German Shepherd needs discipline, preferably from French Poodle. I wet the floor, I’ve been a bad dog – let me know it. Latex muzzle, harness and whip provided, also black, poodle-sized latex boots. Discretion assured. Your kennel or mine. No Pekinese.

Warm my nights! Does the sound of crunching snow inflame your passions? Are you pack friendly, good at direction and strong legged? Alaskan based Huskey with perfect physique and ice blue eyes ISO soft but hearty female companion to share long treks through the frozen tundra. Must like to travel.

Big-hearted bulldog seeks frisky mixed-breed female for canine companionship. Must tolerate drooling, bad breath and occasional bouts of flatulence. In return, I offer body heat at night and tongue lickings galore. If you value love over looks, meet me on Cherry Lane-just follow the incessant barking.

RWPM (recently widowed praying mantis) seeks loving, caring partner to help care for approx. 400 soon-to-be born children. Good hunting skills a plus, firm hand with kids a must. Future children a possibility, if I get hungry. Aphids, caterpillars and snails need not apply.

Attractive, mature, big, beautiful black lady with red hourglass tattoo on torso seeks well-built male with good legs for romance and dinner. Contact me via the web.

Me: Lively, outgoing slug. Lives life in the moderately fast lane. Own shell, 3000+ teeth. Well kept foot. Enjoys slime.

You: Funny, kind, sharing slug. No complications, no blackbirds.

Will meet in a popular dark & damp place. Call today ( or soonish).

Is romance dead, or are there any canines like me? Incurably romantic Golden-Haired Retriever seeks male who can woo the old-fashioned way; who will lift up my tail to let me pee, or who gives me first sniff at the cow patty. No wam-bam-boodle-thank-you-poodle suitors please. Court me!

Male Cottonmouth Snake, looking for a female mouse to have over for dinner.

Mangy mutt seeks high-class b***h (spaniel preferred) for romantic evenings spent howling at the moon and rooting through garbage. Must be willing to slurp my noodle and swallow my meatballs. No babies! No rats! No cats! Please wipe yourself with your reply and leave it in locker 16B down at the train station. See you at Tony's!

2 year old Great Dane BOH (b***h on heat) with 10 pups seeking show quality Alpha Male. Must be family orientated, playful and wanting to breed. Over 5’s need not apply. Bloodlines will be checked!