All cellphones will incorporate a Waverley-Hatfield Enhanced Response Environment Awareness and Motion Indicator (WHEREAMI) employing GPS, temperature, echo-soundings and ambient electromagnetic fields to assess the operating environment.
The WHEREAMI will interface to a built-in Zylabs Acute Persuasion and Punitive Action Dispenser (ZAPPAD).

The ZAPPAD will react to the WHEREAMI in the following manner:

5 : Public Areas : The unit will increase temperature with the speaking level of the user. At 30 decibels it will make the unit uncomfortable to hold. At 50 decibels it will burn off the user's hand.

4 : Elevators: If the user initiates a call or speaks for more than 10 seconds on an incoming call it will emit a foul-smelling odor and make a rude noise.

3 : On public transport, seated close to sleeping passengers: If cellphone use wakes a passenger it will bite off the user's ear.

2 : Driver's seat of moving vehicle: If the user makes or answers a call it will b*tch-slap the user and immobilize the vehicle .

1 : Movies and Theaters : If the unit is still turned on 10 seconds after the performance commences it will drive a sharpened steel rod through the user's heart, call 911 to report the fatality and then turn itself off.

1) ….every cell phone would have an 'Insensitivity Circuit ' . When a user talked too loud and personal in a confined space, those around could activate the circuit from their own phones. The perpetrator’s phone would then squirt a mixture of soy sauce and dog doo into his/her ear.

2) …all cell phones would be inter-connected globally to S.E.T.I.. Thus millions of lunatic conversations would be broadcast into space every hour. This would ensure that NO intelligent species would ever come near us, avoiding a potential alien invasion.

3) ...every cell phone would have the ability (Star Trek sound effect and all) to remove the owner bodily to some other location. Thus avoiding violence, boredom or work (or, as is often the case, all three).

4) …every cell phone would have a Food-to-Phone Service. Dial up a burger, and presto! There it is, hot and steaming.

5) …every cell phone would have an Ideal Sex-Partner Service. Dial up the service, and presto! There he/she is, hot and steaming.

Be the first in your neighborhood to own the following new models from practi-phone™

Swiss Army Phone: This version comes with ten different attachments; fork, knife, spoon, corkscrew, tweezers, toothpick, ice pick, lint brush, bottle opener, and lighter. (Warning: talking on phone with attachments open could cause lacerations, permanent hearing loss, or in rare cases death.)

Edible Cell: We now have five flavors to choose from; chocolate, cherry, citrus, coconut, and caramel (The Surgeon General warns that consuming a large number of cell phones could cause cancer and or constipation)

Nanophone: Our smallest cell phone ever is the size of a dime. It comes with a magnifying lens and a pin for pressing numbers.

The Talk-and-Test: For the heavy drinker that says the wrong things when drunk. This normal looking phone uses a standard breathalyzer to determine how soused the user is. If your level goes above the legal limit, the phone shuts off to prevent embarrassing conversations.

Derringer: The ultimate in personal protection, just enter a preprogrammed ten digit code to arm and fire this one shot weapon. It has an accuracy of up to four feet, and fires a 5mm projectile.

1. Cell phones should have Attitude I.D.
Cell phones already let you know the number that is calling. But wouldn't it be great to know what kind of mood the caller is in. If your boss is calling to yell at you then you just don't answer.

2. They need a built in ear wax remover.
Since most people seem to have them permanently attached to their ears, why not combine bad etiquette with good hygiene. Of course I have seen people use the antennae for this, but that is nasty.

3. They would have a food detector.
A chip that detects the presence of food would automatically turn the phone off in restaurants. For some reason I just don't care to hear the guy behind me discuss how his rash is no longer spreading but just itches and burns.

4. They should also be made with a remote control.
It would turn on your tv and your computer simply by calling them. That way you wouldn't have to waste a single unproductive moment when you get home from work.

5. Phones should be Pez dispensers.
You can already get music, video, and games on your phone. Who needs all of that junk? What you really need is Pez. Whenever you flipped open the phone to take a call, cherry pez would come out.

1. Make the keypad bigger, so it's not such a hassle to use. The numpad on a computer keyboard is a good guideline.
2. A bigger telephone might be uncomfortable to hold up agains the ear, so I propose that the microphone and earpiece are mounted in a separate unit, connected to the phone itself through a wire.
3. Do away with radio communication. It is notoriously unreliable in urban environments, and the cellphone could easily be connected directly to the nearest central, using an infrastructure of ordinary copper wiring.
A tethered cellphone also has two distinct advantages: people will not be using them in movie theaters or while driving their car, and the phone can be provided with electricity from the central. The battery and radio transciever can thus be removed, a beneficial side effect of this is that the cellphone will be substantially cheaper to manufacture.
4. Tethered cellphones could also be set up in public places, where anyone can use them by depositing a small monetary fee. This will be helpful for people who need to call someone in a hurry.
5. Rename the device, to escape the social stigma that plague the "cellphone" name.
I will name it the "Telephone".

1. Activate your built in voice translator. Question your dog as to the whereabouts of your prized dinosaur bone. Ensure you’ve purchased a portable phone for your pooch first.

2. Mobile phones are heavy. Attach biotech limbs to it and make it do the legwork for you. Customise by painting the fur.

3. Remove the aerial to activate a 10 second grenade. Only to be used if you find yourself in an ‘action movie’ situation.

4. Make the buttons too small for anyone to use. Laugh quietly to yourself after a mugging.

5. A built in ESTC (electric shock therapy chip), will help to ensure correct spelling in text messages.

1. Offer optional “tiny typist” – very small person who can type well for those who want to text message but are just too lazy to push all those keys.

2. For the adventurous – a setting that gives you an electric shock when phone is set on vibrate mode. Electric shock varies in duration and intensity for those thrill seekers who really like to get their hearts pumping.

3. Mood sensors. Very handy for the dramatic personality. Phone senses what type of mood you’re in and sends anyone you don’t want to speak to directly to a voice mail message that says “Leave Me Alone! I’m just one person. I can’t be everything to everyone!”

4. Holographic capabilities. This is a very expensive model. Can project an image of you working while you’re somewhere else goofing off. Can fool your boss indefinitely depending upon the type of work you do.

5. Smell-o-phone. Have you ever tried to describe a smell to someone you’re on the phone with? With smell-o-phone at the push of a button the person you’re speaking to can experience the aromas that you experience. Can be very handy if you’re trying to get someone off the phone.

1) Insubordinate battery icon displays the incorrect amount of battery remaining to make calls shorter and more efficient.

2) Constant alarm goes off telling you when someone is NOT calling.

3) "Evil Caller ID" function spices up your day by giving the wrong name and number and then disguises the voice to make recognition impossible.

4) Foul smell released from the receiver when you are over your minutes.

5) William Shatner’s voice announces the current length of the call to you and the caller every thirty seconds for easy management of your minutes.

Phonebook Randomization - Once very 24 hours your phone book is swapped with someone else that uses the same cellular service.

Breath Mint Key Pad – Each key on the pad is a see-through replaceable breath mint.

Mouse Driven Power Source – A shrunken mouse is placed on a mini-wheel inside cell phone, allowing for alternative power source.

Pop Out Wheels and Pull Leash – comes in handy for those times when the 4 oz cell become impossibly heavy.

Self Destruct Device – A voice activated command for those times when stuck on impossibly long calls, listening to boring stories, from longwinded family members and friends (“Hey Mom, it’s not my fault we got cut-off my cell self imploded”)

1) When the owner is in a theatre (or similar venue), incoming calls will result in painful electric shocks.

2) Two words: Pez dispenser.

3) Phones would have meaningful relationships with their owners' other appliances.

4) If the owner tries to download that ringtone with the dancing frog, the phone will automatically explode.

5) Three words: ear hair trimmer. (Very popular with seniors!)