Dane County Regional Planning Commission
30 West Mifflin St., Suite 402
Madison, WI 53703

Dear Sirs and/or Madams,

I wanted to take the time to send you a letter of thanks for building the new bike path near my trailer park. You may have saved my life. If you have the time to read further, you will understand what I am talking about.

Like many folks my age, I have put on a little extra weight in the past few years. Well, maybe it’s more than a little, but what’s a couple hundred pounds between friends, right? Anyway, during a recent visit, my doctor told me that I needed to lose some weight or I would be at high risk for all sorts of health issues, like diabetes, heart disease, flat feet, and several others. He suggested an exercise program, and since the bike path had just opened, I decided to take his advice.

I bought a nice bike at the local shop. They suggested a three-wheeler until I get my center of gravity stabilized. I also purchased a helmet (safety first!) and a pair of sexy bicycle shorts. My husband says he likes to see me ride away when I’m wearing those shorts.

So now, I hit the bike trail twice a week, unless the weather is bad. In the past four weeks, I have worked my way up to two miles a ride, and I may try to make three miles next week. My doctor said one of the best ways to stick to an exercise plan is to stay motivated. Now, I don’t know if you planned it this way, but the layout of the bike path sure motivates me. I read somewhere that you need carbohydrates when you are physically exerting yourself. Conveniently, there is a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop just a few hundred yards up the trail from my house. I stop in there at the beginning of my ride and make sure I have the necessary energy for my fitness routine.

I haven’t actually lost any weight yet. Actually, I have gained a bit, but they tell me muscle weighs more than fat, so I’m sure the increase is just from additional muscle mass. In fact, my legs have bulked up so much that I had to buy new pants.

I am anxious to build up to three-mile rides, because there is a Dairy Queen almost exactly a mile and a half from my house. On the especially hot days, I’ve been stopping at the McDonalds for a McFlurry to cool off and reenergize. But, I prefer Dairy Queen’s Blizzards, as they have more variety. The extra mile would probably get me to my target weight that much faster, too.

So, in closing, you have my deepest gratitude. Thanks to your efforts, I am well on my way to becoming the sleek, fit person I know I can be.

Yours truly,
Gladys Simmons

Google UK Limited
The Courtyard
12 Sutton Row
London W1D 4AD

Dear Sir

I would like to share with you my experiences of your website. Whilst I appreciate that it is difficult to provide a service that will meet the requirements of all your customers I do feel that you have fallen short of the mark.

After struggling to find it in my local store I went online to try to buy Spam – you wouldn’t believe the rubbish your website tried to direct me to.

The Spam was just the most recent example; I also struggled when trying to find out about the “whips found in British politics” (I can’t begin to tell you about the websites I was directed to and I will need a refund on my credit card).

When I tried to look up my old school friends “Ben Down and Phil McKraken” I was directed to...well let’s say the sites weren’t suitable for family viewing. I will also need a refund for my credit card for these sites as well.

To make matters worse I wanted advice on how to “trim my pussy”. When booking a business trip I tried to “go with Virgin”. I struggled with an English Essay when helping my son and wanted suggestions for “use of a colon”. As for the images that I got when I wanted advice regarding my “coffee table defects” – they made my eyes water! I will need a credit card refund for all of the above sites.

I would also like to point out that here in the UK an “Escort” is a type of car. And I’ll need a refund for that as well.

Oh and I’d also like a refund for the “mounting service” that I found via your search engine, the picture in question still isn’t done.

And could you also explain to me what sort of company points people towards the sicko websites I found when I tried to discover what my rights were following my local supermarket’s selling of out-of-date stock and I typed in “invalid abuse”?

I was also perplexed when I inherited my Polish grandfather’s Second World War helmet. When I wanted to research it I assumed that surely “Polish helmet” would only have one meaning. Yes I need a refund for that was well.

As you can see I have had a terribly frustrating and at times shocking experience since I began using your search engine. Not only has it cost me a great deal of money I have also had a lot of explaining to do to my wife.

I would therefore insist that not only do you refund me the full amount as per the attached credit card bills but also that you write to my wife explaining that these events were caused by your incompetence.

Thank you

Richard Strain

PS Could you also contact my wife and explain to her that I was researching crustaceans when your search engine found all those web-sites on crabs.

Med Lab Software Inc.
374 Cherry Lane
Silicon Valley, CA 34728

ATTN Research & Development Team,

“I’m writing this letter to give your team two thumbs up on the latest version of ‘The Human Body & Its Medicine, Version 7.0’. I’ve been using your software now since version 4.0 and it’s really helped me immensely in the past. After reviewing your competition, I have to say that this version puts your product head and shoulders above all of them. They don’t even compete anymore as far as I’m concerned.

Your older versions helped me avoid costly medical bills in the past. However, this latest version is so entailed that it enabled me to diagnose a neighbor with a failing kidney. All the symptoms were there just like they were stated in the software. I was even able to use your software to aid in conducting blood tests to find her a suitable donor. Unfortunately neither had medical coverage so they were unable to seek professional treatment. However, after further studying your very detailed 3d section on CD number four, I found the confidence to perform the surgical techniques myself.

I have to admit, I didn’t have any of the proper medical instruments specified in your software. However, using my large mechanical toolset, an assortment of power tools, and an array of kitchen utensils, I was able to get the job done. Regrettably, both patients died shortly after their operations. However, I don’t plan to let this hold me back. I will merely chalk it up to experience.

Being an unemployed steel worker, I never thought I would be able to find meaningful work again. Your company and its software have changed all that for me though. I now plan to open my own medical practice using your software as my guide for performing difficult operations such as the two I’ve already performed.

If I might be as bold to add one suggestion for your next version it would be to include a section about how and where to dispose of medical waste. It wasn’t too difficult to rid myself of the blood, towels, and cleaning instruments etc. However, disposing of the bodies proved to be a hefty chore. I’m sure all new doctors such as I face this same problem. Oh well, just something to think about for the future versions.

I would post a return address below, but due to the recent circumstances I’m now currently in the middle of relocating my practice to another town. Maybe after I get resituated I’ll drop you another letter with any updates I might have on my practice. This way your team will be able to add me to your mailing list for new medical procedures.

Once again, I would like to thank you and your company for providing me with the knowledge to pursue a new carrier. I’m confident that it will soon be very profitable. Maybe in the future, my operations might even start to become successful as well. I will be looking forward to your next versions release.”

Sincerely,
A Very Satisfied Consumer

Nu-Gro IP Inc
10 Craig Street
Brantford, Ontario
Canada N3R 7J1

Dear Sirs and/or Misses,

I am writing to tell you what a wonderful product Ratoxin7 Bromadiolone Rodenticide Baitpack is. Over the years I have tried literally dozens of varieties of rat poison with varying degrees of success. Some were inexpensive but provided little effect. Others worked in an average amount of time but were prohibitively expensive. I have found that Ratoxin7 is both reasonably priced and works wonders.

After using your product for only one week I was able to rid my agricultural barn of over 25 rats and other rodents.

The truly best part of your product, though, is the sweet taste from the Bromadiolone. When mixed with their favorite powdered fruit drink; my children could find no difference in taste. But Ratoxin7 is much more versatile than that. I also added it to the strawberry cheesecake I made for my mother-in-law. She ate only half a slice before Ratoxin7 went to work.

The cheesecake spoiled on her kitchen counter as no one checked on her for over two weeks. Unfit for human consumption, I fed some to my dog, Rover, and the potency of Ratoxin7 proved not to diminish with age.

Finally, I slipped some Ratoxin7 into my wife’s morning coffee with Irish cream and she could not tell any difference.

If I can make one suggestion, it would be for you to work on ways to make your product completely untraceable. That is your product’s one negative side effect. If you iron that out you will have a truly wonderful product that I will highly recommend to all my friends.

Sincerely,

Inmate # C-04-11567-WTT
Mansfield Correctional Institution
1000 South Main Street
Mansfield, OH 44907
United States

June 27, 2005

Friskies Cat Food Corporation
1313 Dead Horse Lane
Silver City, Co 80456

Attention: President and/or CEO,

Dear Sir or Madame,

Let me respectfully say that I and old Mr. Nibbles, my cranky Siamese cat, have been buying your product for over a decade now. We love your food and have only good feelings for the brand name of Friskies, but I feel that I must alert you to a fact you may have over looked, which in turn, may also be money making opportunity.

Frankly, your research department is doing you and the worlds cats a disservice. Have you seriously taken a look at your flavors of cat food lately? No disrespect but, beef, salmon, tuna, and veal? Come on now, you don’t think that is really the taste cats are after do you? Sir/Madame, I am Seventy Three years old and have spent most of my life in the great outdoors, and never once have I seen the likes of a gaggle of house cats majestically stalking and taking down a lone steer, no siree, not even a sick one . Never have I witnessed a tabby wading next to a hungry Grizzly bear in Alaska’s great streams and rivers waiting for the spawning salmon. Never have I been out to sea and seen a Maine Coon cat diving into the inky depths after the wild tuna swimming there, and Lordy, I won’t even mention the veal, I don’t see how crated cow baby could ever be a natural taste for them at all, maybe I am just old and senile though.

What I have seen is, a mangy tortoise shell take down a sparrow in flight. I have seen that three legged, six toed barn cat next door, terrorize a family of voles. Why even old Mr. Nibbles was known to down more goldfish than a drunken frat boy in his day. You know, back when he still had teeth and all. There is so much in nature that is on their menu, so to speak.

I notice now, the big thing is “natural” and “organic” foods. That is the way you can make a better name for yourselves. Give the poor lost kitties something they really have a hankerin’ for. Think how the public will adore your straight thinking. Look at all the nifty new marketing ideas for your new flavors.

A touch of big city class in our new, "smidgen of pigeon".

Kitty’s treat of mousey feet, "assorted small rodent parts in aspic".

Kitty loves the marrow from our "sparrow".

You can even show how environmentally conscious you are, with the slogan;

Waste not, want not! "Baby chickens". You didn’t want us to waste the rest after you sucked down those tiny wings you love, did you?

Well anyway, I just wanted to say thanks and that you should fire those high and mighty researchers who have been pulling the wool over your eyes for so long now. Mr. Nibbles and I look forward to your response, which you can send to the return address printed on this envelope.

Thank you again for your time,

Reginald Thornton.

To:
Mr. D. Grabtite
Customer Relations
SMIRKNOTT VODKA
Boston, MA 6094

Dear Mr. Grabtite:

My name is Elsie Greeblebaum. I warn you, Smirknott is hovering on the brink of a massive lawsuit. However, the purpose of this letter is to avoid litigation, which would be both painful and expensive for all concerned.

The matter in question refers to your advert. in last December’s Women’s Freedom. It depicts a young lady in a nightgown at open French windows looking out onto a wide bay. Rising from the depths is a white horse upon which sits a muscular Adonis. The caption reads: ‘Change To Smirknott And Things Start To Happen’.

Let me say that I am not an idiot. I didn’t expect that by buying a bottle of vodka, men would come bursting through my door. After all, I am no chicken. But, the Lord helps those who help themselves. Thus, I entered into this with a can-do, hands-on attitude.
Fortunately, my apartment does have French windows that look out, not onto a lake, but the East Chicago Canal. I arranged my room as in your ad.. I bought a made-to-measure diaphanous nightgown from Parachute Recycling Inc. (I am rather a large girl). I set my Smirknott Vodka on the table with two glasses – and, with the French windows open, waited.

On the second night my vigil was rewarded. I heard a crack as the ice broke, then the wild splashing of someone in the canal.
The next thing, a man came staggering towards my French windows crying out: “Elsie, Elsie! Warmth! I need warmth!”
The paramedics who came later insist he was calling: “Help me, help me! I need warmth.” But, heck, I’d only downed one bottle and I know my own name, and, as your ad. says, ‘Things Were Starting To Happen’.

I was overwhelmed. I haven’t heard my first name spoken with such urgent desire by a gentleman for over thirty years. Though Harold (that was the gentleman’s name) wasn’t much to look at, his expression of sheer want lit a conflagration in my heart such that all reason was consumed by its crackling flames.

Did I say he was a small man? At the time, I did not notice. But, answering my knight’s love-call, I flung myself at him with an ardor for which I knew no shame.
Now, I am not a wanton girl, Mr. Grabtite. I am not well-versed in the ways of sexual congress. But I do read Kosmicpolitan, wherein I have learned that some males shout profanities to heighten their sexual excitement during intercourse
Harold was no exception. “You f-xxx f-xxx cow! You fat-assed Bxxx!” He screamed, kicked and threshed, so wild was he for sex (he was underneath). The fact is, it actually works. His indiscretions drove me to further heights of passion such that...
Well, I’ve said enough already. Because, suddenly, Harold expired.

The paramedics who came were female and obviously besotted by jealousy, so contemptuously did they treat my account. They claimed Harold’s death was due to Post Traumatic Shock following Hypothermia. Huh! A couple of males would have seen immediately that I’d taken Harold to a peak of passion that his poor human frame was not equipped to bear.
After that incident I sat faithfully at my window as before, waiting for the next gallant – and nothing, not a peep, in six months.
I re-consulted your our ad., and then the sheer cunning of it hit me. It is a promise without heart, a pretty box that holds exact nothing. You state only that ‘Things Start To Happen’. There is no indication that they will continue to do so!

Insensitive brutes! Heartless rogues! To lead an innocent like myself to the threshold of ecstasy then deny it! I have been severely depressed. My self-esteem has never been lower, nor my chocolate and ice-cream bills higher.
I’ve consulted my lawyer, who states you are liable for the pain and suffering I have undergone, plus the depression and alcoholism that I now battle daily.
Mark my words, I will press for a class-action suit unless you initiate the following modification to your slogan: ‘Change To Smirknott, Things Start To Happen And Continue To Do So’.

As an act of good faith on my part, I shall wait at my open windows for your male emissary. (He doesn’t have to actually rise from the canal; the white horse would be wonderful but is not obligatory; and please, anything between twenty-five and forty-five. A private income would be nice.)
You have 15 days to act, before legal proceedings commence, Mr. Grabtite.

I wait with my heart on my sleeve, my Smirknott on the table and a chocolate in my mouth.
Yours Sincerely,
Elsie Greeblebaum.

Proctor and Gamble
22340 Doug Barnard Parkway
Peach Orchard, GA 30906

June 28, 2005

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am 19 and in college. As a white male from a mid-income family, I am hardly eligible for scholarships. Thus, as I pay for my education, I look for ways to cut corners financially. That's where I have you to thank. With your recent addition of the new scented Tampax(R) fresh cardboard tampons, I'm able to save money and stay fresh. Let me give you some examples:

- I use a Super as an air freshener in my car. Not only does it keep my car fresh all day long, but it can plug up a nasty radiator leak in an emergency.

- I keep a bowl of Regular's on my coffee table and in the bathroom to clear the air. They're a great conversation starter too.

- In the kitchen, a few Super Plus's fend of the offensive odors caused by the kitchen, while being handy for cleaning up spills. It reaches in all those hard-to-get places.

- I get nose bleeds all the time (what can I say, I'm a picker), so a few Lites are handy to ram up my nose when the blood starts to flow. They smell wonderful and keep from ruining a nice pair of pants or shirt.

- I don't buy deodorant any more. One Super under each arm and moisture is whisked away from my skin. I even get comments on how nice I smell. But I don't tell them, because I don't want anybody to find out my secret to frugal living.

As you can see, Tampax (R) fresh has changed my life. You should change your slogan to "Made for a woman, versatile enough for a man."

Thank you,

Stew Dent, Innovator

Crest Toothpaste
1625 Noplack Ave.
Sacramento, CA 92034

Dear Toothpaste People,

I have been a loyal customer of your excellent product for as many years as I can remember. My first memory is of my mom squeezing out the proper amount of your fine tooth cleansing agent (pea sized as recommended on your package) onto my toothbrush. I do have fond memories of childhood with Crest toothpaste. In fact, my family and I have been known to give Crest as birthday presents, and believe me, it is a gift that is truly treasured.

There is one question I was hoping you could have cleared up for me once and for all. Recently, upon reading the fine print on your packaging (I often read and re-read the entirety of the recommended uses and ingredients - my favorite ingredient is isobutoehtylconsuanamine), I found the words, "For best results, squeeze tube from the bottom". This startled and disturbed me greatly. When teeth-brushing time comes (and I brush after every meal, as recommended), I am so eager to get brushing that I quickly grab the tube and begin squeezing the tube from wherever my grubby little hands happen to grab the tube. I fear I don't have the patience to painstakingly flatten the tube out and methodically squeeze the beloved contents out from the bottom–I am much too excited to delay the beginning of my brushing experience.

My dilemma grows deeper in that I have grown to trust your advice (as in the aforementioned proper toothpaste amount and frequency of brushing), so I know there must be a reason for your recommendation of toothpaste squeezing technique. Am I to be subject to ill-effects in the long haul if I am over-eager and continue to squeeze the tube from the middle, or am I simply missing out on some further tooth-brushing bliss that could be attained from the proper use of your product?

This is a matter of grave importance to me, and I lay awake at night worrying that I may have caused myself years of irreversible damage from improper usage of your product. Which begs the question–why did you just now start informing us, the beloved consumer, of this proper usage tip? I know it has not been there before, because, as I have already mentioned, I read the tube in it's entirety as soon as it comes home from the store, and I would have surely remembered such a notice being posted on your product.

Please respond quickly, and if could send me an autographed 8x10 of your CEO (who makes my three times daily Crest-enjoying sessions possible), I would be delighted.

Your devoted fan,
Finky Winklestein

Gordon Adipose
243 Oak Ave., Basement Rear
Glendale, OK 73293

Jeffrey M. Zing
Med-Z Pharmacy
Box 125
Hanzhong Road, Nanjing
210029

Gentlemen:

I am writing again via snail mail to request a refund on your product, which did not work. My first letter came back undeliverable, but I couldn't read all the Chinese writing on the envelope, so I assume it was insufficient postage. I checked, and it was definitely the same address where I had sent my money to purchase your product. (Mother says I can't have another credit card until I stop playing computer games and get a job :-( .) So anyway, I 'm writing again and using lots of stamps.

I had such great hopes for your product. Indeed, I *had* started dribbling when I wished that it had shot out :-( . I even got up the nerve to talk to the doctor down at the free clinic, but he didn't even seem to know what I was talking about! When I told him the stuff was getting lost in the fold under my tummy instead of "cresting the hill," he thought I wanted to lose weight! I guess they don't teach doctors much about real life in medical school. (Anyway, I'm going to get a new doctor, because my mother says it's baby fat, and it's cute.)

I was starting to have nightmares about how embarrassing it will be when I meet a woman and get married and have to explain this problem on our wedding night :-( . I tried getting new magazines and even tried going a couple days in between, but it was no help.

Then I got your e-mail! I was so thrilled and relieved that someone understood my problem and could help me! (Though I really still wonder how you knew. You can be sure I asked Mother for some heavier curtains after that!) I ran out to get a money order and sent it right away. (Mother won't let me have a checking account anymore, either :-( .)

I had wonderful fantasies about your product correcting my problem. I dreamed of target practice on my headboard. (Though I don’t really have a headboard or even a real bed, just this mattress on the floor. You can't imagine how flimsy they make bed frames nowadays, as if no one has healthy baby fat.) (Mother wrote *that* complaint letter for me, since I was only eight years old and hadn't learned to write a formal business letter yet ;-).)

It was with breathless anticipation that I tried my first dose of your product, that little red pill that promised so much. After all, your website specified that you had tested it for years before your developers achieved “the impressive results they wanted” by “laboriously tweaking” their formula.

Well, I tried one of the pills the day I received them and noticed no difference at all. Next day, I tried two – still no difference. The third day it occurred to me that the dose might depend on body weight, so I took ten. Still nothing! And let me tell you, I definitely did that laborious tweaking thing.

I am very disappointed in your product! I wish to receive the 100% money back guarantee your website advertised. If you need the unused pills returned, let me know, but I see no reason to pay to ship them back. These puppies already got one transoceanic trip they didn’t do anything to deserve.

Sincerely,

Gordon Adipose

P.S. You might check your website – it hasn’t been working lately. And now your competitors are sending me mail advertising their internet pharmacies selling *the same thing!* You’ll lose business if you don’t get on the ball.

eBay
7 eBay Road, East
eBayvilleee, Tennessee, 70717

To Sirs and Madams of a popular and flourishing www auction organization:

I wish to ask about a rumor that's floating around. Now, I'm a loyal patron of your company, but this rumor is giving this loyal patron thoughts about not buying through you from this day forth.

Not long ago, a cohort, whom I think is trustworthy, has told yours truly of a disturbing transpiration involving your company. This transpiration is about a particular copyright your company is imposing on us. A copyright of a symbol. And if I should apply this symbol to any of my writings, I must pay you $5.00.

Normally, I would find this a just and fair transaction. It is your mascot, and copyright is copyright. But this isn't just any symbol. This is a symbol I find I can't not apply to my writings-- not without much, much hard work.

This is a symbol that D and F surrounds.

OK, let's cut the crap. I'm talking about the letter E. And I'm sick of avoiding it.

Look, we, as writers, as people, need the letter E. This is made evident by the fact I couldn't even go 200 words without using it. And that was with a thesaurus!

So you can imagine my utter disdain when I first noticed the letter missing from my keyboard. It was just as Jerry the Intern (my "cohort") was returning it to me after borrowing it for the weekend. At first I thought he made another rookie mistake and had broken it. I was actually about to get mad at him, but then he told me the favor he was doing me by removing that- and several other- copyrighted letters. I owe him much, that young man. Had he not informed me, I would still be using the letter today and owing you God knows how much.

You owe him much gratitude, too. Without him, you wouldn't have received this letter because I would never have found out your address. He's even offered to mail this to you when I'm done! What a guy!

Now look, I understand its pertinence, as without E you guys would just be Bay. But for crying out loud, it's the most commonly used letter in the English language! If you had wanted to copyright X, I would say go ahead, knock yourselves out. I could definitely avoid the letter X. The only ones in trouble would be Xerox. But we're talking about the letter E here! Your address alone has ten E's. That's $50.00 just to send you a letter!

So, oh great eBay, as you are apparently within your rights to do this, I have no choice but to declare all-out war on you. As they say: Don't get mad. Get even.

As you are reading this, I am currently in the process of copyrighting both letters B and A. (I would have also applied the copyright to the letter Y, but apparently TCBY frozen yogurt is already in possession of said letter. I don't understand why they didn't also acquire B, but I suppose I should just count my blessings.) And to up the ante, I'm charging $10.00 per usage! We'll see who folds first!

Now, I do not plan on keeping this up. I'm simply imposing my silly little embargo as long as you keep yours. The moment you drop your fees, I'll do the same.

I feel my declaration of war is validated by Jerry's cackles of glee. They're cackles made by a man who knows that you can't win! He and I are forever in the same boat on this issue. This is proven further by his victory dance around my office as I fill out a check for all the E's I've used thus far in this letter-- amounting so far to $1,145. He knows, as do I, that the check will forever remain a symbol of those who weren't afraid to stand up to you. That your own embargo will be your own undoing!

I vow, once this letter is complete, to never again use the letter E. Not in my books, not in my memos, not even in my own name. In fact, you'll have to fill out your own name under the "to" section on the check. I refuse to pay one penny more!

Oh dear, Jerry has fainted. Who will deliver this letter now?

Yours in combat,
Eddie Estherson
(From now on, Ddi Sthrson.)