1.) Drop claw item retrieval. Running on the same technology as the toy grabber machines we know and love; you will be able to navigate the claw to positions above your selected candy, and drop the claw down, attempting to grab your prize.
2.) Vending flap backed by pendulum swinging action! Pendulum blade swings behind the vending flap. Can you retrieve your candy safely? Enjoy the excitement of reaching for your candy. Don’t lose your hand!
3.) Frayed bungee cords attached to every item! Items are individually attached to frayed bungee cords. Watch with anticipation as your selected item drops down, only to be yanked away by retroactive force of the bungee cord! Will yours break free, or bounce before your eyes?
4.) Foreign coins! Tired of reaching into pockets to finding foreign coins that vending machines won’t accept? Worry no more! The Ultimate Machine takes foreign coins only! Use any currency form you like, as long as it is not domestic. This machine will process your order!
5.) Best of all, on the exterior of the machine is a spring loaded tilt. If someone begins shaking the machine, our spring loaded tilt will catapult the machine forward, crushing offenders.

If it were up to me vending machines would be more like game shows.

1. Upon inserting their money the consumer would be greeted with a snappy theme song, dazzling spotlight motions and the voice of Rod Roddy (RIP) announcing that it's time for Secret Snack Surprise!

2. Fat Gram Bidding is the first round, where consumers try to guess which of three different bags of chips has the least nutritional value.

3. JunkFood Jackpot is next, a game of chance! Pull the lever and try to line up three of the same goodies in a row! But watch out for those darn raisins or you'll go bust!

4. Let's Make A Deal-A-Meal! Consumer, you can walk away wih this lovely bag of Bugles OR you can trade it for what's behind Door Number 1! Could be a brownie... but it might be an apple! You make the call!

5. No consumer walks away empty handed! Every participant, whether or not he or she is a big winner, walks away with a complimentary granola bar and a laminated copy of the new USDA Food Pyramid!

1. Every machine would have a mirror on the side so you can feel guilty watching yourself eat your snickers.

2. You would watch your soft drink have an incredible roller coaster ride. Up, Down, and a lood-de-loop before finally exploding in your face.

3. All food and drinks will have a 3 foot cord attached to them, after 5 minutes the cord will retract the rapper/can, and whatever you haven't finished, back into the machine. Fights Littering.

4. Every machine will be outfitted with a retinal scanner to keep track of your purchases. Each attempt to purchase something will be met with "Are you sure? This week you already had: 5 Mars bars, 2 Fritos, etc..."

5. To add a bit of fun to the dull process of pushing a button for your desired food, all machines will operate like the crane/claw game. Try to pick up your bag of chips with one of those stupid things.

1) Vending machines should bring their product to us as robotic dispensers which solicit their tasty fare directly to the consumer. In North Korea, the machines would poke you with sticks until you purchase something.

2) A large crank could be attached to generate electricity for purchase by local power companies. Once the customer has produced enough electricity to buy the product, a selection can be made. This would help the environment while burning calories.

3) Scales could be placed in front of vending machines. If a hungry patron selects any unacceptable junk-food item, a loudspeaker at the top of the machine will announce the weight of the individual and the product selected. Embarrassment tactics promote a healthier lifestyle.

4) Vending machines should fight to the death as huge mechanical warriors. We would have the benefit of a new sporting event while improving on each generation of machine through "survival of the fittest". Convicted felons and individuals with unpaid parking tickets could be forced to purchase items while machines are in battle.

5) As we all learned in “Maximum Overdrive”, vending machines can defend themselves by shooting out cans of soda at high velocity. Therefore vending machines make ideal baby-sitters. It can protect your kids, and if you fill it up with nutritious snacks you'll recoup all the money you spent in diapers by charging a nominal fee. Warn the kids not to anger the vending machine.

General:
All vending machines will have alongside the coin chute an aperture capable of accepting and appraising small items, e.g. watches, cheap jewelry, etc. Customers with insufficient change may then choose to barter for the desired product.

Soda Vending Machines:
...will no longer drop the can, shaking up the contents. A robot arm will carefully extract the can from cold storage, pass it through an opening and, if required, makes change for large denomination notes.

Cigarette Vending Machines:
...will, after accepting payment, but before dispensing cigarettes, engage the customer in medical, sociological and ethical arguments against smoking. If the customer is swayed by the arguments the vending machine will offer a refund.

Snack Vending Machines (a):
... will have a notice mounted at eye level informing the customer of the odds of a snack being brought fully forward by the rotating spiral and successfully dispensed down the chute, or…

Snack Vending Machines (b):
...will have a set of hydraulic pistons connected to a motion detector in the dispenser. If, after snack selection, no object is detected arriving at the dispenser the pistons will rock the machine back and forth until a snack drops or the machine falls over.

If it were up to me;

To combat the obesity epidemic, a motherly voice would issue from candy machines when particularly bad junk was selected. After all, what's the good of a chocolate bar if you don't feel shamed while eating it?

Four words, Co2 powered can rockets.

There would be a joystick on the vending machine that you use to guide your delicious treat through a randomized labyrinth. If you fail, James Earl Jones will laugh from a speaker above as your candy bar is vaporized. Your fifty cents? Lost forever.

Button A1 would always be fabrege eggs, the coin bucket would be expanded to allow up to $75,000 in quarters to be deposited. Also a small hand brush and dust pan will be available for retrieval of egg.

Vending machines that dole out mean spirited advice from spiteful friends, like "Dump the dumb hussy!" and "Car payment, shmar payment, lets hit the casino!".

1. It's dull. You need something eye-catching to sell anything, flashing neon lights and unique, trademarked sounds will draw people to the machine.
2. It's unexciting. You need something more thrilling than just the ordinary pay-select-grab-walk away. You might for instance have to play a little flipper game with the coin you just put in. If you get the coin up the right ramp, you'll get your purchase.
3. It's predictable. Expanding on the flipper concept, if you lose the coin you'll get nothing, if you mess up you'll get the wrong product, and if you're really good you'll get a few more products for free.
4. It's unstimulating. Who says the product should come right out at the slot? The product will be transported through the machine, and you'll have to figure out how to keep it form falling in the trap, getting crushed by the anvil or eaten by the rat, using a nail, a piece of string and two balls of green yarn.
5. It's just too big. Why not make a personal vending machine, maybe even a portable one? Granted, the product will have to be scaled down to fit inside, but the convenience will more than make up for it.

My idea for vending machines:

1. There would be a thumb scanner installed on each machine to verify your intake. If you’ve had too many candy bars, thus the machine would announce, “FAT GUY’S EATING AGAIN!!!!”
2. All machines would have a retaliation device. Every time you smack the machine because you think your chocolate is stuck, it smacks you right back.
3. For those that do not have enough to purchase the candy, there will be a new button to press where the machine TELLS you how good the stuff inside is.
4. A timer would be installed for the people that take way, way too long deciding. After the time limit is up, the machine slams a door in your face.
5. Last but not least…All machines will have a coupon slot. Just like the grocery store, you can have a “3 for $1” day, or “Buy one, get one free” day.

Thank you and have a nice day!

On my first day at Vendy-Qwik. The work order listed the following repairs I was to perform on the old ciggarette vending machine in front of me.

1. Attach chair rockers to bottom

2. Place "Please hold up Valid ID" sticker on front, underneath coin slot

3. Install IOU receptor, place sharpened (#2) pencil in receptor basket along with fresh memo pad

4. Refresh paint details on side "Kick Here" target, front title "Farm Fresh" wording

5. Stock with fresh eggs on top shelf, hens on mid shelf (found in filing cabinet, under BOK-BOK) and margarine sticks on bottom row (please follow precisely as the margarine may dent if it falls further than bottom shelf height)

After these repairs are made, please deliver to corner of 5th and Broad, no electricity neccessary. Iinstall between FlapJax Fast and TBonez ToGo machines. Submit signed work order to Sal.

As may already be obvious, there is a conflict of interest, and while this machine was delivered, I cannot abide participating in any similar transactions in the future. Therefore, please consider this my resignation letter.

Much Obliged,
Tom de Lance, Chicken ( and PROUD father to 3 eggs of my own!)

1. Make the shelves spaced further apart so they could put in the big bags of chips then those would get stuck.

2. Make sure they sell garlic-flavoured gum to ward off the vampires that are lurking nearby.

3. Post a sign that says "Warning: make sure you purchase a pack of garlic gum. There are vampires nearby."

4. Have everything cost the same and have a button labelled 'random' so that it picks something randomly for the customer.

5. After the selection has been chosen, have music playing that is the same as the casino's winner tune.