The local Watership Down Rabbits lost their twelfth game in a row last night as they fell to the Winnie the Pooh Poohbahs 116-0 in an exciting basketball game at the Forum. The Rabbits now fall to 0-12 to start the season. The game was tight until the opening buzzer when the Poohbahs, led by star forward, Tigger, scored early and often.

Hazel, coach of the Rabbits, when asked about his teams failure to score in the game said, “Yeah, we did have problems scoring – or even holding the ball.. Face it, we’re quadrupeds and we have no thumbs – while we can hop, it does take more then that to win a game.” Indeed, the Rabbits have now been held scoreless in their last twelve games.

The Rabbits next game is Saturday the 20th, on the road against Disney’s Team Furry Woodland Animals at the Forum.

“Welcome to the final of the men’s 100m hurdles. First up is Doctor Seuss who has asked could he, should he compete on a goat, and should he, could he in a boat?”
“And his opponent, Doctor Hannibal ‘the Cannibal’ Lecter.”
“And they’re under starter’s orders … oh, did Doctor Lecter just ask the starting official if he had a nice Chianti?”
“No, he’s eaten the starter’s tongue.”
“Oh dear. The starter has shot him point blank in the face …“
“… But that was the starting pistol so the race is officially under way. Doctor Seuss has attempted to climb onto Lecter’s back, but is discovering that it is indeed a bad idea to hop on Doc.”
“Doctor Lecter has left the field to chase the starting official .. and Doctor Seuss has been distracted by a butterfly.”
“And that brings us to the end of another thrilling race!”

Yesterday marked the final match of the WWF season. The night became the most suspenseful, most brutal match in WWF history.

Bugs Bunny aggressively welcomed Barney to the ring by yelling into the microphone, “Hey Purple! I got your doctor on the phone. ‘What’s up doc?’ Cuz you’re gonna need him when I’m through with you…If you’re still alive!” As Barney waddled over to the ring, Bugs hopped to the floor and began throwing punches. Barney picked up the bunny and set him back in the ring, pinning him down with his tail. “I love you. You love me. I’ll take you down as well as your family!” he sang. From there on it was nonstop action. Bugs franticly hopped around as Barney stood still, swinging his tail and ultimately beating the crap out of the bunny. Though both walked away in excruciating pain, Barney walked away with the glory.

Planet LV-426 1800 hrs-
A late-inning rally by the home team. Outstanding plays. Chestbursters screaming to life. Yes, the annual Alien Vs. Colonial Space Marine charity baseball game had all the ingredients of a classic. A two-run homer by SFC Apone late in the sixth put the grunts up 6-3, but several key hits by the top of the Aliens' lineup during the seventh inning loaded the bases with one out, setting the stage for a comeback. After two stolen bases by some well-placed chestbursters implanted in the third baseman and the catcher, the score was 6-5 when the Queen decided to pinch hit a facehugger with a soldier. The soldier was intentionally walked, loading the bases. Another soldier was hit by a pitch and promptly charged and ate reliever PFC Vazquez. The baserunners took advantage of the ensuing chaos and stole home, making the score 8-6. The Aliens played top-notch defense for the remainder of the game, placing eggs at each base. The facehuggers earned their money and shut down the Marine's offense. "It was the fundamentals that won it for them, we just didn't bring our 'A' game." said Marines manager Ellen Ripley. Procedes from the 25,641 in attendance went to the Hatley's Hope Foundation, which provides aid for unemployed Weyland-Yutani workers who were laid off after the reactor incident on LV-426 six years ago.