Having a quick and easy recipe like this one can be a handy life saver. I would love to share it with you.

“surprise de puma l’orange”

1 live mountain lion, painted orange.
1 pack of fire crackers
1 Tbsp lemon juice
6 medium sized cantaloupes
1 quart oil (30 weight)
2 large sea sponges
4 pairs of tube socks
1 lawn-mower bag full of grass clippings from a 4.5 horsepower craftsman, rear-discharge.

Place the mountain lion in a large pot and add cantaloupes. Carefully stretch two tube socks on each foot of the mountain lion and add firecrackers, being sure to light them first. Stir mixture slowly, gradually folding the mountain lion in with the cantaloupes. Once the cat is fully enraged, place the sea sponges into its mouth and slowly stir in the oil. Sprinkle with grass clippings and lemon juice and place in refrigerator.

Chill for two hours and serve.

Tropi-Cajun-Caliente Salsa Dish

Ingredients:

2 pineapples
½ watermelon
4 bamboo sticks
3 alligator legs
60 jalapeno peppers
1 tomato
7 onions
12 cups Tabasco sauce

Instructions:

Place pineapple and watermelon into a kiddie-swimming pool. Wash feet. Stomp on ingredients until they are the desired consistency (chunky salsa vs. not). Scoop ingredients into large bowl. Using power tools, turn bamboo into wood chips (adds crunch). Cook alligator legs over a campfire for 20 minutes. Chop into small pieces. Using a sling-shot, shoot your onions against a brick wall until they are smashed into small pieces. Take fist and punch tomato. Place all ingredients into bowl. Pour in 2 cups f Tabasco sauce and stir until ingredients are evenly mixed.

To serve:

Place jalapenos next to the bowl for dipping. (They have more of a “kick” than nacho chips). Serve Tabasco sauce in wine glasses. Eat, drink, and be merry.

Serves 10

1 Tbsp. olive oil
2 diced tomatoes
2 Tbsp. chopped parsley
1 Tbsp. thyme
1 clove minced garlic
2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1 cup Parmesan cheese
1 1/2 cup mozzarella
your roommate's laptop computer

In a large bowl, combine oil, tomatoes, seasoning and cheese, setting aside 1/2 cup of mozzarella. Place laptop in a 9x13 glass baking dish and add sauce, making sure to spread the sauce all the way to the edges. Sprinkle remaining cheese on top and bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes or until top cheese is brown. Cover and cool, and store in fridge until mealtime. Best served cold.

3 medium pine cones
2 C. crushed oak leaves
10 daddy long-legs
4 June bugs (if June bugs are out of season, substitute with 3 cicadas or 5 crickets)
1½ C. dried deer droppings
1 C. stinkweed
10-12 fish eyes (preferably trout)
2 T. maple syrup
1/2 C. citronella candle shavings

Put oak leaves, daddy long-legs, stinkweed and fish eyes in a large mixing bowl. Set aside. Place pine cones, June bugs and dried deer droppings in a sack and pound with a mallet until contents is broken up into small pieces. Add pine cone mixture to the mixing bowl and stir until well blended.

Spray a large cookie sheet with insect repellent (for best results, use repellent containing at least 25% DEET). Pour mixture onto cookie sheet. Sprinkle with maple syrup and citronella candle shavings. Broil in oven until lightly toasted and aroma is fragrant. Cool completely. Transfer contents into individual zip-lock bags for storage.

Ingredients:

5,000 acres of East Amazonian Rain Forest,
2 leaves of Phylum Noximoron (Vomit-weed)
2 12v car batteries (used)
5 Sea slugs
2 tapeworms (from digestive tract of a killer whale)
10 toenails of frightened hippy (shaken not stoned)
Half a lemon,
Garlic, pepper, salt to taste.
Fuse.

Recipe:

Bulldoze 5,000 acres of rain forest. Locate 2 leaves of Vomit-weed, throw away excess material.
Crush car batteries with sledge-hammer, discard solid waste.
Simmer sea slugs and tapeworms in the remaining liquid.
Add lemon juice, garlic, salt, pepper and the two Vomit-weed leaves.
Grind the hippy toenails. Add to mixture.
Sing a vigorous and stirring rendering of ‘Peanut Butter’ whilst stirring vigorously and rendering the mixture to the consistency of peanut butter.
Add fuse, light, and retire 40 paces.
After explosion, scrape solids from walls and ceiling.

Serve warm with a sprig of parsley.

You’ve just had your first child. You’re home from the hospital, trying to nest, when relatives descend upon you to “help” with their never ending list of questions and criticisms. You’d like to be hospitable, but you need them to go away.

Try this recipe for removing unwanted baby visitors known as:

PLACENTA POLENTA

¾ cup cubed placenta
(substitute with liver if you mistakenly discarded yours, just tell them its placenta)
1 cup cornmeal
4 cups rancid milk
1 tbsp lard
½ cup used animal litter (for crunch)

Heat oven to 350°. Mix cornmeal, milk and lard until blended. Add placenta cubes and litter. Cook until inserted toothpick comes out clean, 30-40 minutes. Serve with candles and demonic chanting.

Note: An average placenta weighs 1-3 lbs. Don’t give up if your first dish doesn’t work, just think “turkey after thanksgiving” and create additional dishes as needed.

Inedible Comestibles: Munchy Muffins

Ingredients:
•1 cup woodchips
•1/2 bar of soap
•200- 300g bellybutton- fluff
•Sheet of plastic- 10x10cm
•Pinch of sand

Equipment:
•Stove
•Small Pot
•Mixing bowl
•Very Small Bowl
•Refridgerator
•Papercup

Method:
Place sheet of plastic into a small pot. Place over stove until bubbles appear in plastic liquid. Mash soap bar thoroughly until grounded into a thick liquid. Mix bellybutton- fluff and soap in a very small bowl, adding a pinch of sand. Pour plastic icing into the bowl and sprinkle woodchips over it. Place in refridgerator for setting over night. Place mixture into small papercup for serving.

Serves one and goes well with laxatives if you want it out of your body as soon as possible.

Blue Mystery Fizz

2 T. Elmer’s glue
1/2 C. 5w-30 motor oil
1 C. blue semi-gloss interior paint- to achieve a vivid shade of blue, Behr Cerulean (560B-7) is recommended
3 tsp. syrup of ipecac
1/2 C. sugar (Splenda may be substituted)
1/4 C. hydrogen peroxide

Place all ingredients in a blender. Cover and mix on puree setting for 1 minute. Pour into chilled glasses. For an added treat, top each drink with a sprig of parsley. Paper bags are recommended to have on hand for those guests who discover the secret ingredient.

1 c. chopped millipede
1 c. apple juice
1 c. tomato juice
1 slice of cheese

Mix all ingridents in a blender to create this high protien drink. The drink should be the consistence of rotten milk with lumps in it.