AP Turkey - Angry demonstrators continue to obstruct a lunatic’s quest to save God’s creations. Or so that lunatic claims.

His name is Noah and apparently he is on a mission from God. Noah claims that the Lord has warned him of an inevitable cataclysmic flood that will destroy every living species. Everything that is except for himself, his family and a ship full of confused creatures. Most onlookers believe that it is not just the creatures that seem to be confused! Noah’s mission involves collecting a male and female of each species in the animal kingdom and herding them onboard a giant ark in order to prevent their extinction.

The noise and stench from this menagerie is practically unbearable and is causing quite the uproar among local residents. An interviewed protester who calls himself Doubting Thomas ranted, “Come hell or high water, that ark is out of here!”

The undertaking of this incredible feat is quite extraordinary. The animals are divided by sex into two queues that work their way towards a set of turnstiles at the base of the gangplank. These turnstiles have counters to ensure an even number of animals board. What these turnstiles do not successfully do is ensure that same sex couples are not admitted. Unconfirmed reports claim that a pair of male unicorns were admitted unnoticed. Anonymous sources vow this is phase one of a sabotage campaign set in motion by the irate locals, and that the chimeras and jackalopes are also targeted.

Last evening as the final animals were approaching the turnstile, a rather rotund male hippopotamus got stuck in the revolving arms of the counting machine. After many hours of futile attempts to rescue him, a welcome storm cloud burst overhead and the ensuing rain helped to lubricate the wedged animal. What finally freed the exhausted hippo was a well-placed kick by the stately giraffes that were patiently waiting next in line.

As the rain continued through the night, the last animals boarded the vessel. Noah declined interviews and ignored the deluge of questions from the gathering reporters. He did however make a brief proclamation from the bow of the third deck of his monstrous ark. “Repent for the end of the world is nigh!” A hush fell over the crowd when Noah’s wife appeared and whispered something into his ear. With a loud crack of thunder as if on cue, Noah spoke in a booming voice, “Oh, and the wicked sinners responsible for castrating my griffin owe me a replacement!” It appears that the sabotage campaign is continuing.

Outraged Orangutan Escapes Enclosure with Innocent Hostage

SAN DIEGO – In a daring daylight display, Oscar the Orangutan broke out of the Zoo and remains at large. Zookeepers are warning nearby residents to remain in their homes until Oscar is apprehended.

“He snapped, he just snapped,” said Jim Williams, Chief Orangutan Officer of the Zoo.

According to witnesses, Oscar was attempting to take a mid-morning nap when the incident occurred. An unidentified teenager, eager to impress his girlfriend, began mimicking the orangutan courting ritual. Oscar thought that the rotund boy was attempting to seduce him and took immediate steps to reaffirm his maleness and sexual orientation.

Unfortunately, the outraged orangutan’s actions were misinterpreted by zoo officials.

“Many of the Zoo’s visitors are young children, and we strive to ensure that all animal displays are suitable for guests under the age of 10,” explained Williams.

Zoo officials immediately approached Oscar to escort him to a secluded area where he could conclude his display in private. That was when it happened.

“The big monkey jumped high,” said Crissy Smith, a visiting kindergartener.

“Jumped high” was an understatement. Running from the officials, Oscar approached the retaining wall at full speed. Then, in a move that would make the NBA proud, he hurtled the 15 foot wall, landing in the adjoining giraffe compound.

Taking advantage of the chaos that his appearance caused, he grabbed a large stick from the ground and mounted the nearest giraffe, Emma. Shimmying up her neck, he then held the stick to her throat, threatening to strangle her.

Unofficial sources confirmed that it is the Zoo’s policy not to negotiate with terrorists. However, this policy is routinely waived when one of the parties is an endangered species.

“As always, our first concern is for our residents,” stated Williams.

Using Emma as a hostage, Oscar negotiated his way to the front of the zoo. Witnesses report that he attempted to get the giraffe through the turnstile, but it wasn’t large enough to accommodate her lanky frame. At this point, Oscar vaulted from her neck, over the turnstile, and disappeared among a crowd of elementary school children who were leaving the zoo.

Oscar is considered armed and dangerous, and officials are urging residents to avoid any contact with him.

“He has a stick, and he has demonstrated that he's not afraid to use it,” they stated.

When questioned if they had a message for the missing primate, Williams had only one thing to say.

“This is all a terrible misunderstanding. Oscar, if you can hear this, please come home. The females are worried about you. Please, we can work this out.”

When Oscar was last seen, he was about 4 feet tall, with a dark complexion, brown eyes, and orange-red hair covering his body. When standing, his knuckles brush the ground, and his favorite foods are bananas and apples. If you see Oscar the Orangutan, please dial 9-1-1 immediately.

OUTRAGED GIRAFFE ATTACKS SUSPECT WITH BASEBALL BAT

On Saturday, terrified bystanders fled as a bereaved giraffe attempted to beat Jacob Schnossel to death with a baseball bat at the Starlight 30 Cinema Complex.
Apparently, the giraffe was central to a long-standing feud between Schnossel and his neighbor, Wilbur Roenig, who had objected to a fifty-foot fence erected by Schnossel between their houses.

Schnossel, in a phone interview earlier today, said he was skeptical of Mr. Roenig’s objections from the start. “When I brought my Daddy back from St. Clement’s Home for the Visually Impaired, his first remark was, “What fence?” Case closed. But not for Roenig. I tried to reason with him, but he’s one of these guys who finds fault wherever he looks. When he turned up at the cinema with that giraffe of his, I knew he was looking for trouble, especially as the giraffe was wearing a top hat.
I was watching an art movie, ‘Busty Teenage Vixens in Wet T-Shirts’, when he plonks hisself and that animal right in front of me. The nerve! I knew he was trying to make a point. All I did was ask him very politely to remove the giraffe’s hat. Instead, he shoved the handle of a baseball bat in the critter’s mouth and it went freakin’ berserk.”

What happened next is mere conjecture. Apparently Schnossel fled the cinema, pursued by the giraffe, with Roenig following. Schnossel leapt the turnstile, but the rather rotund Roenig seems to have gotten stuck in it.
Mr. Schnossel claims that the turnstile mechanism suddenly released, ejecting Roenig onto Highway 73, a four-lane truck route. Roenig engaged with the front grille of a passing semi, which took him to Bakersfield, 200 miles away, before the driver ‘realized he wasn’t a deer’.
Was Roenig ejected or was he pushed? Only the giraffe was witness to the sad event, and it disappeared immediately afterwards. Now, in a staggering turn of events, Schnossel claims he is being stalked by the animal.

This afternoon a neighbor, William Rossby, of 3245 Claremont Avenue, spoke to us on condition of strict anonymity, saying: “Schnossel is not a popular guy. Like, he started getting rid of pigeons in the neighborhood with a rocket launcher. Fact is, some of us wish he was being stalked.”
Schnossel has pointed out teeth marks on his second-floor windowsill but the police refuse to act, saying: “The guy’s a murder suspect. He probably did that himself; we don’t buy it. Besides, the giraffe is on the lam, why would it stick its neck out like this?”

Schnossel’s trial is due to start tomorrow and already irate neighbors are gathering outside the courtroom. One stood out in particular: a very tall man, wearing an ankle-length trench coat, sunglasses and a fedora. He carried a large placard that said: ‘Schnossel killed poor Wilbur, let the b― fry’. Our outside reporter was unable to elicit any verbal comments from him, though he concluded the man might have been a well-known basketball player from his unusual height.

San Antonio, TX - Guests of the San Antonio Zoo did not suspect the humility they would be subject to when they passed through the turnstile late Tuesday.

“I just wanted my daughter to see some animals in their natural habitat,” said one parent of her crying child, “You know, like the polar bears enjoying the Texas sun, or those giraffes picking leaves off the mesquite trees. I didn’t expect to be assaulted.”

Eye witness accounts state that Jorbo the Howler Monkey was going about his normal daily routine of tearing up a newspaper and gazing despondently through the bars of his cage when suddenly he began scooping up large amounts of fecal matter and throwing it at the people trying to interact with him. Seven guests were pelted with dung including one rotund man who suffered a minor heart attack.

“I don’t understand it,” said one of Jorbo’s zookeepers, “The guests in question were just banging on the chain link fence surrounding his display like they always do. He should be desensitized to it by now.” The zookeeper went on to describe the scene in great detail, saying that he had never seen so much “runny [fecal matter] clinging to the faces of proud Americans since Bush got elected in 2000.”

With the outburst, zoo-goers were not allowed near Jorbo’s habitat all day today. This further confused his keepers as they said, “Today he seems so at peace. He has been napping all day and even seems to be smiling.”

Outraged local parents sickened with 'sex circus'

Villagers in the small town of Stropton were left shocked and appalled last night when a visiting travelling circus degenerated into an 'animal porn show of graphic proportions.' The three-hundred-strong capacity crowd, made up predominantly of children, had settled into their seats on the recreation ground on Hamblers Heath expecting the usual light entertainment acts of clowns and acrobats. They left, however, having witnessed a 'cacophony of animal debauchery, unthwarted by the circus personnel.'

The performance had begun as any other, ringmaster Jolly Joe Johnson welcomed the families into the 'Greatest show on Earth' and introduced the first routine to the expectant throngs; the world famous Hernandez High Flyers. Unfortunately, the delighted smiles of the crowd were soon to be turned upside down.

The ringmaster next introduced a pair of performing elephants named Rosie and Salvadore. The act started well; balancing on steps, bowing to the cheering crowd. However it soon transpired that the plucky duo were somewhat of an item and that Salvadore was not shy in declaring his feelings in front of the ignorant spectators. Children laughed at the elephants playing 'piggyback' until realisation hit home and parents clambered to shield their offpsrings' innocent eyes. Two aides ran onto the stage to try and stop the act but, in doing so, other animals held backstage were released and ran out into the circle causing havoc. It is reported that up to 20 animals including giraffes, horses and monkeys went rampant through the tent as horrified onlookers rushed to the exits.

Mother of two Shirley Donaghue was in the big top when the events occurred. She told us; 'It was shocking, my poor children will be scarred for life after this horrific experience. We were enjoying the show when the animals stampeded straight for us. There was a crush as a rotund gent got stuck in the turnstile and we feared we'd be trampled.'

Two people suffered minor injuries caused by the crush, no complaints against the animals have been made as yet. A spokesman from Chuckle Brothers Circus was unavailable for comment although the remaining two performances this weekend have not been cancelled.

PLAINSVILLE Local police and paramedics responded to the Upper Platter grocery store at 5th and Market on the evening of May 14th to answer a radio call that was only described as “a person in distress”. Before the night ended, representatives from the FBI and Fish and Game departments would arrive. In the end, Hugo Appettit would only be saved by the Plainsville fire department rescue team, thanks to the device that is commonly referred to as the jaws of life.

Appettit, self-proclaimed gourmand, had the misfortune of getting stuck in one of the newly installed turnstiles at the Upper Platter. As he was being extracted, Appettit agreed to share his version of what had happened. Here is his story.

“I understand the need for security, really I do,” started Appettit. “I’ve been shopping here since they opened a few months ago. Where else can you go to get a fist-sized chunk of fois gras, or black truffles by the handful? Nowhere. And have you seen their cheese section?”

Appettit stifled a burp which irritated his more than likely bruised ribs.

“They give you free samples, you know. Anyway, this place has a lot of top quality stuff, so the security measures are understandable. I just wish they weren’t so tight, so to speak.”

As a regular shopper at the store, Appettit occasionally enjoyed special treatment. This night, the butcher called him aside and informed him that he had exceptional steaks available for purchase.

“I couldn’t resist,” moaned Appettit as he shifted his considerable weight. “The marbling was wonderful. When he told me it was giraffe meat, I didn’t think about stuff like: ‘Is this edible?’. It just looked tasty. So I bought it.”

The jaws of life team cut away at the turnstile beams with an electric saw.

“When we bring in the jaws, they tend to mangle stuff, so it reduces the possibility of maiming if we cut away extraneous metal protrusions beforehand,” Chief Hydron explained. “With someone this big, we have to take every precaution.”

The FBI and Fish and Game people took a few steps back, all the while scribbling on yellow notepads. The saw sent sparks into the air as it screamed through the metal.

A man in a polyester suit, later identified as Joseph Sarms, approached and the FBI and Fish and Game people expertly cuffed and stuffed him.

From the backseat of the car he called out:

“I did nothing wrong! That guy’s just fat! He’s more than fat! He’s rotund”

The immense pliers, or “jaws” eventually loosened Appettit from his turnstile prison.

Joseph Sarms, manager of the Upper Platter and fancier of polyester suits, will be brought up on numerous federal charges, including the illegal import and sale of protected species, failure to meet safety regulations in the workplace, and resisting arrest.

Freed from the turnstile, Appetit went home and ran on a formerly unused treadmill.

Then he got hungry, so he had a snack.

Outraged Gorilla gets Frisky with Fat Woman

Local officials and zookeepers continue to search the area for Gregory the 900 lb. gorilla that escaped from Glooklick Park Zoo late this afternoon. A rotund woman, that prefers her name not be published, was interviewed by police and a report was filed. Visibly shaken, she stated to police, “That stupid monkey shot out of nowhere and did the humpty-dumpty on my backside!! Luckily, I was wearing pants. I screamed real loud, then I just turned around and looked at him, like, ‘Oh! No! You just didn‘t!!!’ He looked at me scared and took off. He knew what he‘d done was wrong.” Immediately after the assault, the large woman went after Gregory on foot in a hot pursuit. She was able to catch up with the ape and got in one hard strike with her purse. Unfortunately, a heel on her shoe broke loose and she was propelled violently to the ground. The gorilla was able to get away before he was further bludgeoned. Asked for additional comments, the big boned woman stated, “When I got lodged for over two hours in the zoo’s entrance turnstile this morning, I should’ve known right then and there it was going to be a really bad day to visit the zoo. Once they freed me, I should‘ve just gone on home. I‘ll sure think better of it next time it happens.”

Administrators of the zoo say that they will not filing any charges for the destruction of property caused to their turnstile by the unnamed woman and local rescue crews.

Reports from outside sources have testified that one of the Glooklick Park Zoo female giraffes in a nearby pen made numerous attempts to warn zoo administrators and security guards of dangerous behaviors brewing in the primate section. Zoo administers said they noticed the giraffe’s unusual leap with one straightened-leg-out antics, but were unable to able to decipher the meaning. “We didn’t know what the heck this giraffe was trying to tell us. We figured she was either in season or had a charlie horse,“ stated Glooklick Park Zoo’s CPO.

Since Gregory’s escape, a number of experts have stepped forward to aid in the situation. Dr. Biff Smith, an animal language interpreter of 57 years, stated in a recent interview, “It was just so obvious what the giraffe was trying to tell her people! This dangerous situation could have been avoided if only someone had listened. It is a crying shame that no one paid attention to this giraffe!!! My heart goes out to her.”

Legal counsel has been sought by all involved parties.

Any sightings of Glooklick Park Zoo‘s gorilla, actual and/or imagined, should be reported immediately to your local police. All citizen apprehensions should be avoided.

OUTRAGED ANIMALS BARRAGE ZOOGOERS WITH SOMETHING STRANGE
by Janey McMaberparr and Harry Swill

Ershatz Menagerie has long been known as the most renovated zoo in the Tri-State Area. That, and its locally famous curly fries—the original recipe, created by owner Gilg Portenslatter's wife Oolia has been as closely guarded as the variety of animals enclosed in their fences. In fact, it is kept behind a set of its own fences, along with Portenslatter’s other precious belongings, such as his personal pet Jackie, a Chinese Milk-haired Lemur.

On Saturday June 29th, however, even with both the Menagerie’s trusty wooden fencing—refurbished from the actual original fences installed 1898—and its state-of-the-art video security system, Portenslatter and his staff of fourteen sons were unable to keep their animals under control.

“I don’t know what happened. The animals went berserk. They really went crazy. I really don’t know. They just let go. They went crazy. What did I do? I don’t know. I just don’t know, why they went crazy.”

Portenslatter shrugged as he gave this repetitive statement to the press on the following Sunday. A rotund man with a penchant for Hindu devotional artwork and Kevin Bacon movies, he was devastated by the catastrophe of Saturday.

Portenslatter has a love for all the creatures he keeps prisoner in his institution.

“They are all my children. All the alligator, seals and giraffe, lizard and Siamese cat, they are like my sons and daughters and babies…”

In fact, Portenslatter’s seals were abducted by poachers in 1986 (neither the poachers nor the seals were ever found). We decided against pointing this out in his personal interview, due to his fragile emotional state.

However, through the chaos of that Saturday came a strange phenomenon which currently has German, Chinese, and American scientists scrambling for their inhalers, and an answer to this strange phenomenon.

“It was certainly a strange phenomenon,” said Dr. Edward Treeline of Porkham University.

It was “any other day” at the Ershatz Menagerie on Saturday. The front gates and their gleaming turnstiles, as usual, opened wide and welcoming to visitors at 6:00 A.M. Portenslatter, along with his family, assembled themselves in their daily “delta formation” in front to greet their Saturday guests. This consists of forming an angle that points inward to the zoo, Portenslatter standing with balloons and a grin at its vertex and his 14 sons, 8 daughters, and wife Oolia arranged on both sides. Sure enough, visitors began trickling in at 10:00 A.M., four hours later.

“I am sure, 100 percent that it is our cheer and passion which attracts these people,” claims Portenslatter. When we suggested that perhaps an opening time of 6:00 was a bit unnecessary, he replied sternly, “I have nothing to say.” We did not further pursue that matter.

At 2:17 in the afternoon, the crisis occurred.

The wail of fire-trucks and low grumble of veterinary paramedic vehicles, or VPVs, filled the air as visitors dropped their funnel cake and grabbed their smallest children, dashing around in panicked fury.

“I get migraine now just thinking about that Saturday,” said Portenslatter, massaging his temples with his right hand and smoothing Jackie’s fur with the other. “But we just installed those new electric fences like the kind dog-owners use, and it will not happen once more.”

Outraged zoo employee’s found with stolen animals.

Zoo employees fired due to lack of city funding during last months budget review, were found in possession of the animals reported stolen from the Anihiam Public Zoo on Thursday.

Police tracked animal feces throughout the city in the hunt to find the culprits.Rotund piles lined city streets for blocks after the capture, as bulldozers were brought in to help clear the roadways.

Zoologist and curator for the Anihiam Public Zoo, Dr. Carrion, informed this newspaperman that he had told the police that, “Animals are not very particular about where they go and since we don’t keep fifty-five gallon drums on wheels within the zoo, the disgruntled employees had no choice but to let the dung drop where it would.” He added, “Thank goodness it didn’t rain as the forecast had said it would. I do believe they (the ex-employees of the zoo) had been counting on a clean getaway.”

After the arrests, the police questioned several of the ex-employees about why they had stolen the animals. Mark Harmem, ex-zookeeper and self proclaimed mouth piece for the group said, “It seemed like a good idea at the time. If the city can’t afford us, how could they ever afford to feed the animals? We were doing them a favor!”

He continued when asked about the damages done at the zoo by saying, “We hadn’t thought about the front gate turnstiles until we were taking Houdini (The zoo’s Asian elephant.) through. We didn’t do it! It wasn’t our fault. It was after Spotty (The zoo’s giraffe ) stepped over the turnstile , Houdini just tried to follow and got tangled up and fell on it. If we’d known what would happen, we would’ve left Houdini behind. As it was, after the turnstile accident, well, we just couldn’t seem to calm his upset stomach. They’ll be cleaning the streets for weeks because of him and us and we’re sorry, honest we are, I mean, we live here too.”

Dr. Carrion, during a public news release stated, “The police have found the animals and they have all safely been returned to the zoo. And the city streets should be clean again after a good rain.”

In next weeks edition: Look here for updates on local gardening tips and how to add elephant dung into your gardening plans.

Outraged Environmentalist Goes Ballistic with New Law

Last week a very controversial new law was passed by congress. This law allows citizens of the United States to bring captured wildlife on an airplane as luggage. According to this law, any U.S. citizen with a passport is allowed, even commended, to bring new wildlife to the country. Lawmakers decided that this legislation would be a good way to improve the diversity of the country. Mr. Franklin Delacroix explained that “this statute will have a grand diversifying effect on this country. Delacroix believes having new varied creatures arriving in this country will affect the country in a positive way, by replacing endangered species that currently reside here. “Why worry about the current creatures that cannot handle America, when we can import new ones that might?” There is much controversy about this issue at the present time. Mr. Bob P. Kunkle, of Massachusetts, is avidly protesting this new law.

Monday, Kunkle was indicted on charges when he protested a giraffe being conveyed to his local airport. Mr. P.R. Goldman, a resident of Boston, was just returning from a vacation to Africa. Goldman, on hearing the news of the new law, fell in love with a baby giraffe and was overjoyed at the thought of being able to keep it. As Goldman was returning home, bringing the giraffe through the turnstile at the airport, the very rotund Kunkle systematically shot Goldman to death. The giraffe, named Ozwald by Goldman, was caught by a stray bullet from the gun and is in critical condition at the local hospital. When Kunkle opened up, airport security immediately responded, killing Kunkle on the spot (they thought he was a terrorist, not realizing he had a bb gun and not a rocket launcher). Mrs. Kunkle is very disturbed, currently being conveyed to the state mental health facility. Before her departure, she commented that “Bob was just trying to prove a point by non-lethal means. A bb gun isn’t harmful to anything but the poor little birds that juveniles enjoy using for target practice. Bob had a true love for animals, and didn’t deserve to be summarily shot to death for trying to protect that poor giraffe.” After this statement, Mrs. Kunkle proceeded to undress (tears running down her face) in protest. The local psychiatrist decided she was very disturbed and needed considerable help with her condition that could only be provided by his personal state mental hospital.

This is all a very sad occurrence and we can only be happy that Ozwald appears to be in good condition, and is expected to recover within the week. Funeral serviced for Goldman and Kunkle will be held on Friday, May 13. Anyone wishing to attend the service for Goldman may visit The Church of Hard Knox from 3:00pm to 5:00pm. Kunkle was unfortunately cremated by mistake—no funeral service will be held.