Weight watchers take note. Chez Calorique Intaque's Internet Cafe is open for business with a dessert menu from out of this world. Your cyber food order is conveniently delivered straight to your personal computer through the internet. And best of all, you will not gain an ounce!

Last evening I had the pleasure of ordering Chef rwolosyn's 'Strawberry Custard a la Modem'. The efficient and polite server downloaded it high speed. This eye candy, although only window dressing, was a ‘site’ to behold. The full view left me drooling. I could only browse for so long before this vision of scrumptiousness drew me in. With salivating taste buds I licked my monitor's screen from top to bottom, and then back again. My deprived senses were jolted like a burst of electricity coursing through my tongue. As I slobbered up those saturated strawberries I wondered when will this delightful dessert ever end? I savored every bit and byte. After a second helping, feeling not the slightest bit bloated, I was even hungrier than when I started.

Chez Calorique Intaque's Internet Cafe was a unique and memorable dining experience and I would highly recommend it to all dessert loving dieters. However, those looking for more substance may experience an empty feeling and find that the menu leaves much to be desired. Overall I give this fine establishment a rating of 8 out of 10 because it truly has that special "something that sets it apart from just being great".

When you visit Chez Calorique (and if you are reading this review, you will), do yourself a favor. Skip the appetizer. Skip the salad. Skip the entree. As the saying goes, “life is short, eat dessert first,” and second. If you are so inclined, go for thirds. It is worth the time on the treadmill.

The assortment arrives on an oversized cart and the sheer number of choices is almost overwhelming. From the simple chocolate cake (if three layers of lusciously moist chocolate cake separated by sinfully rich fudge frosting can be considered simple) to the thrilling Apples Romanoff flambé, the abundance and diversity makes choosing one a most difficult task.

On the advice of the headwaiter, I decided to partake of the Strawberry Custard. I have not tried the other desserts at Chez Calorique, and after experiencing this culinary marvel, I may not. Based on its appearance alone, it is divine. The smoothness of the custard, the glistening sheen of the glaze, and the brilliant crimson of the obviously fresh strawberries combine to give the eyes a foretaste of the delight to come.

As you raise the first bite, your olfactory senses are immediately engaged. The fruity scent of the berries combined with the warm sugary aroma from the custard has your mouth watering so much you hardly dare to open it. Yet, you cannot stop yourself.

With the first bite, the flavor bursts in your mouth, saturating your taste buds with its sweet, succulent essence. You will have the next bite ready and poised before swallowing the first, so as to minimize the time during which you are not tasting this amazing delicacy. And before you have finished, you will be asking the waiter to bring another.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of dining at Chez Calorique Intaque, a most charming troquet nestled, almost hidden, near Chicago's Gold Coast. Shall I tell you exactly where? I can't bring myself to—it's simply divine, and I want it all to myself!

The regular dinner fare at Chez Calorique is quite delectable, succulent really, with sauces to die for. But their specialty is desserts—simply oodles of the most tempting selections! Of course, nothing but the best for moi, so I chose a most complex dessert—a crustade of rich vanilla custard topped with strawberries. Obviously fresh, the fruit was folded into the custard, with only the largest ones sitting temptingly at the center. One bite and I was hooked—couldn't have been more gratifying. The flavor was magnifique!

Shall I describe it to you? Imagine the sweetness of the finest honey, the exotic hints of vanilla, and the texture of thick cream, lying contentedly in a crust—a crust so tender it falls away with your breath! The fruit was carefully added to the custard as not to bruise its tender flesh. The whole of the assembly was drizzled with a light lemon glaze. The combination of flavors is unmatched—no établissement on the continent could hope to discover it.

Hubert, the maitre d', is a dear, and knew I was simply ecstatic! Before I finished another serving of this masterpiece was at my table. How could I refuse? Darlings, I dare you to find this treasure, but don't expect Auntie to tell you how!

“Auntie”

I have always enjoyed coming back to New York, a city of wonderful cuisine and colourful characters. However, it was with some difficulty that I found my way to ‘Chez Calorique Intaque’, which, as you will be aware, is the most recent of the city’s restaurants to receive that coveted third Michelin star. After finally ‘hailing’ one of the city’s delightfully quaint taxis, I instructed the driver, “You! Take me to Chez Calorique Intaque, and not by Albany either – I do know what you people are like, with your ‘tourist routes’.” Admittedly, I was rather tense - having waited a good five minutes in the rain, my Jasper Conran suit was quite close to ruin.

Happily, this chap was rather a cut above the usual ruffians they have driving taxis these days. He replied, “Shay Calorific? Pfft! I’ll show you where you should eat,” followed by some other phrases in a local vernacular that I am ashamed to admit, I completely failed to comprehend.

Shortly, we stopped outside a frightfully garish-looking establishment. As I stepped from the car, I realized the theme – post-retro pop art!

The interior perfectly confirmed this. Bright lighting and brash furnishings; waitresses in awful, dated attire.

The charming simplicity of the menu was a shocking delight. Undoubtedly influenced by the pop-art idée, the café has foregone the pretentious indulgence of naming its creations; instead one is greeted by a wonderfully collage of images – photographs of the dishes on offer! Set beside these charmingly plain pictures, one finds ironic descriptions of the dish. Such as ‘Frosty Dairy Dessert’ – written next to an image of Crême Glacée.

And the defining moment of my night: The picture of the ‘NEW! Strawberry Custard’. Clearly a variation on Crème Anglais, the lustrous sheen spoke to my taste buds as I regarded the glossy photograph. I could not wait to order entrées and the main course - I had to experience this amazing dessert!

When it came, I dove in with my 'plastic' spoon, to find a gastronomic experience I fear can never be bettered. Such simplicity! I never expected to find such joy in a lack of ingredients! For there was an unexpected lack of brandy, a shocking lack of saffron, even the obligatory balsamic was missing from these strawberries.

I left amazed. I urge you all to eat at this restaurant. It’s just such a wonderful change!

Greetings again from the hesitant gourmet, here with another FAWN (Food Allergies Warning Network) report! I’m back from another careful but enthusiastic excursion, this time at Chez Calorique Intaque. And let me tell you, the food was well worth every second spent and potential ounce gained! This time I’m going to fawn (ha ha) over some of the desserts there! As you know, members of FAWN have difficulties finding desserts that won’t cause symptoms – to many of our lactose intolerant or diabetic folk, “Death by Chocolate” sounds more threat than treat.

But trust me, Chez Calorique Intaque has something for everyone. One of my favorites is the Strawberry Custard, which almost defies words. The dish features fresh, juicy strawberries, a flaky pastry crust, and of course a delicious custard. I’ve asked our photographer rwolosyn to include a picture, so that you might get a glimpse into this rich, tasty delicacy. Besides strawberries, ingredients include eggs, vanilla, sugar and currant jelly, opening this tempting possibility up to a majority of you. A whipped cream topping is optional (though of course I had to pass on it, as you’ll notice from the image).

Of course, I know just the word “strawberry” means a number of my readers dare not try this. But that’s where their selection comes into play. Take for example the “Nutty Butter”, 5 kinds of nuts atop a peanut butter parfait, or the “Ginger Pumpkin Mousse” that tantalizes your taste buds. And naturally a wide selection of cakes and pies, many of which are sugar free!

To sum up, their desserts get a 8 out of 10 from me for selection and price, with the Custard itself getting a perfect 10 due to taste. Next week I’ll touch on the entrees. See you then!

Hi folks! Your resident food critic, Hannibal Lector, here to tell you about a restaurant which caters to the tastes of Carnivorous Omnivorii quite legally; it's called Chez Calorique Intaque.

The chef first titillated my palate with an exceptional entrée, but it was the dessert that sent my taste buds into a minor gustatory nova. Quite remarkably, he has managed to simulate one of my own dishes by using simple ingredients, which are almost equal in sheer taste sensation. 'The Taste of Crime Without Doing Time', is the general idea.

The menu reads 'Strawberry Custard'. Yet I immediately recognized it as a very good substitute for my own, Live Embryo of Silent Lamb Stewed with Proletariat Brains. (They are so much juicier than those of dried-up intellectuals.) The entire dish had been placed on a bed of adipose tissue that was so ripe, it could have been collected in the field, so to speak.

The chef d’oeuvre, however, was the addition of a facsimile dismembered hand which was so realistic, I examined it closely for a wedding band mark. Tender? Mmmm! It had obviously been stewed in its own juices beforehand. As you can see from the illustration, it literally fell apart as soon as I stuck my fork in it.

This delicious concoction had been simmered in a glaze of dripping and cochineal that so closely resembled agglutinated hemoglobin it would have set old Count Dracula himself drooling. You may say, "it's not the real thing", but when it gets that close, I have to give it one thumb up. (I got so excited during the meal, I ate the other thumb.)

At last restaurants are beginning to realize that, to survive in today’s competitive world, they have to cater for the dietary habits of niche groups like ourselves.

So give this fantastic dish a try at Chez Calorique Intaque, and remember our slogan: "If it’s recommended by Hannibal, it is to die for."

Keep chewing fans~~~.

H.L.

In this issue of the Hog Wild News, I'm gonna tell you 'bout this here place with a fancy name that I can't pronounce and the fancy food they got. See, I went to the city this weekend with my cousin Reggie (only they call him “Reginald” up there, hell if I know why). He takes me to this restaurant where you have to take a bath first AND wear a tie..and it ain't even Easter Sunday! Well, the food was pretty good, but they musta thought we was all on diets, because them servings was tiny! No way in hell I could eat like that round here, not and wrestle them pigs and all. Anyway, I had 'bout given up getting enough to eat when Reggie goes and orders this dessert that was so good—Mama ain't never wrangled up nothin' like that (but don't tell her I said so seein' as I hate sleeping with Blue). I think they called it custard but I knowed it was good old nilla puddin! Was it good! Light as the down off my prize goose. I watched Mama fix it plenty of times, but I think this place put in more eggs that she does, and instead of bananas, they used strawberries. Ain't that something? Fresh strawberries and it ain't even in season! Reggie knowed I liked it 'cause he got us some more and more of that fancy ginger ale in the long, skinny glasses. When we left there we was full as ticks and twice as happy! When y'all go up there, let me know and I'll have Reggie meet up with you. Just call him Reginald when you go.

Buzz

Zut alors! Chez Calorique Intaque takes the cake; actually, the custard!

I could tell you about the atmosphere, the excellent and attentive waiting staff, the dinner that made creativity seem a bland and inadequate word. But then I might miss out on the dessert menu.

The list of desserts read like a steamy novel. Sure, I had reserved a seat at the restaurant but I only used the edge. Anticipation laughed at what I was feeling. I had to decide, the pressure built, the waiter was nearby, I could almost hear him breathing. Yet I knew why I was here: Chef Wolosyn's "Wonder". The name hardly prepares you. "Fascination des Fraises".

From the image we captured above, you can see the strawberries are delighted to be so intimately acquainted with the custard. Their eagerness to share their experience radiates up from the presentation and you are all but drawn helplessly yet at the same time with rapturous abandon to their delicious, seemingly alternate, reality.

With an obsessed plunge, my fork nearly dove in with a mind of its own seeking a strawberry target. The custard was relentless in its refusal to give up its glazed prize but in the end I pulled it free leaving a craterous wound in my foe. My teeth sank into the forbidden fruit and after the briefest moment of resistence it exploded into a cavalcade of colour and texture; the taste too complicated to comprehend let alone describe. I swooned, just barely catching myself from heading south and realized I had closed my eyes, caught my breath -- my fork lay spent on the tablecloth beside the plate. I cannot recount the events following only to note with pleasure and pain both that the deliverance in a bowl was gone and, oh yeah, the coffee sucked.

The only word to describe the strawberry custard at Chez Calorique is "heavenly". The texture alone makes one's mouth water. The silky custard slides ever-so-gently down your throat. That is, if your taste buds will let you swallow this delicious treat. The flavor could bring the strongest man to his knees. With thick, sweet goodness topped in strawberries as red as the first rose of summer, and just as satisfying. Myself I was so delighted, I ordered seconds. The rest of the dessert menu was just as delectible. Key lime pie, ice cream sundaes, and an array of fruit salads with the freshest fruits available. Bon appetite!