huge hand comes down and scoops Meowzaban up by the scruff of his neck.)

Meowzaban: (voice receding as Tigastrophe carries him away)
No! No! I almost had my Fantasy!

Ali: (picking up whip and giving it an experimental crack)
I wonder if Pig hide is as thick as Corinthian Leather? (whip crack)

Opening scene:

Sound FX: Ticking Clock

Scene: Two people, sitting at a small table, eating diner. Both look bored and are just picking at their food. Above the table is an old-fashioned coo-coo clock. The time is 6:59. The minute hand of the clock tries and tries to click over to 7:00. Finally, with a loud “pop” it is successful.

Queue music: Theme to SuperMario

Scene (continued) Out of the clock, pops The Budgie (The_Mogul) on a skateboard.

The two diners simultaneously look at each other, their eyes bug just a bit, then disappear from the frame –their forks spin in midair and drop their plates.

Second Scene:

Scene: The back of a couch with a TV (turned off) in front of the couch.

The two people come flying onto a couch, one of them grabbing a remote control. He/She turns the remote towards the TV and presses a button.

Camera zooms into the TV. The black screen of the TV slowly comes to life – first with “snow” and then a picture – skyline/cityscape of Vancouver. The TV becomes the whole screen.

Narrator: (in an “over-the-top” radio voice) Ladies and Gentlemen, cats of all ages, it’s time once again for Canada’s favorite Cable-Access Show (slight pause, then really loud) Peter From Vancouver!

Sound FX: Canned applause
Sound FX: Cowbells being hit over and over.

Third Scene:

Camera pans across audience, across a “talk show” stage, and on to a group of 3 or 4 people in a bandstand, complete with music stands. All of them standing and banging on a Cowbell. Camera pans back to stage and out walks Meowza.

Meowza: Yo! Sup?! 420! 187 on dat! Yo!

Cut Canned applause
Cowbell slowly dies out.

Meowza: (points towards band) give up some PHAT MacDaddy love for “IQ and the More Cowbell Band”!

Sound FX: One or two people clap halfheartedly.

Meowza: muthafugga warmin up for next weeks thugspeak biotch it shud start at 4:20 lol get it? 187 on any muthafugga who dont follow da rules. I GOT CAPPED! ~187 420 24/7 818 holla~

Sound FX: various “gang-speak” crowd noises (“fo shizzle”, “in da houze" etc)

Meowza: (making gang signs) In today’s show, we will meet wit some of da bomb diggity artists on Worth1000.com." Worth1000 is da top creative competition 'n photoshop contest site on da web, know what I'm sayin'? We will has two hella important guests from that site n' stuff. The king of da chop, DerAlt 'n da queen of text, Meggie!

Meowza: (walks over to a desk and sits down) Ok, like, you know, um, we should, like, get the show started, fer sure! Let’s all clap like all the time for our very first-est guest, DerAlt!

Sound FX: crowd clapping

Meowza sits there and nothing happens. He looks left and right, but doesn’t see anything.

Meowza: Um. Like, give it up for, like, DerAlt!

Sound FX: more clapping. In the background you here a steady click–shuffle-shuffle , click–shuffle-shuffle slowly getting louder

Meowza looks around again – starting to get worried.

All of a sudden, a blonde girl runs over to Meowza and whispers in his ear.

Meowza: This could take awhile

Dolly: Come on, Dad. You can do it. Lift the walker, move it forward, step, step. Yea, Dad!

At the side of the screen, you can see a walker slowly edge its way onto screen. The click–shuffle-shuffle coincides with the slow, but steady movement of a walker coming on screen. Dolly stands behind the “guest couch” and silently encourages DerAlt.

Meowza: While we’re waiting, let go ahead and welcome our second, um, first guest, the Queen of Text – Meggie!!

Sound FX: Clapping

Meggie walks out on stage, curtsies, and goes and sits down. In her hand is a leash, and on the end of the leash is a goat with a red cape.

Meowza: What’s up with the goat?

Meggie: I have decided to take this super kid under my wing and…

Strange rays shoot out of the goat’s eyes and incinerate the desk Meowza is sitting behind. Then the goat jumps up and runs of stage. Meggie starts chasing it.

Meanwhile, the click–shuffle-shuffle is getting louder. On screen, you can see just the walker and the two hands of the old man using the walker. Dolly is still behind the couch, encouraging DerAlt along.

All of a sudden, the cowbells start playing.

Narrator: That’s all the time we have for today. Tune in tomorrow when Meowza’s guest will be Galoot – the king of stupidity and some British guy.

Scene four:

Zoom out from TV and you can see the two people still sitting on the couch, but now one is passionately licking the other one’s ear.

MPolgara: Oh, I less than three that Meowza!
CCZ: (with his tounge in MPolgara's ear) me too!

[Scene: Half of a city street, with the buildings and sidewalk on the left hand side. On the lower edge of the screen is the corner, complete with light pole and “Walk/Don’t Walk” sign, which is currently on the latter.]

(We get a few seconds to absorb the scene, then the Title Sequence: “Worth 1000 Presents:” appears at the top of the screen)

(MEOWZA comes bounding in, and on the third bounce, his head smacks against the words, which then disappear. Stars briefly circle his head, as the focus changes to street level. The words “Meowza In:" appear in the middle of the street)

(As the sign changes to "Walk", Meowza busts through the words. The scene shifts to the top of a brick building. NORRIT flies in with a spray can, and sprays for several seconds. When he’s done, it reveals the words “EYE-YI-YI”)

(Camera follows as Norrit flies down to a bench in front of the building, and next to a phone booth. A poster with the animation and writing credits also is there. Meowza comes in, and tears off the poster with a playful smile. Below it is a picture of MPOLGARA. Meowza sees it, and his eyes extend outside his head. There’s a few seconds pause, and then Meowza tries to put them back into place. After a brief effort, it's proven that they are stuck.)
MEOWZA: “Uh-oh!”

(Meowza heads to the phone booth, and dials a number. During this conversation, Norrit pulls out a burrito [Yes, just one] from a lunchbox, and eats it.)

Meowza: “Hello? This is Meowza. You know how MP is really really really really really really hawt? ” (The last word is spelled on screen briefly) “Well, now my eyes are stuck.”
(There’s a brief pause for an answer. The next lines are spoken with a second pause in between them)
Meowza: “Come right down? You can see me right away? Should be no problem? I can stop repeating everything you say now? Ok!”

(Meowza hangs up the phone, steps to the curb, and whistles for a taxi. Moments later, one arrives. On the side it reads “Speedy Motors—We get you there in 30 seconds or less”. Scene shifts to the inside of the cab, looking to the front where TOTALCHAOS sits. There’s a small placard with his name and [unreadable] information.)

TotalChaos: “Where to, fella?”
Meowza: “High EyeQ Optometry. On Cowbell Drive.”
TotalChaos: “Right, I know the place. Hang on tight!”

(TotalChaos pushes a button on the dash. We watch as buckles and restraints cover Meowza, except for his feet and head. The view splits: a main window on a top-down view of the road, with the top right quarter giving a view of Meowza. The cab drives wildly through traffic, dodging cars and other hazards with practiced ease. Meanwhile in the backseat, Meowza’s poor eyeballs bounce and twist around, as he takes the ride with a slightly worried face. As promised, just under 30 seconds from when he was picked up, the cab stops.)

TotalChaos: “Here you go!”
(He pushes the button again, removing the buckles. Meowza woozily stumbles out. The view outside the cab includes a building with giant glasses on its billboard, the left frame reading “High” and the right “EyeQ”.)

Meowza: “Thanks, dude. I guess…”
(He turns and enters the shop. Right inside is MISTER IQ to greet him.”

IQ: “Hey, Meowza, good to see you.” (He pauses briefly) “Well, poor choice of words, perhaps, especially since the situation seems worse than you described. But I can still help! Right this way!”
(He leads Meowza through the reception hall into another room. This one is laid out as a typical optometrist’s: various pamphlets, an eye chart with a gag message, and a chair. Meowza hops into the chair, and IQ brings his instruments closer.)

IQ: “Oh, let’s have a crack at this.” (A brief cloud of activity appears, leaving one eye atop the head and the other near the chin) “No…” (Another cloud, leaving the ears and eyes switched “Nope, not that either!” (One longer cloud, leaving things back to apparently normal) “Aha! There we go!”

Meowza: “All fixed, then?”
IQ: “Only one real way to find out!”
(He straps a view window that we can’t say in front of Meowza, with an adjustable dial atop it. IQ twists the dial from “PG” past “13+”, “18+” and “XXX” to too many “X”s to count. Meowza’s eyes bulge out, but this time snap back.)

IQ: “Yep, all set!”
Meowza: “Thanks, doc!” (He hands IQ a gold $ trophy, and walks out. Outside the shop, the words “The End?” appear. With a “Oh no you don’t look, Meowza steals the question mark, and walks off screen.)

END

(Peter/Meowza is sitting at desk, idly working on his computer. Door opens and Mister IQ rushes into room.)

IQ: Help! Peter! Help!

M: (jumping to feet) What’s wrong, Mr. IQ?

IQ: (with agitation) Call the police! Call the FBI! Call the President! Call someone!

M: Calm down, Mr. IQ, and tell me what’s wrong.

IQ: They stole it! Somebody has stolen my cowbell! (moaning) Oh, Peter, what are we going to do? Life can’t go on without the cowbell!

M: (puts arm around IQ and quickly escorts him to the door) Don’t worry, Mr. IQ, I’m sure it will turn up.

IQ: I’ve had it since I turned 16, Peter. I don’t know what I’ll do without it. (Mr. IQ exits, quietly sobbing.)

M: This sounds like a job for Super Meowza!

(Peter tears open shirt, revealing a skin-tight t-shirt emblazoned with a giant M. Cut to scene of Super Meowza in full costume talking to Mr. IQ.)

M: Never fear, Mr. IQ, Super Meowza is here for you. When did you last see your cowbell?

IQ: I know I had it with me when I went to Galoot’s Bar and Grill for lunch.

M: Tell me exactly what you did at Galoot’s.

IQ: Well, I was eating my lunch and reading about subatomic particles and their relation to Newton’s Laws. Quite fascinating, really, especially development of the wave function in time as described by Schroedinger's Equation…

M: (interrupting) So you were eating lunch…

(Flash to scene as Mr. IQ narrates)

IQ: Oh, yes, right. I was eating lunch when I was suddenly approached by a semi-naked man in a pair of high-heeled red shoes and a feather boa. He asked if I had change for a dollar, so I gave him three nickels, four dimes, two quarters and five pennies. He dropped the change, and two women from the next table helped us pick it up. After he left, I went to leave. That’s when I noticed that my cowbell was missing.

M: Hmmm…a feather boa?

IQ: Yes, a pink one.

M: Sounds like CCZ. And, if I’m not mistaken, the two women were his henchmen, Pixeldust and Dollylama. Never fear, Mr. IQ! Super Meowza will return your cowbell!

(Meowza swirls his cape around him and dramatically leaves the scene. Cut to a scene with CCZ, Pixeldust and Dollylama sitting in secluded booth in restaurant. Cowbell sits on table)

CCZ: (rubbing his hands in glee as he admires the cowbell) Excellent work, my pretties, excellent work. World domination is finally within our grasp!

P: (skeptically) (Looks like an ordinary cowbell to me.

D: Yeah, why all the fuss over a cowbell?

CCZ: (grabs cowbell and clutches close to chest, polishing with feather boa) Ah, but this is no ordinary cowbell. Cover your ears and watch.

(Dollylama and Pixeldust obediently cover their ears with their hands. CCZ begins to rhythmically hit cowbell with spoon. All restaurant patrons instantly stop talking, rise to their feet and turn towards him.)

CCZ: See? With this cowbell, we can control the world! I will use the Internet to spread the power of the cowbell. Once I have conquered that, the rest of the world will quickly follow! Mwahahahaha! (evil laugh)

(Door to restaurant suddenly opens. CCZ stops hitting cowbell and patrons sit back down and resume eating. Super Meowza sweeps into room.)

M: Up to your old tricks, CCZ?

CCZ: Super Meowza! How did you find me?

M: I used my super powers – that, and the fact that people tend to remember a man in stilettos and a feather boa. Now unhand that cowbell!

CCZ: Never!

(grabs cowbell and starts to frantically hit it. Super Meowza starts to walk towards CCZ.)

CCZ: Stop! You are under my power!

(Super Meowza continues to approach. Pixeldust, Dollylama and restaurant patrons stand and stare at cowbell)

CCZ: Stop! No one can resist the cowbell!!

(Super Meowza grabs the cowbell, then swiftly ties CCZ up with feather boa. Pixeldust and Dollylama sit back down, looking confused)

CCZ: Foiled again! How did you do it? How did you resist the Power of the Cowbell?

M: ((puffing out chest) That is why I am the one and only – Super Meowza!

STARRING: Dr. Meowza, Associate Adjunct Professor of Creative Arts, Hatsberg Community College and Dog Grooming School

The Setting:
Hatsberg Community College, a converted nursing home, still smelling of urine.

The Cast:
Meowza: Washed up, burned out, know-it-all moron. Walmart fashion sense.
Meggie: A hot young thing with a tendency for exhibitionism.
Dollyllama: Sultry, simmering, stewing, suave, and sexy.
CCZ: Nerd with black glasses as thick as his eyebrows. IT Tech Guy.
MPolgara: Demented phone psychic with sadistic predictions.
Galoot: Beefy football jock looking forward to his GED class reunion.

The Scene:
Meowza walking down the hall, talking to himself about the classroom he is about to enter and teach…

MEOWZA: God, I hate this place! I hate this place! I deserve better! I should be teaching at Harvard, but, NOooooOOOOoooooo, they wanted good grades and talent. Now I’m stuck in Hicksville!

Meowza stops in front of the classroom door and sighs heavily, opens the door, and enters his new class. Five, bright eyed, students look up and stare at him as he begins. He walks to the chalkboard, avoiding eye contact, and writes his name on the board.

MEOWZA: Good evening class. My name is Dr. Meowza and this class is Creative Creativity. In this class you will learn how to open your mind and heart and unfurl the sails of your creative side.

Meggie stands revealing her slim, young figure for all to see.
MEGGIE: OH! OH! Can we pose nude for the class? I did that in my last class!

MEOWZA: What? And what class was that?

MEGGIE: Geography. I’m not sure how it related, but I can do it here too!

MEOWZA: UHhhhhh. I’m not sure if we’ll do that here…

MEGGIE: I can do in your office like the other professors wanted if you want!

MEOWZA: UHhhhhh. I’ll take that into consideration. But, let’s get started here. Creative Creativity is my own class unleashing your potential as an artist.

MPOLGARA: You don’t plan on using yourself as an example, do you? I mean, come on, you’re an Adjunct at a loser school.

MEOWZA: Excuse me?! I choose to be here.

GALOOT: Oh yeah, just like I chose to be on parole!

MEOWZA: Now see here, we will have respect in this classroom.

GALOOT: Respect? Here, respect this! (Galoot makes an obscene gesture. The classroom laughs.)

MEOWZA: Ahem. That is improper behavior.

GALOOT: I thought it was pretty creative! HA HA!

MEOWZA: No sir, it is not. Now, we must focus to be free in creativity.

DOLLYLLAMA: Ohhhhh… A rhyme. That was good. Poets really turn me on. (She smoothes her black evening dress, her hands lingering in dangerous places.)

MEGGIE: Me too! Can I take my clothes off now?

GALOOT: ALL RIGHT! ACTION! That’s what I’m talking about!

MPOLGARA: I used to answer my psychic calls while I was naked. I’d tell people that they were going to die in a horrible accident. I’d call them back later and make them think a stalker was after them.

MEOWZA: CLASS! Attention. We are here to learn! Now stop it!

DOLLYLLAMA: You know, Dr. Meowza, it’s hard to stop a burning forest fire once it’s started.

MEGGIE: OK! Here goes the blouse!

MEOWZA: NO! Not here!

MEGGIE: (Sullenly) Oh, sorry, I didn’t know your preference. Maybe CCZ can help you in THAT department.

CCZ: What? What do you mean by that? Just because I wear my mother’s clothes and prance around the house at night to Barry Manilow doesn’t mean anything!

MEOWZA: Oh God.

DOLLYLLAMA: I like Barry too. He makes me all steamy.

GALOOT: Oh man oh man! I’ve got to get my camera!

MEGGIE: Here, you can use mine!

CCZ: Ooooo. A Sony Digital Video DCRVX2100, broadcast quality semi-professional video camera. That gets me hot. I love digital quality.

DOLLYLLAMA: I love certain digital things too, if you know what I mean. (Dangerous hands again.)

MEGGIE: Oh, I DO!

MPOLGARA: You know, with my connections, we could start a web site with PHONE SUPPORT. Meggie, you could have your own live Web Cam.

MEGGIE: Can I get naked?!

MPOLGARA: All you want, and people will pay big bucks too!

GALOOT: I’m startin’ to LOVE this class!

CCZ: I could set up the network and servers in my basement, if you don’t tell mom…

DOLLYLLAMA: (Steamily) Do you need a Dominatrix perhaps? I like whips and whipping cream. Oh, I like bad boys too. Bad boys who need punishment…

CCZ: (Raising his hand) I’ve been a naughty tech.

MPOLGARA: You know, people pay to see that…

MEOWZA: CLASS! CLASS! We’re here to learn!

DOLLYLLAMA: Why don’t you just toodle-loo now professor. I think we’ve learned enough from you.

Meowza exits, his head hung low. The last thing he hears is Meggie…

MEGGIE: Can I get naked now?!

ACT I

Meowza, shaded so as to disguise his face, is typing at his computer. Zoom in to monitor screen, where meowza is chatting with dollyllama, CCZ, makotosan, and Galoot. (Note that all dialogue in sarcasm tags is not spoken, but is rather shown on meowza's computer screen.)

ChanServ: *** meowza (meowza@8398faf6.cpe.net.cable.f33844f1.com.hmsk) joined
*** dollyllama sets channel #w1khyjinx mode +v meowza

CCZ: Hello meowza!

makotosan: meowza!!

dollyllama: wb meowza :)

meowza: thanks ;]

Galoot: you were gone?

* meowza finds the closest large object and gives Galoot a slap with it

meowza: hey, you guys wanna go to the w1k party? its in teh shack

dollyllama: alright then

CCZ: Sure!

makotosan: ok :)

Galoot: do they have snacks?

meowza: yeah

Galoot: ok, I'm going then

meowza: ok, cool

*** meowza quit (Quit: partyz!!!!)

*** dollyllama quit (Quit: party)

*** CCZ quit (Quit: Off to the shack...)

*** makotosan quit (Quit: party! :))

*** Galoot quit (Quit: party)

Meowza stands up (face still hidden), and walks to his closet. He pulls out what looks like a giant paper bag, and puts it over his head. It turns out to be a meowza doll suit, which he then zips up. Then, meowza goes back to his computer, where he pushes a secret button in the keyboard. He is sucked into the monitor, into his Firefox browser.

ACT II

Meowza lands inside the All Forums page, where he hits his head on the General Stupidity. Meowza then poofs into the Gen. Stupidity forums, and promptly runs toward the back button on the screen. He bites off a piece of the Back arrow and poofs back to the All Forums page, where he is met by the other four.

Galoot: What's wrong, meowza?

meowza: It was horrible! There was KZ...but then there was this guy named Underalls, and Underoos, and Thunderoos, and...and...

Dolly slaps meowza with a large trout. Everyone stares at meowza and blinks for several seconds, as drippy trout juices run down meowza's costume head.

makotosan: Let's go before the party's over!

All go to the Sugar Shack link, where they pick up CCZ and throw him at the link, poofing them all to the Sugar Shack.

ACT III

All are outside the Sugar Shack, a giant gingerbread house. Outside, "happy" upbeat music can be heard, and what looks like rabbit footprints can be seen outside. All go inside.

meowza: Yay! We made it! Let's dance!

All dance: meowza jumps up and down; CCZ begins disco dancing; makotosan twirls like a ballerina; Galoot pulls out a giant neon "G" and kicks it, turning it into a "J"; and dolly does backflips repeatedly. A superkid128234-esque goat can be seen flying back and forth across the screen in the background.

---

END. A repeat button can be added to the screen at this point, while the dancers continue behind.

EXT. VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA - SUNSET

It's a wonderfully clear, sharp day. The mountains look close enough to touch. English Bay is white with sails. There are just enough clouds for a beautiful sunset.

INT. DARK, DANK, DREARY BASEMENT

Cluttered, low-rent artist's studio. Trash litters the floor. A single dim bulb hanging from ceiling illuminates MEOWZA, 30. He is hunched over a second-hand drafting table, drawing a cartoon.

The cartoon is of a patchwork cat of strange proportions, handcuffed. A police officer is standing near the cat, who is saying "But Officer, I swear to God I thought she was 18!"

The Officer says, "It doesn't matter how old she is, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO STAB PEOPLE IN THE FACE!"

MEOWZA
Ha ha ha ha ha! I love that joke!

A bright light pierces the gloom as the sound of an angelic chorus swells. A beautiful Angel descends into the room on a shaft of pure, white light. Meowza stares at the Angel, enraptured, as trash is blown against the walls.

ANGEL
We have seen your work, Meowza, and judged it Worthy. You are to come with me.

ANGEL takes MEOWZA's left hand and they ride up the beam of light. Meowza's right hand is twitching.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE - DAY

Behind an expansive desk sits a nebbish PUBLISHER, 42. ANGEL and MEOWZA stand before him. The room is lit by the radiance of the Angel and by a cashier's lamp on PUBLISHER's desk.

PUBLISHER
I do not understand your humor but the kids today seem to like this sort of thing. I'm offering you one million dollars - Canadian, of course - for the rights to publish your comic book.

MEOWZA
That's too much. Just give me twenty-seven microwave burritos and we'll call it even.

ANGEL
You have chosen wisely, gifted one.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - FULL OF HIP YOUNGSTERS - EVENING

A hip young guy, all in black with piercings and tattoos, and a hip young girl, with a pink mohawk and orange spandex tube-top, are reading a comic book at a table in the coffee shop.

HIP YOUNG GUY
This comic totally rocks!

HIP YOUNG GIRL
That makes me so hot for you!

EXT. VANCOUVER - NIGHT

The Angel is sitting on a cloud overlooking nighttime Vancouver and reading the same comic book.

ANGEL
And all is now right with the world...