You, my dear and beloved wife, are like diet soda: You keep me from getting fat, but you're expensive and one day scientists will prove that you make people go crazy.

Your love for me is like a butterfly, it makes my heart flutter and then dies within two days.

Like a snail in a salt mine, every effort was pointless.

Grandma Eloise’s legs were as delicate as chilled plums, and just as purple.

Her hair is like pure silk, made from the finest of worms.

In the dark her face had this luminous glow like a jellyfish in the abyss of my loneliness.

You make love like a walrus mounting a Volkswagon Beetle.

Her nose was big, round and shiny... like a bowling ball that's missing a hole.

"His artistic creations were as spontaneous as peristalsis, and about the same quality as its end product."

Death crept up on him like a thousand elephants blowing golden horns and clashing silver tambourines.