1. You put your assets in.
2. You take your free will out.
3. You take the flowers to the airport and you pass them all about.
4. You lock the gates and load your gun to keep the agents out.
That's what it's all about.
5. You bring the runaways in.
6. You keep their parents out.
7. You tell them that we love them with a joyous hug and shout.
8. If they have objections, you fill their heads with doubt.
That's what it's all about.
9. You set the bunk beds up.
10. You get the sneakers out.
11. You parrot what the leader says to prove that you're devout.
12. You're faith will soon be tested when he hands the Kool-Aid out.
That's what it's all about.

1. Thou shalt run with scissors. And thy scissors shall be sharp.

2. Thou shalt not floss. Thou shalt not floss thy teeth, nor thy neighbor's teeth. Thou shalt not clean thy teeth with any wax covered string.

3. Exercise is an abomination. Thou shalt not run upon the treadmill, nor walk around the park. Thou shalt not engage in Aerobicizing nor Pilates. Neither shalt thou Sweat To The Oldies.

4. Thou shalt not look upon the brighter side nor shalt thou look for silver linings.

5. Should thee have a gift horse, thou shalt gaze into his mouth.

6. On the 15th Day of the Fourth Month thou shalt inquire of the Internal Revenue Service. And thou shalt ask, "Wouldst thee like to audit mine return?".

7. When thou see a book upon a shelf or table or someplace else, thou shalt judge it by its cover and by its cover only shall you judge it.

8. Thou shalt pass wind in public places and blame it on thy boss or thy bosses boss or thy in-laws or even thy spouse.

9. When for the first time thou inters a text contest thou shalt have tiepos and run ons and bad grammar and should avoid punkshuation and spellchekkers

10. Thou shalt vote favorably for new contestants. Nines and tens shalt thou give them. Thou shalt not give them less than sevens except perhaps for sixes, but certainly not fives or below.

1) Brethren shall elucidate in vernacular originating only as found in sources of thesaurus compendium.

2) Be known to all our distaste of colloquial verbiage.

3) Fellowship shall bear at all hours the order's archetypal Vade Mecum (thesaurus) on their person in perpetuum.

4) Betray not your brethren with ill-advised relations concomitant to insipid estimation.

5) Honorable sirs shall elicit their betrothal of annual emolument for 15 dollars to sustain one's societal competency.

6) No domestic variety of the family Canidae or similar quadrupedal specimens permitted in headquarters.

7) Fellowship ethics recognize as standard convention any interjection for the purpose of effecting conformance in instances of social incongruity.

8) Profligacy of spirituous libation during observed assemblage is not befitting and will bring consequence of an involuntary hiatus for one-week duration.

9) No evacuation of corporeal fluids in the society natatorium.

10) This aggregation shall be retained cerebrally and unquestioningly for future recollection.

These are the rules of the Secret Society of Fiendish Puzzle Solvers:

0. Only six of the rules 1 through 9 are valid.
1. You shall attempt to solve any fiendish puzzles you encounter.
2. You shall always disclose the solution to the other members of the society.
3. You shall never disclose the solution to any non-members.
4. Rule number 2 is not valid.
5. Rule number 4 is just as valid as rule number 3.
6. Rule number 1 and rule number 5 are not equally valid.
7. Rule number 2 is just as valid as rule number 5.
8. Rule number 6 is just as invalid as rule number 4.
9. Rule number 3 and rule number 8 are not valid.

Top Ten rules

1) Members should not jostle when in line to post their Elvis Sightings and Location slips in the Elvis Sightings and Location box.

2) Anyone who misses a work period because of an alien abduction must make up the lost time. NO exceptions.

3)Members and associates of the Geller family when on dish-washing duty must refrain from bending the spoons.

4) Senior church members who go outside the church premises wearing their Post-Epiphanetic robes must NOT respond to the hostility of the public. Please leave that to the Death Squads.

5) Any church member found corresponding to Charles Manson on church notepaper will be defrocked immediately. Please use your own paper.

6) There is to be NO chatter during the ritual Disembowelment and Castration Ceremony. Please observe a reverent silence.

7) Body parts collected during any of the initiation procedures must NOT be placed in the recycling bin. Please take them to the head cook.

8) Do NOT release the safety catch on your automatic weapon when herding recalcitrant initiates; accidents happen this way. Please use your gun butt instead; unless of course there is a riot.

9) You must comply with the No Smoking rules when tossing failed initiates into the gas chambers.

10) During next Monday’s mass suicide event, members MUST use the cyanide-laced orange-aid provided. Anyone who brings their own beverage will be severely reprimanded by the LMS. *

* Last Man Standing.

The Ten Rules of the Cult of Honesty and Direction

1. The first rule is to read the eighth rule second.

2. The second rule is to read the seventh rule seventh.

3. The third rule is to read the ninth rule ninth.

4. Thank you for following directions. You are accepted. In the unlikely event that you read this rule by not following directions or reading out of order, we are sorry but we must refuse your admission to this cult. Thank you for your time.

5. The fifth rule is to read the sixth rule fifth.

6. The sixth rule is to read the second rule sixth.

7. The seventh rule is to read the third rule eighth.

8. The eighth rule is to read the tenth rule third.

9. The ninth rule is to read the fourth rule tenth.

10. The tenth rule is to read the fifth rule fourth.

1) Greet all fellow travelers with a wink, a bow and a fierce handshake. Prepare to defend yourself if necessary.

2) Create your own transit uniform of your favorite means of transit. Remember that there is no emphasis on accuracy here, in fact the cult prefers if the copy uniform is an obvious fake.
a. Wear said uniform whenever you travel. Greet all fellow transit employees like they are co-workers.
b. While wearing your uniform you must not pay any transit fees or charges
c. Prepare to be confronted by authorities or transit personnel and perhaps be arrested

3) When waiting for a bus, train etc. always bud in front of the line. Keep elbows up and head down. Push were required. Be prepared to defend yourself when the crowd or line is large. Note: Prepare to defend yourself if necessary.

4) Pick a specific seat on the bus/ train/ streetcar etc. Always try to take that exact seat. If someone is sitting in your seat then forcible remove them. The cult recommends writing your name on the bottom of your seat. Believe it or not some people ask you this. Note: Prepare to defend yourself if necessary.

5) Always talk to all fellow passengers around you. The conversation should be loud, focused on you and should be deeply personal or opinionated. Please note that you may have to defend yourself if required. (refer to rule #8 for additional topics for conversation

6) Wake up all fellow passengers whom you notice fall asleep or are about too. The cult of the transit cannot abide sleeping on transit. How can your fellow travelers listen to your stores if they are sleeping? Prepare to defend yourself here once again as this really agitates people

7) Remove all reading materials from your fellow passengers. Once again reading gets in the way of friendly conversation eh? You should really expect a fight on this one.

8) All meals should be consumed while on transit where possible. Please do not let the eating get in the way of your wonderful stories. Now this one almost guarantees a fight. I mean people generally do not like having food being spit on them while someone is talking

9) Feel free to make fun of your fellow passengers. If someone has a really bad haircut, tell them and make sure every one else can hear you. A cheap suit or ugly dress, let them know. This one will get you beat up for sure. Martial arts training or concealed weapons are strongly recommended here.

10) Reserved (not for the newly inducted)

Let these rules be your guide no matter what role-playing game system you use or how many players you have:

1. Your word is law and is never to be questioned.

2. Do not take abuse from the players. See rule #1.

3. Customize the game rules to suit yourself and change those rules often without telling the players until it is working against them.

4. Let the players know that you are open to bribes and have a sliding scale for those bribes.

5. Randomly roll dice and make notes to keep the players guessing.

6. Learn the phrase "no noticeable effect" and quote it often in regards to players trying to use magical effects or technological items in the game.

7. If the players try to go outside of your preplanned adventure storyline, jerk them back with the death of a character or two.

8. Never worry about being prepared ahead of time. You can always make up stuff as you go a long. See rule #1.

9. Most game systems are designed for player cooperation, so pass secret notes to help encourage backstabbing and infighting.

10. Lastly, remember that it’s them against you and that they outnumber you, so never forget rule #1.

The following code is hereby sworn by us the brotherhood of the Dragon. We swear by our blood to the rights and rituals forthwith. By now and forever.

1.) The great Red Sphulcor Dragon shall always lead the games for it is he who brings the cheesy puffs.

2.) Any Dragon caught using a loaded dice or substituting a 25 sided dice for the official 20 sided dice will be punished with 3 less attack points on rolls for the entire night.

3.) The brotherhood requires a blood letting initiation for new dragons. Founding members are excused from the initiation.

4.) The dark Lavenshire tomb, for which our games are held shall always be properly prepared. Yellow Dark Mercy Dragon hereby commits to this task. Lavish treatments of dark candles, evil tapestries and many black lights are required. Yellow Dark Mercy will also prevent his little sister from entering the dark holy domain.

5.) Any dragon who speaketh of the evil goings on of the circle of dragons will have to spend a night in the closet of deceit. He must embrace Black Justice Dragon mother's huge underwear to atone.

6.) In the case of a dragon's orcs being imbued with the farkoth magical enchantment. He must roll again for the right to attack on the same turn. The remaining dragons have an opportunity to slay the enchanted Orcs only
if they carry the dark eye of farkoth.

8.) All Dragons of the dark realm deserve each others respect. It is hereby noted that Orange Scary Tooth Dragon will go home if this rule is broken.

9) Silver Steel Dragon would like it noted that Scary Tooth wets the bed.

10.) Ozzy Rules!

8 Immutable Membership Requirements for the...

Well-Meaning Yet Annoying Friends Armed with EMail Society

Forward at least one message weekly (if not daily) to everyone in your address book from each of the categories below that:

---is nauseatingly schmaltzy
---begins with "this is long but worth reading all the way through."
---begins with " I don't usually forward things like this but..."
---warns the reader to: "pass this along to everyone you know."
---contains a video file attachment in a file format no one can open
---is so large, it crashes all but the most robust email servers
---has already made the rounds but is new to you so you feel compelled to share it.
---contains a lame top ten list